Seren

Oh, hummingbird, I am sorry!

He may or may not lose his job. I say this gently, and not intending or wanting to sound mean or callous, but whether or not he does is his responsibility. It is not inside your hula-hoop.

Even if you had scads of money to spend on expensive, luxury rehabs (those $10,000 to $15,000/mo places), has his history shown that he would stay? From what you have shared, it sure sounds like he would either never show up or would bolt after just a few days.

FYI, the Salvation Army has a rehab program in many locations around the U.S. Their program has an excellent reputation and is absolutely free. It's a shame that some folks look down on it because it is the Salvation Army (only homeless drunks use that!) Some perceive homelessness as some sort of character flaw.

It is positive that he has 3 days sober! That is a great thing!! Pray, hope for the best, take good care of yourself and your own peace.

My prayers continue!

hopeful4

When he wants recovery he will move mountains to make that happen. If not, no matter who spends what amount of money, it won't happen. That is just the way it is. It is not within your control.

Sending prayers and huge hugs!

AnvilheadII

ya know hummingbird, you've been here since 2014 with concerns about your son. at various times you felt he was on the edge, over the edge, not gonna make it, etc. and yet here we are in 2019 and.......he's managing just fine. has a roof over his head, has a job (??), has enough funds to do what HE wants, sporting new tattoos. he may not be conducting his life "well" or as you would like to see, but it's working for HIM.

he also has figured out that if he tells his parents how "bad" it all is, they stay hooked in and find ways to "help" him. throwing more and more money at a problem that he doesn't really seem interested in resolving. he knows how the play the game.

just my 1.5 cents........

hummingbird358

Thanks AnvilheadII for reminding me of how long I have been living in hell. Other parents also have helped their child(ren) when they were in active in addiction. I have come a long way and yet it took me a hell of a long time to get to this point. I wish I could turn back time and tell my son to do this himself.
I hate my life, I hate this entire situation. It has ruined so much.
I have now walked away, blocked his number. Next step is to remove him from my health insurance.
I pray God takes him. yep, that is awful for a mother to say.

SparkleKitty

Praying for your son to be free from pain isn't awful. Negative self-talk won't help you now. You have done your best, and all you could think of to make a difference. That it was never something under your control isn't your fault, and accepting that doesn't make you a bad person.

trailmix

You know hummingbird, perhaps it would be easier for you to hope he is well, or pray as you do, that he is well.

Even asking God to "take him" is trying to control the situation.

You need peace of mind most of all. How about just giving it up.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it, can't Cure it.

I hope you find some peace of mind in all of this.

AnvilheadII

i'm sorry HB, my point of the time line was only to point out how long HIS next steps, next move, next thought, or action have been the center of everything. and yet through out it all, he's still banging along, doing his thing. and that maybe the Son Alert System doesn't always need to be at DefCon 2-High readiness; armed forces ready to deploy in six hours and maybe you can start to work you back to DefCon 1-Normal peacetime readiness.

FallenAngelina

What is your support and wellness program?

hummingbird358

I go to Alanon. I go to a parents meeting 2x's a month.
Last night at Alanon, they said that we need to love the alcoholic and be supportive and realize the real person is in there.
I feel like crap because I have blocked his number and still have it blocked. I am supposed to be patient and supportive? He is so disrespectful which I understand is the addictive person. How do I separate the two?
I don't want to receive text messages asking for help with rent or bills. I don't want to receive text messages twisting my words, etc. So I keep it blocked.
Am I sending the right message to him or am I being an awful person? My husband calls him every day just to check in and be supportive... where was he when my son was growing up and wanted to throw football, go fishing, etc. Now he turns on the dad switch...
I am full of resentment and anger all the way around.
It just seems that when I open my mouth to speak to my son, it makes him angered and the conversation escalates and he hangs up on me or mutes his phone so not to hear me speak.
Like others have said and I am trying... this is his life, his choices. I need to walk away and I am trying.

FeelingGreat

Hi H, don't envy those parents who have seemingly unlimited money to send their children to expensive rehab. How many of them stay sober when they get back to normal life? Probably only the ones who were ready to quit anyway.

