How and How Much to Tell Kids About Dad's Drinking & Why We're Divorcing
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How and How Much to Tell Kids About Dad's Drinking & Why We're Divorcing
Hi everyone, I wanted to reach out to see if anyone has experience, resources, knowledge, or just thoughts on how to tell your kids you're divorcing their alcoholic dad. This is such a sensitive issue. I don't want to disparage their dad, but I also don't want to be seen as just divorcing their dad because I was simply unhappy. I want to convey honesty in a way that an 11 and 9 year old can understand in the least traumatic way possible. (I'm feeling pretty sure AH will probably try to paint the picture that 'mom just wasn't happy with me (us?)')
Everything I've read so far suggests telling the kids together. One statement I've considered making during the conversation, when the time comes for AH and me to tell them, is "I want to be open and honest about why we are divorcing - I do not want to live in a home where there is alcohol." It's clear, it's honest, but it seems to not cast blame or accusation. These kids adore their dad and I worry that he will make it all sound like I just couldn't be happy (which is what he said to me last time I told him my concern about his drinking).
I welcome any thoughts, experience, resources anyone might have that I could use to guide me through this time. We are getting close - I'll be telling AH probably within a week, and we'll need to sit down with the kids sometime soon afterward, I think.
Everything I've read so far suggests telling the kids together. One statement I've considered making during the conversation, when the time comes for AH and me to tell them, is "I want to be open and honest about why we are divorcing - I do not want to live in a home where there is alcohol." It's clear, it's honest, but it seems to not cast blame or accusation. These kids adore their dad and I worry that he will make it all sound like I just couldn't be happy (which is what he said to me last time I told him my concern about his drinking).
I welcome any thoughts, experience, resources anyone might have that I could use to guide me through this time. We are getting close - I'll be telling AH probably within a week, and we'll need to sit down with the kids sometime soon afterward, I think.
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Hi PerSe
I have just started talking about a divorce with my husband. I have been living out of the house for over a year. He has a girlfriend. It all seems quite obvious that we would get a divorce but I am terrified to tell my kids and they are teenagers.
It would be ideal for you and your husband to tell them together, to show a united front. Also to show that you are both happy with the decision, that at least you agree on that!
But I guess you can't predict how you, your husband or your kids will react in this situation. Try and stick to the facts. The kids will be aware of much more than you realise. Maybe try answering their questions rather than trying to explain yourself? Give them space to talk and ask questions and commit to fully hearing them? You may be very surprised by what they have to say.
Good luck with this one. It's not easy but just try to stay in your truth
big hugs
I have just started talking about a divorce with my husband. I have been living out of the house for over a year. He has a girlfriend. It all seems quite obvious that we would get a divorce but I am terrified to tell my kids and they are teenagers.
It would be ideal for you and your husband to tell them together, to show a united front. Also to show that you are both happy with the decision, that at least you agree on that!
But I guess you can't predict how you, your husband or your kids will react in this situation. Try and stick to the facts. The kids will be aware of much more than you realise. Maybe try answering their questions rather than trying to explain yourself? Give them space to talk and ask questions and commit to fully hearing them? You may be very surprised by what they have to say.
Good luck with this one. It's not easy but just try to stay in your truth
big hugs
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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As a recovered alcoholic I'm willing to bet that your husband will not be on board about telling your children together if you plan on telling them your reason for your divorce with him present.
[I]"I want to be open and honest about why we are divorcing - I do not want to live in a home where there is alcohol." [/I]
Is this the real reason you're divorcing? Or is it because your husband is an alcoholic? I say this because lots of homes have alcohol in them and it's not an issue. Your husband will more than likely not react positively to anything you have to say regarding alcohol during this conversation with your kids. My own gentle suggestion would be to just tell them and leave the alcohol out of the conversation entirely until you can be more open and honest with them about your reasoning when he isn't around. Hugs to you. Nothing sucks like this does. Went thru it myself.
[I]"I want to be open and honest about why we are divorcing - I do not want to live in a home where there is alcohol." [/I]
Is this the real reason you're divorcing? Or is it because your husband is an alcoholic? I say this because lots of homes have alcohol in them and it's not an issue. Your husband will more than likely not react positively to anything you have to say regarding alcohol during this conversation with your kids. My own gentle suggestion would be to just tell them and leave the alcohol out of the conversation entirely until you can be more open and honest with them about your reasoning when he isn't around. Hugs to you. Nothing sucks like this does. Went thru it myself.
