Am I making too big a deal out of his drinking?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California
Posts: 143
Am I making too big a deal out of his drinking?
Hi, it's been a long while since I've been here. But I know it is time to seek support rather than isolating as I have tended to do. I'm going to try an Al-Anon meeting tonight.
I'm coming up on 20 years of marriage. We started out as the best of drinking buddies. I quit alcohol in 2014 when our kids were 7 an 4. He did not quit. He has cut back compared to where we were a decade ago, but he completely dismisses my concern the few times I have had the courage to bring it up over the last few years. His drinking has always concerned me and I can no longer be in an intimate relationship with a heavy drinker. I moved out of our bedroom last week.
Still, I am so internally conflicted - is his drinking really a problem or am I just making too big a deal out of some occasional heavy drinking? I feel so lost. I feel so uncertain. Am I making a big deal of something that is, in reality, not a big deal? He doesn't drink hard liquor too often. Don't a lot of people go through a 12-pack and a few bottles of wine on the weekends? Some weekends, it's a six-pack and a bottle of wine, some weekends it's a 12-pack and a couple bottles of wine. Most week nights he doesn't drink, but sometimes he'll drink a six-pack. Then, last week since his dad - who religiously drinks a large glass of wine with dinner and sometimes more when visiting with DH - was visiting last week, it was 1-2 bottles per night. There are no DUIs. There is no verbal, physical, or emotional abuse - there is emotional unavailability and refusal to communicate, but no abuse. There are a few hidden wine bottles, but no gallons of vodka. There were 3 individual-sized vodka bottles and I think they were from a trip he took a long time ago. (I know that looking for hidden bottles is insanity but I guess that's just kind of where I'm at.) There are no missed days from work due to hangovers, just sluggish weekends, grumpiness. In fact, he just got a raise and it's clear that his boss regards him very highly. There's no drinking in the morning. There's no staying out late at bars - he does most of his drinking on weekend evenings alone after the boys have gone to bed (I realize that drinking alone is a bad sign).
Regardless of whether he has a problem, I know that I do. Moving out of our bedroom was a huge step for me. I feel that I am on a new path now. But it is foggy and I don't know where I am going. I am hoping I can begin to work on figuring myself out through Alanon. Okay, thanks for reading.
I'm coming up on 20 years of marriage. We started out as the best of drinking buddies. I quit alcohol in 2014 when our kids were 7 an 4. He did not quit. He has cut back compared to where we were a decade ago, but he completely dismisses my concern the few times I have had the courage to bring it up over the last few years. His drinking has always concerned me and I can no longer be in an intimate relationship with a heavy drinker. I moved out of our bedroom last week.
Still, I am so internally conflicted - is his drinking really a problem or am I just making too big a deal out of some occasional heavy drinking? I feel so lost. I feel so uncertain. Am I making a big deal of something that is, in reality, not a big deal? He doesn't drink hard liquor too often. Don't a lot of people go through a 12-pack and a few bottles of wine on the weekends? Some weekends, it's a six-pack and a bottle of wine, some weekends it's a 12-pack and a couple bottles of wine. Most week nights he doesn't drink, but sometimes he'll drink a six-pack. Then, last week since his dad - who religiously drinks a large glass of wine with dinner and sometimes more when visiting with DH - was visiting last week, it was 1-2 bottles per night. There are no DUIs. There is no verbal, physical, or emotional abuse - there is emotional unavailability and refusal to communicate, but no abuse. There are a few hidden wine bottles, but no gallons of vodka. There were 3 individual-sized vodka bottles and I think they were from a trip he took a long time ago. (I know that looking for hidden bottles is insanity but I guess that's just kind of where I'm at.) There are no missed days from work due to hangovers, just sluggish weekends, grumpiness. In fact, he just got a raise and it's clear that his boss regards him very highly. There's no drinking in the morning. There's no staying out late at bars - he does most of his drinking on weekend evenings alone after the boys have gone to bed (I realize that drinking alone is a bad sign).
