Relapsed Codie

Old 04-08-2019, 09:13 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,564
Originally Posted by codieinSC View Post
Is it me or is this site really hard to navigate? I quoted your entire reply. Omg.
I realized in looking at this that it probably can be quite confusing to start (I've been posting for a while so haven't thought about it).

If you want to quote the original comment, you are on the right track. You can edit that original quote too if you like, if you just want to display a line or two that had a question - just be sure to leave the Quote codes at the beginning and end and just edit/delete portions of the text in-between.

If you just want to make a general or blanket reply, that won't include any quotes. scroll down to the bottom of the page and use the Reply button on the left or the Quick Reply box at the bottom center.
trailmix is offline  
Old 04-08-2019, 09:24 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,564
I'm always walking on egg shells with him. I would never bring up the abuse because he'd lose his **** and I'd somehow pay the price. I will be punished if I don't go along with his denial. He's really subtly controlling, always wanting to know where I am and what I'm doing. I used to mistake it for love. I thought he cared what I was up to in the same way I care what my kids are up to. But it isn't that.
You might want to read the part you wrote about eggshells over and over again. You aren't in a relationship with him, you are a hostage.

I was in a relationship once where there was all the constant text/phone contact and I too found it flattering at first. I then realized, as you do, that it was a control issue, not love or caring. The relationship was "officially" over, but the contact continued long distance. When it became time to go NC, as it inevitably does, I finally said hey, I need some time without contact. It was a huge gaping hole in my day. No waiting for a text or call or message. No long stupid conversations.

Each day it became better, one day at a time (but those first few days were rough), having support is so helpful. I would say it was a couple of weeks before I really felt comfortable with it. Not to say I was completely over the relationship, that took time, but the further away I got from it the happier I became and the better my self-esteem was (which I didn't even realize was taking a beating!), eventually you break free.

Perhaps don't think of it as ending a relationship, think of it as regaining your freedom.

Summer is just around the corner, you could be out soaking up some sunshine instead of on the phone with him!

As for your healthy friend, maybe share a little with her. If she is as healthy as you say, she has probably had some trials of her own and might have wisdom to share as well?
trailmix is offline  
Old 04-09-2019, 04:19 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Member
 
FallenAngelina's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by codieinSC View Post
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Depression. Social anxiety. Anti-socialism. Weakness.
Alcoholics don't just pop out of the bushes and latch onto random people, they attach to the ones who are receptive. Everything you've listed here gets more and more pronounced, the longer you involve yourself in an unhealthy relationship, which (I'm coming to believe) is the very nature of a relationship with an active alcoholic. The struggles you list only get greater when involved with an active alcoholic because that relationship speaks to all of the troubles already inside you.

Have you ever gotten involved in Alanon? It would provide a great opportunity for you to address the underlying reasons that you're attracted to this man to begin with. Remaining in contact with an active alcoholic will bring out more and more of your depression and social anxiety. AlAnon would be a great arena in which to work on the challenges that set you up for receptivity to him. Just like AA, AlAnon is full of people who have made the choice to change their lives for the better. The people with whom we choose to spend time have an enormous influence on us. Look at him, then go spend time around them - which parts of yourself do you want to foster?
FallenAngelina is offline  
Old 04-09-2019, 04:41 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Member
 
Eauchiche's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,790
California is an absolute HAVEN for addicts and codependents. I should know. I have lived here almost 50 years. Even now, I am plotting my escape.

You made a good move to the east coast, and you could do it again. While I don't believe in "geographic cures," there is something to be said for distance , especially from your qualifier.
Eauchiche is offline  
Old 04-09-2019, 10:31 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
I realized in looking at this that it probably can be quite confusing to start (I've been posting for a while so haven't thought about it).

If you want to quote the original comment, you are on the right track. You can edit that original quote too if you like, if you just want to display a line or two that had a question - just be sure to leave the Quote codes at the beginning and end and just edit/delete portions of the text in-between.

If you just want to make a general or blanket reply, that won't include any quotes. scroll down to the bottom of the page and use the Reply button on the left or the Quick Reply box at the bottom center.
I see the quote marks now. Thank you!
codieinSC is offline  
Old 04-09-2019, 10:35 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by Eauchiche View Post
California is an absolute HAVEN for addicts and codependents. I should know. I have lived here almost 50 years. Even now, I am plotting my escape.

You made a good move to the east coast, and you could do it again. While I don't believe in "geographic cures," there is something to be said for distance , especially from your qualifier.
Distance helps but clearly didn’t solve everything for me. I think there must be epidemic addiction everywhere. People drink A LOT where I live. They offered me wine when I got my hair cut and they serve alcohol at the movies.
codieinSC is offline  
Old 04-09-2019, 10:46 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
You might want to read the part you wrote about eggshells over and over again. You aren't in a relationship with him, you are a hostage.

Perhaps don't think of it as ending a relationship, think of it as regaining your freedom.
I feel very much like a hostage. When he’s in punishment mode, I find myself wishing he’d drive off a cliff or something. (I know that’s sick.)

Trying to reframe ending the relationship as gaining my freedom is a really good suggestion. It’s going to take me a while to even envision freedom, I’ve been stuck so long.

I feel more clear just sharing this stuff and reading other people’s posts. It’s not healthy to be alone with codependency. It’s not easy. I sat and sobbed yesterday but at least I’m getting in touch with my feelings and the reality of what I’m doing to my life.
codieinSC is offline  
Old 04-09-2019, 11:11 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by FallenAngelina View Post
Everything you've listed here gets more and more pronounced, the longer you involve yourself in an unhealthy relationship, which (I'm coming to believe) is the very nature of a relationship with an active alcoholic.
I was in Al Anon before and found it helpful but not as helpful as SR because I was too shy and unable to speak to anyone. I listened the whole time, didn’t share. I’m looking into it here but my community is too small for me to be comfortable, so I’d have to go to another town, which I’d do. Working the steps would be really helpful to me.

I don't understand why being invovled with an active alcoholic intensifies my depression and anxiety but you’re right that it does. Maybe it’s because on a quantum level, there’s a huge energy imbalance. He sucks energy; I give it.

On the surface, I wasn’t in denial. I was aware I was in an unhealthy relationship and wasn’t doing anything to stop it. But more deeply, I am only just piercing the denial about the cost of this relationship to my life.

codieinSC is offline  
Old 04-09-2019, 11:36 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
Member
 
FallenAngelina's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by codieinSC View Post
I think there must be epidemic addiction everywhere.
Statistics aren't what matter - the people we are drawn to are what matter. Alcoholics/addicts and codependent-prone people have a sixth sense for one another. We will zero in on each other with laser accuracy. This is why it's so important for us to know that in order to change our lives, we have to work on ourselves. The whole world seems like it's full of addiction when we are responsive to the kind of relationships that go along with it.
FallenAngelina is offline  
Old 04-10-2019, 01:56 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by FallenAngelina View Post
Statistics aren't what matter - the people we are drawn to are what matter. Alcoholics/addicts and codependent-prone people have a sixth sense for one another. We will zero in on each other with laser accuracy. This is why it's so important for us to know that in order to change our lives, we have to work on ourselves. The whole world seems like it's full of addiction when we are responsive to the kind of relationships that go along with it.
Truer words were never spoken. I can pick out alcoholics in the grocery store. I often find them looking at me too. I realize this sounds crazy but it’s true.
codieinSC is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:15 AM.