PerSe

I have taken steps to start the divorce process although it feels like I am walking ahead nearly blind. I put down a retainer with an attorney and this weekend I wrote the divorce “declaration”, the basic story of our situation and why I am seeking divorce. It includes “requests for orders” that outlines what outcomes I am hoping the court to decide for us (the boys and me). It is a sad read. I’ve read over it and edited it a hundred times and I still find myself thinking the judge or whoever is going to roll their eyes wondering why I’m making such a big deal about some beer and wine. And then I try to observe my own thoughts objectively and I see that my denial and gaslighting-affected mindset is a toxic pit of tar that I am climbing out of. It is a big deal. I really don’t want my boys to live with an active alcoholic. I don’t want to live with an active alcoholic.

I still get practically paralyzed when I think of AH being ordered to move out of this house that he loves so much, especially as he is in ongoing physical pain. And I feel paralyzed when I think of moving my two active, energetic boys from this place (which isn’t really all that awesome TBH but still) into some small maybe-2-bedroom apartment. I tell myself that even if we end up in a crappy apartment to start out with, we can always change up after the year lease is done. And who knows, maybe something would open up for us. And our stuff – omg all our stuff. I’m not emotionally attached to any of it really, it’s just the thought of dealing with it all and moving. Again.

Thank you for reading – it just really helps to be able to share these painful feelings.

I’m gonna end positive here – AH agreed when I told him I wanted to take the boys on the spring break trip we had planned. There was no argument – he just agreed to stay behind. The trip is going to be awesome. The boys will be disappointed that dad is not going but I know we are going to have a really good time! It's only a few days away, but I think it will be really good for us - kind of a chance to warm and strengthen the dynamic between us without their dad there to keep me and them on eggshells.

Mango212

(((hugs)))

Stay safe, look for supportive, healthy connections everywhere you go and allow yourself to ******enjoy****** every one of them.

Leaps of faith create new opportunities.

AnvilheadII

further research abolished my reply.....sorry!

PerSe

AnvilheadII, Ca is a no-fault divorce state. I guess the point of writing up the declaration is to support my request for sole legal and physical custody. According to my attorney, the Ca courts will always seek to balance the custody to 50-50 unless another arrangement is shown to be in the children's best interest. I'm asking for sole legal and physical custody and no overnights with AH until he has shown a reliable record of no alcohol use by testing before and after their visits. I think they have to have a solid story/statement upon which to base a decision that drastic.

From a personal side, it really did help me to write it all out. How we started, how we got here. It is helping me to see and remember how sad I have been for so so long. I realize that one of my detrimental thought patterns is to simply and shallowly distract myself from my deepest concerns. I am working on that and this declaration really helped me unearth the deepest core of my concerns.

AutumnMama

Sometimes I feel like the more I try to wrap my head around the ENTIRE situation, the more overwhelmed I get. I try to compartmentalize some things. For example--we are currently selling the house my son and I are living in. Not sure WHEN it's going to sell, but when it does, I plan on moving into a townhouse or condo or something nearby. That's about all I can focus on without becoming overwhelmed. Because I can begin to ask myself--where will you live (no point researching places to rent if I don't know when I'm moving...) do I even want to live in this town anymore? In this state? Where would my son go to school? Etc etc. Just focusing on keeping the house clean and ready to show is all I can really manage right now. The other stuff, I have to trust, will work itself out when the time is right.

I feel for you. It's so hard. I have researched mediators for the divorce but I haven't made any calls yet. It's on my list just not my priority at the moment, I guess. (Also, why does he ask me for a divorce, and then I have to be the one who actually does all the leg work? hahaha). One step at a time.

PerSe

Thanks AutumnMama, that is really helpful. I like your approach of looking at the next step ahead rather than trying to solve the whole puzzle at once. I will remember that. I wish you much peace and love through your journey.

AnvilheadII

thanks Per se....as i noted, further research indicated much the same....i just gotta DO the research first before spouting off my wisdom. LOL (like THAT will ever happen!!).

i see now that the declaration is petitioning /pleading the courts FOR the divorce, only parental custody etc. i am glad you found it therapeutic. one thing i did read was to remember your audience - judges (or court commissioners?) see gazillions of these things, and we aren't trying to make the best seller list - keep it short and to the point, factual, not emotional, without sounding mean spirited or attempting to truly attack the other parties reputation etc.

trailmix

Yes, since they have to read so many, point form is always a good fall back.

I think it will appear worse that you think it is Perse, to outsiders. It's become your norm and you are second-guessing your judgement (this happens when you have been told a thousand times that your judgement is off - ie: what's a bottle of wine and a 6-pack on a Saturday night, you are over-reacting/judging harshly/being a drama queen!).

You're not.

hopeful4

I would find out from your attorney which judge in your area is familiar with addiction and also make sure your attorney is as well. I know I was able to "strike" one judge when I got divorced. The one I struck is a known alcoholic himself.

It's a hard process. Keep sharing, you are not alone.

NYCDoglvr

My heart goes out to you. I also had a problem keeping my thoughts from sabotaging me. At Alanon I learned to focus on the next right thing, to keep reeling my mind back in and take it one day at a time. Big hug!