ABF in rehab

Old 03-21-2019, 04:12 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 73
ABF in rehab

My ABF went into rehab 3/1/19, he is now allowed (1) 5 minute phone call a day, started this week, and will be allowed family visits starting this weekend. It is a faith based ministries run rehab, and is free. He had to commit to stay 90 days in order to be accepted. He’s now telling me “this isn’t a rehab, this isn’t recovery, it’s for homeless people”. “It’s a work camp”. He told me he plans on sticking it out 90 days since he committed to it, he plans on staying.

I don’t know what to think. I plan on visiting Saturday and I’m hoping he doesn’t lay a guilt trip on me. A close colleague of mine went through the program about 10 years ago and she swears by it, she’s been sober ever since. The reviews I’ve read about the place from previous attendants have been good. I know they are very regimented with chores and 5 “meetings a day” which I think is sermons.

My main concern is he is only been sober for the 3 weeks since he’s been in there, is this common place for newly sober folks in rehab to voice discontent over the program?
Schne is offline  
Old 03-21-2019, 04:33 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
Ma'am.

My son went into a 30 day inpatient rehab facility on 2/26/2019. I am so grateful he chose to go on his own. I've been sober 21 years, but did not go to an inpatient facility. I walked in an AA meeting one day and I still attend meetings. When my son gets out, it's my job to support and encourage him in his sobriety.

I've never heard a meeting labeled as "a sermon." I'm glad meetings are not "sermons" or I never would have gone back. Meetings are a safe place for alcoholics and drug addicted individuals to share their experience, strength, and hope with one another.

I doubt there's a perfect rehabilitation facility. Treatment centers save thousands of lives every year, and I'm grateful those people were there when my son needed them.
djlook is offline  
Old 03-21-2019, 04:48 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
RIP Sweet Suki
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,729
It sounds like it could be something like the Salvation Army Rehabilitation program. That could be why he sees so many "homeless" people there. Their program is free, but they require people to have assigned duties and to attend daily 12-step meetings. In return they are fed, have shower facilities, and have a safe place to sleep at night. Not too bad for free.

The fact that he agreed to stay for the 90 days sounds promising. Hopefully, he will learn something while there.
suki44883 is offline  
Old 03-21-2019, 04:49 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 73
I’ll know when I go visit Saturday, I can only go by what he is telling me over the phone about the meetings. When I dropped him off there on the first of the Month the lady checking him in gave him a schedule of the chores along with meeting times, she said “5 meetings a day” he has lead me to believe they are sermons. I am pleased he has gone into a rehab and he says he wants to quit drinking so he had called the rehab, he had arranged to go in. I will be as supportive as I can, I am just worried he’s having second thoughts right now, 3 weeks in. Was just wandering if this is to be expected.
Schne is offline  
Old 03-21-2019, 05:13 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
I get it that you're afraid, Schne. I felt that way last week when my son called and started talking about some grievances he and some of the other guys had. It scared me because I thought he would check out early. Come to find out, that's part of the program, that they learn how to settle disputes among themselves and grow through their experiences without turning to a drink. My son is hanging in there and has already grown so much. When I was able to start listening to the growth he's experiencing and stop focusing on my fear that he would leave, telling him how proud I was of him, it made all the difference in the world. It sounds like your BF is really sincere about getting sober or he wouldn't have taken the first step. That's great!!! My son also has a lot of chores, and I'm glad. He needed the change from sitting on the couch, drinking beer, and texting or whatever he does on that damn phone. Your BF is saying stuff, but try and focus on what steps he had to take to get into a program and maybe tell him you're proud of him. It takes more courage than you can imagine for an alcoholic to ask for help and then follow through and take the steps to get where he is. Good for him and the best of luck to both of you.
djlook is offline  
Old 03-21-2019, 05:19 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
tomsteve's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
it reads like someone that doesnt like structure complaining about it.
2 choices:
baby him and keep allowing him to complain(which he probably did a lot when drinking)
or
tell him talk to one of the counselors there about these issues- time for him to get out of the underoos and into some big boy britches and suck it up.

i have a feeling he doesnt know what recovery looks like so he cant say it doesnt look like recovery.

on this:
I don’t know what to think.
you dont have to think anything on it- its his recovery and his choice.
its your choice whether you allow the guilt trip.you can stop it at any time or not even allow it to start. you are allowed to walk out of the visit at any time.

