And this is how it ended......Can finally talk about it.
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 
Would agree with Anvil here. Make a report even if you don't press charges. Get it into the record.
Also, a restraining order would be an excellent idea--who cares about his drama if he can get arrested for approaching you again.
If he has another mark (the woman in the car?) he's only temporarily distracted, and he will very likely be back again when that crashes and burns.
As long as he sees any breach in your defenses, which he did, you are still an option to him in his addict mind.
This is potentially a very dangerous situation. I don't think you maybe get how dangerous?
I'm glad you shared, but please take care of you and be very cautious.
Also, a restraining order would be an excellent idea--who cares about his drama if he can get arrested for approaching you again.
If he has another mark (the woman in the car?) he's only temporarily distracted, and he will very likely be back again when that crashes and burns.
As long as he sees any breach in your defenses, which he did, you are still an option to him in his addict mind.
This is potentially a very dangerous situation. I don't think you maybe get how dangerous?
I'm glad you shared, but please take care of you and be very cautious.
I'm so annoyed at him seeing my breach in defenses and I was doing so good. I let my guard down and he stomped all over me. I'm putting it back up now. My feeling is that he too knows that physical violence is the end of it for me, there's no going back now, I would not accept that. Maybe I'm being naieve.
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I don't think the police will do anything at this point, three weeks later. I doubt they would talk to him even. It's he said/he said at this point. They might take the report but I wouldn't think a restraining order would happen and it's just more stress for you. If you weren't physically injured, not much can be done at this point. Lesson learned if it happens again with him or someone else.
The time to report is when it happens, and only if you can prove it with marks or witnesses.
I don't know, I've been in three relationships that became physically abusive. There were substances involved in all three. I broke up with all of them and never talked to them again. They did show up and call, but I didn't answer the door and I hung up the phone as soon as I knew who it was (before caller ID.)
The last one I did call the police. They were helpful the first time. By the second time I called they were not so sympathetic. Their helpful nature went out the window when I didn't get rid of the guy - and rightfully so. I was just adding work to their day and not dealing with my problem.
Don't engage with this guy ever again. Ever. Don't answer the phone, door, hang up on him. Tell him never to come to your house again if he shows up (through a closed door,) then you have cause to call the police. You previously said the police have been involved multiple times with him - he's dangerous. Next time you could get really hurt or worse.
The time to report is when it happens, and only if you can prove it with marks or witnesses.
I don't know, I've been in three relationships that became physically abusive. There were substances involved in all three. I broke up with all of them and never talked to them again. They did show up and call, but I didn't answer the door and I hung up the phone as soon as I knew who it was (before caller ID.)
The last one I did call the police. They were helpful the first time. By the second time I called they were not so sympathetic. Their helpful nature went out the window when I didn't get rid of the guy - and rightfully so. I was just adding work to their day and not dealing with my problem.
Don't engage with this guy ever again. Ever. Don't answer the phone, door, hang up on him. Tell him never to come to your house again if he shows up (through a closed door,) then you have cause to call the police. You previously said the police have been involved multiple times with him - he's dangerous. Next time you could get really hurt or worse.
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I would highly recommend contacting Crisis intervention services for anyone in your situation, even after the fact. I saw then for eight months after my marriage ended and learned so much about my ex and myself that going forward and interacting with them has been diferant. Knowledge is strength.
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
I don't think the police will do anything at this point, three weeks later. I doubt they would talk to him even. It's he said/he said at this point. They might take the report but I wouldn't think a restraining order would happen and it's just more stress for you. If you weren't physically injured, not much can be done at this point. Lesson learned if it happens again with him or someone else.
The time to report is when it happens, and only if you can prove it with marks or witnesses.
I don't know, I've been in three relationships that became physically abusive. There were substances involved in all three. I broke up with all of them and never talked to them again. They did show up and call, but I didn't answer the door and I hung up the phone as soon as I knew who it was (before caller ID.)