If your son doesn't want to get better yet, hasn't surrendered mentally, it wouldn't matter how much you spent on him. You'd be poorer, he'd still be drunk.

I know you're second guessing yourself about blocking him, but you have to protect your mental health. Your husband will do what he has to do.

Hawkeye13

I think he's still in deep manipulation mode with you.
Your husband may be able to hold a more objective viewpoint when engaging your son, so it is easier for him because of that.

I think you are doing the right thing for both of you by no contact at this time.

The addiction has made your relationship / interaction toxic right now.

Getting some distance is critical for your physical and mental health, and believe it or not, your son needs to understand that he must be responsible, and accept the consequences, for his choices. You stepping back is tangible evidence of that.

You not rescuing him (wearing my former addict hat here) may be the thing that allows him room to save himself. That choice, and his life, is in his hands as an adult--not yours.

Your role as a mother / protector must change to reflect his autonomy.
He may make terrible choices, but they are ultimately his to make.

I understand how helpless and upset this makes you, but you need to work on that and stay in your lane.

Your healing and peaceful presence will have an incredible positive impact on your family whatever the surface outcome.
If he chooses to embrace recovery, reconnection can happen, but not until then.

It makes the space for healing and recovery for all of you

hopeful4

Here is the thing. Alanon is great, but people throw in a lot of their own OPINIONS. These people are not trained counselors. They are not trained to tell you what to do. Alanon should be about supporting and taking good care of YOU.

You have blocked your son because he manipulates you and treats you badly. I think he knows you love him. Your husband is checking on him. You have to take care of yourself before you go down the rabbit hole with him. Let go or be dragged.

I am going to remind you of the three C's. You did not Cause this, You cannot Control this, and you surely cannot Cure this. The help is there, he has to want it. You are not some bad person, please remember that.

Sending huge hugs.

FallenAngelina

That may be what one person said, but the AlAnon principle is that no advice is offered. In a meeting where folks stick to the principles, nobody will ever tell you what you need to do or think. When a person shares, she can say whatever she likes (barring cross talk) and share her perspective, but that would be one person's perspective. You can take what works for you and leave the rest while listening to the others. A good meeting will have many people with many perspectives and thoughts - some will speak to you and some will not. AlAnon program literature absolutely does not say that "we need to love the alcoholic and be supportive, etc."

SparkleKitty

You can love someone from a distance.

You can be supportive of them (when they are engaged in endeavors that you are actually supportive of) from a distance.

You can recognize there is a person in there while simultaneously acknowledging and accepting that interaction with that person right now hurts you, and that you do not deserve to be hurt because of someone else's pain. Hurting you doesn't fix him.

Taking care of yourself does not come at his expense. Your son can get actual meaningful help without it costing you your savings or your serenity. What he wants is not necessarily what he needs.

thequest

I've seen alcoholics and addicts playing both sides of the fence with in a family. I also know they grow extremely bitter to those who won't validate their behavior or feed their addiction. If their addiction is worsening as is your relationship it sounds like it's time to detach.

To me there is a certain time or certain lines that are crossed that will make it all but impossible to return to the way things were and even that might not have been that great. Things will never be the same and certain things will stick out, especially with repetitious day in day out behavior. Hopefully you'll eventually be able to work on a new and different relationship with your son but I wouldn't look for any sort of nostalgia or 'the good times'. You both would be pretending if you acted like nothing ever happened.

I know one family who validates their adult alcoholic's drinking in their home writing it off as that's what they do, their decision etc yet they've deteriorated over the years as has the relationship overall. It's more important to them for alcoholic/addict adult child to show up to family events, holidays etc than their sobriety. The alcoholic and addict must learn their behavior or life style is not an acceptable to you. Give him support IF he chooses rehab without consulting you.

Stay healthy yourself

Good Luck

Sasha1972

I think you've done the right thing by blocking him and having no further communication. It looks like your interaction with your son doesn't do either of you any good. He is still living as he chooses to live, and you are anxious, angry, worried.

Alcoholics can keep going with the drama and enmeshment forEVER. I have been separated from my ex-husband for almost nine years and he is still trying to engage me in hostilities and crises. All that we non-alcoholics can do is exercise our choice to drop the rope.