Stacy0701

So my last post I talked about being ready to separate from my alcoholic husband. He quit last August-December just to start again on NYE . He has been very consistent with his drinking for the last 8 years but this time he is a mess! I care about him but I can picture what my life looks like without him & sadly it brings me peace. We have talked about separation but have not got past talking about it! So sadly we stay married but sleeping in separate rooms. I feel our marriage is over but we have 2 kids together & so of course I want him to get healthy. He did not drink for a day last week & I never saw him so bad with the shakes & struggling to even talk. I am at work today & again he texts me that he needs help. Sadly he just started a new job & does not have insurance until next month so I tell him there are free rehab/detox centers if he cannot do this on his own this time. He texts me back saying he cannot even walk that is how bad he is. I have been there for him in the past when he has quit but I just do not have it in me anymore. I do not want to be, excuse my language, a bitch or seem uncaring but I can't leave work to take care of him. I feel I have finally got to a place where I am ready to separate but I still struggle to just kick him out due to how much of a mess he is! I just feel all I have to offer is googling a free rehab/detox place & maybe driving him there but I can't take off from work to sit with him.

biminiblue

I know you want to help, but really the best thing for him is to let him figure this out on his own.

Tell him that. "I can't take off work for this, I need my job. You need to figure this out, I can't do it for you."

SparkleKitty

He needs professional help. He wants your help, because he believes it is a softer landing.

This isn't even a question of should you or shouldn't you. You are simply not equipped to deal with his problem.

Mango212

Hi Stacy,

What does your support look like?

Sending good thoughts, prayers and many good wishes your way. Sometimes leaving/seperating need a bunch of little steps ahead of time (DV help centers can be great resources), other times it can be best to simply do it quickly and be able to start moving forward. Trust your healthy gut instincts.

Have you asked your husband to leave, and meant it? If he won't leave, are you willing to leave with your kids for a short time to allow space to think clearly?

djlook

Hello, Stacy

Call the AA hotline nearest you. Find out if there is an AA clubhouse near you. There might not be a clubhouse; if not, find out where and when there's a meeting in your area and give the info to your husband and let him make the call on his own. Those people will know if he needs to go to detox or not and will help him with that. Good luck to you and your family.

Stacy0701

Mango my form of support in the past was to be the person taking care of the household & kids while he dealt with quitting, especially those 1st couple of days. I told him in the past my form of support would be taking care of everything so he could go to meetings etc. but he never goes to the meetings. It has definitely been years of chipping at me & our marriage that has finally brought me to this done place but no I have not said leave or else but he is such a mess, I do not feel he will leave unless I put my foot down & say I don't want me or the kids around this anymore. I wish he would just move out instead of me forcing it but I know I have to do what is best for me & my son!

trailmix

You are absolutely right. There is guilt involved, of course, a person would have to be pretty cold hearted not to feel guilty.

That said, you can wait a bit longer and you will get to a place where that guilt is replaced by anger or indifference (which you probably know). What that accomplishes is making it easier to leave, on the flip-side, is that really where you want to be. A good example of this is where you see posted that someone wishes they would just go off the deep end or hit them or something - some pivotal moment where they can say - enough.

Far better to leave when there is still at least an ounce of goodwill. It will be harder for you, yes, but in fact your bowing out of this particular drama might be the best thing for him. Time will tell.

Saltlamp

I totally get where you're at. You don't come across to me like a bitch or uncaring at ALL. Quite the opposite. I think you know what needs to be done and you're getting there. When you do what I think you know you need to do and know you're GOING to do, for the good of yourself and your son, it will take courageous compassion: I can tell that's in you, even just from the growth you've described: you're not blowing off work to go and "help" or rescue when he's quit for a day - but you're also not at the point of just no longer giving a rat's behind if he lives or dies.

I'm not the best advice giver but everything that Trailmix just said is everything that I think is true.

I want to give you a big internet hug. It sounds like you're on the right track. Keep that train going: the ride might be bumpy but... next stop, serenity?

Stacy0701

So I am sure I know the answer to this but just want to ask out loud. So when my husband tells me he needs emotional support from me & he is getting zero, which makes me laugh & most of his comments are via text, is the best thing to do is not reply & stay silent? I am sure he is just trying to keep me in the craziness with him!

biminiblue

"Poor me, poor me, pour me a drink."

As a former heavy drinker I can tell you that self-pity/selfishness is #1 on the list of character defects while drinking. I had to tell myself to grow up. He's a grown ass man who will have to do the same. Alcohol is a cruel master, though. It made me feel hopeless and nothing anyone could say would have changed that. It's the nature of the beast, and what the chemical does.

Until and unless he puts down his binkie, nothing much will help. That's really how I see it - alcohol may as well be in a baby bottle with a nipple because that's how we use it.

Saltlamp

I am the least qualified person to answer that question but I think your wise self is telling you to stay silent so that's worth listening to.

For me, I think I would answer direct questions but otherwise just take his texts as "information." That's just me, though.