Regardless of whether he has a problem, I know that I do. Moving out of our bedroom was a huge step for me. I feel that I am on a new path now. But it is foggy and I don't know where I am going. I am hoping I can begin to work on figuring myself out through Alanon. Okay, thanks for reading.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
As a marriage partner, parent and protector of my children it's been important to make a big deal about my husband's drinking. I'm not against my husband. I am for having healthy relationships and environments.
Alcoholism lies to us as friends and family as much as it does to the person who's drinking. Posting here, Al-anon meetings and reaching out in other healthy ways such as Celebrate Recovery, domestic abuse help centers and Alateen/Alakid programs for our children can help create new, unexpected good things in our lives.
Emotional and verbal abuse are every bit as damaging as physical abuse.
Alcoholism lies to us as friends and family as much as it does to the person who's drinking. Posting here, Al-anon meetings and reaching out in other healthy ways such as Celebrate Recovery, domestic abuse help centers and Alateen/Alakid programs for our children can help create new, unexpected good things in our lives.
Emotional and verbal abuse are every bit as damaging as physical abuse.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
PerSe…….lol...you remind me of a defense attorney arguing FOR his client in front of a jury.....
I would say that if it is interfering with your own healthy functioning....it is a big deal....
for me, if something is interfering with the intimacy, emotional availability and basic communication, in my marriage...I would say that it is a big honking problem.
The amount that you say that he is drinking...is way beyond, "normal" controlled social drinking.....
I would say that if it is interfering with your own healthy functioning....it is a big deal....
for me, if something is interfering with the intimacy, emotional availability and basic communication, in my marriage...I would say that it is a big honking problem.
The amount that you say that he is drinking...is way beyond, "normal" controlled social drinking.....
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
PerSe….I suggest that you go back and read through all of your old threads....
If you click on your name...to the left hand side of your posts....there is a drop-down menu. Select the one that says previous threads.
Absolutely...go to alanon and return to your therapist. It was brought up, about Adult Children of Alcoholics....and, you felt that you had many of those characteristics....you can get their literature and their BIg Book on amazon.com.
What about alateen for the kids...they are at very critical ages, just now....on the cusp of teen years.....this is, often, when the damaging effects of alcoholism in the home, begin to be acted out....You can be sure that they are much more aware than you may assume. All parents tend to underestimate how aware children are, of what goes on around them...…
We have a great library of articles on the effects of alcohol on the loved ones....contained in our Stickies section. Over 100 excellent articles! Enoough for you to read one every single day. It is called the "Classic Readings". I am goin to give you the following link, for your convenience....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
I think it is so important to educate yourself as much as possible.
Knowledge is power.
If you click on your name...to the left hand side of your posts....there is a drop-down menu. Select the one that says previous threads.
Absolutely...go to alanon and return to your therapist. It was brought up, about Adult Children of Alcoholics....and, you felt that you had many of those characteristics....you can get their literature and their BIg Book on amazon.com.
What about alateen for the kids...they are at very critical ages, just now....on the cusp of teen years.....this is, often, when the damaging effects of alcoholism in the home, begin to be acted out....You can be sure that they are much more aware than you may assume. All parents tend to underestimate how aware children are, of what goes on around them...…
We have a great library of articles on the effects of alcohol on the loved ones....contained in our Stickies section. Over 100 excellent articles! Enoough for you to read one every single day. It is called the "Classic Readings". I am goin to give you the following link, for your convenience....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
I think it is so important to educate yourself as much as possible.
Knowledge is power.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
He doesn't drink hard liquor too often. Don't a lot of people go through a 12-pack and a few bottles of wine on the weekends?
There are a few hidden wine bottles, but no gallons of vodka.
Regardless of whether he has a problem, I know that I do.
You've made a boundary and I think that's a really good start, you aren't going to pretend everything is A-OK and just go along with it. You are physically (and no doubt mentally) detaching from him, which is a healthy move for you imo.
I read a few of your other threads. His behaviour toward your children is alcoholic Dad 101. Nice Dad after a few drinks but impatient when "sober" and demoralizing to kids.
Never underestimate what this does to a child's development and their security.
In my opinion the MOST important thing a child can have in parents is consistency/security. Basically, until you are out on your own you are reliant on these two people for your welfare. If the rug is constantly being pulled out from under your feet by one of them, where does that leave them. Generally with huge coping mechanisms which are complicated when applied to "normal" relationships.
