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Old 03-14-2019, 07:20 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Wow!!!! I don't get it!??


Quick story to give you the background... We were visiting relatives who just retired to Florida. My 75 year old father was drinking all day nothing new there, My husband drinking alongside him was also very drunk. That in itself annoyed the h*** out of me so I gave him a little bit of a hard time because deep down inside I didn't want to be embarrassed at our relative's house in case the AH wound up throwing up in their beautiful new home. As I confronted my AH, my own father told me to "shut the f%$# up". I absolutley did not ever expect that. Stopped me dead in my tracks. My knee jerk reaction was a very loud, form " F&%$ YOU!" to both of them, and I proceeded to bed....a week later, back to our home, my AH was out on a weeknight, participated in an open mic jam, apparently he was done and went to leave.....needles to say, he was DRUNK and drove about 10 miles home. I confronted him about the drunk driving and reminded him of his promise to never drive drunk. Few days later, I texted him during the day telling AH we needed to talk...he replied by calling me a "F$%&^ PIG"!!! because he did not like that I told my father "F%$& you". He has told our friends that he's in the doghouse..., he promised. He's been downright very mean.... i'm indifferent now

Last edited by Loveblue; 03-14-2019 at 07:23 PM. Reason: Adding info
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Old 03-14-2019, 07:26 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Sounds like there are more problems in the family than alcohol. Lots of pent up anger, sounds to me like. He didn't call you that name for something that happened almost two weeks prior.

What exactly is it that you don't get?
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Old 03-14-2019, 08:45 PM   #3 (permalink)
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You interrupt alcoholics at your peril. He's seen your father step over the red line to abuse, and now he's started he probably won't step back.

If your father can drink until he's old, and doesn't tolerate interference, why can't he?

He's too fuddled to see the consequence of taking this attitude. You may not react the same way as your mother to abuse and alcoholism.
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Old 03-14-2019, 10:20 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Hi Loveblue. I had a look at some of your older posts, going to back to June of 2015. The situation then is the situation now, so nothing has changed at all. He is still drinking a ton and you are still appalled by his behaviour.

Back then you were shocked at his behaviour. Is it possible that this goes on all the time and has for years and just that every once in a while you get out of the fog and go, hang on, what AM I DOING HERE! Why do I put up with this horrible behaviour, why do I allow him to treat me like this?

I'm just guessing of course.

My suggestion would be to get to an Al-Anon meeting if you don't go already. Also, have you read the book, Codependent no more (Melody Beattie)? If not you might want to pick up a copy, its recommended a lot around here. Even if you don't feel the label applies to you, it has lots of good information.

Keep posting here. I notice you don't post very often but it can be really helpful to get regular feedback and to vent!
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Old 03-14-2019, 10:27 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Just wanted to add, you might want to look at MindfulMan's post in this thread:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post7144499 (Addict Selfishness)

I think he explains all this very well.
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Old 03-15-2019, 12:49 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Hi Loveblue. I had a look at some of your older posts, going to back to June of 2015. The situation then is the situation now, so nothing has changed at all. He is still drinking a ton and you are still appalled by his behaviour.

Back then you were shocked at his behaviour. Is it possible that this goes on all the time and has for years and just that every once in a while you get out of the fog and go, hang on, what AM I DOING HERE! Why do I put up with this horrible behaviour, why do I allow him to treat me like this?

I'm just guessing of course.

My suggestion would be to get to an Al-Anon meeting if you don't go already. Also, have you read the book, Codependent no more (Melody Beattie)? If not you might want to pick up a copy, its recommended a lot around here. Even if you don't feel the label applies to you, it has lots of good information.

Keep posting here. I notice you don't post very often but it can be really helpful to get regular feedback and to vent!
this was exactly me so this was good to read. 3 years of tolerance with the occasional realisation of what I was putting up with. But as his behaviour worsened my realisation periods became more frequent. Heís out now for good but I am still grieving for my relationship...the relief hasnít hit yet but I am hoping it will.
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Old 03-15-2019, 03:06 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Hello loveblue,

I'm sorry to read you've had some unpleasant times lately with your father and your husband.

What do you want to see happen? What would make this a better situation for you? Is it the drinking? The fact that they can both become embarrassing in public? The bouts of disrespect? These are certainly all things worth being unhappy about.

I wish I could tell you some way to make them change, but unfortunately, none of us have the magic words for you to say that will change their behavior. They won't stop unless and until they decide they need to stop.

How do you want your life to look?
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Old 03-15-2019, 03:57 AM   #8 (permalink)
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In one of his many failed attempts to get his recovery off the ground we went to our family doc to discuss openly. she said eventually the alcohol would turn him mean...that it is a physiological response to the alcoholism. I didnt, honestly, believe it. mine was the mushy drunk after all. sentimental and emotional. all smiles. Eventually that did happen, that amazing doctor was right. Whether it happens to every alcoholic I cant say. But it certainly does seem like just a matter of time. And it also seems once the verbally abusive cat is out of the bag it never fully is the same. For us, because we remember the things they said. For them, because they never stop escalating, even if it's a slow ride.
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Old 03-15-2019, 02:52 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
Sounds like there are more problems in the family than alcohol. Lots of pent up anger, sounds to me like. He didn't call you that name for something that happened almost two weeks prior.

