Losing myself to alcoholic girlfriend
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I know at any moment I'm going to receive a slew of texts requiring my attention about something. And if I don't answer, she will call.
i'm going to say this as gently as i can summon.......
it's a PHONE.
we do not have to reply to every text sent our way within 8.2 seconds of receiving.
we do not have to answer a phone call........EVER.
we own phones for the convenience they offer us, not for the control we let them have.
here's a thought - turn it off.
it's not an organ, you'll live.
she cannot monopolize your time and space unless you give her permission to do so.
i'm going to say this as gently as i can summon.......
it's a PHONE.
we do not have to reply to every text sent our way within 8.2 seconds of receiving.
we do not have to answer a phone call........EVER.
we own phones for the convenience they offer us, not for the control we let them have.
here's a thought - turn it off.
it's not an organ, you'll live.
she cannot monopolize your time and space unless you give her permission to do so.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 108
You all have given really great advice. After a while living in a toxic relationship like this, you can completely lose perspective of what's normal.
I've already reverted back to just being honest and not saying things just to placate my girlfriend. We were on the phone last night and she kept talking about how much she missed me. I tried to be frank but nice and simply told her it's been less than a day apart when she asked if I missed her. It didn't result in any kind of argument either, which is a good sign.
When she comes back, I will be setting some pretty firm boundaries.
- I will not speak or spend time with her when she's drunk.
- I need much more time alone to relax or be creative.
- I will no longer assume her responsibilities. They are hers to take care of. (obviously, couples help each other out but it's very different when it's expected 100% of the time)
- She needs to stop looking at my phone when I'm texting people.
- I need to be able to spend a good amount of time with my friends and be social. Both with her and without her.
And lastly, she needs to be relaxing to be around in general. The constant negativity, comments on how bad she looks, how she doesn't like a lot of people, etc. I simply can't tolerate being around that kind of negativity on a daily basis.
I'm sure you're all wondering how I can list so many bad things and still want to be in this relationship... I don't. It's an immensely tall order but I'm going to at least give her a chance to make changes.
I will certainly be better about implementing my own boundaries. I never really thought about the fact that I just about always go into a new relationship without setting any. And then I'm always scrambling to make things sustainable for me. If I end up moving on, I will certainly be more mindful about setting boundaries that are necessary for me right from the start.
I've already reverted back to just being honest and not saying things just to placate my girlfriend. We were on the phone last night and she kept talking about how much she missed me. I tried to be frank but nice and simply told her it's been less than a day apart when she asked if I missed her. It didn't result in any kind of argument either, which is a good sign.
When she comes back, I will be setting some pretty firm boundaries.
- I will not speak or spend time with her when she's drunk.
- I need much more time alone to relax or be creative.
- I will no longer assume her responsibilities. They are hers to take care of. (obviously, couples help each other out but it's very different when it's expected 100% of the time)
- She needs to stop looking at my phone when I'm texting people.
- I need to be able to spend a good amount of time with my friends and be social. Both with her and without her.
And lastly, she needs to be relaxing to be around in general. The constant negativity, comments on how bad she looks, how she doesn't like a lot of people, etc. I simply can't tolerate being around that kind of negativity on a daily basis.
I'm sure you're all wondering how I can list so many bad things and still want to be in this relationship... I don't. It's an immensely tall order but I'm going to at least give her a chance to make changes.
I will certainly be better about implementing my own boundaries. I never really thought about the fact that I just about always go into a new relationship without setting any. And then I'm always scrambling to make things sustainable for me. If I end up moving on, I will certainly be more mindful about setting boundaries that are necessary for me right from the start.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Hey jj, no I wasn't really wondering, I understand you giving her a chance.
One thing about boundaries, they aren't just for romantic relationships. They are really about your life and how you want to be treated. This applies to all relationships.
If speaking with someone that is drunk is not something you want to do, that's a boundary for all relationships. If you need time and space to just unwind and be creative, that's something you can apply to all people. Don't pick up that phone if you don't want to etc.
It might not be easy at first (or it may be a walk in the park, everyone is different) but the longer you do it and the more you see the results and see that this makes you feel better and in turn enriches your relationships, the easier it will become.
One thing about boundaries, they aren't just for romantic relationships. They are really about your life and how you want to be treated. This applies to all relationships.
If speaking with someone that is drunk is not something you want to do, that's a boundary for all relationships. If you need time and space to just unwind and be creative, that's something you can apply to all people. Don't pick up that phone if you don't want to etc.
It might not be easy at first (or it may be a walk in the park, everyone is different) but the longer you do it and the more you see the results and see that this makes you feel better and in turn enriches your relationships, the easier it will become.