The last one I did call the police. They were helpful the first time. By the second time I called they were not so sympathetic. Their helpful nature went out the window when I didn't get rid of the guy - and rightfully so. I was just adding work to their day and not dealing with my problem.
Don't engage with this guy ever again. Ever. Don't answer the phone, door, hang up on him. Tell him never to come to your house again if he shows up (through a closed door,) then you have cause to call the police. You previously said the police have been involved multiple times with him - he's dangerous. Next time you could get really hurt or worse.
The time to report is when it happens, and only if you can prove it with marks or witnesses.
I don't know, I've been in three relationships that became physically abusive. There were substances involved in all three. I broke up with all of them and never talked to them again. They did show up and call, but I didn't answer the door and I hung up the phone as soon as I knew who it was (before caller ID.)
The last one I did call the police. They were helpful the first time. By the second time I called they were not so sympathetic. Their helpful nature went out the window when I didn't get rid of the guy - and rightfully so. I was just adding work to their day and not dealing with my problem.
Don't engage with this guy ever again. Ever. Don't answer the phone, door, hang up on him. Tell him never to come to your house again if he shows up (through a closed door,) then you have cause to call the police. You previously said the police have been involved multiple times with him - he's dangerous. Next time you could get really hurt or worse.
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Originally Posted by alwayscovering
I am so sorry. Big hugs to you. Make a report. He WILL be back. It's only matter of time. Please take steps to protect yourself.
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The way I've learned how to call the police and receive help and confidence in doing this, has been by doing it.
Trauma bonds are broken by taking new actions. We get to choose the actions and timing. Good luck! Enjoy the day and beautiful timing, however the specifics work out.
Trauma bonds are broken by taking new actions. We get to choose the actions and timing. Good luck! Enjoy the day and beautiful timing, however the specifics work out.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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Glenjo, I think reporting it and getting a restraining order is a good idea. I know you think that he "knows that physical violence is the end of it" for you but he's not thinking about your boundaries. He punched you because he was pissed off. He can do it again. He can stalk you -- next time you may not be so lucky, people have been killed by being punched in the face.
People who have not experienced violence from a current or former partner usually have no idea -- the perpetrators of violence seem "normal-ish" with "problems". He's a "normal" addict with some "emotional problems". He's a "normal" person with PTSD and some "rage issues". Then one day, they flip the switch and you see them for who they really are with the light on. The shock can lead to a whole lot of denial or cognitive dissonance. How can someone you cared for DO such a thing? I know what this is like. Violence is always a choice. He choose to show you who he is -- this is who he REALLY is: someone who doesn't care about your boundaries.
You mentioned "evil". I have to say that I have seen that face too. I simply have NO other way to describe it: just, "evil". If I had to describe it in other words it would be this: it is a face of someone who is delighted because they are going to or because they already have hurt you. If that is what you saw, you need to be very careful. Get some cameras installed. Get some security locks installed. This is not a "regular" addict -- his problem is not (entirely) addiction, it's violence.
I understand not wanting to the hassle of "dealing" with him again (esp in court)... but you need to be safe. I am in a similar situation where I try to ignore things because I don't want to "deal" with him anymore. If anything, at least making a report will help the other woman when he eventually punches her in the face. If she decides to press charges, there will be an existing record.
I'm so sorry he did that to you.
People who have not experienced violence from a current or former partner usually have no idea -- the perpetrators of violence seem "normal-ish" with "problems". He's a "normal" addict with some "emotional problems". He's a "normal" person with PTSD and some "rage issues". Then one day, they flip the switch and you see them for who they really are with the light on. The shock can lead to a whole lot of denial or cognitive dissonance. How can someone you cared for DO such a thing? I know what this is like. Violence is always a choice. He choose to show you who he is -- this is who he REALLY is: someone who doesn't care about your boundaries.
