RAH finds drunk people annoying
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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RAH finds drunk people annoying
I stopped at our local convenience store last night, my husband went in. I saw him inside, talking to an acquaintance he had drank with on a few occasions in the past. Knowing this acquaintance was an alcoholic, I watched to see how it would play out. A few minutes later, he got in the car.
He told me how annoying K was, slurring his speech, mumbling on about selling his boat, stumbling around, and that he just had to get away from him. I didn't say anything. Everything he said about being around a drunk, I obviously already knew.
I woke up this morning in tears. They haven't stopped all day. My RAH husband was annoyed with his ex-drinking buddies drunken behavior. He was able to chose not to be around him. He could just leave. We didn't get that option. For years we were around his destructive, annoying, hurtful drunken behavior.
Im really angry today! He was able to just walk away, out of sight, out of mind. It was just that easy for him. When he was drinking, we were not able to do that. It was a living hell. And I still cant just up and walk away from all the damage he did. Its been 14 months since he quit drinking, and Im STILL dealing with the damage he caused. Things are much better, but certainly not gone. I CANT just escape it, I don't have that luxury that he afforded himself. I cant hop in the car and drive away.
Its been a while since this deep hurt has popped up. Just a deep, primal hurt I cant even explain. It caught me by surprise. He knows something is wrong, I keep catching him staring at me, and he keeps trying to cheer me up. I don't know if Ill share this with him or not. It seems like Id just be beating a dead horse. He knows what he did. He's sober now, he tries to right his wrongs on a daily basis. But sometimes, there is no fixing the damage you have caused. Well, now Im just rambling, so I am off to force myself go for a walk along the river with my dog. She licks away tears. Gross, but sweet.
He told me how annoying K was, slurring his speech, mumbling on about selling his boat, stumbling around, and that he just had to get away from him. I didn't say anything. Everything he said about being around a drunk, I obviously already knew.
I woke up this morning in tears. They haven't stopped all day. My RAH husband was annoyed with his ex-drinking buddies drunken behavior. He was able to chose not to be around him. He could just leave. We didn't get that option. For years we were around his destructive, annoying, hurtful drunken behavior.
Im really angry today! He was able to just walk away, out of sight, out of mind. It was just that easy for him. When he was drinking, we were not able to do that. It was a living hell. And I still cant just up and walk away from all the damage he did. Its been 14 months since he quit drinking, and Im STILL dealing with the damage he caused. Things are much better, but certainly not gone. I CANT just escape it, I don't have that luxury that he afforded himself. I cant hop in the car and drive away.
Its been a while since this deep hurt has popped up. Just a deep, primal hurt I cant even explain. It caught me by surprise. He knows something is wrong, I keep catching him staring at me, and he keeps trying to cheer me up. I don't know if Ill share this with him or not. It seems like Id just be beating a dead horse. He knows what he did. He's sober now, he tries to right his wrongs on a daily basis. But sometimes, there is no fixing the damage you have caused. Well, now Im just rambling, so I am off to force myself go for a walk along the river with my dog. She licks away tears. Gross, but sweet.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Wamama…..you have a right to feel sad and angry at the hurt that you all suffered. Your feelings are real and they belong to you...…
I do think, that, sometimes and in some situations, the damage is too long and too much and too deep to be repaired...…
I like the rental RV idea that you talked about, in a post on someone else's thread...….
No, you are not ?just rambling"......stop putting yourself down!
And...just because things are "much better"....doesn't necessarily mean that they are better enough. Maybe, you have gotten used to accepting crumbs for so many years of your life, that it feels like you should be "grateful" and adjust to living off crumbs....?
Wamama….you are a good mother and have been a faithful and good wife...you have earned sooo much more than that, in this world...…!!
I do think, that, sometimes and in some situations, the damage is too long and too much and too deep to be repaired...…
I like the rental RV idea that you talked about, in a post on someone else's thread...….
No, you are not ?just rambling"......stop putting yourself down!
And...just because things are "much better"....doesn't necessarily mean that they are better enough. Maybe, you have gotten used to accepting crumbs for so many years of your life, that it feels like you should be "grateful" and adjust to living off crumbs....?
