Scratching my head.......
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 25
Scratching my head.......
Hello friends, I need some advice. How can you make an alcoholic understand that the reason we can't have a future together is because he can't maintain sobriety, yet he says that if he lived with me he wouldn't have this problem? He just doesn't understand that the reason I refuse to fully commit is because he refuses to take accountability for his problem. He accuses me of trying to keep him a secret in my life, and that is making him fall off the wagon....
I'm not so naive as to not see the manipulation here, but I need help with this. Every conversation descends into a fight with us arguing in circles.
He has been in a sober living facility, but has fallen off the wagon multiple times, and my guess is that he will be thrown out soon.I've already told him if that happens he is on his own. He is awaiting trial for DUI, so could easily go back to jail if he doesn't get his life straight.
The difficult thing is we have these fights, and then the next day he acts like nothing happened. I'm going crazy here.
I'm not so naive as to not see the manipulation here, but I need help with this. Every conversation descends into a fight with us arguing in circles.
He has been in a sober living facility, but has fallen off the wagon multiple times, and my guess is that he will be thrown out soon.I've already told him if that happens he is on his own. He is awaiting trial for DUI, so could easily go back to jail if he doesn't get his life straight.
The difficult thing is we have these fights, and then the next day he acts like nothing happened. I'm going crazy here.
It's not your job to convince him really.
You have a boundary, you do not want to live with an alcoholic. He is an alcoholic, therefore you will not live with him.
He can twist it and turn it and make it seem unreasonable and even stupid. He may even think it's backward thinking and you are throwing him under the alcoholic bus.
That does not matter one bit, not at all, zero, zilch.
You do not have to JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain.
He is certainly entitled to his opinion, just doesn't have to affect your boundary. He either accepts it or he doesn't, that's out of your control.
You have a boundary, you do not want to live with an alcoholic. He is an alcoholic, therefore you will not live with him.
He can twist it and turn it and make it seem unreasonable and even stupid. He may even think it's backward thinking and you are throwing him under the alcoholic bus.
That does not matter one bit, not at all, zero, zilch.
You do not have to JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain.
He is certainly entitled to his opinion, just doesn't have to affect your boundary. He either accepts it or he doesn't, that's out of your control.
He probably knows the truth. Denial is quite handy, when you do not want to change.
I would suggest reading Melody Beatty- codependent no more. it gave me courage and clarity, when dealing with an alcoholic and his manipulations.
good luck to you. take care of you.
I would suggest reading Melody Beatty- codependent no more. it gave me courage and clarity, when dealing with an alcoholic and his manipulations.
good luck to you. take care of you.
if you want to leave, then leave. you do not need to justify or defend your decision. no one does. that he does not choose to "understand" and continues to blame you is HIS problem. not yours. you can stop trying to get him to understand. he chooses not to.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
You cannot make an alcoholic understand anything. They will take what the want from your earnest conversation and interpret it the way it best suits them. There is no reasoning, appealing to logic, they may agree with you but will tell you a day later that you never told them that and this is the first time they heard of it. Do not waste your time or breath, do whatever you need to do for yourself, you do not need their approval.
Hello friends, I need some advice. How can you make an alcoholic understand that the reason we can't have a future together is because he can't maintain sobriety,
I'm not so naive as to not see the manipulation here, but I need help with this. Every conversation descends into a fight with us arguing in circles.
The difficult thing is we have these fights, and then the next day he acts like nothing happened. I'm going crazy here.
It’s pretty easy for us to spot what their issues are, drinking, DUI’s, job loss, etc. but what’s not so easy to spot is our own issues and taking a realistic look at our own behaviors when mixing with alcoholic. Why do we allow ourselves to be manipulated? Why do we feel we can’t end a relationship? What is the fear all about that comes with doing that?
How can you make an alcoholic understand that the reason we can't have a future together is because he can't maintain sobriety, yet he says that if he lived with me he wouldn't have this problem?
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