Acceptance vs "working on" issues.

Old 02-24-2019, 08:37 PM
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Acceptance vs "working on" issues.

I know that is as clear as mud lol Is acceptance of the damaging things that happened in your past, considered actively working on your recovery?

I was at a 9.5 out of 10 on how much more I could take. So I quit working on everything. I'm NOT working on....
-forgiving the A's (and their actions) in my life
-PTSD
-forgiving myself for staying so long.

I have accepted that these things happened in my life. I don't like that they did, those things seriously affected me, but those things did happen.

So that's my plan. Accepting that bad things happened, and if some issue comes up, I'll give it attention at that time. My 9.5 on the about-to-lose-it scale is now a 3 since I did that. I just......let it go.

I am still seeing my counselor, but we ran out of time to talk about this. Would you say Im still working on my recovery? To me, I am, I'm just going about it a different way. And I'm taking a much needed mental health break. Breathing sighs of relief, it feels good.

P.S. If you haven't tried yoga, please do, it's awesome!!!! There are tons of sit down yoga videos on YouTube.
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Old 02-24-2019, 09:02 PM
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I consider myself a newbie as far as the process of working through dealing with an alcoholic, because although I was married to one for several years, I’ve only very recently understood what was going on, seen how distractive the situation was, and extracted myself as much as I could. So I am not an expert on any of this stuff. I don’t know if there is some official definition of being “in recovery” or not.

but I will say, it seems to me that anything you are doing to try to get yourself to a place of strength where your life is headed in the right direction is actively improving your life. I am expecting eventually to forgive the soon to be ex husband, because being angry is exhausting and while it can be motivating for a while, isn’t really a good place to live. But I feel like I’m making leaps and bounds while I am in no way working on forgiving him at the moment, or digging into the trauma of the last couple of months before it all came to a head. I’m just getting out of “ fight for my life” mode since he signed the divorce papers. I’m spending my emotional energy trying to you understand some of what the hell happened and put it in some context.

If getting to a place of acceptance without necessarily actively digging back up all the BS, or trying to force yourself to forgiveness, both of which sound pretty exhausting, is helpful for you where you are at now then you are healing. Sometimes you have a higher tolerance for the hardest stuff, and sometimes you need to just take the little steps that feel doable. It sounds like you are actively doing what you need to be doing, and doing it at an intensity you are capable of at the moment. You can pick up your sword and charge out at the hardest stuff when you have that kind of fight in you. In the meantime, it sure sounds from the outside like you are working on healing.
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Old 02-25-2019, 03:44 AM
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Letting go of what we cant control, or even "not stressing over it until we are at a mental place to work through it"...is awesome I think! I'm new here but not new to alanon, and what i see is when something needs to be dealt with you will know. it will continue to pop up and rob you of your serenity. It makes sense letting go has brought relief, I think. after all arent you just practicing detachment and putting it in the hands of your hp? besides, some of it will just go.. and the issues you do need to work on will be there when you are ready
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Old 02-25-2019, 07:27 AM
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You know, still living with someone who has some issues with alcohol abuse is very stressful for me, and I find my ACOA desire to control his use really painfully uncomfortable quite often.

Not to mention how much it can tempt me to drink as well. But that's another issue.

I think stepping back as you still live with the person is healthy--it isn't a short term recovery when so many of the behaviors are still there even if he is working on them.

You've come a huge distance. Do more yoga and relax as you need--the issues will work themselves out over time.

I just started back to my hot yoga and one rigorous day or "regular" slow flow yoga, and it is life-changing. I second your endorsement!
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Old 02-25-2019, 03:07 PM
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Acceptance is a huge healing tool and I try to practice is in all matters. It's the first step in having a quiet mind.
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Old 02-25-2019, 06:00 PM
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Originally Posted by DiggingForFire View Post
I consider myself a newbie as far as the process of working through dealing with an alcoholic, because although I was married to one for several years, I’ve only very recently understood what was going on, seen how distractive the situation was, and extracted myself as much as I could. So I am not an expert on any of this stuff. I don’t know if there is some official definition of being “in recovery” or not.

but I will say, it seems to me that anything you are doing to try to get yourself to a place of strength where your life is headed in the right direction is actively improving your life. I am expecting eventually to forgive the soon to be ex husband, because being angry is exhausting and while it can be motivating for a while, isn’t really a good place to live. But I feel like I’m making leaps and bounds while I am in no way working on forgiving him at the moment, or digging into the trauma of the last couple of months before it all came to a head. I’m just getting out of “ fight for my life” mode since he signed the divorce papers. I’m spending my emotional energy trying to you understand some of what the hell happened and put it in some context.

If getting to a place of acceptance without necessarily actively digging back up all the BS, or trying to force yourself to forgiveness, both of which sound pretty exhausting, is helpful for you where you are at now then you are healing. Sometimes you have a higher tolerance for the hardest stuff, and sometimes you need to just take the little steps that feel doable. It sounds like you are actively doing what you need to be doing, and doing it at an intensity you are capable of at the moment. You can pick up your sword and charge out at the hardest stuff when you have that kind of fight in you. In the meantime, it sure sounds from the outside like you are working on healing.
Yes, anger does suck the life out of you. It took me 13 months to not be furious. 13 months! I like what you said about picking up the sword and charging at the hard stuff. Great visual.
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Old 02-25-2019, 06:04 PM
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Originally Posted by the1975jen View Post
Letting go of what we cant control, or even "not stressing over it until we are at a mental place to work through it"...is awesome I think! I'm new here but not new to alanon, and what i see is when something needs to be dealt with you will know. it will continue to pop up and rob you of your serenity. It makes sense letting go has brought relief, I think. after all arent you just practicing detachment and putting it in the hands of your hp? besides, some of it will just go.. and the issues you do need to work on will be there when you are ready
I like that, not stressing over it until I'm at a mental place to work through it. I'm just going through life, trying to stay in one day at a time mode, looking for the good in life, and taking it as it comes. The other way I was working my recovery wasn't working. I have no idea why I hung onto that so long.
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Old 02-25-2019, 06:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 View Post
You know, still living with someone who has some issues with alcohol abuse is very stressful for me, and I find my ACOA desire to control his use really painfully uncomfortable quite often.

