Hello, and Question about Al-anon
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Join Date: Feb 2019
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Hello, and Question about Al-anon
Hello,
I’ve been reading the forum for a few days and I’ve seen some helpful perspectives here so I wanted to join and say hello and ask for your thoughts.
My very soon to be ex husband is an alcoholic. He was a very heavy drinker for a very long time, and after drinking himself into decompensated cirrhosis and acute alcoholic hepatitis last year in his early 40s, it became clear to me that limping the situation along any longer wasn’t going to happen. To that point, while I knew he was a pretty heavy drinker, the extent of it was hidden from me. He was manipulative and controlling toward me, to the point I would call it emotionally abusive, as he was constantly criticizing how I did everything, did almost nothing himself to take care of our family, and ridiculed and manipulated me into basically doing everything for him. Cutting me down sexually, totally dismissing my feelings and twisting every criticism I ever made into me being cruel to him when the opposite was true. Pretty classic BS. Honestly, while I’m sure the drinking made that behavior worse, I’m fairly certain that the abusive tendencies were not caused by the drinking, especially because he was perfectly able to act like a doting husband when anyone else was around and then treat me like crap in private, and was just as capable of pulling off that act when he was quite drunk as when he was nearly sober. A common story, every time I brought up the drinking, he would get mad, blah blah blah, and then his health started to deteriorate and I realized it was alcohol related, and then I realized he been hiding alcohol all over the house, at work, and his car, etc. when he nearly bled to death, and was vomiting uncontrollably and unable to stand, I finally managed to force him into the hospital. When he was ready to be released from the hospital after detoxing and somewhat stabilizing his liver, I told him he couldn’t come home and I insisted he went into a inpatient rehab.
he made it through two months of rehab, and has been out about 2 1/2 months and as far as I know isn’t drinking. He’s acting like he’s a brand new person and I am a quitter and a terrible human being for leaving, but I’ve had enough taking it in the teeth for him and I’m ready to do what I need to do for myself and to make sure that our daughter doesn’t grow up thinking that his conduct is what love is supposed to look like. She’s three.
Over the last couple of months, we have just now managed to come to an agreement regarding the divorce, which he has begged me to reconsider and I will not. Even if he never drinks again I’m pretty sure he still a terrible person for me.
As we were finalizing papers, he told me that while he’s not drinking now, he could see a time in the future where he could maybe have an occasional drink, and that he doesn’t actually think his life had become unmanageable, just that there were consequences to his actions that he did not want in his life. It sounds to me like he is setting himself up to forgive himself for going back to drinking. And if I can find a way to keep my daughter physically safe, I guess it’s his decision if he wants to put himself through that more. But it made me realize that despite his best intentions, this addiction is very likely to keep rolling into my life and my daughters. I was fairly certain that was true, but he made it pretty clear when he blew off the severity of his problem that was hours away from killing him.
Needless to say, this has been a very hard road, and while I am certain of my decision, it feels terrible and he has made me feel terrible for not sticking by him. Anyway, I have not availed myself of the family resources from the rehab he went to, nor have I gone to an Al-Anon meeting, because it seems to me like the approach is based on the idea that you can’t do anything about the situation. This is confusing to me – there is something I can do about the situation, and that is to remove myself from it and try to be a good parent and to take care of myself instead. Maybe it is just Google bias, but if you try googling “leaving your alcoholic spouse,“ let me tell you all of the answers are how you can in fact stick with them.
I feel pretty alone. I feel like I made a really difficult decision that was the right move for me, and I wouldn’t have done him any favors by letting him come home and drink himself to death on my couch. But whatever he chooses to do, I’m controlling what I can. Is there a place for someone like me at Al-Anon? Someone who doesn’t actually want to love the alcoholic anymore and is doing what she can to extract him from her life as far as she can while there is still a kid involved? I feel like his drinking is going to have ripple affect for me and my daughter for years, and I like the idea of having people to talk about it with, but if it means I need to admit that I am powerless over the situation, that just feels false to me. I do have power, and that power is to surround myself with people who don’t hurt me. Are the people who decided to not stick by the problem drinker in their life welcome? Do you think there’d be value?
Clearly I should not have read the “for wives” chapter in the AA book... The whole stand by your man who has destroyed your family approach was not consistent with my playbook.
Sorry for the super long first post! Thanks for your thoughts.
I’ve been reading the forum for a few days and I’ve seen some helpful perspectives here so I wanted to join and say hello and ask for your thoughts.
My very soon to be ex husband is an alcoholic. He was a very heavy drinker for a very long time, and after drinking himself into decompensated cirrhosis and acute alcoholic hepatitis last year in his early 40s, it became clear to me that limping the situation along any longer wasn’t going to happen. To that point, while I knew he was a pretty heavy drinker, the extent of it was hidden from me. He was manipulative and controlling toward me, to the point I would call it emotionally abusive, as he was constantly criticizing how I did everything, did almost nothing himself to take care of our family, and ridiculed and manipulated me into basically doing everything for him. Cutting me down sexually, totally dismissing my feelings and twisting every criticism I ever made into me being cruel to him when the opposite was true. Pretty classic BS. Honestly, while I’m sure the drinking made that behavior worse, I’m fairly certain that the abusive tendencies were not caused by the drinking, especially because he was perfectly able to act like a doting husband when anyone else was around and then treat me like crap in private, and was just as capable of pulling off that act when he was quite drunk as when he was nearly sober. A common story, every time I brought up the drinking, he would get mad, blah blah blah, and then his health started to deteriorate and I realized it was alcohol related, and then I realized he been hiding alcohol all over the house, at work, and his car, etc. when he nearly bled to death, and was vomiting uncontrollably and unable to stand, I finally managed to force him into the hospital. When he was ready to be released from the hospital after detoxing and somewhat stabilizing his liver, I told him he couldn’t come home and I insisted he went into a inpatient rehab.
