PerSe

Even as I still struggle to fully understand what co-dependent fully means, I can see from my own thoughts that I am co-dependent. And I don't know where all this guilt comes from.

He’s the one who went out drinking last night – why do I feel guilty for planning to leave him? He slept until noon today – why do I feel guilty about the kids missing him? He’s the one who, after around eight beers last night before he went out, promised to spend this day getting the boys new baseball bats and practicing with them but instead slept until noon, then decided to just work in the garage all afternoon and drink more beer, so I took the boys to get the new baseball bats – why do I feel guilty? He’s the one who, over the years, has shut me down completely every single time I have raised my concern about his drinking – so why do I feel guilty? He’s the one who leaves me and the boys several nights per week, even if he doesn’t leave the house, to drink and stays checked out emotionally afterward – so why do I feel guilty for planning to divorce him?

Somehow there's this feeling that he hasn't really done anything wrong. But I know that's wrong!

I'm going to continue going to Al-anon and continue reading to try to untangle my messy thought patterns. My therapist is helping me with this too. But have other people felt this way at one time or another? Would love to hear how you overcome feelings of selfishness and guilt.

Bekindalways

Ugh, Perse. We are a whacko set here. I think that what you are feeling is pretty common. It is why the phrase "You didn't cause it; you can't control it and you can't cure it." gets put on here quite a bit. We all need to be reminded of this as our instinct is that it should be our fault . . . . which would make us able to cure the entire mess too.

One day I was thinking of the gospels and how Jesus Christ on a few occasions had had it with all the people and took off by himself or his friends. This isn't emphasized much but if Jesus Christ new it was right to take care of himself than we should do that too . . . not sure if that helps but that is where my guilt started diminishing.

NYCDoglvr

I know from myself in the past feeling guilt was directly related to my need to control others. Alanon helped me see that. Glad you're going.

trailmix

At some point there was a relationship there, probably not all it might have been but no doubt probably better than it is now. You married the person, had children with them and said this is your Mother or Father, we are a family (and believed you were).

At some point this has all disintegrated, but that doesn't change what your intention was or what your loyalty was or what you expected, well not right away anyway. There has to be time between making that decision and carrying it through (or afterward) to adjust. It's not easy and here is an example of why, from an earlier post you made:
See that's kind of normal, you feel bad that he will feel bad, normal right? But you could counter this with 5 destructive things. However, instead of doing that, stick with your decision for now, you are going to have to steel yourself and carry through. Once you are out of the situation you can hash through all this stuff. Put the guilt aside for now perhaps by focusing on yourself and your children and your goal.

The thing with addiction is and perhaps this is something to put at the forefront right now, it TAKES. It takes away from you, from your kids and from the family as a whole. If it were neutral (like he promised - 2 drinks a night back in 2015?) well maybe that would be workable, that's not the case and never has been.

One other thing to keep in mind, you moved out of your room, he is being hostile, he's treating the kids badly and he is doing nothing to stop this train running off the tracks.

Is he hightailing it to AA for 90 in 90? Calling rehabs to see how soon he can get in? Anything, anything. No. Because the alcohol is still calling the shots in his life, ok, that's his choice.

I don't see you divorcing him out of spite or hate, maybe you are just tired of alcohol running your life too. It's a terrible task-master.

Givenup2018

It's the co-dependents response, to take on everything, be the responsible one, feel guilty that they are not doing enough. You set such high expectations for yourself and cannot achieve them. I guess you still believe you are responsible for not being able to change him, to get him to stop, all perfectly normal. I think the more you detach, do your steps, the less you will feel guilty and responsible.

SmallButMighty

I allowed myself to stay mired in the F.O.G. (fear,obligation,guilt) for a very long time, years. There were a lot of reasons, most of them even stemming from love. Love for my AXH, love for our kids and extended family, love for the good times. Love for the dream (that was never going to happen with alcoholism driving the bus)... I said marriage vows, I meant them, i thought that meant I had to stay. I invested more then 20 years into the relationship,we raised a family together, I couldn't be "weak' and just give up.... I was really twisted up in my codependence. A lot of what I was doing was codependent even though I was seeing it through a lens of love. Love was not enough.

I still struggle with the guilt sometimes... and I'm five years out and remarried. It isn't something that consumes me, rather, it just makes me sad that my (young adult)kids now have two sets of parents instead of the one nuclear unit. I do not regret my decision to end my first marriage. It had grown toxic and I was never going to be happy or healthy living with his alcoholism. The farther I get away from that time in my life, the more clear the picture becomes. It continues to become clearer, almost daily. More continues to be revealed and each day I am thankful that my AXH problems are no longer mine. I am not sure if my mommy heart will ever be 100% guilt free but I know that I'm a better mother now that I am no longer living a life of codependency. When we know better we do better.

