Raindrops

Amaranth

Have you tried inner child work?

ttps://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-empowerment-diary/201808/deep-secrets-and-inner-child-healing

OpheliaKatz

Trailmix might have info. Also check the stickies. I have been recommended Melanie Tonia Evans:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iaYoO4l-NHE

Some people recommend Sam Vaknin, but I find him creepy because he was diagnosed as a narcissist (he's had trouble with the law and had to be officially diagnosed.) If you mind looking at him, you can always just play him in the background while you look at something less... creepy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4AYq_WOBgDY

I have also read "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. I didn't find it especially useful, but you might. I read recently that only 1 out of 10 women leave relationships with addiction and abuse whereas only 1 out of 10 men stay in those relationships. Interesting, right?

"Psychopath Free" by Jackson Mackenzie (not sure this was useful to me either). Not sure my ex was a psychopath but his behavior was definitely narcissistic.

"Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. I found this very useful. Bancroft works as a counselor at men's programs. He treats men who are abusive and are court ordered to attend a men's behavior change program (he says most of them don't change, and some of them pretend to change but actually treat their partners worse because they learn how to be sneaky about it).

As usual, when you look at youtube videos, stay away from the comments section. Some of the people who have commented on videos that I have watched sounded suspiciously like narcissists or abusers themselves (maybe they are doing research on their favorite subject, who knows?)

Also: Michele Lee Nieves
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC6W...Tw_dTDbAM3J7Fw
Again, stay away from the comments.

Here's an article.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/b...ife-is-so-hard

I think the most important "tools" are 1. time, 2. staying busy, 3. no contact. If you MUST have contact with them, treat them as if you are dealing with a toxic co-worker and keep things, "professional" by never taking the bait. There's a method called "gray rock": https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/61...ng-narcissist/

OpheliaKatz

Here's another one:

https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/71...nt-narcissist/

Note that a lot of the traits of narcissism, which is actually a personality disorder, might overlap with the behavior of addicts in active addiction. This does not mean that the addict is necessarily a narcissist (it's not possible to know unless they are sober and recovering and yet still act like narcissists). But the method of keeping yourself save is the same. No contact/limited contact. You're basically dealing with a person who is very selfish, who will use everyone they know to get what they want. For the addict, what they want is their DOC. For the narcissist, it could be anything.

Raindrops

Amaranth

I agree that keeping the focus on the narcissist keeps the focus on...well the narcissist.

Inner child work has been very useful to me. Putting the focus on myself, regardless of any other people that have hurt or abused me, is very empowering. I totally resisted it at first but a friend of mine encouraged me to start doing it and now I am doing it every day. Every time an emotion comes up I talk to my inner child. It's very simple yet incredibly effective.

I may never understand my husband but in time I may understand myself

Leelee168

Neuroinstincts and Dr. Rhonda Freeman.

https://neuroinstincts.com/

She has a lot of free stuff, videos and articles, on her site and her Facebook page.

Hope this helps you.

trailmix

Lots of good info already shared.

As Ophelia mentioned, Sam can be creepy for sure - but he does have the inside edge on info!

I started out at the psychopath free forums when I was learning about narcissism and I got some good information there. However after a few weeks I realized that many people were "stuck" there, or so it felt to me. Now, they may just be sharing their stories with others (like we do here) so that may have been inaccurate but I never felt really comfortable there and while Jackson Mackenzie founded that website and has written two books, I couldn't really identify with his story because he was very, very passive and I'm just - not.

All that said, all these tools and information are valuable, there are pieces to the puzzle that will resound with you and some that will not but eventually you will have your own picture and that can be important.

No matter where he falls on the narcissism scale, the good the bad are all one person. Once I really realized that EVERYTHING he did came from the same place, that pretty much everything out of his mouth was manipulation, the no one in his life was actually important to him except as a means to get whatever he needed (to fill the huge void), I had my answers.

OpheliaKatz

Another thing that helped me was focusing on my physical health: sleeping, exercising, eating. I had gained a lot of weight and I needed to loose it because I used to eat when I was stressed. I also had to eat better.

These things affect your mood too. It won't get rid of ptsd, but it will help your mood somewhat. See your doctor if really depressed.

Wamama48

Raindrops, what you said here jumped out at me.....I need to focus on my character defects irrespective of his addiction.....
Maybe rephrase that to focusing on your character strengths, then work on your defects as you see fit. He has done a real number on your self esteem, but it looks like your taking away his power and working your recovery. 💕

Mango212

Hi Raindrops,

How are you doing today?

Three more questions:
What does your recovery look like right now? Are you enjoying life? Could you use additional support in some way?

dawnrising

the book Ophelia Katz recommended above "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft Is excellent. I will say the approach of the book is very direct/blunt which I personally needed but may be a little rough for some.