Can old wounds be reopened that easily?
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Im beginning to wonder. My instinct is he's a narcissist. I read this article tonight and it's the closest I've come across to explaining how I've felt over last couple of weeks.
"Narcissist abuse syndrome exhibits many of the symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), to include:
"Narcissist abuse syndrome exhibits many of the symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), to include:
- Intrusive thoughts or memories
- Physical-emotional reactions to reminders of trauma
- Nightmares and flashbacks (feeling as if event is happening again)
- Avoidance thoughts, people or situations associated with the trauma
- Negative thoughts about self and world
- Distorted sense of blame related to trauma
- Sense of detachment or isolation from other people
- Difficulty concentrating and, or sleeping
- Hyper-vigilance, irritability, easily startled".
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Also this!!!!!!
When a narcissist abuse survivor has gone no-contact—in other words, the survivor has chosen to disengage completely from the abusive person—often the person with narcissism will attempt to see if the door is still open for more narcissistic supply. He or she may “hoover” prior survivors by emailing, texting, phoning, or showing up at a survivor’s workplace or residence under the pretext of apologizing for transgressions, delivering flowers, hitting the reset button, or feigning illness or a need for assistance (money, return of belongings, etc.).
Bingo! That's what he was doing, trying to Hoover me.
When a narcissist abuse survivor has gone no-contact—in other words, the survivor has chosen to disengage completely from the abusive person—often the person with narcissism will attempt to see if the door is still open for more narcissistic supply. He or she may “hoover” prior survivors by emailing, texting, phoning, or showing up at a survivor’s workplace or residence under the pretext of apologizing for transgressions, delivering flowers, hitting the reset button, or feigning illness or a need for assistance (money, return of belongings, etc.).
Bingo! That's what he was doing, trying to Hoover me.
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Basically yes and as you read these narcissism information lists you are going to hit on a lot of things that resonate, for two reasons.
Alcoholics are way high up (generally) on the narcissistic scale, or appear to be as they are also, generally, very self centered.
Secondly, narcissists have a huge void - so do alcoholics (generally).
One big difference I see is a person with true NPD is going to mirror you and others. They will pick up the personality traits, likes and dislikes (foods, entertainment, hobbies, interests etc etc) of their targets. I don't see alcoholics doing that as such.
Alcoholics are way high up (generally) on the narcissistic scale, or appear to be as they are also, generally, very self centered.
Secondly, narcissists have a huge void - so do alcoholics (generally).
One big difference I see is a person with true NPD is going to mirror you and others. They will pick up the personality traits, likes and dislikes (foods, entertainment, hobbies, interests etc etc) of their targets. I don't see alcoholics doing that as such.
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Originally Posted by trailmix 
Basically yes and as you read these narcissism information lists you are going to hit on a lot of things that resonate, for two reasons.
Alcoholics are way high up (generally) on the narcissistic scale, or appear to be as they are also, generally, very self centered.
Secondly, narcissists have a huge void - so do alcoholics (generally).
One big difference I see is a person with true NPD is going to mirror you and others. They will pick up the personality traits, likes and dislikes (foods, entertainment, hobbies, interests etc etc) of their targets. I don't see alcoholics doing that as such.
Alcoholics are way high up (generally) on the narcissistic scale, or appear to be as they are also, generally, very self centered.
Secondly, narcissists have a huge void - so do alcoholics (generally).
One big difference I see is a person with true NPD is going to mirror you and others. They will pick up the personality traits, likes and dislikes (foods, entertainment, hobbies, interests etc etc) of their targets. I don't see alcoholics doing that as such.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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Originally Posted by trailmix
One big difference I see is a person with true NPD is going to mirror you and others. They will pick up the personality traits, likes and dislikes (foods, entertainment, hobbies, interests etc etc) of their targets. I don't see alcoholics doing that as such.
I don't know if trauma caused by narcissist abuse needs its own name. I mean, relationship trauma is relationship trauma right?
The initial question was about recovery. I can say that as someone who is still recovering, things become clearer with time. For example today I realized that unless I had seen what was happening with my own eyes, there was no way I could know that my ex was ever doing what he said he was doing by reading his text messages... or even talking to him on the phone. There are basically... a billion ways he could have lied to me. So unless I had proof, I should have always assumed he was lying.
I can't believe what we put up with/have put up with!
The most difficult thing to work on during recovery is not knowing if you should prioritize managing your fear or your grief. From my perspective, I think managing fear is more important... because not doing so can cut you off from anyone who might be a source of good in your life. After this type of abuse, it's hard to trust people -- I assume you can trust some people. The hardest person to trust is yourself. So you have to manage fear first... so at least you can trust yourself.