You mentioned "evil". I have to say that I have seen that face too. I simply have NO other way to describe it: just, "evil". If I had to describe it in other words it would be this: it is a face of someone who is delighted because they are going to or because they already have hurt you. If that is what you saw, you need to be very careful. Get some cameras installed. Get some security locks installed. This is not a "regular" addict -- his problem is not (entirely) addiction, it's violence.
I understand not wanting to the hassle of "dealing" with him again (esp in court)... but you need to be safe. I am in a similar situation where I try to ignore things because I don't want to "deal" with him anymore. If anything, at least making a report will help the other woman when he eventually punches her in the face. If she decides to press charges, there will be an existing record.
I'm so sorry he did that to you.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Thanks. I'm hoping he will not be back as he has this other person to hoodwink now. I would call police were he to call again and also have people on standby to come to mine at the drop of a hat after a text to them should I need them.
First time you considered letting him in, second time you did.
How about asking for a little help here? No shame in that. While the work you have done is commendable and obvious, this person is not giving up. He probably will be back. It SEEMS ridiculous to us of course, but we don't think like him. You hit someone then you go back? Seriously.
But he won't approach you aggressively, he'll be there on the doorstep, half cut and cap in hand, begging your forgiveness for his horrible behaviour.
To him it's his life, it's in his head. He's not weeping on some park bench about it, it's business as usual for him.
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This is awful - I am so sorry you have had this experience. And I agree with others - once he has crossed the line into physical violence with you it will be much easier for him to hit you again if you have any contact with him. And if he hit you, he's hitting other people too.
He is likely to try to come back, very sorry and very remorseful and he doesn't know what came over him and he'll never do it again and he will do anything to regain your trust and he is horrified by his own behavior and he knows he doesn't really deserve another chance and and and ... do you have a plan for when that happens?
He is likely to try to come back, very sorry and very remorseful and he doesn't know what came over him and he'll never do it again and he will do anything to regain your trust and he is horrified by his own behavior and he knows he doesn't really deserve another chance and and and ... do you have a plan for when that happens?
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
please do not continue to think you know what is going on his head, or to diagnose him. you cannot predict his thinking. you say you want the abuse to stop - we do that by reporting the abuse to the authorities, taking out a restraining order and adhering to it.
hoping he will leave town is not a plan.
hoping he will never show up again is not a plan.
as the saying goes - silence implies consent. by not taking action, he gets away with bad behavior. you are not the only person he has treated in such a way. nor would your reporting the abuse keep others safe.
but it helps keeps YOU safe. on your own, you are no match for this guy. he will be back. guaran-f'ing-tee it. all the alanon skills in the world will not stop a punch that is thrown at us.
hoping he will leave town is not a plan.
hoping he will never show up again is not a plan.
as the saying goes - silence implies consent. by not taking action, he gets away with bad behavior. you are not the only person he has treated in such a way. nor would your reporting the abuse keep others safe.
but it helps keeps YOU safe. on your own, you are no match for this guy. he will be back. guaran-f'ing-tee it. all the alanon skills in the world will not stop a punch that is thrown at us.
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I don't come here that often, and I no longer post here that often. I was in a physically abusive relationship. I didn't report it when it first happened or when it happened again, or the next time it happened. He made me feel that he was appalled by his behavior and that he would never do it again. But, it did happen again and again. I didn't file a police report until he left permanent scars on my face, and they were having a problem giving me a restraining order because I said this happened many times, but I just didn't report it.
Why didn't I report it? I felt that he would lose his job, I was afraid that he would go to jail. I was afraid of a lot of things, but I don't really think that I ever thought that I was afraid for my own life. I was so caught up in things, I was no longer thinking about me. The many times that he hit me, he could have killed me. He is 6'2", I am 5'3". I weighed about 80 lbs less than him. I don't think that really matters though.
I don't even know if I am coherent here, because this post did trigger me. It was just yelling Alert, Alert, Alert to me.