I don't live in the F.O.G anymore, but some days are still a bit foggy... at least now I know how to navigate myself to clearer skies. That growth would not have been possible for me if I had stayed with my qualifier.

It's tough stuff PerSe, but you are taking the right steps. Hang in there. *hugs*

Mango212

Hi PerSe,

How is your confidence now? Sending good thoughts, wishes & prayers.

I hope you don't mind having this month-old thread brought up.

PerSe

Sasha1972

I think "shaky" is pretty normal at this stage, and I'm glad you're going to Al Anon. With respect to SoberLink, I understand that it's tough to determine the tradeoffs between being able to arrive at a settlement you can live with, and standing your ground on SoberLink testing. If you're really anxious about him drinking around the kids when you're not there, one "softer" option might be a graduated SoberLink schedule - tests before and after visits and every three hours while he's with the kids for the first six weeks, then if there are no problems, testing only before and after visits, etc.

Mango212

He gives his word about never drinking with the boys by himself but thinks nothing of downing a 6-pack and bottle of wine on Saturday- apparently since I was home it was a-okay.


This.

Being home alone with the boys can become quickly familiar and very ingrained habits stay.

Addiction is a disease of pushing limits, again and again. Those who've drove drunk with children never made a sane thought of doing so. Alcoholism becomes more and more the priority.

Mango212

Meetings, gratitude, new actions, making use of phone lists, DV help centers (emotional abuse in alcoholic households is real), listening to the healthy inner voice and posting here often can help greatly with fear.

((((hugs))))

trailmix

From your other thread:

Your agreement has been in place all of 15 minutes and now he's introducing changes. I'm sorry Perse but that really doesn't bode well. That's why you need a legally binding agreement, so you don't have to have these discussions with him.

What will probably happen is oh he would like Saturday night and we want to go to the lake all day Sunday, I'll bring them back Monday. Unless it's on paper now all you have is an argument on your hands. Upset kids, yelling STBXH, it's messy.

He probably wants them to spend the night Saturday's so he can drink.

This is good and kind and respectful. It can also be a trap if you let it be. The onus will be on him to have a good and ongoing relationship with them, not on you. You can provide the means, with fair visitation, that's about it. What he does with that is up to him. He may decide to take up drinking full time and visitation will wane sometimes, don't let that be your worry.

AnvilheadII

if time with his children was THAT important, he'd be sober NOW.
i'm sorry but i would not trust this man's word on the weather, much less his words on staying sober while he has his kids with him in the future on a significantly reduced schedule.

i understand the trade offs you are considering. but if he IS sober then doing soberlink would be a welcome opportunity to prove his commitment to his kids. i mean if they wanted to test you for heroin, that wouldn't be a problem. right? you don't do heroin, there won't be any in your system. end.of.story

stay with what you know about this guy, not what you hope he COULD be as a father............he IS a father, training wheels are off!

mylifeismine

(((hugs)))

This is a short but very helpful article. The last sentence of the first
paragraph is so true-
a codependent's opiate- an overbearing amount of hope -
is right on for me. And how hard it is to set/keep boundaries
when dealing with an active addict/alcoholic. As in you
are not responsible for the quality of his relationship
with his kids. I know there are malicious people who will
lie and trash talk their spouse to their kids, but you are
simply keeping your children safe.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/recove...ign=CO_469747/

dawnrising

I gotta think this is really common. Im sure most of us were raised in a manner where you don't leave someone who is sick. The people who don't recognize the sickness don't think twice about living their own lives. The kicker is in staying in an unhealthy situation to help someone get healthy we make ourselves sick. There is a writing somewhere hopefully someone will come along and share it. Its something along the lines of a collapsing bridge. The bridge is crumbling but luckily it is still strong enough to make it over to the other side. You have no idea what is on the other side but the side you're standing on, is certain destruction. You take your kids and cross the bridge. The A is afraid of heights. You are not strong enough to carry the A across and you are certainly are not strong enough to carry someone who is clawing at their side of the bridge, fighting you every step of the way. The only thing you can do is encourage them, love them, pray for them from the safe side of the bridge. At some point no amount of encouragement, love, prayers can make someone face that fear. They will make their choice and at some point you have to decide if you stay to watch or if you turn and explore the unknown. I'm sure I have botched that story good. But for me the visual made such perfect sense.