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Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
A lot of people say their exes were narcissists... but the key differences between addict behavior and narcissism are important. My ex DID pick up the personality traits, likes and dislikes of people around him. Initially, I found it annoying, then I found it really disturbing. He used to take credit for other people's hobbies and even other people's work. Also, do you know the show on Netflix called "Bates Motel"? I find this show triggering (although the performances are amazing) because the Norman Bates character (as played by Freddie Highmore) reminds me very much of my ex; and my ex had just as toxic a relationship with his parents as Norman Bates does with his mother (there are no boundaries in that relationship).
I don't know if trauma caused by narcissist abuse needs its own name. I mean, relationship trauma is relationship trauma right?
The initial question was about recovery. I can say that as someone who is still recovering, things become clearer with time. For example today I realized that unless I had seen what was happening with my own eyes, there was no way I could know that my ex was ever doing what he said he was doing by reading his text messages... or even talking to him on the phone. There are basically... a billion ways he could have lied to me. So unless I had proof, I should have always assumed he was lying.
I can't believe what we put up with/have put up with!
The most difficult thing to work on during recovery is not knowing if you should prioritize managing your fear or your grief. From my perspective, I think managing fear is more important... because not doing so can cut you off from anyone who might be a source of good in your life. After this type of abuse, it's hard to trust people -- I assume you can trust some people. The hardest person to trust is yourself. So you have to manage fear first... so at least you can trust yourself.
I don't know if trauma caused by narcissist abuse needs its own name. I mean, relationship trauma is relationship trauma right?
The initial question was about recovery. I can say that as someone who is still recovering, things become clearer with time. For example today I realized that unless I had seen what was happening with my own eyes, there was no way I could know that my ex was ever doing what he said he was doing by reading his text messages... or even talking to him on the phone. There are basically... a billion ways he could have lied to me. So unless I had proof, I should have always assumed he was lying.
I can't believe what we put up with/have put up with!
The most difficult thing to work on during recovery is not knowing if you should prioritize managing your fear or your grief. From my perspective, I think managing fear is more important... because not doing so can cut you off from anyone who might be a source of good in your life. After this type of abuse, it's hard to trust people -- I assume you can trust some people. The hardest person to trust is yourself. So you have to manage fear first... so at least you can trust yourself.
As for the lying thing, I do now assume that everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. Everything. Even at my door last week, my brain knew everything he was saying was a lie and made up to manipulate me to feel like I was special now and everyone else was wrong.
What I'm struggling with is, I had seen the woods for the trees. Very clearly around Christmas time. He hurt me particularly on new year's Eve and on new year's day I made a conscious decision with anger as fuel I think that he doesn't care about me and that I deserve more. I was doing great, dating a new person, I rarely thought about my ex and even friends commented that I looked healthier and happier. He was no in my mind. I chose the NC.
Since he resurfaced 2 weeks ago, calling into my house with suitcases, I feel like I've gone backwards, occupying my mind, hyper vigilant and very irritable. I turned him away, haven't contacted him though I could, so am doing all the right things. I would like some logical explanation of why I'm like this after doing so well. I mean I really felt that if I never saw him again I'd be great, finally over him. Realised he was using me and hurting me on purpose. Who does that.
Maybe I'm going through a bad patch unrelated to him, time of year etc but I doubt it
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
I would like some logical explanation of why I'm like this after doing so well.
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I live in a state of victim mode for so long that actions are easier to fix then the mental aspects of victim state. It's hard to get over those feelings. I live with it every day so it becomes ingrain to my way of thinking even when I don't want it to occupy space anymore. I have to figure out a new way of reactive thinking.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Grief is not logical. Neither is addiction. Sometimes we have to be more patient with ourselves than we like or is comfortable.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
I would like some logical explanation of why I'm like this after doing so well. I mean I really felt that if I never saw him again I'd be great, finally over him.
There's an intermittent chicken theory that's been tossed around here. If you do a search, you'll find it. The idea is that intermittent rewards keeps abuse victims stuck in relationships, because even though things are bad, the intermittent good times keep victims hoping that the relationship can be the way they want it to be. The bad times are so bad that even the littlest "good" things that happen seem really wonderful... even though they are not. For example, I remember one day when my ex gave me a compliment and it was the first genuine compliment I had heard from him in about... 8 years, I was really moved... EVEN though the compliment was about how much I provided for him (so it was really about him).
Nothing wrong with you. Just trauma. You can have good days, even weeks, months, then one day you see some guy who looks like the guy who hurt you (even though he isn't) and you get a panic attack... or your "but there were good times" blinkers slip on -- but you know better now. You actually SAW your ex. So no surprise that now you feel like you're going "backwards".
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Childhood experiences, both positive and negative, have a tremendous impact on future violence victimization and perpetration, and lifelong health and opportunity.