you are allowed to set boundaries and have consequences when they are breached.
which ya may want to htink about what you will do if he leaves rehab early- set a boundary on that
tomsteve is offline  
Old 03-21-2019, 05:23 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
tomsteve's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Schne View Post
I will be as supportive as I can,
at the cost of losing yourself more?
you may want to think about what that support looks like.
tomsteve is offline  
Old 03-21-2019, 08:01 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Schne...I sure am glad to hear that he may stay for the full 90 days....because, it will give him the time to learn some tools to prepare him for maintaining his sobriety...And, very importantly, it will give you time to turn your attention to your own self, and some changes that you will need to make.....because a person who is in Genuine recovery will not be l ike the same person that was actively drinking.....
You are going to need to understand how to not enable him (even unintentionally)...and get out of his way, And, to disentangle yourself and detach from his disease.....
Both parties will have to make changes....
For one thing...you will need to start m aking boundaries that protect YOU.
for example---He can't do a "guilt trip" on you, unless you let him do that. If he starts, let him know that you don't take that crap, anymore. If he persists, just get up and leave the visit. harsh?--NO...it is protecting yourself!

It is said that when a person starts drinking at an early age...their emotional development stops, there. Yes, a lot of alcoholics may complain about the rehab program, in the beginning...because so many of them are still like teenagers, emotionally. Self centered...entitled...spoiled....
When he whines...he needs to be told to take it elsewhere...you are not his mommy or his therapist. He has other people for that...if he is following a program like he should be...

There is a lot to learn....
In another thread, I gave you a link to our extensive library...of more than a hundred excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones...I hope you are reading them....
If you didn't...I am going to give you the following link, again....You will have time to read one each day, while he is rehab.....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

In addition to the above articles, I suggest that you read "Co-dependent No More". It is one of the most recommended books, on this site....it is an easy read, and, I think you will find a lot that resonates with you….you can get a copy at the library...or order one, used, on amazon.com. You can get it on kindle, also....

I an giving you a link to an article that you may find very valuable, right how. I think it is a good yardstick to evaluate your bf's motivation, right now...It is taken from that list of over 100 articles that I gave you...

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)

There is sooo much to learn...
Knowledge is power....
dandylion is offline  
Old 03-22-2019, 03:45 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 73
Thank you, I appreciate all the words of wisdom. I’ve been reading the articles, they are helpful. I have Co-dependent no more, I’ve started reading it. And I’ve been to Al-Anon weekly. It’s hard in the beginning , as most of y’all know.
Schne is offline  
Old 03-22-2019, 09:27 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
AnvilheadII's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
so he's three weeks sober and suddenly an EXPERT on rehabs and recovery?

let him squawk, you don't have to take it seriously or DO anything with his words. most freshly sober addicts are cranky and fussy - they have to change, they don't get their drug of choice, and now people are telling them what to do! the horror!!! he's a toddler and someone just took his cookie..........

since he chose to go here and made the commitment, there IS no guilt trip he can lay on you. you don't wrap him duct tape, toss him in the trunk and deposit him there against his will.
AnvilheadII is offline  
Old 03-22-2019, 11:50 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 73
Thank you, I needed all the words of wisdom to help keep my resolve. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your strength with me
Schne is offline  
Old 03-23-2019, 10:11 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Zevin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 534
It's a REALLY positive sign that he found this place on his own and is committed to 90 days! I hope it works out for you both.
How did the visit go?
Zevin is offline  
Old 03-24-2019, 06:29 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 73
Visit went well, he confirmed he is committed t stay the 90 days. He’s 23 days sober and says he still has more healing to do even though he says he feels great by comparison to being drunk everyday. The overall puffiness is gone and he has clear eyes and his speech is clear.

He says he’s been talking at the testimonials more and developing a kinship with the other “older guys” there, he’s 46 and it’s a group of about 20 guys so there’s a handful of mid 40-50 year olds. He also said he volunteers to do extra work duties to help the day go by a bit quicker and to stay busy.

He’s only 23 days in so it’s still early.

Thanks for all the feedback, it’s been very helpful.
Schne is offline  
Old 03-24-2019, 06:48 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 319
While there is absolutely no reason for him to be blaming YOU, as someone whos been there I will say that many free places DO in fact abound with homeless.

To be fair, many homeless people check themselves into rehabs and even get themselves arrested to have a meal and a place to stay.
Dandelion12 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:14 AM.