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: undecided
Posts: 59
Glad you have decided to enforce some boundaries. That's a great decision.
The bullet points sound like a healthy set of boundaries. What will you do if she crosses them?
The last bit about her 'needing to be relaxing' is something different though, I think. You want her to behave in a certain way, not speak in a certain way, not even THINK in a certain way (?). It sounds less like a boundary and more like you want to control who she IS so that it is more acceptable/pleasant to you.
Don't get me wrong, I fully understand your not wanting to be around negativity! But whether you stay around it is in your control, whether she brings what you consider negativity is not.
Originally Posted by jjwinters 
When she comes back, I will be setting some pretty firm boundaries.
- I will not speak or spend time with her when she's drunk.
- I need much more time alone to relax or be creative.
- I will no longer assume her responsibilities. They are hers to take care of. (obviously, couples help each other out but it's very different when it's expected 100% of the time)
- She needs to stop looking at my phone when I'm texting people.
- I need to be able to spend a good amount of time with my friends and be social. Both with her and without her.
And lastly, she needs to be relaxing to be around in general. The constant negativity, comments on how bad she looks, how she doesn't like a lot of people, etc.
- I will not speak or spend time with her when she's drunk.
- I need much more time alone to relax or be creative.
- I will no longer assume her responsibilities. They are hers to take care of. (obviously, couples help each other out but it's very different when it's expected 100% of the time)
- She needs to stop looking at my phone when I'm texting people.
- I need to be able to spend a good amount of time with my friends and be social. Both with her and without her.
And lastly, she needs to be relaxing to be around in general. The constant negativity, comments on how bad she looks, how she doesn't like a lot of people, etc.
The last bit about her 'needing to be relaxing' is something different though, I think. You want her to behave in a certain way, not speak in a certain way, not even THINK in a certain way (?). It sounds less like a boundary and more like you want to control who she IS so that it is more acceptable/pleasant to you.
Don't get me wrong, I fully understand your not wanting to be around negativity! But whether you stay around it is in your control, whether she brings what you consider negativity is not.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 108
Originally Posted by rescuer
Glad you have decided to enforce some boundaries. That's a great decision.
The bullet points sound like a healthy set of boundaries. What will you do if she crosses them?
The last bit about her 'needing to be relaxing' is something different though, I think. You want her to behave in a certain way, not speak in a certain way, not even THINK in a certain way (?). It sounds less like a boundary and more like you want to control who she IS so that it is more acceptable/pleasant to you.
Don't get me wrong, I fully understand your not wanting to be around negativity! But whether you stay around it is in your control, whether she brings what you consider negativity is not.
The bullet points sound like a healthy set of boundaries. What will you do if she crosses them?
The last bit about her 'needing to be relaxing' is something different though, I think. You want her to behave in a certain way, not speak in a certain way, not even THINK in a certain way (?). It sounds less like a boundary and more like you want to control who she IS so that it is more acceptable/pleasant to you.
Don't get me wrong, I fully understand your not wanting to be around negativity! But whether you stay around it is in your control, whether she brings what you consider negativity is not.
These are actually things she complains about constantly with her own mother. So I do feel in a way that I have a right to call her out on that behavior. Her mom has to talk to her for sometimes hours a day on the phone and is overwhelmingly negative. She has to know absolutely everything that is going on with her 36 year old daughter. She even has to know when she's coming and going from my place. I've been around her mom and she literally can't stop talking. She goes from one complaint to the next and berates everyone around her.
My girlfriend finds that behavior suffocating and draining yet is doing the exact same thing to me. If she wants to stay in a relationship with me, then yes, she has to work on being more positive to be around. She has a right to stay negative and controlling but I can't be around that.
As for the bullet points, I'm going to hold firm on those boundaries whether she respects them or not. I sort of assume the relationship will simply end if she cannot.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
Originally Posted by jjwinters
Y
When she comes back, I will be setting some pretty firm boundaries.
- I will not speak or spend time with her when she's drunk.
- I need much more time alone to relax or be creative.
- I will no longer assume her responsibilities. They are hers to take care of. (obviously, couples help each other out but it's very different when it's expected 100% of the time)
- She needs to stop looking at my phone when I'm texting people.
- I need to be able to spend a good amount of time with my friends and be social. Both with her and without her.
When she comes back, I will be setting some pretty firm boundaries.
- I will not speak or spend time with her when she's drunk.
- I need much more time alone to relax or be creative.
- I will no longer assume her responsibilities. They are hers to take care of. (obviously, couples help each other out but it's very different when it's expected 100% of the time)
- She needs to stop looking at my phone when I'm texting people.
- I need to be able to spend a good amount of time with my friends and be social. Both with her and without her.
How's this?