Wamama….you are a good mother and have been a faithful and good wife...you have earned sooo much more than that, in this world...…!!
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
Can you ever work through the anger and hurt that his past actions have caused?
Your feelings are what they are and feelings are never wrong. They're yours. I'm sure you intellectually understand that he can't correct or change the situation until time travel is invented. And you also know that there can never be enough remorse shown to make up for the hurt.
It doesn't help the feelings though, plus the feeling that even in sobriety the other shoe can always drop.
I hope you find a way to work through and process these feelings. I really do.
Your feelings are what they are and feelings are never wrong. They're yours. I'm sure you intellectually understand that he can't correct or change the situation until time travel is invented. And you also know that there can never be enough remorse shown to make up for the hurt.
It doesn't help the feelings though, plus the feeling that even in sobriety the other shoe can always drop.
I hope you find a way to work through and process these feelings. I really do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Wamama…..you have a right to feel sad and angry at the hurt that you all suffered. Your feelings are real and they belong to you...…
I do think, that, sometimes and in some situations, the damage is too long and too much and too deep to be repaired...…
I like the rental RV idea that you talked about, in a post on someone else's thread...….
No, you are not ?just rambling"......stop putting yourself down!
And...just because things are "much better"....doesn't necessarily mean that they are better enough. Maybe, you have gotten used to accepting crumbs for so many years of your life, that it feels like you should be "grateful" and adjust to living off crumbs....?
Wamama….you are a good mother and have been a faithful and good wife...you have earned sooo much more than that, in this world...…!!
I do think, that, sometimes and in some situations, the damage is too long and too much and too deep to be repaired...…
I like the rental RV idea that you talked about, in a post on someone else's thread...….
No, you are not ?just rambling"......stop putting yourself down!
And...just because things are "much better"....doesn't necessarily mean that they are better enough. Maybe, you have gotten used to accepting crumbs for so many years of your life, that it feels like you should be "grateful" and adjust to living off crumbs....?
Wamama….you are a good mother and have been a faithful and good wife...you have earned sooo much more than that, in this world...…!!
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Originally Posted by MindfulMan
Can you ever work through the anger and hurt that his past actions have caused?
Your feelings are what they are and feelings are never wrong. They're yours. I'm sure you intellectually understand that he can't correct or change the situation until time travel is invented. And you also know that there can never be enough remorse shown to make up for the hurt.
It doesn't help the feelings though, plus the feeling that even in sobriety the other shoe can always drop.
I hope you find a way to work through and process these feelings. I really do.
Your feelings are what they are and feelings are never wrong. They're yours. I'm sure you intellectually understand that he can't correct or change the situation until time travel is invented. And you also know that there can never be enough remorse shown to make up for the hurt.
It doesn't help the feelings though, plus the feeling that even in sobriety the other shoe can always drop.
I hope you find a way to work through and process these feelings. I really do.
I have always relied on my gut feelings, and being truly honest with myself, to make big decisions. Those two things have yet to steer me wrong. My gut feeling and self honesty tells me that yes, I can work through these feelings, and I can trust him again. I have already been able to let go of most of the anger.
The last thing I need to work out to be able to put this behind me, is forgiving him. It's obviously not something you can force to happen, and you can't talk yourself into it. It just has to happen. That is the one thing I don't know if I can do.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,631
All those horrible things happened and damaged this relationship in a huge way and damaged you as well (and him). That is an absolute fact.
The next step is questioning what you are going to do about it.
You can say, well that's done, he is making amends and heal yourself to the best of your ability.
Or you can say, I can never really look at him and not remember that hurt and purposeful destruction. This person almost drove me to the edge. I can never look at him the same. If that's true, then the relationship will never work for you.
Now even if THAT is true, doesn't mean you have to do anything about it. You can stay the course and from time to time you are going to feel the way you feel now. That all comes in to the decision too. Do you stay the course and allow yourself to be hurt a little bit more. It is an option, only you know if you can take that, if you want to volunteer.
Is there something holding you back, is there something in the back of your mind that you don't even want to acknowledge?
The next step is questioning what you are going to do about it.
