OpheliaKatz

This is such a good thread with lots of really useful replies esp regarding family of origin issues and codependency. Sticky?

pdm22

Glenjo99- you’re doing fine. Progress, not perfection, right? A year ago you probably would have let him in. This time around you did not. Now you know showing up at your doorstep is something he might do, so you’ll be better prepared next time.

I know we’d all like to have the perfect “I don’t take any crap from anyone” reaction in these situations, but sometimes that’s not necessarily going to help either. Especially if that’s not part of your “normal” personality (not sure how you are in real life), a guy like him might just sniff out false bravado and see that as a red flag being waved in front of a bull. Sometimes the “no one messes with me” type reactions backfire too. You just never know. But the important thing is you have good instincts, and you used them, and you didn’t let him in. You’re naturally having feelings about seeing him. This stuff is hard. Hang in there, keep doing what you’re doing and you’ll eventually get your baseline back.

And just a side note- yeah the guy’s an addict, but I wouldn’t ever underestimate someone’s underlying relationship “issues” stuff either- and the stuff this guy does with sleeping with everyone and pitting people up against each other (men, women- he doesn’t care) and being blasé and insensitive about it- my non professional diagnosis for him=
f-ing douchebag. And you deserve better.

Glenjo99

Thanks Pdm. Good professional diagnosis.

Progress not perfection I like that being a perfectionist.

As for the I don’t take any crap from anyone reaction, it was more shock in the moment seeing him at the door with suitcases and I acted on instinct not to let him in. I'm quite soft in real life. Progress.

Your right though it's really hard. On my way to work in car today, I'm feeling quite flat/deflated, because I feel like all I've been talking about for months is working on myself, self analysis, and working things out. It's quite draining and I feel sometimes life's not meant to be this much hard work.

Can't deny where I'm at either. Cried earlier today at the thoughts of the guy I met at the beginning and shutting the door on him 2 years later. Think I'm a bit depressed with it all, taking its toll on me.

Even though I know I did right in closing the door on him, I'm fighting the urge most days to text and see if he was ok after. Madness of it all 🙄.

I'm sure I'll pull myself back up.

pdm22

I know, it sucks, it’d be so much easier to just not care. And having feelings about it, and a nurturing/ “are you okay” type of reaction probably works other people, unfortunately this guy is just not well and it ends up hurting you in the end.

But your feelings are still your feeling- and it hurts. It just really, really sucks- because you know if you let him back in, the next “New Years Eve” type bs is right around the corner. But having continued contact with him - you get sucked down the drain right along with him and his p***- poor behavior. And that in between/ triggered limbo place doesn’t feel good either. Hang in there, cry it out, talk to people, do what you need to do. It just might time some time before you feel better/ stronger about it.

trailmix

It isn't meant to be such hard work, you're right. Not saying it isn't hard work, it is, just too much all at once will drag you down. Pace yourself.

As for being quite a softy - that's where boundaries come in.

Here is one of mine. If you get arrested do not call me, I will not bail you out. Now, this seems silly and I have never had anyone call me on it lol - I just decided early on that if anyone ever got arrested I wanted nothing to do with it. Friends, family - I don't care, don't call me - no bail.

Now, it's silly on the surface, but it's a boundary. One boundary you might make is, if you are an addict you are not welcome in my home. Also, if you are drunk, you are not welcome in my home.

They are life boundaries for you. Then when you come up against something like, you meet a guy in a pub and he is a great guy but clearly really tipsy, he's not being invited home.

This saves you from making split second decisions that might hurt your softy self.

Like bailing someone out from jail.

Glenjo99

Thanks yeh I'll hang in there, it's important to be honest about how I'm feeling. It actually really hurts and the fact I'm quite emotional today shows it's taking it's toll, but good to cry it out also.

It's good also to hear what you say about being dragged down with him because you know how our minds can play tricks and when feeling a bit low, there's a thought, well maybe he is doing ok now and maybe he was sober for the last few weeks . All delusional but amazing how they creep in. But as you say, any contact would end with both people being sick and that's not good for me. That in between limbo place does suck, appreciate you understanding.

Glenjo99

I suppose nobody ever said having boundaries was easy either. It's funny learning all this new terminology and behaviours over the last while, there's almost an assumption it's straight forward to impose them, not so. Can't still feel crap.

SparkleKitty

I will say it gets easier, though--probably because once you experience how having and maintaining strong boundaries pays off in peace of mind, it becomes the default position rather than having to think about or agonize over it.

trailmix

Yes - stuff happens like that and you feel like crap.

It's really damage control that has protection inbuilt.

I can bail my friend out of jail, the fact they are in jail means they are in trouble. The other fact is they are calling me for bail therefore they cannot afford bail. Later on, I am going to want the money back - oh that will make other problems.

You meet someone at a pub, they are drunk or tipsy. There is no downside to holding your boundary. So nice to meet you, here is my number, call me and we will go out for food sometime?

Now, this person may not be a drunk, they may have been celebrating their promotion to CEO of a huge corporation and normally never drink, you will find that out at dinner.

In the meantime you have protected yourself up front.

Sometimes boundaries are obvious (don't put up bail money) sometimes not so much and we learn them as we go along. You have come across a really tough one. Boundaries are not perfect sometimes you just don't know what you don't know going in, but they surely help in the long run.

One other thing. After all this time and all these instances, you have still not accepted him for what he is. He is not in recovery all of a sudden, he's out drinking somewhere, or maybe he's in jail. I'm going to guess he is back at the cousin's place.

Self-esteem is the key here.