What exactly is it that you don't get?
I am, 100%, a child who grew up in an alcoholic home. Lost family members to alcohol, in horrific ways. Yes, i'm broken. I'm a tough cookie, but I am carrying anger.
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Old 03-15-2019, 03:01 PM   #10 (permalink)
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this was exactly me so this was good to read. 3 years of tolerance with the occasional realisation of what I was putting up with. But as his behaviour worsened my realisation periods became more frequent. Heís out now for good but I am still grieving for my relationship...the relief hasnít hit yet but I am hoping it will.
I know this may sound crazy, but he heard made a huge effort to curb the drinking, we were doing well....I think this time, the realization that the past few years have been a lie. He sneaks more than what I knew. Started "brushing his teeth" right before i got home from work...smeared toothpaste and a slopped up sink counter gave it away. But the name calling, that's a really tough one to come back from for me. I'm one of the most mellow and accepting humans you will meet....except for this crap. I know deep in my heart, this is not the life I want for myself. I want a husband who wants to do stuff with me that does not involve or revolve around getting drunk. He has admitted he likes to drink and all actions point to him not stopping for anything or anyone.
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Old 03-15-2019, 03:54 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Loveblue….the following is a link to a photo of a brain scan which should answer a lot of your questions about the behavioral changes.

https://www.bing.com/images/search?v...vt=0&eim=1,2,6


**The dark spaces in the brain on the right, shows the amount of lost brain tissue
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Old 03-15-2019, 05:42 PM   #12 (permalink)
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i see you've been here since 2015.....and the problem drinker is still at the center of everything. years of living with active addiction just tears a person down.....we only have so much to give, so much love and acceptance to offer to another, without getting anything in return.

you DO deserve a healthy partner who is invested in you and the relationship. we all do. however if we find ourselves with an unhealthy partner who is invested in one mission - drinking for life - we aren't gonna GET that.

to the best you can, try to detach and distance yourself from his brand of crazy. get as much support as you can. consider a plan to make changes........that likely means a change to the marriage....possibly living apart. imagine the freedom of that.
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Old 03-15-2019, 07:39 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Sorry, it's a progressive disease and, unless he wants recovery, will continue to drink. Have you considered Alanon? It was a lifesaver for me.
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Old 03-15-2019, 09:33 PM   #14 (permalink)
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You interrupt alcoholics at your peril. He's seen your father step over the red line to abuse, and now he's started he probably won't step back.

If your father can drink until he's old, and doesn't tolerate interference, why can't he?

He's too fuddled to see the consequence of taking this attitude. You may not react the same way as your mother to abuse and alcoholism.
I appreciate your comment, a complete eye opener in a way I didn't even think about.
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Old 03-15-2019, 10:18 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I know this may sound crazy, but he heard made a huge effort to curb the drinking, we were doing well....I think this time, the realization that the past few years have been a lie. He sneaks more than what I knew. Started "brushing his teeth" right before i got home from work...smeared toothpaste and a slopped up sink counter gave it away. But the name calling, that's a really tough one to come back from for me. I'm one of the most mellow and accepting humans you will meet....except for this crap. I know deep in my heart, this is not the life I want for myself. I want a husband who wants to do stuff with me that does not involve or revolve around getting drunk. He has admitted he likes to drink and all actions point to him not stopping for anything or anyone.
Get out while you can before the rot sets in and it becomes harder and harder to get out.
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Old 03-16-2019, 07:17 PM   #16 (permalink)
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You interrupt alcoholics at your peril. He's seen your father step over the red line to abuse, and now he's started he probably won't step back.

If your father can drink until he's old, and doesn't tolerate interference, why can't he?

He's too fuddled to see the consequence of taking this attitude. You may not react the same way as your mother to abuse and alcoholism.
Wow, I didn't even think to look at it from this point of view. This is another eye opener for me.
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Old 03-16-2019, 07:19 PM   #17 (permalink)
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In one of his many failed attempts to get his recovery off the ground we went to our family doc to discuss openly. she said eventually the alcohol would turn him mean...that it is a physiological response to the alcoholism. I didnt, honestly, believe it. mine was the mushy drunk after all. sentimental and emotional. all smiles. Eventually that did happen, that amazing doctor was right. Whether it happens to every alcoholic I cant say. But it certainly does seem like just a matter of time. And it also seems once the verbally abusive cat is out of the bag it never fully is the same. For us, because we remember the things they said. For them, because they never stop escalating, even if it's a slow ride.
this is a slow ride, but I see it unfolding, little by little. I just feel so broken.
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Old 03-16-2019, 08:44 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Sorry, it's a progressive disease and, unless he wants recovery, will continue to drink. Have you considered Alanon? It was a lifesaver for me.
I did go to al-anon i could not stop crying
i was going to try the phone call option. Have you ever done that?
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