Say These 6 Things to Heal and Nurture Your Inner Child
1 - I love you.
2 - I hear you. (Listening to our body knowing helps in tapping into this.)
3. Thank you.
4. Let's play.
5. Life is good.
6. It's okay to have fun now.
Say These 6 Things to Heal and Nurture Your Inner Child
1 - I love you.
2 - I hear you. (Listening to our body knowing helps in tapping into this.)
3. Thank you.
4. Let's play.
5. Life is good.
6. It's okay to have fun now.
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Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
Cognitive dissonance. Your brain wants to make it logical: either he was a wonderful person or was not... not that he was both acting wonderful one minute and then next you find out he's a liar.
There's an intermittent chicken theory that's been tossed around here. If you do a search, you'll find it. The idea is that intermittent rewards keeps abuse victims stuck in relationships, because even though things are bad, the intermittent good times keep victims hoping that the relationship can be the way they want it to be. The bad times are so bad that even the littlest "good" things that happen seem really wonderful... even though they are not. For example, I remember one day when my ex gave me a compliment and it was the first genuine compliment I had heard from him in about... 8 years, I was really moved... EVEN though the compliment was about how much I provided for him (so it was really about him).
Nothing wrong with you. Just trauma. You can have good days, even weeks, months, then one day you see some guy who looks like the guy who hurt you (even though he isn't) and you get a panic attack... or your "but there were good times" blinkers slip on -- but you know better now. You actually SAW your ex. So no surprise that now you feel like you're going "backwards".
There's an intermittent chicken theory that's been tossed around here. If you do a search, you'll find it. The idea is that intermittent rewards keeps abuse victims stuck in relationships, because even though things are bad, the intermittent good times keep victims hoping that the relationship can be the way they want it to be. The bad times are so bad that even the littlest "good" things that happen seem really wonderful... even though they are not. For example, I remember one day when my ex gave me a compliment and it was the first genuine compliment I had heard from him in about... 8 years, I was really moved... EVEN though the compliment was about how much I provided for him (so it was really about him).
Nothing wrong with you. Just trauma. You can have good days, even weeks, months, then one day you see some guy who looks like the guy who hurt you (even though he isn't) and you get a panic attack... or your "but there were good times" blinkers slip on -- but you know better now. You actually SAW your ex. So no surprise that now you feel like you're going "backwards".
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Originally Posted by Mango212
Childhood experiences, both positive and negative, have a tremendous impact on future violence victimization and perpetration, and lifelong health and opportunity.
Say These 6 Things to Heal and Nurture Your Inner Child
1 - I love you.
2 - I hear you. (Listening to our body knowing helps in tapping into this.)
3. Thank you.
4. Let's play.
5. Life is good.
6. It's okay to have fun now.
Say These 6 Things to Heal and Nurture Your Inner Child
1 - I love you.
2 - I hear you. (Listening to our body knowing helps in tapping into this.)
3. Thank you.
4. Let's play.
5. Life is good.
6. It's okay to have fun now.
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Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
I don't know if trauma caused by narcissist abuse needs its own name. I mean, relationship trauma is relationship trauma right?
I think though that if it's not, a person can get caught up in identifying this and then applying everything to that and that can be a bit counter productive in some ways, if that makes sense?
It can also be a way to dismiss it, if there is no mirroring you could say well he obviously is not NPD and stop research there when in fact many of those things can apply. While not true NPD, narcissism is real, of course.
I think the helpful part in identifying the narcissistic traits is to understand how it plays out and as you mentioned, dealing with the cognitive dissonance.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Maybe I'm going through a bad patch unrelated to him, time of year etc but I doubt it
Having that other relationship can be thought of, I suppose, as a defense. I don't need HIM because I have this. That occupies your mind and time and you are relatively happy.
Take that away and you are kind of right back where you were, nothing has changed, you just don't have the defense/distraction anymore.
Anyway, just a hunch.
I do think your narcissism information is helpful in understanding what happened. Most importantly that disconnect between who he is - the two faces. That is hard to deal with, it makes no sense! It's nonsensical! It's crap really lol
So the mind goes round and round, so if that was this, then how can this be, if that was like that then how could that happen. Oh remember how great that was, oh remember how awful that was, which way was it? The two things are so diametrically opposed.
Once you accept that, that everything he is comes from the same place, you will be 100 percent more peaceful with it all.
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The brain, body and spirit are amazing. We know how to heal. Layers of learning, accepting, moving ahead.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Where were you at emotionally when you started dating the new guy? Chances are as soon as he exited the scene (romantically) you were kind of back where you started.
Having that other relationship can be thought of, I suppose, as a defense. I don't need HIM because I have this. That occupies your mind and time and you are relatively happy.