They may not bring it up to you, they may discuss it between themselves, or not. Children raised in that environment may not be happy about it but it is their normal. Being treated badly sometimes, Mom being treated poorly, this is the example they see of how a relationship works and they will carry that forward in to their relationships.
Glad you are going to Al-Anon, hope you find a really supportive group.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
It is true that alcoholism isn't defined by the quantity of alcohol consumed but by the place that the consumption of alcohol occupies in a person's life.
Even so, one person consuming a twelve-pack of beer and several (not one) bottles of wine over two days on a weekend plus a bottle of wine each weekday night is a heck of a lot of alcohol. It's an unhealthy amount.
It sounds like he is gradually ramping up his intake of alcohol towards where he was a decade ago. If he's hiding bottles of alcohol, he knows that the amount he's drinking is not normal but he doesn't want to stop (and hidden liquor bottles are like cockroaches - for every one you see, there are probably five or six you're missing).
It sounds like the consequences of alcoholic drinking are starting to catch up with him - his wife moved out of the bedroom (and he keeps drinking), his mood is affected (and he keeps drinking). He's not drinking in the mornings, yet. His work performance may be the last thing to go. My impression is that work is often the last place where "high-functioning" alcoholics actually function, after their home life and social life has been given over to drinking.
I think going to Al Anon is a very good idea.
Even so, one person consuming a twelve-pack of beer and several (not one) bottles of wine over two days on a weekend plus a bottle of wine each weekday night is a heck of a lot of alcohol. It's an unhealthy amount.
It sounds like he is gradually ramping up his intake of alcohol towards where he was a decade ago. If he's hiding bottles of alcohol, he knows that the amount he's drinking is not normal but he doesn't want to stop (and hidden liquor bottles are like cockroaches - for every one you see, there are probably five or six you're missing).
It sounds like the consequences of alcoholic drinking are starting to catch up with him - his wife moved out of the bedroom (and he keeps drinking), his mood is affected (and he keeps drinking). He's not drinking in the mornings, yet. His work performance may be the last thing to go. My impression is that work is often the last place where "high-functioning" alcoholics actually function, after their home life and social life has been given over to drinking.
I think going to Al Anon is a very good idea.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
I was where you are at about 4 years a ago and also a few years before that, and a few years before that. I have to get my kids to bed now and will say more tomorrow, but I wanted to say at least that.
If he had one drink, and it's too much for you, then it is too much. It doesn't matter how he drinks compared to others. The fact that you moved out of the bedroom is a sign. Find peace and solitude in your own space. Do you feel safe in the home?
If he had one drink, and it's too much for you, then it is too much. It doesn't matter how he drinks compared to others. The fact that you moved out of the bedroom is a sign. Find peace and solitude in your own space. Do you feel safe in the home?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
I can very much relate to most of your story. My XRAH was high functioning but really only at work. And even though he didn’t go to work drunk for the most part, he has had his moments, mostly at night when he had call. He was lucky enough to never have gotten into any problems at work.
What I didn’t realize until he went to rehab was that there is no such thing as a functional alcoholic. He functions at work (for the time being) but doesn’t function at home. I thought the same as you, he doesn’t abuse me physically or verbally and my life isn’t so bad. He is great at his job and he is overall kind. But in retrospect he was emotionally abusive and neglectful. He wouldn’t call me names or anything (which is why it was hard to understand that is would considered abuse) but he was manipulative and always grumpy and tired. But i was afraid to leave because of financial reasons but especially because I could not trust him with our child by himself. I figured it was better to stay and make sure she is safe then to leave and have split parenting time. She was 5 when he was at his worst so could fend for herself a little but not really from a safety aspect.
I was physically repulsed and I never got over that.
Your AH drinks a lot. Too much. They are so awesome at hiding it and minimizing how much they drink. Making you feel like you are the problem and not them (gaslight much?)
It is not goi g to get better. It may for a while but it will get worse. I had to let my XRAH spin completely out of control because I could no longer do the cycles of him quitting for a while because I asked him to and then he would start to drink socially before it would get out of hand again, quit rinse and repeat. I hit my rock bottom before he did. I was ready to walk out. He went to rehab and is doing well from a sobriety standpoint but our relationship was too damaged from my end.
