Mango212

From a popular columnist online, here is the advice request submitted:

My husband of 18 years has confessed to having had five long-term affairs during our marriage. In addition to his infidelity, we have been dealing with his drinking.

We have three children (the youngest is 5). My husband has said he wants to stay married but has shown no effort to rebuild the trust he squandered. I want to end the marriage.

I am considering the “nesting” style of divorce — where the kids stay in the home while my husband and I switch back and forth from an apartment. Long term, do you think this is successful?

I stayed home with my children for 10 years. I now have a full-time job, but my income is low. My husband can’t afford child support/alimony, which is why I think “nesting” could work for us.

I feel trapped in our unhappiness. What are your thoughts on nesting?

With one reply and limited space, what would your response be?

I'm considering how I would answer with what I know now, if a friend or relative asked me this. The red flag for me is, of course, "dealing with his drinking".

Naming alcoholism seems important, even though it doesn't really matter if it is alcoholism to get more informed support.

TropicalWinter

As someone who has been cheated on, I can say unequivocally that there's no way I'd want to share any kind of space with my cheating ex, even if we weren't there at the same time.

SparkleKitty

The path of least resistance is tempting, but in this case will just lead them in circles. And the children will be the ones to suffer for it--yes, even in familiar surroundings.

Action

I have been told that two loving parents can make incredible things work out but do you want to leave your children with an active drinker?
As in a previous post I would not my cheating ex and who ever they brought into the space I lived in. And if he has been cheating that could happen the first week your not in the home.

Hawkeye13

What happens when he starts bringing girlfriends around?
What if the wife meets someone down the road?
I think that would be incredibly difficult to deal with emotionally for both of you and the kids would feel the tension.

Neither person would even have a private space as both places are shared.
In all, doesn't seem workable for the long-term in my view.
Not to mention that the active addiction is a deal-breaker as kids shouldn't have to live with that whatever spouse is willing to do.

trailmix

Other red flags I see are lack of integrity, lying, betrayal, cheating.

This type of situation might be a great idea in certain situations for certain former couples that are really emotionally grounded and still have trust in each other and respect for boundaries.

Short of that and a real commitment to make it work, it's a recipe for disaster for all involved.

Mango212

FallenAngelina

My XH and I have such an arrangement because our youngest has autism and schlepping him from house to house wasn't going to work. My XH isn't an alcoholic and we always had good boundaries, so sharing the family home while divorcing worked out really well. I agree with trailmix that such a shared nest agreement would work only if the divorcing couple already has a good foundation of emotional maturity and generosity - no egregious issues other than the basic incompatibility that caused the divorce.

Mango212

Thank you, Angelina. It's wonderful to see the balance of relationships that work.