PerSe

I know, with as much certainty as is possible for this, that I need to leave this relationship. At this point I can keep reading “Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay”, a phenomenal book that really has helped me see how lifeless the relationship truly is, and I can keep reading the forum posts where I have moments of what feels like profound recognition of the toxicity that swirls within my family. But doing all this now only defers my focus from planning out the real action I need to take. I am awake now and I cannot let myself go back to sleep.

Other factors defer my focus too though, like consideration of the physical pain condition that H is dealing with (he has diagnosed arthritis and is on injectable medication plus valium for a separate pain condition, plus Tylenol 3, plus an anti-anxiety medication), and he has used this physical pain to justify drinking over the years. But how could I actually leave my husband of 20 years when he is dealing with so much physical pain? I deeply fear his reaction when we come to the point where I tell him we need to separate. He’s never been physically abusive, not even close. But I fear his reaction. I fear that if I did get a court order for him to leave the house he might become suicidal. I know I am not responsible for his reaction but I fear it deeply. Since I moved out of the bedroom 16 nights ago, he has only drank twice (a 6-pack one night, and a 6-pack and bottle of wine another night and oh it looks like he brought home another 6-pack for tonight, but probably more I’m just not seeing). For the last 5+ years, I have felt like I am the only thing standing between him and his drinking ludicrous amounts of alcohol like we used to do. If I had him ordered out of the house, I fear he would collapse in.

Navigating this fog is emotionally painful and difficult. I spoke with a family law attorney last week. He seemed to think that, based my description of H’s drinking, that I may be able to get full custody with scheduled visitation, no overnights. One of my biggest concerns and challenges would be in showing evidence for his drinking. I’ve started taking photos of the bottles, but I’m not sure if this would even be considered “evidence”. My word against his word.

Okay, well I’m kind of rambling on here. I am so scattered right now. Thank you for reading.

Maudcat

Hi, PerSe.
You are not rambling. No worries there.
We can't know what will happen when we decide to move forward.
The drinking could get worse, or, amazingly, the drinking could get better.
He could get really depressed, he could decide that he is sick and tired of being sick and tired, he could find religion, he could find another partner who is okay with his drinking.
Absurd as it all sounds, we just can't know.
Some things we do know. Relationships with addicts are folie a deux--shared madness.
We feel shame, we feel responsible, we feel that if we just find the right way, we can stay, we can make it work.
Bravery is when we finally say no, enough is enough, we can't make this work.
How can it when only one partner is trying?
You are not the wall that keeps your spouse from excess. None of us are that powerful.
I'm sorry to hear that your spouse is in physical pain. That is hard, for him and for you.
But you can't take that pain away, and living in it with him does you no good.
I'm not saying you should leave. I'm saying you need some distance, and to find a way to overcome the guilt you feel about his drinking.
Gonna say that again: your guilt over his drinking.
I don't remember from earlier posts. Do you go to Al-Anon meetings.?
Could help a lot with clarity

PerSe

Thank you Maudcat. I just started going back to Alanon. I've been to two meetings. Each time I am about to leave for the meetings, there is eye rolling, sullenness, and just this vibe from him like I'm just abandoning the family by going out to these silly meetings. That's him though, and I know I need to keep going. We have a lot of misdirected anger in our family so I sometimes feel concerned for the boys when I go. But I think it's fine. Gosh I even have guilt over going to a one-hour meeting. I never realized that.

I have struggled so much with trying to overcome my concern for his drinking. We never talk about relationship issues but I seem to feel this vibe from him that I am just too easily triggered by his having a few drinks, that I am making a big deal about nothing. And I have bought in to that mindset over the years and have, as you said, tried to find the right way to make it work. Even now, as I know that I need out of this relationship and that my boys need a new family structure, I do feel deeply guilty. Part of it is I see that H has the emotional maturity of probably an 18 year old. We have been together so long that I fear if I leave he will just fall apart.

Thank you for your reply. It's really helpful.

the1975jen

I have been screamed at over going to meetings. It's very hard to leave an angry, unpredictable person in your house, with your kids and pets, even if it is for an hour. I stopped going to alanon for about six months. It was partly due to what I had to go through just to go. I totally get it. The fact is though I felt understood at those meetings and lighter when I left. The selfishness of the alcoholic makes them think all we do is sit there and complain about them I suppose. Or, they disdain that we do something for ourselves. who knows. Good on you for continuing to go. I'm back going too.