You can say, well that's done, he is making amends and heal yourself to the best of your ability.
Or you can say, I can never really look at him and not remember that hurt and purposeful destruction. This person almost drove me to the edge. I can never look at him the same. If that's true, then the relationship will never work for you.
Now even if THAT is true, doesn't mean you have to do anything about it. You can stay the course and from time to time you are going to feel the way you feel now. That all comes in to the decision too. Do you stay the course and allow yourself to be hurt a little bit more. It is an option, only you know if you can take that, if you want to volunteer.
Is there something holding you back, is there something in the back of your mind that you don't even want to acknowledge?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Funny how things affect us isn't it? I hope that, although your reaction isn't pleasant for you, it will give you some insight into your state of mind, and maybe a direction for the future.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
When they are active alcoholics you are taking one day at a time, in survival mode. Now as things have calmed down with his sobriety all the painful,memories and events that were buried come to the fore, it’s your mind and body seeking healing for all the past wrongs, a reminder of what needs to be made right. Don’t bury them
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Location: NE Wisconsin USA
Posts: 6,223
Originally Posted by Wamama48
Well, now Im just rambling, so I am off to force myself go for a walk along the river with my dog. She licks away tears. Gross, but sweet.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Wamama, be gentle with yourself. I completely understand your reaction, it's damn exhausting what we have all gone through for years dealing with our addicts and it's frustrating when they seem to skate away from ever having to deal with the same crap they put us through. It's not fair. I get it.
I just want to say, just as I have said to you before, I continue to see you getting healthier, gaining your strength back. Just a few months ago I think you would have had a very different reaction to this situation. A more volatile, anxiety inducing reaction... but you didn't. You got upset, you identified why you were upset and you are allowing yourself to process those feelings. This is amazing growth and I for one am very proud of you.
Healing takes time, and it takes as long as it takes. I was very frustrated with the length of the process! Unlike you, I wasn't even living with my qualifier while I healed, so I can only imagine how much harder it is for you. Keep looking after you, it might not feel like it in the moment, but I can see you getting better, much better.
(dog slobber free) *Hugs*
I just want to say, just as I have said to you before, I continue to see you getting healthier, gaining your strength back. Just a few months ago I think you would have had a very different reaction to this situation. A more volatile, anxiety inducing reaction... but you didn't. You got upset, you identified why you were upset and you are allowing yourself to process those feelings. This is amazing growth and I for one am very proud of you.
Healing takes time, and it takes as long as it takes. I was very frustrated with the length of the process! Unlike you, I wasn't even living with my qualifier while I healed, so I can only imagine how much harder it is for you. Keep looking after you, it might not feel like it in the moment, but I can see you getting better, much better.
(dog slobber free) *Hugs*
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
Besides your RAH's hypocrisy and deflection I see where you are coming from. It's almost like you were expected to take and/or accept his behavior no questions ask yet now he gets to do what you wanted to do but had tolerate all those years.
I recently saw the alcoholic here trash an ex drinking/party buddy with a marital trouble & at least 3 trips to rehab, talked about him like a loser yet 20-30 years ago he was THE most successful of the bunch-money, career, house, marriage etc. Everyone thought he left that life especially with minimal contact for 20 years or so. It sounds like another case of 'not me' syndrome on his part.
A glass half full. At least the RAH doesn't seem to have room in his life for excessive alcohol/drinking. But that hypocrisy, yes all those years tolerating his poop.
I recently saw the alcoholic here trash an ex drinking/party buddy with a marital trouble & at least 3 trips to rehab, talked about him like a loser yet 20-30 years ago he was THE most successful of the bunch-money, career, house, marriage etc. Everyone thought he left that life especially with minimal contact for 20 years or so. It sounds like another case of 'not me' syndrome on his part.
A glass half full. At least the RAH doesn't seem to have room in his life for excessive alcohol/drinking. But that hypocrisy, yes all those years tolerating his poop.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It takes a LONG time to get through it. Resentments will also continue to creep up for a long time. Honor your own feelings is what I can say. If you try to deny them, or change them, it seems to only cause more damage. However with facing them will come eventual acceptance.
Big hugs friend!
Big hugs friend!
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