At least he is sober and I can trust him with my kid. And she has a dad who is actually present because he wasn’t until he got sober. He had zero patience and was grumpy, she subconsciously learned not to do anything that might upset daddy. She didn’t learn until after he went to rehab what the problem was she just remembers him being tired all the time and falling asleep at all hours of the day.
He has a problem although it is not a problem for him, it is a problem for you and you cannot fix it. Do your kids know that he drinks too much? No one knew about my ex. Including his grown daughter who lived with us for a year and his nieces whom we raised. He was a master at keeping it hidden.
Your kids are old enough that they will notice but might not talk and keep it all to thmeselves. Which in turn will put them at risk for emotional issues that could lead to drinking as well. They told us the biggest predictor for kids not becoming an addict is that they learn healthy coping skills and communication skills while they are young. Being able to talk about concerns fears etc. And not everyone that keeps everything inside of them will become an addict (they will become a codependent like me
)but if the genetics are there they are at much higher risk.
If your kids are aware of the problem, check out the Betty Ford children’s program. It is for kids 7-12 and it is really awesome. My kid went when she was almost 7 and it was really good. They have programs in TX, CO and CA. They have a series of books that I think you can order if you are not in one of those states. They are really good for kids to understand addiction and feelings.
He is not emotionally there for you and he won’t be unless he gets clean. I did not realize how much I had been emotionally neglected but just kept plugging along to keep the family going. It isn’t good or healthy in the long run. For anyone, especially you and the kiddos. Hindsight is 20/20 and I was so clueless. You don’t realize how it doesn’t just affect you or him but how it affects the kids and the family. My X once said (the second to last time he quit) how he did not realize how isolating his problem was for me. Guess they just really don’t understand that it doesn’t just affect them. Of course he still went back to drinking so it was soon forgotten.
Definitely check out alanon but I also would really think about doing individual therapy for you, I know I needed a lot to come to terms with everything especially the fact that I just didn’t love him anymore. And that that was ok. There were plenty of things I needed to change myself, mostly to make sure I would not end up in another codependent relationship, by use I have been the queen of that my entire life. It will take a while to have the fog lift but you have made a step in the right direction. It took guts to get out of the bedroom.
I wish you the best of luck. It sucks, staying sucks, leaving sucks. But in the end you have to do what is right for you. Because if you aren’t happy anymore your kids will pick up on that as well. And even though my ex is still sober, I just couldn’t do it anymore and I am so much happier on my own even if it really sucks to have to give up a lot of parenting time (it is 50/50 whereas before he would barely do anything). I would have lost my sanity had I stayed.
You don’t have to make any major decisions today. Take your time and let the fog clear.
What I didn’t realize until he went to rehab was that there is no such thing as a functional alcoholic. He functions at work (for the time being) but doesn’t function at home. I thought the same as you, he doesn’t abuse me physically or verbally and my life isn’t so bad. He is great at his job and he is overall kind. But in retrospect he was emotionally abusive and neglectful. He wouldn’t call me names or anything (which is why it was hard to understand that is would considered abuse) but he was manipulative and always grumpy and tired. But i was afraid to leave because of financial reasons but especially because I could not trust him with our child by himself. I figured it was better to stay and make sure she is safe then to leave and have split parenting time. She was 5 when he was at his worst so could fend for herself a little but not really from a safety aspect.
I was physically repulsed and I never got over that.
Your AH drinks a lot. Too much. They are so awesome at hiding it and minimizing how much they drink. Making you feel like you are the problem and not them (gaslight much?)
It is not goi g to get better. It may for a while but it will get worse. I had to let my XRAH spin completely out of control because I could no longer do the cycles of him quitting for a while because I asked him to and then he would start to drink socially before it would get out of hand again, quit rinse and repeat. I hit my rock bottom before he did. I was ready to walk out. He went to rehab and is doing well from a sobriety standpoint but our relationship was too damaged from my end.
