distorted thought patterns and denial
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California
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distorted thought patterns and denial
I think that my thinking patterns have become distorted over the years. I know that H’s drinking is a problem. The night I moved out of our bedroom (11 nights ago) he drank 2 bottles of red wine. And, as mentioned in another post, yes he knew exactly why I moved out. He didn’t drink at all (that I know of) that weekend. Then last Thursday he brings home the 6-pack, drinks it all in one evening, hasn’t drank at all since (that I know of).
Even though I know I need to look at long-term patterns I so readily and easily focus on the idea that “well he only drank one 6-pack this week and that does not, by definition, even count as heavy drinking so why are you making such a big deal of this?”. It’s crazy – it’s like I can have these simultaneous and conflicting thought streams: “Quaffing a 6-pack actually is considered binge drinking and he was drinking it while with our son and drinking a 6-pack is what lots of dudes do so stop making a big deal of nothing.” Even though I know it’s a problem and while that is what matters most, it has also been solidly validated by you beautiful people on this board and by my therapist. I think this must be the voice of denial in me. And it’s like the moment I feel strong enough to even think of the boundary/change I want, which is recover or we are done, it’s like I knock my own self down with these thought patterns – H is a good dad, he’s engaged, taking boys to team practices, cooking here and there, almost always pitching in on after dinner clean up, works hard, loves me, loves the boys, is a wonderful person in so many other ways …. Wtf is my problem? How could I be considering divorce from this amazing man? Is going through a couple bottles of wine on a weekend night really enough to think I would uproot and divide this family?!
I think I just needed to somehow express this ridiculous circus that plays out in my head so much. I’m planning to go back to that Alanon meeting tonight. I know that Alanon and reading here will help me get well. Thanks.
Even though I know I need to look at long-term patterns I so readily and easily focus on the idea that “well he only drank one 6-pack this week and that does not, by definition, even count as heavy drinking so why are you making such a big deal of this?”. It’s crazy – it’s like I can have these simultaneous and conflicting thought streams: “Quaffing a 6-pack actually is considered binge drinking and he was drinking it while with our son and drinking a 6-pack is what lots of dudes do so stop making a big deal of nothing.” Even though I know it’s a problem and while that is what matters most, it has also been solidly validated by you beautiful people on this board and by my therapist. I think this must be the voice of denial in me. And it’s like the moment I feel strong enough to even think of the boundary/change I want, which is recover or we are done, it’s like I knock my own self down with these thought patterns – H is a good dad, he’s engaged, taking boys to team practices, cooking here and there, almost always pitching in on after dinner clean up, works hard, loves me, loves the boys, is a wonderful person in so many other ways …. Wtf is my problem? How could I be considering divorce from this amazing man? Is going through a couple bottles of wine on a weekend night really enough to think I would uproot and divide this family?!
I think I just needed to somehow express this ridiculous circus that plays out in my head so much. I’m planning to go back to that Alanon meeting tonight. I know that Alanon and reading here will help me get well. Thanks.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
One very helpful aspect of Alanon for me is that it gets me off of looking at the drinking and instead puts my thoughts on my own experience of the relationship - and of life in general. It's tempting to get all balled up in drinking (just how much is problem drinking??) but really, the drinking isn't ever the real issue. The relationships are the issue. When I look at it that way, I can see so many more choices for myself and I can see how I have so much more influence on what happens.
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PerSe…..I think that minimizing his drinking is a way of allowing you to stay in a situation that is not good for you....and, protecting you from facing your fears.....your fears of the unknown...your fears about the future....
after all, if you can convince yourself that all this is "no big deal"....then you can stay in your comfort zone.....
If you read through the thousands of real life stories, here, on this forum....you will see how very common this defense mechanism is.....it can keep people stuck in one place for decades...or, even, forever...…
babysteps….babysteps...babysteps...babysteps….can lead you out of the forest...out of you comfort zone.....
after all, if you can convince yourself that all this is "no big deal"....then you can stay in your comfort zone.....
If you read through the thousands of real life stories, here, on this forum....you will see how very common this defense mechanism is.....it can keep people stuck in one place for decades...or, even, forever...…
babysteps….babysteps...babysteps...babysteps….can lead you out of the forest...out of you comfort zone.....
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California
Posts: 143
Thank you! Yes, baby steps. Baby step: right here right now I am working on my resume to apply for a job that, although feels out of my reach, I know I could do. Yes. Whatever crazy thoughts may be I am doing this today.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Exactly, you are baby-stepping out of the forest!
If you just think of the drinking in isolation, maybe it is not that big a deal.
Say 3 nights out of the week he gets drunk. That is, of course, really annoying. Having someone drunk around when you are trying to have a nice relaxing night in (especially with children) is not fun. The person who is drunk is off in their own little world.
But if you just isolate that, well ok, 4 nights out of the week he isn't drinking.
But it's not just that. It's the hang overs and the short temper, the fact that he is never really "sober", his thought patterns are not normal. You two don't communicate normally. He is checked out of the relationship. He is setting a bad example for your children.
Isn't that really the issue(s). If you took the alcohol away and he just displayed those behaviours as a matter of course, would that be ok?
Anyway, just food for thought. You are moving forward, doing the next right thing for yourself, you're on the right path.
If you just think of the drinking in isolation, maybe it is not that big a deal.
