Want to help my brother
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2019
Location: Home means Nevada
Posts: 24
Want to help my brother
Hello! I wanted to introduce myself and explain my situation. Ive been lurking for a while and have started my own battle in the Newcomers board but this part is really pulling at my heart strings.
I found this board when I came face to face with some family members and their alcohol issues. My step sons fiancé called us one night asking for our help. My fiancés son was drunk again and she had enough and called his dad to come help. So I got her and the babies to our house while he dealt with his son. That same week I found out my brother, who is going through a nasty custody battle got a DUI and basically handed his ex custody of my niece and nephew.
My parents have been supporting my brother for the last year, paying for his attorney and rent and bills because she is taking him for full custody and child support. At his last hearing they told him to try her way (a breathalyzer and 12 days out of the month with the kids) for 3 months, then they will reevaluate. We all thought he had been doing so well with no drinking so 3 months seemed easy peasy!! After the DUI we found out he quit his job and got a lesser paying job closer to home (cant drive now) and his power is out and all sorts of other self inflicted problems. My dad was ready to cut him off completely but my mom had been standing up for him a little still, until yesterday, we had a little get together for the kids birthdays and he didn't show up. He didn't call. He didn't do anything. I can see he has been online but he stopped replying to our messages weeks ago.
Im not looking for any advice I guess, just wanted to feel less alone and helpless. I don't know what else to do. I know he has to be the one that wants to change. But its SOOOO hard to sit back and watch. My parents are leaving town for a month and he is getting cut off. I feel like Im watching a car slowing loosing control and Im about to watch it crash.
SO thank you all, I have felt a bit more understanding and clarity from reading these threads and wanted to join the club. I will continue to read your kind words and support and continue my own journey with dependency.
I found this board when I came face to face with some family members and their alcohol issues. My step sons fiancé called us one night asking for our help. My fiancés son was drunk again and she had enough and called his dad to come help. So I got her and the babies to our house while he dealt with his son. That same week I found out my brother, who is going through a nasty custody battle got a DUI and basically handed his ex custody of my niece and nephew.
My parents have been supporting my brother for the last year, paying for his attorney and rent and bills because she is taking him for full custody and child support. At his last hearing they told him to try her way (a breathalyzer and 12 days out of the month with the kids) for 3 months, then they will reevaluate. We all thought he had been doing so well with no drinking so 3 months seemed easy peasy!! After the DUI we found out he quit his job and got a lesser paying job closer to home (cant drive now) and his power is out and all sorts of other self inflicted problems. My dad was ready to cut him off completely but my mom had been standing up for him a little still, until yesterday, we had a little get together for the kids birthdays and he didn't show up. He didn't call. He didn't do anything. I can see he has been online but he stopped replying to our messages weeks ago.
Im not looking for any advice I guess, just wanted to feel less alone and helpless. I don't know what else to do. I know he has to be the one that wants to change. But its SOOOO hard to sit back and watch. My parents are leaving town for a month and he is getting cut off. I feel like Im watching a car slowing loosing control and Im about to watch it crash.
SO thank you all, I have felt a bit more understanding and clarity from reading these threads and wanted to join the club. I will continue to read your kind words and support and continue my own journey with dependency.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: undecided
Posts: 59
I am so sorry for your situation. It's so hard to watch your loved one spiral and feel helpless about it.
This describes it pretty well. Sometimes with my AW I feel like the car is going to crash into ME.
Originally Posted by Sated 
I feel like Im watching a car slowing loosing control and Im about to watch it crash.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
Sounds like an 'adult' sibling. He needs to be allowed to hit a bottom. Conflicting messages from parents not helping. Time and aging will not make things better. The fact they he jeopardized child visitation shows he's not at a bottom yet.
Now he was able to get a job closer to home. Next time maybe not so lucky.
Until the alcoholic or addict really wants to get sober and not to appease someone including a spouse or court imposing conditions on visiting their own children they are not at a bottom yet. Hate to say it don't help other than the most basic of common courtesies. NO MONEY or rides to a bar. Bar trips and beer runs are his responsibility. If he wants to live with you make clear cut well defined boundaries but he should be in a rehab facility. Not couch hunting/hopping.
Good Luck!
Now he was able to get a job closer to home. Next time maybe not so lucky.