At least he is sober and I can trust him with my kid. And she has a dad who is actually present because he wasn’t until he got sober. He had zero patience and was grumpy, she subconsciously learned not to do anything that might upset daddy. She didn’t learn until after he went to rehab what the problem was she just remembers him being tired all the time and falling asleep at all hours of the day.
He has a problem although it is not a problem for him, it is a problem for you and you cannot fix it. Do your kids know that he drinks too much? No one knew about my ex. Including his grown daughter who lived with us for a year and his nieces whom we raised. He was a master at keeping it hidden.
Your kids are old enough that they will notice but might not talk and keep it all to thmeselves. Which in turn will put them at risk for emotional issues that could lead to drinking as well. They told us the biggest predictor for kids not becoming an addict is that they learn healthy coping skills and communication skills while they are young. Being able to talk about concerns fears etc. And not everyone that keeps everything inside of them will become an addict (they will become a codependent like me
)but if the genetics are there they are at much higher risk. If your kids are aware of the problem, check out the Betty Ford children’s program. It is for kids 7-12 and it is really awesome. My kid went when she was almost 7 and it was really good. They have programs in TX, CO and CA. They have a series of books that I think you can order if you are not in one of those states. They are really good for kids to understand addiction and feelings.
He is not emotionally there for you and he won’t be unless he gets clean. I did not realize how much I had been emotionally neglected but just kept plugging along to keep the family going. It isn’t good or healthy in the long run. For anyone, especially you and the kiddos. Hindsight is 20/20 and I was so clueless. You don’t realize how it doesn’t just affect you or him but how it affects the kids and the family. My X once said (the second to last time he quit) how he did not realize how isolating his problem was for me. Guess they just really don’t understand that it doesn’t just affect them. Of course he still went back to drinking so it was soon forgotten.
Definitely check out alanon but I also would really think about doing individual therapy for you, I know I needed a lot to come to terms with everything especially the fact that I just didn’t love him anymore. And that that was ok. There were plenty of things I needed to change myself, mostly to make sure I would not end up in another codependent relationship, by use I have been the queen of that my entire life. It will take a while to have the fog lift but you have made a step in the right direction. It took guts to get out of the bedroom.
I wish you the best of luck. It sucks, staying sucks, leaving sucks. But in the end you have to do what is right for you. Because if you aren’t happy anymore your kids will pick up on that as well. And even though my ex is still sober, I just couldn’t do it anymore and I am so much happier on my own even if it really sucks to have to give up a lot of parenting time (it is 50/50 whereas before he would barely do anything). I would have lost my sanity had I stayed.
You don’t have to make any major decisions today. Take your time and let the fog clear.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California
Posts: 143
Thank you all so much for all the replies. Every single one is helping me. I went to an Alanon meeting last night and the energy of the group was just really - what's the word - beautiful, good, deep, meaningful. I'll definitely be going back. Maybe next time I'll have the courage to stay and talk afterward. I do have a therapist now and I am so grateful to have her to talk to, but I'm not sure how familiar she is with alcoholism as a family disease.
It was just this last New Year's Eve that I once again mustered the courage to say my peace to my husband about his drinking. I was really calm, non-accusational, just stating that his drinking was a problem, that it was causing harm to him and to our relationship and to the family. I probably spoke for 2 minutes. It was all peaceful. But it was like my words evaporated into thin air. He did not respond in any way. He looked at me as I was saying these words, but he never replied, not a single word. The same evening we went to our neighbors' for a new year's gathering and he drank champagne. And now we are here. After 20+ years together, (coming up on 20 years of being married) I have moved out of our bedroom. I have never made such a symbolically significant move in any relationship. I am so unsettled that I have been constantly nauseated since I moved out.
I think we are on the road to divorce unless he chooses recovery. What I fear most is that he will, after a short bit of time, tell me that he will "cut back", and things will become even more unclear and I will feel even more uncertain of my footing. I am anticipating that. But he told me he would cut back 5 years ago. Even if he tells me he is choosing recovery, I will not move back into our room for a long while. I really need to clear my head and work through my harmful though patterns to see clearly. And I know that means getting involved in Alanon and committing to recovery myself.
I read that article about "in between" in the Classic Readings. That was so incredibly helpful. I am in between. I am on a bridge but I cannot see the other side.