Why would that be? I guess in a way, I never wanted to give up on my ex, the same way that you don't want to. I think I just didn't want to admit that I couldn't hold on to my man, and there was something wrong with me. You may say that you are done, but you never reported the physical abuse to the police. I didn't either for a long time because I actually thought that it he could see the harm that he was doing (black and blues and blood on me), that he might stop. I was wrong. If I had stayed, I would be dead right now.
(((((hugs))))))
amy
Why didn't I report it? I felt that he would lose his job, I was afraid that he would go to jail. I was afraid of a lot of things, but I don't really think that I ever thought that I was afraid for my own life. I was so caught up in things, I was no longer thinking about me. The many times that he hit me, he could have killed me. He is 6'2", I am 5'3". I weighed about 80 lbs less than him. I don't think that really matters though.
I don't even know if I am coherent here, because this post did trigger me. It was just yelling Alert, Alert, Alert to me.
Why would that be? I guess in a way, I never wanted to give up on my ex, the same way that you don't want to. I think I just didn't want to admit that I couldn't hold on to my man, and there was something wrong with me. You may say that you are done, but you never reported the physical abuse to the police. I didn't either for a long time because I actually thought that it he could see the harm that he was doing (black and blues and blood on me), that he might stop. I was wrong. If I had stayed, I would be dead right now.
(((((hugs))))))
amy
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972
This is awful - I am so sorry you have had this experience. And I agree with others - once he has crossed the line into physical violence with you it will be much easier for him to hit you again if you have any contact with him. And if he hit you, he's hitting other people too.
He is likely to try to come back, very sorry and very remorseful and he doesn't know what came over him and he'll never do it again and he will do anything to regain your trust and he is horrified by his own behavior and he knows he doesn't really deserve another chance and and and ... do you have a plan for when that happens?
He is likely to try to come back, very sorry and very remorseful and he doesn't know what came over him and he'll never do it again and he will do anything to regain your trust and he is horrified by his own behavior and he knows he doesn't really deserve another chance and and and ... do you have a plan for when that happens?
I know anything he would have to say is a lie. You describe it well. I am just looking forward to getting on with life now and being healthy. This wjas a huge lesson learned. I'll take boring and mundane over good looks and a 'spark' anyday now.
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Originally Posted by amy55
I don't come here that often, and I no longer post here that often. I was in a physically abusive relationship. I didn't report it when it first happened or when it happened again, or the next time it happened. He made me feel that he was appalled by his behavior and that he would never do it again. But, it did happen again and again. I didn't file a police report until he left permanent scars on my face, and they were having a problem giving me a restraining order because I said this happened many times, but I just didn't report it.
Why didn't I report it? I felt that he would lose his job, I was afraid that he would go to jail. I was afraid of a lot of things, but I don't really think that I ever thought that I was afraid for my own life. I was so caught up in things, I was no longer thinking about me. The many times that he hit me, he could have killed me. He is 6'2", I am 5'3". I weighed about 80 lbs less than him. I don't think that really matters though.
I don't even know if I am coherent here, because this post did trigger me. It was just yelling Alert, Alert, Alert to me.
Why would that be? I guess in a way, I never wanted to give up on my ex, the same way that you don't want to. I think I just didn't want to admit that I couldn't hold on to my man, and there was something wrong with me. You may say that you are done, but you never reported the physical abuse to the police. I didn't either for a long time because I actually thought that it he could see the harm that he was doing (black and blues and blood on me), that he might stop. I was wrong. If I had stayed, I would be dead right now.
(((((hugs))))))
amy
Why didn't I report it? I felt that he would lose his job, I was afraid that he would go to jail. I was afraid of a lot of things, but I don't really think that I ever thought that I was afraid for my own life. I was so caught up in things, I was no longer thinking about me. The many times that he hit me, he could have killed me. He is 6'2", I am 5'3". I weighed about 80 lbs less than him. I don't think that really matters though.