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i guess some of it depends on what you have already told them about their dad's drinking. if it has never been brought up before, then tying that to the divorce bomb might be a bit much. also, give your kids some credit for probably knowing a LOT more about what is going on than you think.
in a sense you ARE leaving because you are unhappy. is that not true? you aren't leaving because there is alcohol in the house, nor are you leaving simply because your husband drinks. you have determined you cannot live with THIS man WHEN he drinks, and this man refuses to make any changes that could make that even remotely possible.
less is more. kid's have a short attention span especially if it's their parents doing the talking! let THEM ask questions. they may need to time to process. that's ok. let them feel what they feel. let them ask what they need to ask, when they are ready. keep it simple.
in a sense you ARE leaving because you are unhappy. is that not true? you aren't leaving because there is alcohol in the house, nor are you leaving simply because your husband drinks. you have determined you cannot live with THIS man WHEN he drinks, and this man refuses to make any changes that could make that even remotely possible.
less is more. kid's have a short attention span especially if it's their parents doing the talking! let THEM ask questions. they may need to time to process. that's ok. let them feel what they feel. let them ask what they need to ask, when they are ready. keep it simple.
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In any marriage, it is extremely important to be able to find a middle ground of give and take. In times of conflict, which occur in any marriage, it is vital to the relationship to be able to look at the big picture of what both partners are trying to accomplish.
Then, instead of fighting for individual positions and beliefs, be able to put their heads together to find a mutual solution that both partners can be satisfied with.
Your father and I are struggling with compromise at point, so it is driving a wedge between us and it is destroying the fabric of our marriage. Since we both are struggling with the give and take of teamwork, it is best for all concerned that we go our separate ways.
Neither of us is right. Neither of us is wrong. We are just unable to work together as a team, so it pulling the family in too many different directions and that is negatively affecting all members of this family.
It doesn't mean we love you any less, quite the opposite is actually true. It is because we love you so much, that we are doing this. It is our middle ground.
Then, instead of fighting for individual positions and beliefs, be able to put their heads together to find a mutual solution that both partners can be satisfied with.
Your father and I are struggling with compromise at point, so it is driving a wedge between us and it is destroying the fabric of our marriage. Since we both are struggling with the give and take of teamwork, it is best for all concerned that we go our separate ways.
Neither of us is right. Neither of us is wrong. We are just unable to work together as a team, so it pulling the family in too many different directions and that is negatively affecting all members of this family.
It doesn't mean we love you any less, quite the opposite is actually true. It is because we love you so much, that we are doing this. It is our middle ground.
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PerSe…..Don't assume that the kids, at that age, think exactly like an adult would think about it. And, like BlownOne said...don't make too many assumptions about what thejr reactions will be.
I have been through this...and, that is what I found to be true (their father was not an alcoholic)….
They probably know much more than you realize that they do....and they may not be surprised...as you expect them to....
If there is a lot of tension or arguing in the home...and, if there has been times when he has been drunk...they may have already put 2 and 2 together. Sometimes, kids will actually feel some relief, if there has been tension in the home...especially as kids get older...
My experience, and what I have read, is that kids tend to think in 24hr.periods about their own security, first...like, what does it mean to their immediate life....
Where will we live? Where will we go to school? Can we keep the dog? Can we visit dad? Can we still visit grandma's house....?
Weill we still order pizza on Friday nights? Can my friend still come over for sleep over? etc.
They may not even ask the reason...my kids didn't.
What I found out, is, that over times...over weeks and even months, for some questions....they would ask a question, as they had time to process and adjust to the info.....
Interesting---they did not ask me some questions, until they were adult....(the more complex and deeper questions)….
Kids don't seem to like long winded explanations.....but, I do think that it is important for them to know...
1. That both parents love them, just the same
2. That it is not their fault!
I have been through this...and, that is what I found to be true (their father was not an alcoholic)….
They probably know much more than you realize that they do....and they may not be surprised...as you expect them to....
If there is a lot of tension or arguing in the home...and, if there has been times when he has been drunk...they may have already put 2 and 2 together. Sometimes, kids will actually feel some relief, if there has been tension in the home...especially as kids get older...