Thank you again to everyone who replied. Your words are helping so much right now.
It was just this last New Year's Eve that I once again mustered the courage to say my peace to my husband about his drinking. I was really calm, non-accusational, just stating that his drinking was a problem, that it was causing harm to him and to our relationship and to the family. I probably spoke for 2 minutes. It was all peaceful. But it was like my words evaporated into thin air. He did not respond in any way. He looked at me as I was saying these words, but he never replied, not a single word. The same evening we went to our neighbors' for a new year's gathering and he drank champagne. And now we are here. After 20+ years together, (coming up on 20 years of being married) I have moved out of our bedroom. I have never made such a symbolically significant move in any relationship. I am so unsettled that I have been constantly nauseated since I moved out.
I think we are on the road to divorce unless he chooses recovery. What I fear most is that he will, after a short bit of time, tell me that he will "cut back", and things will become even more unclear and I will feel even more uncertain of my footing. I am anticipating that. But he told me he would cut back 5 years ago. Even if he tells me he is choosing recovery, I will not move back into our room for a long while. I really need to clear my head and work through my harmful though patterns to see clearly. And I know that means getting involved in Alanon and committing to recovery myself.
I read that article about "in between" in the Classic Readings. That was so incredibly helpful. I am in between. I am on a bridge but I cannot see the other side.
Thank you again to everyone who replied. Your words are helping so much right now.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
Did you see the post from one of Melody Beattie's readings as well? In part:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-recovery.html (Letting go of those not in recovery)
We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: Warmth, light and healing from our pain. We could barely glimpse, or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.
We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn't listen. They couldn't see it; they couldn't believe. They were not ready for the journey. We decided to go alone, because we believed, and because people on the other side were cheering us onward. The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see, and feel, that what we had been promised was real. There was light, warmth, healing and love. The other side was a better place.
But now, there is a bridge between us and those on the other side. Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done. No one can be dragged or forced accross this bridge. Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right. Some will come; some will stay on the other side. The choice is not ours.
We can love them. We can wave to them. We can holler back and forth. We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us. But we cannot make them come over with us.
If our time has come to cross the bridge, or if we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty. It is where we are meant to be. We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another's time has not yet come.
The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reassures others that there is a better place. And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.
Today, I will move forward with my life, despite what others are doing or not doing. I will know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave others behind to do that. I will not feel guilty, I will not feel ashamed. I know that where I am now is a better place and where I am meant to be.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-recovery.html (Letting go of those not in recovery)
We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: Warmth, light and healing from our pain. We could barely glimpse, or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.
We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn't listen. They couldn't see it; they couldn't believe. They were not ready for the journey. We decided to go alone, because we believed, and because people on the other side were cheering us onward. The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see, and feel, that what we had been promised was real. There was light, warmth, healing and love. The other side was a better place.
But now, there is a bridge between us and those on the other side. Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done. No one can be dragged or forced accross this bridge. Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right. Some will come; some will stay on the other side. The choice is not ours.
We can love them. We can wave to them. We can holler back and forth. We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us. But we cannot make them come over with us.
If our time has come to cross the bridge, or if we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty. It is where we are meant to be. We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another's time has not yet come.
The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reassures others that there is a better place. And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.
Today, I will move forward with my life, despite what others are doing or not doing. I will know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave others behind to do that. I will not feel guilty, I will not feel ashamed. I know that where I am now is a better place and where I am meant to be.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
I have always loved the above passages, by Melody Beattie.....
I have never heard it explained better.....
For those who are reading, here, and don't yet know--Melody Beattie's book..."Co-Dependent No More" is possibly one of the most recommended books on this forum.....It is really a classic in recovery circles....it is an easy read and I highly recommend it.....
I have never heard it explained better.....
For those who are reading, here, and don't yet know--Melody Beattie's book..."Co-Dependent No More" is possibly one of the most recommended books on this forum.....It is really a classic in recovery circles....it is an easy read and I highly recommend it.....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
PerSe, in addition to codependent no more I would also highly recommend the documentary Pleasure Unwoven. They showed it to us during family week in rehab and it explains addiction very well and in layman’s term, especially the part where the addict can never drink again. Each time they start it is like they never stopped, no matter how long they were sober in between.
