RAMBLER

My AH is drunk again today. This is the 4th day out of the last 5 that he has been drunk. He got out of his 2nd stint in rehab, was all positive, then drank 4 days after getting out.

I FINALLY realized that I cannot do anything to make him quit drinking, and have been successful at detaching myself for the sake of my own health these past 3 days. But today, AH went to his first meeting with a therapist and he came home blotto. Could barely stand up.

I took his car keys away from him when he got home because I will not let him drive drunk. These past couple of hours he has been on the phone to his brother and 2 of his friends, things he likes to do when he's drunk. He told his brother he wants to talk to him and told him he'd be there at 7pm tonight. I told him he's not driving if he's still drunk. He says he'll be better by then. Sure.

Regarding his post-rehab commitments, AH tried to get into an IOP but they don't take his insurance. That got him even more depressed. Today I offered to help him to find an IOP that takes his insurance but he refused my help. He wanted to go to a SMART meeting yesterday but I wouldn't let him drive drunk then either. AA is NOT a good match for him -- every time he goes to a meeting, he comes home totally depressed and usually drunk.

His drinking is getting worse all the time. He is completely depressed. I THINK WE ARE AT ROCK BOTTOM HERE.

Right now I feel my old feelings coming back -- I want to help him so desperately. I'm making snide remarks to him again. He just went out for a walk because I took the car keys. I'm a wreck...trying to muster up that strength I found a few days ago.

SorNS

Wombaticus

It does sound like rock bottom - perhaps for you more than him. We cannot stop someone from behaving the way they do - we are powerless over the choices they make. We can only control ourselves. You talk about looking after him and getting him help. Are you caring for yourself? Can you go and live somewhere else for a few days - with a friend or family? This might give you a chance to think about your next move. Stay strong and keep writing on here. We all care about what you are going through.

Sasha1972

It sounds like a very tough time, watching him fall apart. But you are doing the right thing. Good for you going out for a walk to physically remove yourself from the (impossible) situation.

RAMBLER

Thank you all for your replies. They're helping me a lot.

A new revelation occurred to me today; when AH was in rehab 2 weeks ago they gave him Effexor for depression. I looked up interactions between Effexor and alcohol and it is a dangerous combo. I'm not trying to make excuses for AH's behavior, but I believe the drug is making him MORE depressed because he's drinking. I know he's not going to stop drinking, but I believe he needs to get off the Effexor for now. Same thing happened to him in December when he was put on Sertraline. I have a call in to his doctor right now who will call me back to tell us how to wean AH off of the Effexor.

Hopefully this will get him out of this deep depression so that he can function and help himself.

**sigh** This sucks.

BlownOne

I was on Effexor for years when I was drinking. Didn't make me depressed but didn't help either. Just kind of a waste. I hope you can find something that works.
My own guess is it's not the combination of the Effexor and the alcohol that's making him depressed. It's the progressive nature of the alcoholic disease that is making him depressed. That's what it does...

spiderqueen

I am so very sorry to hear about your situation. And boy does it sound familiar. My XABF would also come home plastered from AA meetings and therapy appointments. It was all just too much for him.

And it was my rock bottom. I had to let him go. But it was apparently not his rock bottom - he went on drinking for 5 more years after I left and died last year of liver failure.

I hope your AH can figure out how to save himself. In the mean time, there is a saying around here that I found very useful when I was in your shoes: Let go or be dragged.

I am sorry to be so harsh. You can ignore me if it's too much right now. But please stick around and keep posting. You are among friends.

SQ

RAMBLER

I am so sorry to hear about the nightmare you've been through. I love what you said -- "Let go or be dragged." I'm in the process of learning this. Sometimes I'm strong, sometimes I'm not. But TKU to everyone for the support.

RAMBLER

AH has always had a low tolerance to drugs. He had the same reactions when he was on sertraline -- totally unable to do ANYTHING -- almost catatonic. He is a different drunk when he's not on antidepressants. Such a torturous hamster wheel. I'm glad it works well for you.

RAMBLER

So sorry to hear you're on the same crazy train as so many of us here. I'm still learning how to detatch -- some days are better than others. Thank you for responding and I'm glad you're here.

RAMBLER

Thank you for your support. I just this week had the revelation that I can do NOTHING to stop my AH from drinking. I am working on detatching, sometime with more success than other times. As part of my learning curve I AM taking care of myself. For the past 5 days I've rejoined Weight Watchers (I'm a stress eater) and I'm back on the treadmill. Reading the stories from you and others in the same boat helps immensely.

RAMBLER

Thanks, Sasha1972. I am trying to concentrate on MY OWN health and so far, so good. The letting go is hard, but he needs to learn to do this on his own.

trailmix

It might be the Effexor, it might not, I guess after he weans off it you will see.

If this tends to happen after a "failure" at rehab/getting sober, it could just be unhappiness at that - a natural progression.

What you are doing right now is putting out fires. Taking his keys away, telling him he can't drive, calling his doctor. All of these things are good things but is that your role in life, caretaker for the alcoholic? This isn't really him doing this "on his own".

He needs professional help IF he wants it.

dandylion

RAMBLER...….I am giving you the following link to an article from out Classic Readings section (in the stickies, at top of the main page)….As I think it is a pretty good yardstick.
Did you know that we have over 100 excellent articles about alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones.....in the Classic Readings section? Enough for you to read one every single day...lol....You can find a wealth of information and inspiration, there....
Knowledge is power.....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)

by the way....for what it is worth...I take blaming AA for one's drinking is a red flag that the person is not, yet, committed to sobriety.....
Just saying....

RAMBLER

Oh, he DEFINITELY needs professional help. He saw a therapist today. Has group therapy Friday. He signed up for an IOP but they don't take our insurance. I was going to encourage him to get into a new IOP today, but he was too drunk. I'll try again tomorrow while he's sober.

RAMBLER

Thanks, dandylion. I spent hours reading Classic Readings and forums since the weekend. There is some awesome stuff in there...gave me the courage to relinquish responsibility for AH's drinking.

I believe what you said about him not yet committed to sobriety. He's definitely not anywhere near there yet. He just doesn't feel at AA is a good fit for him. Not into the religious aspects and he came out of the meetings more depressed than he was when he went in. Like all approaches to sobriety, what works for one person might not work for another.

trailmix

I see you doing all the work here while he drinks.

Are you absolutely sure he even wants to quit? What does he have to say about it.

Was this a boundary you set, as in, quit or this relationship is over or has he expressed any interest in doing this himself.

As dandylion mentions, he doesn't sound like someone who is interested in quitting, at all.

That's very true. On the other hand, if he's not interested in quitting, AA would definitely be depressing. It would be like you attending WW meetings but continuing to eat as normal. You get to watch your weight going up every week while not really committing to cutting down/exercising.

That's just demoralizing. He perhaps just sits in those meetings waiting to get to the next drink.

FallenAngelina

There really is no such thing as rock bottom, there's just a point at which a person decides to do something different and something better. Things don't turn around because they can't get worse, things turn around when a person chooses to turn things around. Things can always get even worse and things can always get better - it's choice for each of us.

Awal

Maybe its time to put all your efforts into your own life? He has choices and is obviously making them. You have choices too...make the choice to look after yourself, because if you don't no one else will. Xx

FeelingGreat

You may put his drinking down to depression, but in reality he's addicted, like every other A. The rehab people are probably quite knowledgeable about drug interactions with alcohol too, so I wouldn't assume Effexor is the wrong drug for him.

I myself was drinking and taking Effexor. When I stopped drinking it didn't make any difference to the effect of the drug, but that's just me.