I don't even know if I am coherent here, because this post did trigger me. It was just yelling Alert, Alert, Alert to me.
Why would that be? I guess in a way, I never wanted to give up on my ex, the same way that you don't want to. I think I just didn't want to admit that I couldn't hold on to my man, and there was something wrong with me. You may say that you are done, but you never reported the physical abuse to the police. I didn't either for a long time because I actually thought that it he could see the harm that he was doing (black and blues and blood on me), that he might stop. I was wrong. If I had stayed, I would be dead right now.
(((((hugs))))))
amy
Thanks for sharing Any. I really appreciate what you have to say and sorry you went through that situation too. You were very coherent.
One thing I will say though, is I do want to give up on him. I can't get across how much. I have already, he is scum to me now. It wouldn't bother me if I heard he had taken his own life now ( as horrid as that sounds, it's where I'm at, as he has pretended to try so many times). Hitting me was the final straw it has viscerally changed something inside me.
I'm so so grateful every day I never allowed him to live with me. My prayers/instincts and work onomyself saved me from that horror.
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Don't ever feel like you cannot share with us, we are here to support you no matter what! I am so happy you are safe, that you did not allow him to move in, and that now you know with 100% certainty who he truly is.
This does not negate your hard work on yourself! It's still in there, and with each passing day you will feel stronger. I hope you reach out for counseling as you have just experienced something with lots of trauma.
Huge, huge hugs. We are always here for you friend!
This does not negate your hard work on yourself! It's still in there, and with each passing day you will feel stronger. I hope you reach out for counseling as you have just experienced something with lots of trauma.
Huge, huge hugs. We are always here for you friend!
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
Don't ever feel like you cannot share with us, we are here to support you no matter what! I am so happy you are safe, that you did not allow him to move in, and that now you know with 100% certainty who he truly is.
This does not negate your hard work on yourself! It's still in there, and with each passing day you will feel stronger. I hope you reach out for counseling as you have just experienced something with lots of trauma.
Huge, huge hugs. We are always here for you friend!
This does not negate your hard work on yourself! It's still in there, and with each passing day you will feel stronger. I hope you reach out for counseling as you have just experienced something with lots of trauma.
Huge, huge hugs. We are always here for you friend!
I'm going to therapy at the moment thankfully and believe as time goes on I'll get much stronger again.
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Astro, an SR forum leader, has this signature quote:
"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty, and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming---*WOW-What a ride*!"
I see you taking many good healthy actions, your kindness and light, and a great caring for yourself and others -- which is a wonderfully healthy order to have that in. Caring for self first. Then consciously choosing who else we care for.
Enjoy this being human. I'm glad you're safe, allowing and receiving support, and here with us. May you have much peace, and plenty of great adventures!
Namaste
"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty, and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming---*WOW-What a ride*!"
I see you taking many good healthy actions, your kindness and light, and a great caring for yourself and others -- which is a wonderfully healthy order to have that in. Caring for self first. Then consciously choosing who else we care for.
Enjoy this being human. I'm glad you're safe, allowing and receiving support, and here with us. May you have much peace, and plenty of great adventures!
Namaste
Life is good
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https://youtu.be/kqtZnsbd81s
Ram Dass series was recommended to me today. This one is "Risk Being Human". At about the 47 minute mark there's a segment on letting go of worry, doubt and fear. I have time to start listening to these while driving today. Open mind. Open heart.
Ram Dass series was recommended to me today. This one is "Risk Being Human". At about the 47 minute mark there's a segment on letting go of worry, doubt and fear. I have time to start listening to these while driving today. Open mind. Open heart.
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I think you've really done a great job working through tough stuff at lightspeed Glen--give yourself some credit.
That guy is a piece of work and obviously knows how to manipulate like a pro.
Don't feel bad, just accept it all as a lesson learned
That guy is a piece of work and obviously knows how to manipulate like a pro.
Don't feel bad, just accept it all as a lesson learned
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