FallenAngelina

This is a common fear of those of us who love an active alcoholic, that they will fall apart without our support and care. When I find myself worrying about this, it's a strong, loud, clear signal that I need to take my focus off of him and get myself back to my own connection with my own serenity. Fretting over my beloved alcoholic is the substance that I am addicted to and my sipping from this cup is just as damaging as drinking is for him. Worrying that our alcoholic can't make it without us is a crippling addiction and any help we offer from that perspective is guaranteed to add to the problem.

In AlAnon, we learn to "Work the program, not the problem." Perhaps your husband would be assured to know that AlAnon isn't about commiserating with others, nor is it a prep course for leaving (or staying with) an alcoholic. It's about learning how to think in a much less fearful way, how to make healthier choices for a more fulfilling life for all concerned. Your family will actually benefit a great deal from your participation in this program, no matter how your togetherness unfolds.

the1975jen

it is so common! And I'm afflicted with it too. I understand in this case her ah has medical issues. but I was thinking also maybe we fear if he doesn't fall apart we feel like all the years we spent putting in *so* much effort will feel like a waste. Here is this grown person who had us fooled into thinking they needed us to do so much of their day to day stuff when they were truly capable.

and if they do fall apart I suppose we would feel bad for leaving! But the truth is, these are adult grown men who have access to all the same resources we do. Its not our job to take care of them. Everyone should have the right to their own personal success and failure. We are taking away their opportunity to be grown up responsible successful people if we do everything.

alanon is truly helpful on this topic!

just some thoughts

trailmix

As you get more distance you will probably see more things like this. After so much time it's just ingrained. He doesn't even have to stay anything to you, it's just a look or a vibe. So then I suppose you are feeling apprehensive but boldly go to the meeting anyway.

You've been looking out for him for a long time no doubt and that's a responsibility and responsibility is not easy to throw aside, whether that is a grown child, spouse or parent etc. It shouldn't be easy really, so accept that as understandable.

The truth is, perhaps, you aren't actually in a romantic partnership (for lack of a better term) with him at this point. I'm sure you were at some point but that's gone. So now you are living with a roommate.

Realistically a relationship is a 2 person endeavour. What effort is he making to make that partnership strong and thriving? Now I'm not saying anyone is to blame, digging all that up is probably not helpful, just saying that you are not responsible for this relationship all on your own, you can't be (as you have found) but you have been and probably for a long time.

As for him spiraling when/if you leave, you really don't have any control over that, not today and not next week. That could happen at anytime. It is possible the only reason he isn't drinking every day is because you are there, in fact it might be likely. That may well be where the distance (in part) is coming from, from his standpoint. At some point he might just say *-it and decide to REALLY drink (with you there), not in your control.

One last thought since this is turning in to a novel - if you feel guilt about going to a meeting with one sigh or look, then he is just sitting on the sofa running the show, how did that ever come to be?

dandylion

PerSe……"You didn't Cause it ; You can't Cure it; and you can't Control it".....
The 3 Cs.
We do cling so tightly to the idea that we can control it...like clinging to a lifesaver.....

Keep working, PerSe….and reading/;earning and going to alanon meetings.....
I hope you have read...or, will read "Co-dependent No More", also.....
No matter what he does or doesn't do, if you should leave...is not your fault...or your responsibility. Think about it.....you seem to assign all responsibility to yourself.....why are you so responsible for two adults and he is not responsible for even one whole adult...…?!

I know you are struggling...and I salute you for struggling...rather than the other option of just giving up...as long as you don't give up...and keep doing what you are doing....you will, eventually, escape from the prison that you and the boys are living in.....

***by the way---if/when you do decide to leave the prison existance….the local dv center will help you to plan how to leave...in great detail...and, they will give you lots of assistance, in lots of ways, if you will take it. They also have shelters available, should you need it for you and the boys for safety reasons....
You can always talk to them on the phone in total privacy and secret, from your husband.....
There are people with experience who exist just to help you.....

Mango212

My DV help center is a great resource in many ways. I talked with a person on their hotline again today and now easily sorted some things out, got much welcomed feedback and have a better focus. Trusting my gut instinct is a big part of my recovery. Having a safe space with people who understand is important. The wider my support network, the stronger my recovery has been.

One day at a time. Baby steps. Layers of healing. ((((hugs))))

Clover71