"I need emotional support from you. I am getting zero."
"Oh." (You don't have to type that, but just in terms of framing it for yourself, just thinking "oh.")

He's stating that he's not getting support from his wife. Well, that makes sense because he's chose alcohol over his marriage. "Oh."

And I think your instinct that he's trying to keep you in the craziness is spot on. You sound like you're smart, wise and informed.

atalose

YES 100% stop feeding the drama dragon otherwise it never ends. As long as he is getting a reaction out of you it will continue.

Of course it’s not easy to leave a marriage/relationship but as you said you’ve had enough more than enough. There have been no substantial changes with him or his drinking in the last 8 years with the exception of maybe a 4 month stint at not drinking which didn’t last.

If this were me I’d put my foot down and said it’s time for long term inpatient rehab 30 days or longer at the very least or it’s time for him to find another place to reside. Hoping he takes the inpatient which will allow you the freedom from daily alcoholism to truly get your head where it belongs fully on yourself and your children. If he refuses then it’s time to file for separation/divorce.

BlownOne

So I am sure I know the answer to this but just want to ask out loud. So when my husband tells me he needs emotional support from me & he is getting zero, which makes me laugh & most of his comments are via text, is the best thing to do is not reply & stay silent? I am sure he is just trying to keep me in the craziness with him

He doesn't need your emotional support to get sober. In fact, he doesn't need anyone's emotional support to get sober. That's the single biggest lie practicing alcoholics tell themselves. Helps them avoid responsibility. My ex tossed me out of the house and I lost everything. I had NO support from her whatsoever in getting myself sober and into recovery. And I'm not the only one. The only person he needs to get sober is himself. And until he's ready to bear down and do the work on his own, he will not recover. Cut him loose and quit worrying about him. Letting him hit rock bottom and having to deal with it by himself isn't cruel or mean. It's called letting him take responsibility for his own choices and actions. Love yourself enough to quit making his problem yours. Hugs to you.

Stacy0701

Thank you everyone! I just needed that what I was doing was best for all of us! If I can tell anyone hesitating to post because they have repeated themselves or they think it is a simple question that they know the answer, post anyway. No matter how confident, independent, educated about the addiction we are, the addict can always have us taking 3 steps back questioning our every move but I love that I can come here to reaffirm that I am not crazy & that I am on the right path for me & my kids! So thank you!

Saltlamp

<3

Stacy0701

and thank you to biminiblue & BlownOne for your posts, for it is really helpful to hear from those who have been on the drinking side to reaffirm all the things we know but allow the addict in our lives to manipulate & have us 2nd guessing ourselves that what we are doing is best. It also reminds me of what my husband really needs to do & since he still blames me, I do not think he is close!

dandylion

Stacy...I have detoxed many, many alcoholics, in my time....(medical co-ordinator of an alcoholic program for a major health maintenance organization)….
If your husband is so shakey that he can't even talk....that can be very dangerous....his B/P and pulse, are, likely, sky-high....and he could have a withdrawl seizure...or a vascular event (stroke or heart attack)...or, possibly go into DT's (which is a medical emergency)….
He can't drive himself, in this condition...he needs transport....
So, If I were in your shoes, I would call 911 and request that they go to the house.....he will be too uncomfortable, at this point, to put up a "fight"....
I think that when it comes to life and limb...I tend to do what is necessary.... for safety first....

Stacy0701

Thank you dandylion! He decided to drink instead! He has quit on his own before but obviously somehow in the last 3 months since he started drinking again, he has got worse. It seems he will need help this time around but not sure he will go seek it. I would not want something to happen to him but it is time he leaves our house. The hard part is me putting my foot down! I am sorry he is hurting but after 8 years of dealing with this, it is time!

Saltlamp

Funny how they can't even walk but somehow magically can acquire booze to make it all better. I've heard like pretty much that exact thing from my friend. Wait- you're not secretly married to my buddy are you???

(Sorry if flippant comments aren't what you need right now- I know that this must be a hard time for you. But for me I find sometimes finding a little sardonic laugh is helpful in helping me overcome the doubt that inevitably happens within me. I have a sense that you might be like me in some ways- with comments like "I would not want something to happen to him" I can see that you're a very compassionate and loving person: unfortunately in my experience, our demons can sometimes turn our own compassion against us, convincing us that we're being unkind/unloving/un-understanding, etc. etc. etc. and make us second guess our wise selves.)

Big hugs. You seem so smart, so strong, so loving... and you deserve to raise your son in a peaceful and healthy environment.

Givenup2018

That is the A's go to, keep you co-dependent, keep you guilty. Guilt is one of our main drivers, don't fall for it. You are not doing him any favors by stepping in to 'help' him again and again. You are simply prolonging the pain and his ability to avoid hitting rock bottom.

If he doesn't have a soft place to land, maybe he will hit rock bottom and finally get the real help he needs. You have carried him long enough. I know it is hard but you have to let go and let him take responsibility for himself .