XAH- sober but it’s all still my fault
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
XAH- sober but it’s all still my fault
Hi everybody. Reading your posts is an immense help and I don’t think there’s anyone in my life who really understands what’s going on.
I left my ex in October in the days between when he was released from the hospital after catastrophic liver failure and when he went into rehab. He’s been out for 2 1/2 months and is still not drinking. We came to an agreement for the divorce and I got my judgment last week, although it doesn’t go into effect for a few more months because of the waiting period in my state. I agreed to him getting 48 hours of our young child a week since it seemed like that is what he would have gotten if I fought it and I wanted a court order for as much custody as I could get as quickly as possible.
He’s been trying to get me back and I have been very consistent that I’m not interested. He has decided that the divorce is my fault because according to him I never told him I was going to leave him before I did it. Apparently the many times I told him to stop the conduct that was emotionally abusive and controlling didn’t count, because it didn’t come with “or I will divorce you” at the end of the sentence. It’s a crock of **** on so many levels – does what I need only matter if it’s attached to a consequence for him? Am I supposed to expect the person who is willing to treat me like trash won’t punish me for threatening to divorce him? Was I required to give him another opportunity to destroy me after I had come to the decision that I couldn’t take anymore of his conduct and found the strength to save myself? But to his mind since he stopped drinking it right when I told him I was done he is entitled to a chance to make it right. As if I would ever let him touch me again, after the last night in our house still drunk and bleeding and shitting everywhere well his body gave out, after coming home with our kidto him passed out in a pool of blood with an empty bottle of vodka next to him.
Yesterday was his birthday and I knew he would punish me if I didn’t say something so I texted him happy birthday, which set off texts from him about how he hoped I was happy so that only one life would be destroyed by my decision instead of two. And today when he was picking up our daughter and she didn’t want to go with him ( shocking, since I did absolutely everything for her while he laid on the floor and watch TV and got drunk that she prefers my company.) he is complaining that it’s not fair that she doesn’t want to go with him, and starts and on again now he doesn’t want any of this. I told him he is not entitled to any particular emotional reaction from our daughter, and there’s nothing unfair about it. And that he needs to stop with this crap about it being my fault, that he’s the only person in the world who would think that. And he goes on and on about how unfair it is I didn’t give him more chances. And I lost it. I said some very mean things that involves many F bombs. The kid was strapped into his car with the door shut at that point but she was still there. The last thing I said was get the F out of my house.
I don’t hate him 100% but most of the time I do. And I feel so, so guilty for being such a jerk in front of our kid. And he’s texting me afterwards about how he’s only trying to be cordial and can’t understand why this person he’s never seen before keeps showing up and flipping out. He staying in a sober living environment that requires him to go to AA meetings. How can you sit there every day and hear the stuff, and not drink, and still blame me for everything? I was really hoping that being in a program would help him come to terms with the fact that he is reaping what he has sown. But instead it’s all my fault all the time, and he drove me to the point of acting like a jerk in front of my kid, who now I won’t see for 48 hours.
I know I’m a good mom, and I know he is the *******, and I know I can’t make him ever believe that I have the right to take care of myself. But this shreds me.
I have an appointment to go to the partners meeting that the rehab he went to puts on every other week, so maybe that will make me feel better. But unless he dies I have to put up with him for years and years and I am so tired of being the bad guy after I was kicked in the face, figuratively at least, through the entire course of our marriage.
I left my ex in October in the days between when he was released from the hospital after catastrophic liver failure and when he went into rehab. He’s been out for 2 1/2 months and is still not drinking. We came to an agreement for the divorce and I got my judgment last week, although it doesn’t go into effect for a few more months because of the waiting period in my state. I agreed to him getting 48 hours of our young child a week since it seemed like that is what he would have gotten if I fought it and I wanted a court order for as much custody as I could get as quickly as possible.
He’s been trying to get me back and I have been very consistent that I’m not interested. He has decided that the divorce is my fault because according to him I never told him I was going to leave him before I did it. Apparently the many times I told him to stop the conduct that was emotionally abusive and controlling didn’t count, because it didn’t come with “or I will divorce you” at the end of the sentence. It’s a crock of **** on so many levels – does what I need only matter if it’s attached to a consequence for him? Am I supposed to expect the person who is willing to treat me like trash won’t punish me for threatening to divorce him? Was I required to give him another opportunity to destroy me after I had come to the decision that I couldn’t take anymore of his conduct and found the strength to save myself? But to his mind since he stopped drinking it right when I told him I was done he is entitled to a chance to make it right. As if I would ever let him touch me again, after the last night in our house still drunk and bleeding and shitting everywhere well his body gave out, after coming home with our kidto him passed out in a pool of blood with an empty bottle of vodka next to him.