Not to mention how much it can tempt me to drink as well. But that's another issue.

I think stepping back as you still live with the person is healthy--it isn't a short term recovery when so many of the behaviors are still there even if he is working on them.

You've come a huge distance. Do more yoga and relax as you need--the issues will work themselves out over time.

I just started back to my hot yoga and one rigorous day or "regular" slow flow yoga, and it is life-changing. I second your endorsement!
I've heard of hot yoga, I might try that one day when I've worked up more muscles. Sounds very stress relieving.
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Old 02-25-2019, 06:07 PM
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr View Post
Acceptance is a huge healing tool and I try to practice is in all matters. It's the first step in having a quiet mind.
It took me a long time to accept things. And you're right, it really does give you a quiet mind. Such a relief!
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Old 02-26-2019, 09:10 AM
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I enjoy yoga, hot yoga, meditation and sometimes using a folded blanket for weight and security. One of my yoga instructors encourages this at most of her classes.

I found a thin quilt with a heavy weight at a thrift store. My other blankets are comfy, cozy and soft. This quilt is cotton, has an organic feel and stitching and a home-luxury of a different kind. The weight of is a welcome comfort that speaks very naturally to healing.
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Old 02-26-2019, 03:00 PM
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I just want to add on a slightly different topic.

Rest and giving myself time for rejuvenation were part of what I needed to learn on this journey and continue to be part of my active recovery. I had to "work" to learn these crucial skills for a very long time.
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Old 02-26-2019, 03:23 PM
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery View Post
I just want to add on a slightly different topic.

Rest and giving myself time for rejuvenation were part of what I needed to learn on this journey and continue to be part of my active recovery. I had to "work" to learn these crucial skills for a very long time.
What does rest and rejuvenation look like for you? I have really upped my relaxing self care routine, and it helps a lot!
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Old 02-26-2019, 05:16 PM
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Wamama…..have you ever closely observed cats? Lol..I am serious. They know what rest and relaxation is about...more than any other creatures that I know.....they, actually, spend much of their day, doing so....yet, when necessary, they are capable of extremely intense kinetic energy and supreme alertness...even more than dogs....
I often watch my current cat take a bath and and nap, beside me....it is amazing how, just watching her, I can feel my own body relaxing ...I have heard that watching a cat relax can bring down a person's blood pressure....

Lol...I am wondering if we could teach cats to do yoga......think of how therapeutic they would be, then....! Hot Cat Yoga.....
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Old 02-27-2019, 06:52 AM
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Friend....acceptance is first and foremost! It leads to all the other healing that will come.

You are doing therapy. You are doing yoga. You are finding calm. You are sharing about all of this here at SR. Those are active steps to working on a better you. Don't get caught up in I need to do X next. Just do the things that make you feel a little better. The rest will come.

Great job!
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Old 02-27-2019, 08:59 AM
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery View Post
I just want to add on a slightly different topic.

Rest and giving myself time for rejuvenation were part of what I needed to learn on this journey and continue to be part of my active recovery. I had to "work" to learn these crucial skills for a very long time.
For a long time some of the stuff that helped me and I thought should come easy to me was actually work to learn how to do.

I had this idea in early recovery that I had to be pushing all the time and efforting at my recovery and I never gave myself time for rest and resulting integration.

I was not clear in my initial post but I think taking time and stepping back a little is recovery. I just had a hard time defining it as such for a long time.
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Old 02-27-2019, 09:25 AM
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Perhaps this is a natural progression in healing.

Initially you probably couldn't have just said - well i'll just let that go for now at least, it would have seemed unnatural and you would probably fight against that.

All the work you have been doing sorting this out is coming to fruition I think.

I like LifeRecovery's description of "resulting integration".

You don't really need to hold on to the past or the fear anymore because you know how to protect yourself and you are doing that. Isn't it great! I'm happy you are feeling lighter.
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Old 02-27-2019, 09:27 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Lol...I am wondering if we could teach cats to do yoga......think of how therapeutic they would be, then....! Hot Cat Yoga.....
lol because of your post dandylion I ended up looking at pictures of cats doing yoga! Apparently it's a thing, yoga with cats.

Who knew!
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Old 02-27-2019, 11:00 AM
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i remember a therapist telling me once that i have the absolute right to deal with what i choose to deal with, and to not deal with things i am not ready or willing to deal with. to force myself to dive into some issues that i am not equipped to handle would be damaging, not therapeutic or healing.
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Old 02-27-2019, 04:13 PM
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trailmix…..
Shut the front door!
Get out of town!

I was only making a joke about Cat Yoga...…!!!?

I guess the next thing will be yoga pants for cats......
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Old 02-27-2019, 10:02 PM
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Originally Posted by the1975jen View Post
Letting go of what we cant control, or even "not stressing over it until we are at a mental place to work through it"...is awesome I think! I'm new here but not new to alanon, and what i see is when something needs to be dealt with you will know. it will continue to pop up and rob you of your serenity. It makes sense letting go has brought relief, I think. after all arent you just practicing detachment and putting it in the hands of your hp? besides, some of it will just go.. and the issues you do need to work on will be there when you are ready
Thank you 1975jen. It's true, a little bit of it has just gone now that I've accepted things. Too bad the issues don't just disappear for all of us once we've accepted it.
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