I hope that your therapist has a background in addiction, because addiction makes problems a lot more complicated. When my ex was in rehab they recommended therapists with an addiction background both individually and for marriage counseling.
Glad you found a good àlanon group on your first try.
Also even if your AH decided to get clean today, it is a long process. Very long process. My XRAH was sent to rehab for 90 days and he needed every single minute of it. Not to stop drinking because he had quit 2 weeks before he went to rehab. But to learn new coping skills and to understand how manipulative he was. Without it I am not sure he would have made it as far as far as changing his ways, or it would have taken a long long time. And I naively thought that if he quit drinking everything would be fine. But it doesn’t work that way quite either. Too much damage to the relationship. And if people can overcome that it still takes a lot of time. Both the AP and the non AP have to change and that is not always compatible anymore. It is like you have to learn who each other is all over again.
It doesn’t sound like he is ready to quit, which is unfortunate. That’s why you need to take care of you and your kiddos. You cannot fix him. Even if he was ready to quit, he still has to do it on his own.
I hope that your therapist has a background in addiction, because addiction makes problems a lot more complicated. When my ex was in rehab they recommended therapists with an addiction background both individually and for marriage counseling.
Glad you found a good àlanon group on your first try.
Also even if your AH decided to get clean today, it is a long process. Very long process. My XRAH was sent to rehab for 90 days and he needed every single minute of it. Not to stop drinking because he had quit 2 weeks before he went to rehab. But to learn new coping skills and to understand how manipulative he was. Without it I am not sure he would have made it as far as far as changing his ways, or it would have taken a long long time. And I naively thought that if he quit drinking everything would be fine. But it doesn’t work that way quite either. Too much damage to the relationship. And if people can overcome that it still takes a lot of time. Both the AP and the non AP have to change and that is not always compatible anymore. It is like you have to learn who each other is all over again.
It doesn’t sound like he is ready to quit, which is unfortunate. That’s why you need to take care of you and your kiddos. You cannot fix him. Even if he was ready to quit, he still has to do it on his own.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
PerSe, you have described my situation. Constantly second guessing yourself, being hyperalert, feeling guilty when you talk about the problem with orhers and then they are really nice for the next few days. I have some reminders of when things have gone wrong - the stain on the rug where his (also alcoholic friend) spilt red wine, the spots on the concrete floor where the blood from a small cut on his foot wasn't noticed until the morning etc. The drinking is just one part of it. The social withdrawal, hiding empties until recycling day, drinking alone and not joining in with family activities... thats where i see the main problem. Alcohol is a weird crutch to get through the week. I hate it sooooooo much. Take care. X
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Originally Posted by PerSe 
But he told me he would cut back 5 years ago. Even if he tells me he is choosing recovery, I will not move back into our room for a long while.
The only thing that you should pay attention to are his actions. And so far, those actions speak volumes about his lack of commitment to his health and the well-being of your marriage.
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PerSe….I would like to underline what Spiderqueen said about words....
This is sooo basic....and, could save you from grasping at false hope....Always, always believe the actions and not the words, when dealing with an alcoholic.....
Personally, I have many scars...one for every time I held on to the words without waiting for the actions to back them up.....lol....
This is sooo basic....and, could save you from grasping at false hope....Always, always believe the actions and not the words, when dealing with an alcoholic.....
Personally, I have many scars...one for every time I held on to the words without waiting for the actions to back them up.....lol....
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Hi PerSe,
if you think it’s a problem then it is a problem. The fact you’ve moved into another bedroom and feel on another path, highlights how his heavy drinking is affecting your marriage. Also children notice things and they might be wondering why.
Would it be helpful to perhaps seek marriage counselling? I’m just thinking maybe that way it could open a dialog but with a counsellor present. When it’s said out loud and with another person present perhaps it could be a wake call for him? And help save your marriage.
I hope he stops drinking and starts to listen to you.