My experience, and what I have read, is that kids tend to think in 24hr.periods about their own security, first...like, what does it mean to their immediate life....
Where will we live? Where will we go to school? Can we keep the dog? Can we visit dad? Can we still visit grandma's house....?
Weill we still order pizza on Friday nights? Can my friend still come over for sleep over? etc.
They may not even ask the reason...my kids didn't.
What I found out, is, that over times...over weeks and even months, for some questions....they would ask a question, as they had time to process and adjust to the info.....
Interesting---they did not ask me some questions, until they were adult....(the more complex and deeper questions)….
Kids don't seem to like long winded explanations.....but, I do think that it is important for them to know...
1. That both parents love them, just the same
2. That it is not their fault!
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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You have received great feedback already. Just wanted to add what worked well for me, which was speaking in "I feel" statements if you are going to address anything about their dad and/or his addiction. This coupled with reassurance on what is important to each child to maintain their peace and security. Never worked for me to have a set down together. Mine were much younger when we left. Now, they kind of lead the way when they have questions as they have gotten older and I address their specific questions as it comes up for each child in the moment.
On a side note, since they were so young when I sat them down to tell them we would no longer live with their Dad and then the safety measures that were in place regarding visitations then I asked, "Do you have any questions for me?" They huddled together for a second and then asked, "Is the Easter Bunny real or not?"
Hugs and support to you as you navigate this for you and your children.
On a side note, since they were so young when I sat them down to tell them we would no longer live with their Dad and then the safety measures that were in place regarding visitations then I asked, "Do you have any questions for me?" They huddled together for a second and then asked, "Is the Easter Bunny real or not?"
Hugs and support to you as you navigate this for you and your children.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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When you say everything you've read indicates talking to the kids together is best, do those resources state this is also true when addiction is an active issue?
In your thread a couple of weeks ago you said:
You already KNOW they are feeling the effects of all of this - minimizing the truth doesn't help. Give them the respect of being as honest as is age-&-maturity appropriate. (every kid/family is different)
I basically told DD, "I want to be honest with you & show you respect during all these changes in our lives, but sometimes the most honest answer IS *I don't know*, or *Let me think about the best way to answer that great question you just asked*." I told her that I was often still working on understanding things too, so I wasn't always able to explain them. I told her that NO question was off limits, but that I couldn't answer what she didn't ask. We talk openly about addiction - not just alcoholism, but how all kinds of people struggle with all kinds of behaviors. I talk to her about how it was for me as a kid with an a father who was an alcoholic & drug addict.
When we first separated she was around 5 yrs old (14 now & we've been back & forth a couple of times); I told her that sometimes people grow apart & just can't get along the way they once did. And that trying to FORCE that sometimes brings out the worst in both people, which makes everyone in the house miserable. Sometimes, people need time & a little space just like she does when she goes to her room to read or play alone & shuts the door. That becomes her sanctuary - but for mommies & daddies to do that it sometimes involves living apart. I told her I didn't know where any of the changes were going to take us for sure, but that I COULD promise to let her know as soon as I figured it out. (And then, of course, I kept any promises that I made.)
It doesn't have to be a single conversation. I think the best thing you can do is make sure they know it's an ongoing discussion that you are open for - they can come to you with questions or concerns & you'll try to answer as best you can.... but it's also ok to be honest & admit you might not always know the right answers yourself, that you're learning as you go through this process yourself.
It really paid off for me to show some vulnerability & not try to pretend that I had my crap together all the time.
In your thread a couple of weeks ago you said:
I have set my boundary - I will not live with an active alcoholic. I've had the conversation with AH and the tension between us is level 10. Our communications are short, only about logistics, and unfriendly. We do not acknowledge each other's presence in a room. It's an especially horrible environment for the boys right now even though they don't know or understand anything. We do not raise our voices around them but it's a very cold, hostile environment. I hate this situation. I know they must be feeling it.
I basically told DD, "I want to be honest with you & show you respect during all these changes in our lives, but sometimes the most honest answer IS *I don't know*, or *Let me think about the best way to answer that great question you just asked*." I told her that I was often still working on understanding things too, so I wasn't always able to explain them. I told her that NO question was off limits, but that I couldn't answer what she didn't ask. We talk openly about addiction - not just alcoholism, but how all kinds of people struggle with all kinds of behaviors. I talk to her about how it was for me as a kid with an a father who was an alcoholic & drug addict.