Yesterday was his birthday and I knew he would punish me if I didn’t say something so I texted him happy birthday, which set off texts from him about how he hoped I was happy so that only one life would be destroyed by my decision instead of two. And today when he was picking up our daughter and she didn’t want to go with him ( shocking, since I did absolutely everything for her while he laid on the floor and watch TV and got drunk that she prefers my company.) he is complaining that it’s not fair that she doesn’t want to go with him, and starts and on again now he doesn’t want any of this. I told him he is not entitled to any particular emotional reaction from our daughter, and there’s nothing unfair about it. And that he needs to stop with this crap about it being my fault, that he’s the only person in the world who would think that. And he goes on and on about how unfair it is I didn’t give him more chances. And I lost it. I said some very mean things that involves many F bombs. The kid was strapped into his car with the door shut at that point but she was still there. The last thing I said was get the F out of my house.
I don’t hate him 100% but most of the time I do. And I feel so, so guilty for being such a jerk in front of our kid. And he’s texting me afterwards about how he’s only trying to be cordial and can’t understand why this person he’s never seen before keeps showing up and flipping out. He staying in a sober living environment that requires him to go to AA meetings. How can you sit there every day and hear the stuff, and not drink, and still blame me for everything? I was really hoping that being in a program would help him come to terms with the fact that he is reaping what he has sown. But instead it’s all my fault all the time, and he drove me to the point of acting like a jerk in front of my kid, who now I won’t see for 48 hours.
I know I’m a good mom, and I know he is the *******, and I know I can’t make him ever believe that I have the right to take care of myself. But this shreds me.
I have an appointment to go to the partners meeting that the rehab he went to puts on every other week, so maybe that will make me feel better. But unless he dies I have to put up with him for years and years and I am so tired of being the bad guy after I was kicked in the face, figuratively at least, through the entire course of our marriage.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,868
How about limiting texts, etc. to issues regarding your mutual child. You do not have to respond when he goes on a texting binge. You are just allowing him to draw you back into chaos. He's not going to be sensible about this, so you are going to have to be the one to limit contact.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
I know. I didn’t respond to the texts yesterday. I never do when it’s not about her. I suppose the answer is just to stand there and listen to him tell me how much I suck while he’s picking up our daughter but I haven’t gotten past my anger to the point I can just smile while he calls me crazy. What I really want is to pluck out his eyeballs and I understand I can’t do that. I am just not there yet. Although I realize I am the one who pays for the fact I engage.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
Digging for fire, sorry for what you are going through but as you already know, you can never reason with an alcoholic. Their brains are not wired the way ours are, the alcohol has done too much damage and their sense of entitlement and self centredness knows no bounds. You have to stop letting him get to you and and protect your emotional health. You have done the right thing to put distance between you, now make it more permanent. Get off his crazy train, refuse to be sucked in.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
DiggingforFire…...I admit, that I did actually burst out in a laugh, when I read that he felt that you were to blame for the divorce....because you didn't properly notify him that you were leaving his behind...after living in years of hell. How could you violate such protocol?! Procedure is procedure.
I am sorry...because it is no laughing matter.....
I sooooo get your anger.
Usually, for those who are mourning the loss of a relationship...I strongly suggest the wailing wall exercise....for the pain, sadness, anger, confusion, etc.....
But, this time, I suggest it for you...for release of your anger...…
One selects an isolated, private place...like the edge of the woods, or the beach, or a cliff.or an empty parking lot.....
And, then picture the object of you anger, in front of you....
Tell this person...every thought that comes into your mind....about them.....Say, scream, shout, explain, cry, threaten, anything. Do it until you are exhausted...until you can't scream or cry anymore....and your make-up and snot is running down your face....
Do that as often as you need to....
If the car door was closed, your daughter likely didn't hear what you were saying....
You can't turn back time...….but, only one time is not likely to scar her....forgive yourself and call it a lesson learned.....
When he comes to pick up your daughter.....I would wear ear phones (make it obvious)…..and have a notepad nearby.....if he begins to describe how you suck---just point to your earphones....if he persists....write on the notepad for him to see,....."My ears are broken. send it in an email".
lol...that is much better than just standing there and smiling......
I am sorry...because it is no laughing matter.....
I sooooo get your anger.
Usually, for those who are mourning the loss of a relationship...I strongly suggest the wailing wall exercise....for the pain, sadness, anger, confusion, etc.....
But, this time, I suggest it for you...for release of your anger...…
One selects an isolated, private place...like the edge of the woods, or the beach, or a cliff.or an empty parking lot.....
And, then picture the object of you anger, in front of you....