Until the alcoholic or addict really wants to get sober and not to appease someone including a spouse or court imposing conditions on visiting their own children they are not at a bottom yet. Hate to say it don't help other than the most basic of common courtesies. NO MONEY or rides to a bar. Bar trips and beer runs are his responsibility. If he wants to live with you make clear cut well defined boundaries but he should be in a rehab facility. Not couch hunting/hopping.
Good Luck!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,002
Hi Sated. Welcome to friends and Family. I hope you find lots of support here.
It is super tough to support people with addictions. Most of us have found the best thing is to get out of their way and let them do what they need to do. Some do decide to get help and get sober. Unfortunately many never do. I myself had to make the decision to let my life be ruined by my XABF or save my own life and let him go. It is not an intuitive situation.
Big hug to you.
It is super tough to support people with addictions. Most of us have found the best thing is to get out of their way and let them do what they need to do. Some do decide to get help and get sober. Unfortunately many never do. I myself had to make the decision to let my life be ruined by my XABF or save my own life and let him go. It is not an intuitive situation.
Big hug to you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
Hello, Sated.
I went through the same thing with my brother, and, unfortunately, he didn't make it. He went to treatment, then years later went again. I felt responsible for him all my life. I thought if I just did the right thing, said the right thing that I could save his life. My parents paid fines, his rent money, etc., etc., and he was just not able to get and stay sober. I know what you're going through. He started drinking at age 12 and died at 53. I also lost my father at age 54 to this disease. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.
I went through the same thing with my brother, and, unfortunately, he didn't make it. He went to treatment, then years later went again. I felt responsible for him all my life. I thought if I just did the right thing, said the right thing that I could save his life. My parents paid fines, his rent money, etc., etc., and he was just not able to get and stay sober. I know what you're going through. He started drinking at age 12 and died at 53. I also lost my father at age 54 to this disease. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Sated
He is officially off the radar. Guess we are in the wait and see what happens stage.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Sorry for what brings you sated, but this is a wonderful place with lots of wisdom and support.
Came here years ago for my alcoholic boyfriend who now has 9 years in a strong program of recovery and is a wonderful partner in life and love.
Found myself back here because my son is very high functioning so far, but definitely has a problem with alcohol which is resulting in some unacceptable behavior. No reply, mailbox full, off social media, doesn't answer phone, doesn't show up or even make up excuses...just complete disregard for family.
One thing I know...the alcoholic cannot show love or truly love anyone else until they learn to love themselves.
Great post on family forum, parents, siblings further down here..."the battle isn't yours to fight"...I have read it over and over...highly recommend it for clarity and support that stepping aside is the only thing to do.
Glad you found us.
Came here years ago for my alcoholic boyfriend who now has 9 years in a strong program of recovery and is a wonderful partner in life and love.
Found myself back here because my son is very high functioning so far, but definitely has a problem with alcohol which is resulting in some unacceptable behavior. No reply, mailbox full, off social media, doesn't answer phone, doesn't show up or even make up excuses...just complete disregard for family.
One thing I know...the alcoholic cannot show love or truly love anyone else until they learn to love themselves.
Great post on family forum, parents, siblings further down here..."the battle isn't yours to fight"...I have read it over and over...highly recommend it for clarity and support that stepping aside is the only thing to do.
Glad you found us.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,002
Originally Posted by seekingcalm
One thing I know...the alcoholic cannot show love or truly love anyone else until they learn to love themselves.
Great post on family forum, parents, siblings further down here..."the battle isn't yours to fight"...I have read it over and over...highly recommend it for clarity and support that stepping aside is the only thing to do.
Glad you found us.
Great post on family forum, parents, siblings further down here..."the battle isn't yours to fight"...I have read it over and over...highly recommend it for clarity and support that stepping aside is the only thing to do.
Glad you found us.
If you can, turn every worry about him into a focus on yourself and the problems on your side of the street. We all have something. Furthermore step up your self-care: exercise, eat a bit better, call a good friend.
Courage to you and prayers for your family.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Learning to detach from the alcoholic and let him live the life he has chosen is super tough and really the only way.
A clarification:
The word "detach" in this context doesn't mean to be cold and emotionally distant, it means to learn how to stop worrying about every move the alcoholic makes. It means to learn how to make your moods the result of your life choices, not the result of whatever the alcoholic is choosing. It means to stand solidly in who you are and what you value, allowing the alcoholic to do the same. "Loving detachment" is the basis of every good relationship.
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