I think my ex is drinking again... why can’t I let go of the worrying
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Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 7
I think my ex is drinking again... why can’t I let go of the worrying
So a little back story... my ex and I started dating in 2013. At that time he was drinking often. I didn’t like it but I over looked it in the beginning. After about a 1 year and a half we were fighting and really struggling. I knew that alcohol was a big factor. We broke up for about 2 months. When we got back together things got worse very quickly. After about 4 months he called me from work saying he was vomiting blood... they found he has cirrhosis and varices that had ruptured. At that point he stopped drinking and hasn’t been drinking since then (I think). But he started vaping weed daily. I started noticing a change about 4 months ago and finally about 2 months ago we broke up. I don’t know if he started drinking again while we were together but I feel sure he is drinking now. He posts things on social media and has “liked” several local bars. I cry because I feel so worried about his health but I think he could care less. He comes from a family of alcoholics so I know there isn’t a sober support system for him. I have never been a big drinker and really didn’t know the signs... so I know I missed them. I wish I could let go of the worry... especially since it’s seems I care more then he does.
I would love any advise or words of wisdom.
I would love any advise or words of wisdom.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Alanon is a great suggestion. If you are done with this relationship, then you need to cut off all contact, including reading his social media. It does nothing but keep you wondering and upset.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi NewSeason4,
Welcome to SR! With our own active recovery from the effects of this 'family disease of alcoholism' life does amazingly get much better.
Have you been to Alanon, Celebrate Recovery or any addiction recovery program s for friends and family members?
Welcome to SR! With our own active recovery from the effects of this 'family disease of alcoholism' life does amazingly get much better.
Have you been to Alanon, Celebrate Recovery or any addiction recovery program s for friends and family members?
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
I agree that Al-anon would be very helpful to you, so you can learn to focus on yourself and your well being.
An alcoholic does what alcoholics do.
Cutting all contact will help you gain peace of mind. Glad you posted and shared your thoughts.
An alcoholic does what alcoholics do.
Cutting all contact will help you gain peace of mind. Glad you posted and shared your thoughts.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 7
Thanks for the suggestion. I’ll definitely look into Alanon. I have started therapy to deal with my own issues (codependency) and I have stopped contacting him. However he reaches out still telling me he loves me and misses me... I think it’s usually when he’s drunk. I know I need to cut off the social media connection as well. I just keep worrying about the day when he has another bleeding episode. I guess that’s not my concern anymore.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by NewSeason4 
I just keep worrying about ....
You don't need to have come to any resolution about being or not being in contact. In fact, you'd likely make a more solid and rewarding plan for yourself if you make relationship changing decisions with the guidance of a program, including a sponsor and community of friends who are also in recovery. In AlAnon, nobody tells you what to do, nobody judges you for staying with or leaving an alcoholic. AlAnon is about learning to listen to your own inner voice, your own Spirit - which many of us have lost connection with and that's how we came to be involved in difficulties with alcoholics to begin with. You don't have to make life changing decisions in order to start feeling better, you just have to make the decision that you are committed to feeling better. AlAnon is something you can do today about The Worry. Start with that part of things and let the big decisions wait until you gather more information and experience. This program is guidance that will serve you as your plans slowly unfold.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi NewSeason4,
Visiting several Al-Anon groups can be beneficial. After a while it'll be easy to choose one as a 'home group'. Kind of like a new home base to explore life from.
Through Al-Anon I get to practice the art of listening to my healthy inner voice. Today that is in being at a certain home group for a while, then realizing either it or I have changed and it's healthier for me to participate with other groups.
The place I consider my home group has changed. I'm becoming aware of new growth, positivity and skills in dealing with difficult situations in myself and other Al-Anon friends who've attended many different meetings in our community, and still do.
I drive a long way to attend meetings at a kind of "nearby" city because of the great recovery going on there.
Visiting several Al-Anon groups can be beneficial. After a while it'll be easy to choose one as a 'home group'. Kind of like a new home base to explore life from.
Through Al-Anon I get to practice the art of listening to my healthy inner voice. Today that is in being at a certain home group for a while, then realizing either it or I have changed and it's healthier for me to participate with other groups.
The place I consider my home group has changed. I'm becoming aware of new growth, positivity and skills in dealing with difficult situations in myself and other Al-Anon friends who've attended many different meetings in our community, and still do.
I drive a long way to attend meetings at a kind of "nearby" city because of the great recovery going on there.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
Alcoholics aren't very good at sound sane thinking. At least I never was and I don't know any who were (or are). He may very well love you, but he'll never be able to actually do anything about it in any meaningful way until he decides to get help and stay sober. Your choices are let go or be dragged. Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Midwest
Posts: 158
Two months after a breakup is not that long of a time. Sounds like you are not over the break up which is understandable. I would go not contact, remove all his social media accounts and number. Doing that helped me a great deal.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by NewSeason4
I cry because I feel so worried about his health but I think he could care less.
I remember the advice to turn my loved one over to his higher power. In the case of my alcoholic ex, it was the ocean - he was an avid surfer and water spirit and the sea for him was a sacred place.
I found it quite liberating to sit by the ocean and let go of the burden. Sometimes we just have to admit our powerlessness. I hope you too can find peace!
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by NewSeason4
I have started therapy to deal with my own issues (codependency)
its treatable and al anon is awesome at helping treat it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by NewSeason4
However he reaches out still telling me he loves me and misses me... I think it’s usually when he’s drunk
block him and start living in YOUR solution or dont block him and stay in YOUR problem
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear NewSeason
I am into year 6 post breakup, and in my recovery plan.
I echo everyone else here, and wish to add that if you follow a recovery program, things WILL get better.
"Worry is the drink of choice" is a profound statement I haven't heard before and it is SO true. Worry can drive us to do some very foolish things, including major life changes. Some of us even get "hoovered" back into these relationships because of it.
BlownOne rightly posted that your ex can "never be able to actually do anything about it (love) in any meaningful way until he decides to get help and stay sober." It is important to not use this as a bargaining chip to work your own program. One of the stages of grief is to bargain. You work your program for YOU.
I am into year 6 post breakup, and in my recovery plan.
I echo everyone else here, and wish to add that if you follow a recovery program, things WILL get better.
"Worry is the drink of choice" is a profound statement I haven't heard before and it is SO true. Worry can drive us to do some very foolish things, including major life changes. Some of us even get "hoovered" back into these relationships because of it.
BlownOne rightly posted that your ex can "never be able to actually do anything about it (love) in any meaningful way until he decides to get help and stay sober." It is important to not use this as a bargaining chip to work your own program. One of the stages of grief is to bargain. You work your program for YOU.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
why can’t I let go of the worrying?
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