Tell this person...every thought that comes into your mind....about them.....Say, scream, shout, explain, cry, threaten, anything. Do it until you are exhausted...until you can't scream or cry anymore....and your make-up and snot is running down your face....
Do that as often as you need to....
If the car door was closed, your daughter likely didn't hear what you were saying....
You can't turn back time...….but, only one time is not likely to scar her....forgive yourself and call it a lesson learned.....
When he comes to pick up your daughter.....I would wear ear phones (make it obvious)…..and have a notepad nearby.....if he begins to describe how you suck---just point to your earphones....if he persists....write on the notepad for him to see,....."My ears are broken. send it in an email".
lol...that is much better than just standing there and smiling......
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
Thank you for laughing! It seems preposterous to me too but he seems to honestly believe it.
The kid was ready, but she didn’t want to go so I was trying to coax her out the door.
Yeah, headphones. Or I will try to just smile big at every insult and say, ok! Yes, all my fault, see you next week!
The kid was ready, but she didn’t want to go so I was trying to coax her out the door.
Yeah, headphones. Or I will try to just smile big at every insult and say, ok! Yes, all my fault, see you next week!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
I went through a time when I wished he would die so the problem would go away. But then I realised I was having a victim mentality. If he did, then my issues of why I have put up with things the way they are would follow me into the next relationship...and the next, as they did when I entered this one. Focus on you, not him. He has abandonment issues and no amount of texting back will stop. Don't engage beyond logistical arrangements. Take back you power with a calm, loving detachment.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 415
Oh yes the beloved blame game which my sober soon to be ex AH is still practicing. We are a little over a month in the four month waiting period for divorce. He is buying my out of the house and we have been able to divide things up. But he blames me for everything, I wouldn’t go see a counselor, nor go to couples AA, or this couples retreat he wanted me to go to, nor his church.
And the reason why? Because I am done, done with the hurt, manipulation, gas lighting, blame, insults.
I helped him out by showing him to balance his check book, pay his bills online, refinance the truck in his name... basically walked him through life 101. I have spent a lot of time working on him even after the insults, and manipulation. But yes it took a long time for me to get to this place.
You will reach a point, as I have that it no longer bothers you. Yes I went through times that I hated myself for letting him get to me, and to get me reacting to him in the manner I did.
I am able to live my life and no longer care what he thinks or says to my stepchildren about what’s going on. I know my truth, and that’s what counts. Who cares if he thinks this is your fault. You are not going to change him. And yes find the humor!
I too chuckled at his “reasoning”. My AH hit me with some really f-d up thinking as well and all I can do is shake my head, chuckle and walk away.
Once I was done trying to change him and gave up trying to reason with him and simply told him I was divorcing him I started to get healthier and realized that’s what counts! My mental health. Because he is going to do what he is going to do and I have zero control over that.
Working the Alanon steps and journaling were instrumental in getting me to this place.
Hugs to you, it does get easier!
And the reason why? Because I am done, done with the hurt, manipulation, gas lighting, blame, insults.
I helped him out by showing him to balance his check book, pay his bills online, refinance the truck in his name... basically walked him through life 101. I have spent a lot of time working on him even after the insults, and manipulation. But yes it took a long time for me to get to this place.
You will reach a point, as I have that it no longer bothers you. Yes I went through times that I hated myself for letting him get to me, and to get me reacting to him in the manner I did.
I am able to live my life and no longer care what he thinks or says to my stepchildren about what’s going on. I know my truth, and that’s what counts. Who cares if he thinks this is your fault. You are not going to change him. And yes find the humor!
I too chuckled at his “reasoning”. My AH hit me with some really f-d up thinking as well and all I can do is shake my head, chuckle and walk away.
Once I was done trying to change him and gave up trying to reason with him and simply told him I was divorcing him I started to get healthier and realized that’s what counts! My mental health. Because he is going to do what he is going to do and I have zero control over that.
Working the Alanon steps and journaling were instrumental in getting me to this place.
Hugs to you, it does get easier!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
Thanks for the thoughts and support. I went to my first Al-Anon meeting today. It felt really good and supportive and I’m glad I went despite my reservations about how it might apply to me and how I am dealing with this whole situation. I spoke to some women who I connected with and I will definitely go back
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 415
That’s great that you went to Alanon! I can honestly say that it saved my life. I am so much happier and mentally healthy than ever.
I truly believe we have to go through what we do to get where we are going.
Hang in there and remember the serenity prayer:
“god grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
You are doing fine, keep working on you! Hugs and prayers of peace to you!
I truly believe we have to go through what we do to get where we are going.
Hang in there and remember the serenity prayer:
“god grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
You are doing fine, keep working on you! Hugs and prayers of peace to you!
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