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Old 03-16-2019, 02:45 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Trust my lonely?


Thank you in advance for letting me post and vent here.......
It has been almost two months since I asked my AH to leave our home. He has struggled with alcoholism for over 20 years. We have been married for 14 years and have four wonderful children (12, 11, 9 and 7). He has always been a high functioning alcoholic - very successful career, no arrests, DUIs, even had a stint of 2 years and 9 months of sobriety before the continuous binge drinking relapses in the last two years (8). Now the kids have seen it too many times, know that their Dad is sick and the last relapse included drinking and driving with my son (9) in the car. I am a stay at home mother trying to manage the kids and their very busy schedules, the house, all the meals, trying to be amicable with allowing him to see the children on a regular basis (with a breathalyzer test before each visit as well as random drug and alcohol testing by a professional). He is attending regular AA meetings (daily if not more than once a day) and regular step work with his sponsor. I have gone to 4 Alanon meetings and started reading the Codependent No More book. I have come to the startling conclusion that I have become sick and invisible trying to make him well. Trying to control the chaos, trying to hold the family together, protect the kids, make sure he doesn’t lose his job, or kill anyone in the process of his disease. I am struggling with loneliness and have really begun to isolate myself even more than before. Of course I get everything done that needs to be done for the kids - laundry, groceries, meals, volunteering, car pooling, but I don’t leave the house unless it is absolutely necessary. I have heard a song on the radio a lot lately that says “trust my lonely” and I need to do that!! I am lonely because I am taking a stand and saying I will not live with active alcoholism in my life or my kids lives any more. I will no longer fight a disease I cannot win against. I am struggling with step 1 but ty to do my best “one day at a time”.
Thank you to all that post here - you stories, strength and vulnerability with sharing gives me strength and makes me feel less alone and crazy.
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Old 03-16-2019, 03:01 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Yes, my experience is when the healthy gut instinct is saying to trust your lonely, it's good to listen. Keep healthy connections. These can look different during different phases of life.
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Old 03-16-2019, 03:21 PM   #3 (permalink)
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SorNS…...I was a single mother of three small children, after I divorced their father. After 6yrs., I did remarry. I have a couple of thoughts to share with you...
First, as a practical matter--you may need to do an inventory of your schedule, and distribution of your responsibilities and time. You may need to do a complete evaluation of what your "new" priorities are...what is most important, and how you spend your time....This might take you outside of your comfort zone, a bit...but that is natural, because most people resist change...but, change can be a good thing, when it makes our lives better.....
If you are like the typical "good mom"....you probably run yourself ragged attending to everything and put yourself and your happiness and pleasure as last thing on the list....
For example...I gave my kids a lot of responsibility in running the home...and they can do a lot. I had a list of their chores on the fridge, along with mine. I found that the more they contributed, the more they respected the home. The mother is more than a household servant to the kids...a home is a collective effort....and, th earlier they are given reasonable and fair responsibility...the better it goes....Kids feel important when they know that they contribute value. It really prepares them for life, later....
I suggest to find every way you can to trim the edges of all the tasks that you may be doing....find ways to cut down on the driving, where you can...share with other parents, when possible....If your kids are over scheduled...or, it has overscheduled you...cut back on some of their activities...one or two for each kid may be enough. And, I found that the mother does not have to attend every game and event that the kids have...actually, mine were just as happy to not have me there...lol. In fact, what I did, was to increase the fun times between me and the kids....going to the zoo, together, going on hikes, together, going out to eat, together...having special times, together.
I will say that, as a single mother with 3 children, and a responsible job...I had more fun, and more connection with other people, than I ever had while married. I managed to do more things for myself...and, yes, I had plenty of dating and intimate time. (I never did live with a man, until I married, again). My kids came to understand that mom had a personal life....but, the home and family belonged to "Us".....

for you, two months Is still early days, and, naturally, you are probably grieving, to some extent....and there is still a lot of adjustment to happen....
But, in time, you will create a new normal and make changes in your priorities and life style....
I get that you are lonely, right now...but, you won't have to be forever....there is a lot of fun and companionship, if you are really engaged in living.....
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Old 03-16-2019, 09:34 PM   #4 (permalink)
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You are never truly alone, because you have us and the recovery community. Be gentle with yourself! It's a big change. You will feel many feelings. feel them, and let them go. definitely trust your gut. You're going to be ok!
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Old 03-17-2019, 02:40 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I left my XAH last May and definatly in a much different space now than back then. I was just going through the motions early on. I hope you have a support system because that is what helped me get through my bad days . Hang in there, it will get better but take time out for you.
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