Take that away and you are kind of right back where you were, nothing has changed, you just don't have the defense/distraction anymore.
Anyway, just a hunch.
I do think your narcissism information is helpful in understanding what happened. Most importantly that disconnect between who he is - the two faces. That is hard to deal with, it makes no sense! It's nonsensical! It's crap really lol
So the mind goes round and round, so if that was this, then how can this be, if that was like that then how could that happen. Oh remember how great that was, oh remember how awful that was, which way was it? The two things are so diametrically opposed.
Once you accept that, that everything he is comes from the same place, you will be 100 percent more peaceful with it all.
Having that other relationship can be thought of, I suppose, as a defense. I don't need HIM because I have this. That occupies your mind and time and you are relatively happy.
Take that away and you are kind of right back where you were, nothing has changed, you just don't have the defense/distraction anymore.
Anyway, just a hunch.
I do think your narcissism information is helpful in understanding what happened. Most importantly that disconnect between who he is - the two faces. That is hard to deal with, it makes no sense! It's nonsensical! It's crap really lol
So the mind goes round and round, so if that was this, then how can this be, if that was like that then how could that happen. Oh remember how great that was, oh remember how awful that was, which way was it? The two things are so diametrically opposed.
Once you accept that, that everything he is comes from the same place, you will be 100 percent more peaceful with it all.
I don't know, maybe the fact he was gone from his cousins and she was out of the picture (if this is indeed the case, probably not) sparked something in me, that I would have him to myself now (though this too would never happen), as their relationship always perturbed me. However he was probably running from his latest girls place or something. I don't know.
Your hunch may be right about having the other guy to date, not sure.
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Maybe I wasn't as far along as I thought I was in my healing. That's ok. Also I'm not loving myself at the moment again obviously, if I'm spending this amount of time on someone who I never really knew, who abused me.
One other thing I'd like to share, because I always find that by sharing in here what's really going on for me, it gets it out and someone will have experienced it or at least throw a new slant on it.
In some weird way, and I mentioned this to a friend, I think my turning him away from my door and saying he could not stay has in a way made me think now I'll never hear from him again. That kind of rejection will tell him I'm strong, not as weak as he thought and no longer willing to be so codependent. Now I know what your thinking, and I was untill he popped up again, that it's bloody fantastic if he doesn't show up ever again in my life. Yet I have to be honest with myself, I don't feel great about it. That tells me I'm obviously not feeling great about me, not loving myself enough, esteem has taken a hit again because I should be delighted. Maybe with bit more time I'll get there again.
One other thing I'd like to share, because I always find that by sharing in here what's really going on for me, it gets it out and someone will have experienced it or at least throw a new slant on it.
In some weird way, and I mentioned this to a friend, I think my turning him away from my door and saying he could not stay has in a way made me think now I'll never hear from him again. That kind of rejection will tell him I'm strong, not as weak as he thought and no longer willing to be so codependent. Now I know what your thinking, and I was untill he popped up again, that it's bloody fantastic if he doesn't show up ever again in my life. Yet I have to be honest with myself, I don't feel great about it. That tells me I'm obviously not feeling great about me, not loving myself enough, esteem has taken a hit again because I should be delighted. Maybe with bit more time I'll get there again.
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That kind of rejection will tell him I'm strong, not as weak as he thought and no longer willing to be so codependent.
i can tell you almost assuredly he didn't put anywhere near that much thought into the fact you said no. he simply went on to the next option. you said no. just like others have. he's used to it.
as long as you keep thinking you know what he is thinking, you are allowing him to rent space in your head. HE is not doing anything to you, except not contacting you...........and as i suggested earlier, methinks that might be the real problem here.
i can tell you almost assuredly he didn't put anywhere near that much thought into the fact you said no. he simply went on to the next option. you said no. just like others have. he's used to it.
as long as you keep thinking you know what he is thinking, you are allowing him to rent space in your head. HE is not doing anything to you, except not contacting you...........and as i suggested earlier, methinks that might be the real problem here.
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Sorry I did not join this earlier.
For a long time I had to say this as a mantra
No Contact (NC) = No New Hurts
What you describe about feeling off when you saw his again is why NC was so important to me. I learned it on a support site for affairs.
The withdrawing process/grief actually changes brain chemistry and is so painful. I think when I was in NC my chemistry got a chance to simmer down but when I was in touch again it would flare up.
For a long time I had to say this as a mantra
No Contact (NC) = No New Hurts
What you describe about feeling off when you saw his again is why NC was so important to me. I learned it on a support site for affairs.
The withdrawing process/grief actually changes brain chemistry and is so painful. I think when I was in NC my chemistry got a chance to simmer down but when I was in touch again it would flare up.
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