Hi, I posted in the newcomer forum but was encouraged to reach out here too.

I’m very worried about my partner of the last 2 years. We met at a coffee shop/bar in my neighborhood, where he worked. We spent a lot of time together as friends for 6 months. Everybody who worked there drank. I switched to water for medical reasons and it was no big deal for me or (seemingly) for the people i knew at the bar. Eventually, we started dating after he confessed his feelings for me. After our first date or so, he went radio silent without explanation—then he expressed to me that he’d been struggling with a serious alcohol problem and been trying to quit for a long time. Since before I met him, he’d been drinking throughout the day, alone and with others, to wake up and to fall asleep, and smoked weed constantly. I had no judgment to offer, only support and whatever relief i could offer for the shame he was feeling. He quit drinking that September, quit smoking weed later that fall. Everything between us was truly amazing—about as good as anyone could ask for—for nearly a year. We were clean at the bar, in good spirits, and very much in love. He even quit smoking that summer.

Things changed overnight when he quit his job at the bar. It seemed on impulse—he’d just quit smoking too and had nothing else lined up yet. He’d been complaining about the boss, etc. but the real reason (he only admitted me this months later) was because he felt uncomfortable in the environment—for obvious reasons. I supported his decision and helped him make a path to having a job and eventually the career he really wanted.

He broke up with me the day he quit that job. I was devastated. We reconciled later the following day.

That began a cycle of bliss followed by seemingly out of nowhere breakups (plus radio silence) once a month, every month, since. He just broke up with me again. We’d been living together. He moved out the moment he decided. This has happened once a month every month since August. There’s rarely been an in-between phase of just taking some time to ourselves to think.

As far as I know, he hasn’t had a drink since last September. I don’t know about right now, though, of course.

I’m supposed to smoke weed for my health condition, but I don’t. Almost a year since he stopped smoking, he suggested I smoke for myself and wanted to smoke with me. We did, despite my questioning it. The next day and every day after for the week, he wanted to every day. When I had the hard talk and expressed my concern- and said no I wouldn’t smoke- he got mad at me. Eventually, though, he realized it was right to be concerned for his sobriety and wellness. His family used to pressure him to drink and smoke. He’d cave on smoking but eventually stopped. I encouraged him to be clear about his needs, to tell them if he felt comfortable, told him I was with him in it always. But I’m feeling like that was all perceived as meddling, deep down.

He never wanted to admit the problem or its severity. He only went to two AA meetings. I started to feel (and be encouraged to feel) guilty for guiding him too much—such as suggesting he go to meetings or find a counselor so he could speak freely and safely. Unfortunately he was trying to do this without any outside help, and clearly struggling. We had a very loving relationship. The breakups were awful and grew more awful each time—always in response to moments of stress on my part or a big (positive) event coming up. He would always simply leave.

We got extremely close over our time together and each time this stuff happened he’d reveal he was still struggling internally, hadn’t processed big traumas like his father’s sudden passing when he was a child, etc. He was also incredibly anxious all the time and would rarely communicate that with me. My attempts to encourage him in a safe way or to offer solutions, when he told me he was struggling with huge specifics, were met with resentment. But I supported his process because who am I to judge. We both knew we loved each other and he was otherwise extremely good to me, considerate of my health and needs, etc.
He’s not communicating this time. In fact, in the past I’ve always had to initiate communication because he’s felt like a failure and didn’t know what to say or expect I’d take him back. I did every time, because I don’t judge addiction. Everyone has some kind of issue in life.

Very recently he said I’d been ‘making’ him do everything (including spending time with me.) His insults included some pretty cutting remarks. I’m sad to say I got so upset at one point that I said some regrettable things too. The reasons he provided for breaking up this time were...everything: money, conflicting desires, spending time, not wanting to build a life with me (we’d been living together and were looking for a new apartment), not wanting to go to our friend’s weddings together (even though we had planned to, and I found a way to pay for one or the trips), that he will always disappoint me. Most of it didn’t feel sincere, but the last thing did.

He walked out saying he would have to come back because he left to pairs of shoes. He hasn’t said anything since and still has my key. I’m worried he’s having a breakdown and I don’t know what my best move is. I wish I could help. I know I can’t “save” him or “fix” another person or tell anyone what to do. He’s gone to stay with a friend who has even more major drug and alcohol problems, so I’m extra worried.

My partner’s behavior has been extremely impulsive in bursts. At all other times, he was almost overly considerate—often to his detriment in ways I couldn’t have known because he wouldn’t communicate. Every month he’d have a freak out and say/do the opposite of everything he’s expressed wanting and acted to build.

I am very sad about this loss because I really do love him and life has otherwise been beautiful—I went to his brother’s wedding, he got to know my whole family, we shared nice weekend rituals and cooked food and laughed, he was with me through a major health crisis of my own.

I’m at a loss. If there’s any useful guidance, I’ll take it. Thanks if you’ve read all of this.

Thanks very much for these replies. I’m going to go to a meeting this week.
It’s definitely not something I expected to need on my own because I thought the problem was more in the past since he wasn’t actively drinking. Guess I’m not the first person to learn this lesson.

I agree with this completely. I’m not remotely a wilting flower (or whatever other silly metaphor I could think of). I made my choices to see the person past the problem, because I didn’t want to identify him simply as an addict and thought that I could provide helpful support. There were many circumstantial troubles that I hoped demonstrated a need for coping mechanisms, not a breakup. Clearly the problem goes deeper than I originally thought.

Absolutely! I like this metaphor. The hook is real. I’m back in my own hula hoop now. Thank you.