Relapsed Codie
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I'm always walking on egg shells with him. I would never bring up the abuse because he'd lose his **** and I'd somehow pay the price. I will be punished if I don't go along with his denial. He's really subtly controlling, always wanting to know where I am and what I'm doing. I used to mistake it for love. I thought he cared what I was up to in the same way I care what my kids are up to. But it isn't that.
I was in a relationship once where there was all the constant text/phone contact and I too found it flattering at first. I then realized, as you do, that it was a control issue, not love or caring. The relationship was "officially" over, but the contact continued long distance. When it became time to go NC, as it inevitably does, I finally said hey, I need some time without contact. It was a huge gaping hole in my day. No waiting for a text or call or message. No long stupid conversations.
Each day it became better, one day at a time (but those first few days were rough), having support is so helpful. I would say it was a couple of weeks before I really felt comfortable with it. Not to say I was completely over the relationship, that took time, but the further away I got from it the happier I became and the better my self-esteem was (which I didn't even realize was taking a beating!), eventually you break free.
Perhaps don't think of it as ending a relationship, think of it as regaining your freedom.
Summer is just around the corner, you could be out soaking up some sunshine instead of on the phone with him!
As for your healthy friend, maybe share a little with her. If she is as healthy as you say, she has probably had some trials of her own and might have wisdom to share as well?
Have you ever gotten involved in Alanon? It would provide a great opportunity for you to address the underlying reasons that you're attracted to this man to begin with. Remaining in contact with an active alcoholic will bring out more and more of your depression and social anxiety. AlAnon would be a great arena in which to work on the challenges that set you up for receptivity to him. Just like AA, AlAnon is full of people who have made the choice to change their lives for the better. The people with whom we choose to spend time have an enormous influence on us. Look at him, then go spend time around them - which parts of yourself do you want to foster?
California is an absolute HAVEN for addicts and codependents. I should know. I have lived here almost 50 years. Even now, I am plotting my escape.
You made a good move to the east coast, and you could do it again. While I don't believe in "geographic cures," there is something to be said for distance , especially from your qualifier.
You made a good move to the east coast, and you could do it again. While I don't believe in "geographic cures," there is something to be said for distance , especially from your qualifier.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 20
I realized in looking at this that it probably can be quite confusing to start (I've been posting for a while so haven't thought about it).
If you want to quote the original comment, you are on the right track. You can edit that original quote too if you like, if you just want to display a line or two that had a question - just be sure to leave the Quote codes at the beginning and end and just edit/delete portions of the text in-between.
If you just want to make a general or blanket reply, that won't include any quotes. scroll down to the bottom of the page and use the Reply button on the left or the Quick Reply box at the bottom center.
If you want to quote the original comment, you are on the right track. You can edit that original quote too if you like, if you just want to display a line or two that had a question - just be sure to leave the Quote codes at the beginning and end and just edit/delete portions of the text in-between.
If you just want to make a general or blanket reply, that won't include any quotes. scroll down to the bottom of the page and use the Reply button on the left or the Quick Reply box at the bottom center.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 20
California is an absolute HAVEN for addicts and codependents. I should know. I have lived here almost 50 years. Even now, I am plotting my escape.
You made a good move to the east coast, and you could do it again. While I don't believe in "geographic cures," there is something to be said for distance , especially from your qualifier.
You made a good move to the east coast, and you could do it again. While I don't believe in "geographic cures," there is something to be said for distance , especially from your qualifier.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 20
Trying to reframe ending the relationship as gaining my freedom is a really good suggestion. It’s going to take me a while to even envision freedom, I’ve been stuck so long.
I feel more clear just sharing this stuff and reading other people’s posts. It’s not healthy to be alone with codependency. It’s not easy. I sat and sobbed yesterday but at least I’m getting in touch with my feelings and the reality of what I’m doing to my life.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 20
I don't understand why being invovled with an active alcoholic intensifies my depression and anxiety but you’re right that it does. Maybe it’s because on a quantum level, there’s a huge energy imbalance. He sucks energy; I give it.
On the surface, I wasn’t in denial. I was aware I was in an unhealthy relationship and wasn’t doing anything to stop it. But more deeply, I am only just piercing the denial about the cost of this relationship to my life.
Statistics aren't what matter - the people we are drawn to are what matter. Alcoholics/addicts and codependent-prone people have a sixth sense for one another. We will zero in on each other with laser accuracy. This is why it's so important for us to know that in order to change our lives, we have to work on ourselves. The whole world seems like it's full of addiction when we are responsive to the kind of relationships that go along with it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 20
Statistics aren't what matter - the people we are drawn to are what matter. Alcoholics/addicts and codependent-prone people have a sixth sense for one another. We will zero in on each other with laser accuracy. This is why it's so important for us to know that in order to change our lives, we have to work on ourselves. The whole world seems like it's full of addiction when we are responsive to the kind of relationships that go along with it.
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