- I will not interact with people when they are intoxicated. I will make a peaceful but firm and quick exit should they try to interact with me. If a person tries to interact with me when they are intoxicated on more than a couple of occasions, then their lifestyle is not compatible with mine and I will end the relationship.
- I will schedule sufficient alone time for myself, and I will not change that item on my calendar to accommodate requests for my time / attention.
- I will be careful to take care of all of my own responsibilities. But I will not assume the responsibilities of others, unless there is a fair trade, or unless they are in a crisis situation and unable to take care of themselves.
- My phone is private, and I will not show it to other people. If they want to see it because they fear that I am doing something dishonest, then I will discuss their concerns with them directly. If a potential partner cannot accept this, then they have trust issues that I cannot fix, and I will end the relationship.
- I will spend time with a wide variety of people. While I would like to have a partner, I will also continue to have other friendships and will continue to network for business / creative purposes. If a potential partner cannot accept this, then they are not compatible with my value system and I will end the relationship.
And one last one that I have for myself, that you might want to integrate into your boundaries. It will bring a lot of peace into your life.
- I will only look to partner with people who share my basic value system. I will not partner with people who arenot compatible with me. I will continue to do the work on myself that I need to do to be aware of my own needs, and I will always be honest with myself about who other people really are and what their behavior really means. I will not try to force other people to conform to my needs if they are not compatible with mine -- I will accept them for exactly who they are. And if I am dating I will make sure to know whether someone is a good potential partner within the first 5 dates, and will let go of those who aren't gently, kindly, but firmly if necessary. I will not string people along because I am confused, not self-aware, or afraid to be alone -- EVER.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by jjwinters
I am about a year into dating my alcoholic girlfriend. Her drinking has lessened but she still can't help but get extremely drunk when the opportunity is there - birthday's, traveling, etc. In fact, she just went to Mexico for a friend's birthday. She's only been there a few hours and already called me very drunk, slurry, dramatic... Not surprising given the destination but she was clearly off to the races.
But the thing I have found to be much more disturbing than her excess drinking, is the way my life has essentially disappeared into this black hole surrounding her. I had tons of friends - I hardly speak to anyone any more. I used to write a lot of music and pursued many creative endeavors - I have hardly anything to show for the last year. She has consumed just about every living minute of my daily life.
In a lot of ways, she's a really great person and has been very compassionate about other issues I have. But this sort of "take over" of my life is scary. I can't look at my cell phone without her having to peer over and involve herself in who I'm talking to. Her poor self esteem is also getting painful to listen to. She is constantly complaining about how she looks and if I see the problems she's seeing. It puts me in an incredibly awkward situation because I'm constantly having to tell her she doesn't look bad.
To sort of jump back to this trip she's on... I am now noticing how much "space" there is when she's not here. Even when she's not at my place, she just inundates me with anything and everything. Any time I have something to do, I know we have to do something immediately after and I always feel that I'm on the clock. She gets very hurt by any free time not spent together. As a creative person, free time is when you get to create.
Has any one else experienced anything like this? It's almost like a hypnosis. It's an extreme co-dependency unlike anything I've ever personally dealt with. And yes, I do understand that I am part of the equation. I guess I feel like I try to hold on to her positive attributes and give her chances to improve.
But the thing I have found to be much more disturbing than her excess drinking, is the way my life has essentially disappeared into this black hole surrounding her. I had tons of friends - I hardly speak to anyone any more. I used to write a lot of music and pursued many creative endeavors - I have hardly anything to show for the last year. She has consumed just about every living minute of my daily life.
In a lot of ways, she's a really great person and has been very compassionate about other issues I have. But this sort of "take over" of my life is scary. I can't look at my cell phone without her having to peer over and involve herself in who I'm talking to. Her poor self esteem is also getting painful to listen to. She is constantly complaining about how she looks and if I see the problems she's seeing. It puts me in an incredibly awkward situation because I'm constantly having to tell her she doesn't look bad.
To sort of jump back to this trip she's on... I am now noticing how much "space" there is when she's not here. Even when she's not at my place, she just inundates me with anything and everything. Any time I have something to do, I know we have to do something immediately after and I always feel that I'm on the clock. She gets very hurt by any free time not spent together. As a creative person, free time is when you get to create.
Has any one else experienced anything like this? It's almost like a hypnosis. It's an extreme co-dependency unlike anything I've ever personally dealt with. And yes, I do understand that I am part of the equation. I guess I feel like I try to hold on to her positive attributes and give her chances to improve.