But I think if his drinking is affecting you to point you can’t sleep in the same room as him, then the answer is absolutely yes you are right to be concerned about his drinking and I hope he wakes up to that fact ASAP and starts putting things right.
if you think it’s a problem then it is a problem. The fact you’ve moved into another bedroom and feel on another path, highlights how his heavy drinking is affecting your marriage. Also children notice things and they might be wondering why.
Would it be helpful to perhaps seek marriage counselling? I’m just thinking maybe that way it could open a dialog but with a counsellor present. When it’s said out loud and with another person present perhaps it could be a wake call for him? And help save your marriage.
I hope he stops drinking and starts to listen to you.
But I think if his drinking is affecting you to point you can’t sleep in the same room as him, then the answer is absolutely yes you are right to be concerned about his drinking and I hope he wakes up to that fact ASAP and starts putting things right.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Star222 marriage counseling is usually not recommended when they are still actively drinking because as long as they are drinking working on the marriage is not their priority and thus counseling is not helpful. They have to have worked on themselves before they can start on their marriage.
What I ended up doing was I wrote him a 4 pages letter explaining how I could no longer do this and what his drinking had done to us and the family and given him several examples. I left it next to him on the couch as he was passed out.... he didn’t even see it until after he had gone to bed and then gotten up again in the middle of the night. I think it was helpful because he had time to really think about it and reread it when he was sober. It worked with him because he ended up being at the point where he felt he could no longer go on like this and also because I told him I could no longer do it and that I was willing to give him one mor chance. So all the stars ligned up I guess.
I think if he isn’t ready to quit nothing or no one will change his mind. But a letter might at least make him think about it a little harder. For me it was much better because I could think about what I said. That way I did not start rambling like I would have had I done it in person. And he had time to process and think about it before responding.
What I ended up doing was I wrote him a 4 pages letter explaining how I could no longer do this and what his drinking had done to us and the family and given him several examples. I left it next to him on the couch as he was passed out.... he didn’t even see it until after he had gone to bed and then gotten up again in the middle of the night. I think it was helpful because he had time to really think about it and reread it when he was sober. It worked with him because he ended up being at the point where he felt he could no longer go on like this and also because I told him I could no longer do it and that I was willing to give him one mor chance. So all the stars ligned up I guess.
I think if he isn’t ready to quit nothing or no one will change his mind. But a letter might at least make him think about it a little harder. For me it was much better because I could think about what I said. That way I did not start rambling like I would have had I done it in person. And he had time to process and think about it before responding.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California
Posts: 143
Sleepyhollo, thanks so much for all your replies. The letter may be a way to go. My therapist also suggested writing a letter, but mainly to explain to him why I moved out of our room. So I did that and I still need to give him the letter. It's mainly to tell him "I can no longer be in an intimate relationship with a heavy drinker" and invite him to talk with me when/if he is ready. I also asked if he would be willing to do couple's therapy (I have asked him two times in the past if he would be willing to go to couple's therapy and it was a flat out cold "no"). So my letter wasn't an outpouring of all the ways I am affected by his drinking, just an informative (why I moved out) and invitation to talk. It's been 8 nights since I moved out and we have not talked about it. Not one word. After telling him my feelings about his drinking on New Year's Eve and having him completely ignore me (as in no acknowledgment of my words what. so. ever. ) I feel afraid of trying to talk with him again.
I have a consultation with a family law attorney this week. But right now - and I realize I don't have to decide anything right now - I just don't know if I have the stomach to go through with a divorce. I'm not working right now. We bought this house (that we can barely afford) 2.5 years ago. Boys are so well off socially with good friends on our block and with proximity to school. Ugh. Sorry - this is a lot mess to be putting out here.
Okay, I so very much appreciate all the replies to my post. I re-read these replies and my past posts and replies, as well as other people's posts, and the stickies a lot these days.
I have a consultation with a family law attorney this week. But right now - and I realize I don't have to decide anything right now - I just don't know if I have the stomach to go through with a divorce. I'm not working right now. We bought this house (that we can barely afford) 2.5 years ago. Boys are so well off socially with good friends on our block and with proximity to school. Ugh. Sorry - this is a lot mess to be putting out here.
Okay, I so very much appreciate all the replies to my post. I re-read these replies and my past posts and replies, as well as other people's posts, and the stickies a lot these days.
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