When we first separated she was around 5 yrs old (14 now & we've been back & forth a couple of times); I told her that sometimes people grow apart & just can't get along the way they once did. And that trying to FORCE that sometimes brings out the worst in both people, which makes everyone in the house miserable. Sometimes, people need time & a little space just like she does when she goes to her room to read or play alone & shuts the door. That becomes her sanctuary - but for mommies & daddies to do that it sometimes involves living apart. I told her I didn't know where any of the changes were going to take us for sure, but that I COULD promise to let her know as soon as I figured it out. (And then, of course, I kept any promises that I made.)
It doesn't have to be a single conversation. I think the best thing you can do is make sure they know it's an ongoing discussion that you are open for - they can come to you with questions or concerns & you'll try to answer as best you can.... but it's also ok to be honest & admit you might not always know the right answers yourself, that you're learning as you go through this process yourself.
It really paid off for me to show some vulnerability & not try to pretend that I had my crap together all the time.
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Originally Posted by Gm0824 
On a side note, since they were so young when I sat them down to tell them we would no longer live with their Dad and then the safety measures that were in place regarding visitations then I asked, "Do you have any questions for me?" They huddled together for a second and then asked, "Is the Easter Bunny real or not?"
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Location: California
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Thank you all so much. I so appreciate your experiences and perspectives. I feel like I now have, if not exact words, a sense of how to begin and continue the conversation, how to be mindful during communication of what their top needs and concerns are likely to be. I hope I can convey the sense that they are and will be safe, needs will be met, mom and dad love them same as always, and you will get to spend time with both of us, and I am always open anytime for any questions that come up.
I am pretty sure at this point that we will be able to move to an apartment where they can attend the same schools (and be zoned for the high school I had always been hoping for), still close to friends (so yes! we can still do sleepovers and do Friday night pizza!), still doing sports. And we might even get into a place with a pool - I'm not expecting a big positive reaction from them on this, but they might think that's cool.
I'm still deeply worried about telling their dad. I'm trying not to future trip about it but I guess I'm trying to prepare myself for anything - I've imagined a whole spectrum of possible reactions and how I might respond or deal with those reactions. The more I read about alcohol addiction and correlate that to our conversations and his behavior over the years, the more I realize his internal reality and perspective are much much different than mine. His maturity level is much lower than what one might expect and his motivation and ability to care for himself are probably pretty low. I really do get that this is all "his property" and my feelings, experience, and actions are all "my property". I'm just worried about him. I love him.
The time between when I tell him and when we actually separate residences is bound to be painful.
I am pretty sure at this point that we will be able to move to an apartment where they can attend the same schools (and be zoned for the high school I had always been hoping for), still close to friends (so yes! we can still do sleepovers and do Friday night pizza!), still doing sports. And we might even get into a place with a pool - I'm not expecting a big positive reaction from them on this, but they might think that's cool.
I'm still deeply worried about telling their dad. I'm trying not to future trip about it but I guess I'm trying to prepare myself for anything - I've imagined a whole spectrum of possible reactions and how I might respond or deal with those reactions. The more I read about alcohol addiction and correlate that to our conversations and his behavior over the years, the more I realize his internal reality and perspective are much much different than mine. His maturity level is much lower than what one might expect and his motivation and ability to care for himself are probably pretty low. I really do get that this is all "his property" and my feelings, experience, and actions are all "my property". I'm just worried about him. I love him.
The time between when I tell him and when we actually separate residences is bound to be painful.
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Originally Posted by PerSe
The time between when I tell him and when we actually separate residences is bound to be painful.
It's scary, its the unknown, again, focusing on you and the kiddies is truly enough and A LOT. You have to remember, this is uprooting for all of you. Yes, he probably won't be happy about it but are any of you? You will have your own feelings to deal with, that's where your focus should be (and the kids, which I know goes without saying).
Never forget, he has made the choice to drink alcohol, instead of keeping you and your kids at home with him. I'm not judging his addiction, but his focus for right now is very clear.
You are spot on that his reality is not your reality, so the least said the better really.
"As the addictive process claims more of the addict's self and lifeworld his addiction becomes his primary relationship to the detriment of all others.