My kids are 18 and 14 and I feel grateful all the time that neither of their parents are alcoholics or addicts. The LAST thing you want to do is marry and have children with an alcoholic. You would be signing up for a lifetime of pain. Sorry if that sounds dramatic, but alcoholism IS dramatic. Read some of the posts of people here who are sharing children with A’s. The challenges they face might provide you with the incentive to end the relationship.
Even marriages between two healthy people are really hard to sustain. Being allowed to have your quiet and creative time is essential for you to have a happy life. If you can’t get this with her, how can there be any kind of happy future for you two together?
You seem like a healthy, sweet guy. You also seem clear about what the relationship is costing you. I guess I’m finding it hard to understand what’s keeping you locked in it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 108
Originally Posted by Needabreak
Those aren't quite boundaries -- more like aspirations. A boundary should mention what you will do when someone crosses it (and they will, believe me).
How's this?
- I will not interact with people when they are intoxicated. I will make a peaceful but firm and quick exit should they try to interact with me. If a person tries to interact with me when they are intoxicated on more than a couple of occasions, then their lifestyle is not compatible with mine and I will end the relationship.
- I will schedule sufficient alone time for myself, and I will not change that item on my calendar to accommodate requests for my time / attention.
- I will be careful to take care of all of my own responsibilities. But I will not assume the responsibilities of others, unless there is a fair trade, or unless they are in a crisis situation and unable to take care of themselves.
- My phone is private, and I will not show it to other people. If they want to see it because they fear that I am doing something dishonest, then I will discuss their concerns with them directly. If a potential partner cannot accept this, then they have trust issues that I cannot fix, and I will end the relationship.
- I will spend time with a wide variety of people. While I would like to have a partner, I will also continue to have other friendships and will continue to network for business / creative purposes. If a potential partner cannot accept this, then they are not compatible with my value system and I will end the relationship.
And one last one that I have for myself, that you might want to integrate into your boundaries. It will bring a lot of peace into your life.
- I will only look to partner with people who share my basic value system. I will not partner with people who arenot compatible with me. I will continue to do the work on myself that I need to do to be aware of my own needs, and I will always be honest with myself about who other people really are and what their behavior really means. I will not try to force other people to conform to my needs if they are not compatible with mine -- I will accept them for exactly who they are. And if I am dating I will make sure to know whether someone is a good potential partner within the first 5 dates, and will let go of those who aren't gently, kindly, but firmly if necessary. I will not string people along because I am confused, not self-aware, or afraid to be alone -- EVER.
How's this?
- I will not interact with people when they are intoxicated. I will make a peaceful but firm and quick exit should they try to interact with me. If a person tries to interact with me when they are intoxicated on more than a couple of occasions, then their lifestyle is not compatible with mine and I will end the relationship.
- I will schedule sufficient alone time for myself, and I will not change that item on my calendar to accommodate requests for my time / attention.
- I will be careful to take care of all of my own responsibilities. But I will not assume the responsibilities of others, unless there is a fair trade, or unless they are in a crisis situation and unable to take care of themselves.
- My phone is private, and I will not show it to other people. If they want to see it because they fear that I am doing something dishonest, then I will discuss their concerns with them directly. If a potential partner cannot accept this, then they have trust issues that I cannot fix, and I will end the relationship.
- I will spend time with a wide variety of people. While I would like to have a partner, I will also continue to have other friendships and will continue to network for business / creative purposes. If a potential partner cannot accept this, then they are not compatible with my value system and I will end the relationship.
And one last one that I have for myself, that you might want to integrate into your boundaries. It will bring a lot of peace into your life.
- I will only look to partner with people who share my basic value system. I will not partner with people who arenot compatible with me. I will continue to do the work on myself that I need to do to be aware of my own needs, and I will always be honest with myself about who other people really are and what their behavior really means. I will not try to force other people to conform to my needs if they are not compatible with mine -- I will accept them for exactly who they are. And if I am dating I will make sure to know whether someone is a good potential partner within the first 5 dates, and will let go of those who aren't gently, kindly, but firmly if necessary. I will not string people along because I am confused, not self-aware, or afraid to be alone -- EVER.
I think this will help me stay true to my ideals. And per your last point, help prevent me from letting things get too far with anyone who isn't compatible with me - friends and family included.
Feelings, and frankly physical attraction, have had a habit of taking me too far into relationships that were doomed from the start. I have to be able to look at how we actually function as individuals and make sure we align in that way as well. I really like the 5 date rule.
How I present these boundaries is where I'm a little unsure. I don't want to just steamroll her. Will likely focus on the more important things as soon as she gets back and work the smaller items in as they come up. I can also just do some of these things like make more plans with friends, stay home, etc. If she takes issue with it, then I can be very clear where I stand.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by jjwinters
How I present these boundaries is where I'm a little unsure. I don't want to just steamroll her.
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