Say 3 nights out of the week he gets drunk. That is, of course, really annoying. Having someone drunk around when you are trying to have a nice relaxing night in (especially with children) is not fun. The person who is drunk is off in their own little world.
But if you just isolate that, well ok, 4 nights out of the week he isn't drinking.
But it's not just that. It's the hang overs and the short temper, the fact that he is never really "sober", his thought patterns are not normal. You two don't communicate normally. He is checked out of the relationship. He is setting a bad example for your children.
Isn't that really the issue(s). If you took the alcohol away and he just displayed those behaviours as a matter of course, would that be ok?
Anyway, just food for thought. You are moving forward, doing the next right thing for yourself, you're on the right path.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 66
I often have similar thoughts of "is it really that bad" or, I will read the story of someone who had it "worse" than me and think, well, he hasnt done that!!! it's not that bad!!! A few thoughts on this...
I have read that is what addicts say to themselves when trying to rationalize more of their drinking. "Well, I've never gotten fired." " I've never actually hit the wife, just held her down!" you get the idea. I can see its faulty thinking in them. And I need to recognize the same faulty thinking in myself
it's not a contest
if im unhappy, it doesnt matter how much he drinks. Im unhappy, so something needs to change. If I determine the actions that are happening and have happened arent acceptable; that's it right there. Not 30 cans versus 24 versus some tall boys or how many bottles. That's not seeing the forest for the trees. That's us not being ready to make a change, which is ok, but not ready because we aren't ready, not because 24 cans is less than 30 and he has only gotten arrested once not twice or 3 times.
unacceptable behavior is unacceptable behavior and i am going to leave before I find out how unacceptable we are both willing to let it get to. (because what has happened already is more than enough for me).
I have read that is what addicts say to themselves when trying to rationalize more of their drinking. "Well, I've never gotten fired." " I've never actually hit the wife, just held her down!" you get the idea. I can see its faulty thinking in them. And I need to recognize the same faulty thinking in myself
it's not a contest
if im unhappy, it doesnt matter how much he drinks. Im unhappy, so something needs to change. If I determine the actions that are happening and have happened arent acceptable; that's it right there. Not 30 cans versus 24 versus some tall boys or how many bottles. That's not seeing the forest for the trees. That's us not being ready to make a change, which is ok, but not ready because we aren't ready, not because 24 cans is less than 30 and he has only gotten arrested once not twice or 3 times.
unacceptable behavior is unacceptable behavior and i am going to leave before I find out how unacceptable we are both willing to let it get to. (because what has happened already is more than enough for me).
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I can totally relate to this!
It took my thinking a long time, even after divorce, to come around to what I would consider normal. I agree with what someone said above, it's helpful to look at the relationship as a total, not just that one issue. And also apply how it will affect your child/children in the future. I can say that is what pushed me to keep my boundaries clear, in that I have children and the day they were conceived my #1 duty in life became to protect them first. Nothing else above that. It has also helped me to say to myself, what would I tell my own children if they were in this situation. That usually makes it pretty clear.
You are doing great!
It took my thinking a long time, even after divorce, to come around to what I would consider normal. I agree with what someone said above, it's helpful to look at the relationship as a total, not just that one issue. And also apply how it will affect your child/children in the future. I can say that is what pushed me to keep my boundaries clear, in that I have children and the day they were conceived my #1 duty in life became to protect them first. Nothing else above that. It has also helped me to say to myself, what would I tell my own children if they were in this situation. That usually makes it pretty clear.
You are doing great!
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
If they're trying to minimize a detrimental situation it's a detrimental situation. They're rationalizing which is common among alcoholics and addicts. They also tend to look for validation ie no negative reactions to their behavior/personal choices.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California
Posts: 143
Originally Posted by thequest 
If they're trying to minimize a detrimental situation it's a detrimental situation.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California
Posts: 143
Originally Posted by hopeful4
I can totally relate to this!
It took my thinking a long time, even after divorce, to come around to what I would consider normal. I agree with what someone said above, it's helpful to look at the relationship as a total, not just that one issue. And also apply how it will affect your child/children in the future. I can say that is what pushed me to keep my boundaries clear, in that I have children and the day they were conceived my #1 duty in life became to protect them first. Nothing else above that. It has also helped me to say to myself, what would I tell my own children if they were in this situation. That usually makes it pretty clear.
You are doing great!
It took my thinking a long time, even after divorce, to come around to what I would consider normal. I agree with what someone said above, it's helpful to look at the relationship as a total, not just that one issue. And also apply how it will affect your child/children in the future. I can say that is what pushed me to keep my boundaries clear, in that I have children and the day they were conceived my #1 duty in life became to protect them first. Nothing else above that. It has also helped me to say to myself, what would I tell my own children if they were in this situation. That usually makes it pretty clear.
You are doing great!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California
Posts: 143
Originally Posted by the1975jen
it's not a contest
if im unhappy, it doesnt matter how much he drinks. Im unhappy, so something needs to change. If I determine the actions that are happening and have happened arent acceptable; that's it right there. Not 30 cans versus 24 versus some tall boys or how many bottles. That's not seeing the forest for the trees. That's us not being ready to make a change, which is ok, but not ready because we aren't ready, not because 24 cans is less than 30 and he has only gotten arrested once not twice or 3 times.
unacceptable behavior is unacceptable behavior and i am going to leave before I find out how unacceptable we are both willing to let it get to. (because what has happened already is more than enough for me).
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