Strange as it sounds to speak of a bottle of alcohol, a drug, a gambling obsession or any other such compulsive behavior as a love object, this is precisely what goes on in advanced addictive illness. This means that in addiction there is always infidelity to other love objects such as spouses and other family - for the very existence of addiction signifies an allegiance that is at best divided and at worst -and more commonly- betrayed.
For there comes a stage in every serious addiction at which the paramount attachment of the addict is to the addiction itself. Those unfortunates who attempt to preserve a human relationship to individuals in the throes of progressive addiction almost always sense their own secondary "less than" status in relation to the addiction - and despite the addict's passionate and indignant denials of this reality, they are right: the addict does indeed love his addiction more than he loves them".
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
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Originally Posted by trailmix
It's no fun that's for sure - but again, you have to steel yourself. If you let yourself go to a place of pity or sympathy or any of those places, it's going to be a lot harder I think. I mean I've done it twice but I did steel myself and nothing and no-one was breaking through that.
It's scary, its the unknown, again, focusing on you and the kiddies is truly enough and A LOT. You have to remember, this is uprooting for all of you. Yes, he probably won't be happy about it but are any of you? You will have your own feelings to deal with, that's where your focus should be (and the kids, which I know goes without saying).
Never forget, he has made the choice to drink alcohol, instead of keeping you and your kids at home with him. I'm not judging his addiction, but his focus for right now is very clear.
You are spot on that his reality is not your reality, so the least said the better really.
"As the addictive process claims more of the addict's self and lifeworld his addiction becomes his primary relationship to the detriment of all others.
Strange as it sounds to speak of a bottle of alcohol, a drug, a gambling obsession or any other such compulsive behavior as a love object, this is precisely what goes on in advanced addictive illness. This means that in addiction there is always infidelity to other love objects such as spouses and other family - for the very existence of addiction signifies an allegiance that is at best divided and at worst -and more commonly- betrayed.
For there comes a stage in every serious addiction at which the paramount attachment of the addict is to the addiction itself. Those unfortunates who attempt to preserve a human relationship to individuals in the throes of progressive addiction almost always sense their own secondary "less than" status in relation to the addiction - and despite the addict's passionate and indignant denials of this reality, they are right: the addict does indeed love his addiction more than he loves them".
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
It's scary, its the unknown, again, focusing on you and the kiddies is truly enough and A LOT. You have to remember, this is uprooting for all of you. Yes, he probably won't be happy about it but are any of you? You will have your own feelings to deal with, that's where your focus should be (and the kids, which I know goes without saying).
Never forget, he has made the choice to drink alcohol, instead of keeping you and your kids at home with him. I'm not judging his addiction, but his focus for right now is very clear.
You are spot on that his reality is not your reality, so the least said the better really.
"As the addictive process claims more of the addict's self and lifeworld his addiction becomes his primary relationship to the detriment of all others.
Strange as it sounds to speak of a bottle of alcohol, a drug, a gambling obsession or any other such compulsive behavior as a love object, this is precisely what goes on in advanced addictive illness. This means that in addiction there is always infidelity to other love objects such as spouses and other family - for the very existence of addiction signifies an allegiance that is at best divided and at worst -and more commonly- betrayed.
For there comes a stage in every serious addiction at which the paramount attachment of the addict is to the addiction itself. Those unfortunates who attempt to preserve a human relationship to individuals in the throes of progressive addiction almost always sense their own secondary "less than" status in relation to the addiction - and despite the addict's passionate and indignant denials of this reality, they are right: the addict does indeed love his addiction more than he loves them".
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
I am ready now to put the focus on the boys and me and our way ahead. There are some really good options for us out there. We have some challenges ahead, but we also have a lot to look forward to, and a lot of factors that I can keep stable for them - same schools, still close to friends.
This could be a whole other post, but tonight my 11 year old revealed to me that he does - as you and others have suggested - understand a whole lot more than I thought he did. He gets it and I reassured him he could always ask me anything at any time, and always talk to me about any feelings he might have, and that is also what his therapist is for too. (Glad I got that going.)
I am so grateful right now for Higher Power, you beautiful people on this board, for my therapist, and for the Alanon group I'm going to . And for my mom who is also supporting me through this. I know I would still be stuck without all of you.
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