he made it through two months of rehab, and has been out about 2 1/2 months and as far as I know isn’t drinking. He’s acting like he’s a brand new person and I am a quitter and a terrible human being for leaving, but I’ve had enough taking it in the teeth for him and I’m ready to do what I need to do for myself and to make sure that our daughter doesn’t grow up thinking that his conduct is what love is supposed to look like. She’s three.
Over the last couple of months, we have just now managed to come to an agreement regarding the divorce, which he has begged me to reconsider and I will not. Even if he never drinks again I’m pretty sure he still a terrible person for me.
As we were finalizing papers, he told me that while he’s not drinking now, he could see a time in the future where he could maybe have an occasional drink, and that he doesn’t actually think his life had become unmanageable, just that there were consequences to his actions that he did not want in his life. It sounds to me like he is setting himself up to forgive himself for going back to drinking. And if I can find a way to keep my daughter physically safe, I guess it’s his decision if he wants to put himself through that more. But it made me realize that despite his best intentions, this addiction is very likely to keep rolling into my life and my daughters. I was fairly certain that was true, but he made it pretty clear when he blew off the severity of his problem that was hours away from killing him.
Needless to say, this has been a very hard road, and while I am certain of my decision, it feels terrible and he has made me feel terrible for not sticking by him. Anyway, I have not availed myself of the family resources from the rehab he went to, nor have I gone to an Al-Anon meeting, because it seems to me like the approach is based on the idea that you can’t do anything about the situation. This is confusing to me – there is something I can do about the situation, and that is to remove myself from it and try to be a good parent and to take care of myself instead. Maybe it is just Google bias, but if you try googling “leaving your alcoholic spouse,“ let me tell you all of the answers are how you can in fact stick with them.
I feel pretty alone. I feel like I made a really difficult decision that was the right move for me, and I wouldn’t have done him any favors by letting him come home and drink himself to death on my couch. But whatever he chooses to do, I’m controlling what I can. Is there a place for someone like me at Al-Anon? Someone who doesn’t actually want to love the alcoholic anymore and is doing what she can to extract him from her life as far as she can while there is still a kid involved? I feel like his drinking is going to have ripple affect for me and my daughter for years, and I like the idea of having people to talk about it with, but if it means I need to admit that I am powerless over the situation, that just feels false to me. I do have power, and that power is to surround myself with people who don’t hurt me. Are the people who decided to not stick by the problem drinker in their life welcome? Do you think there’d be value?
Clearly I should not have read the “for wives” chapter in the AA book... The whole stand by your man who has destroyed your family approach was not consistent with my playbook.
Sorry for the super long first post! Thanks for your thoughts.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
I would probably go check it out and see what you think. They say you should try to go to 6 meeting before deciding whether or not it is for you,
I will be honest, it wasn’t for me. I got much more out of individual counseling and coming here then goi g to alanon. But I did try it for a few eeeks when I was in major crisis mode when my XRAH got shipped off to rehab for 3 months and things got worse than they were before.
I struggled with guilt for a long time. Because I felt like I owed it to him to stay since he got clean and was working hard at it, but the truth is I was done when I confronted him I was just afraid to admit that to myself. He was a pretty bad alcoholic though luckily never ended up in the hospital. He did not want to lose our marriage either but he will never really understand how devastating his disease was to the relationship. He got sober and was ready to move forward, I just did not love him anymore. Physically I could not even fathom ever wanting to be with him, too many bad memorie. Anyway, i felt that thérapie really helped me to work through that. Alanon was good in crisis mode for me but it just weirded me out and I am not one that likes to speak in front of others. But other people find it very helpful. The only eay to know is to go check it out. They also recommended going to different meetings as one may be a better fit than others.
The fact that your AH is already is talking about being able to drink socially is concerning for eventual relapse. My X always thought that. This last time he finally understood and believed that he could never ever touch alcohol again. Because they can’t. Watch Pleasure unwoven if you can, it is a very good documentary about alcoholism and explains it very well with the whole brian chemistry and everything.
Good for you for setting clear boundaries. My X improved a lot as far as manipulation etc was concerned but he still gets sucked back into that trap, just not near as bad. I also feel like he is a different person now, and he had to become a different person to be successful in his recovery. Just like I had to change a lot of my ways as well. It really changed the relationship. If you even decided that at some point you wanted to get back with him....you should give it at least a year to see if the changes are lasting. But it sounds like you are re done and that is ok too, it took me a long time to accept that it was ok to not love him anymore and to not wanted to be with him anymore even though I had given him the ultimatum/one more chance. I learned a lot about myself and to do what I needed to do for me, I honestly don’t know that I would’ve gotten that from Alanon. I needed a lot of individual counseling to get to that point.
So like they say, take what you like and leave the rest. I’d encourage you to check it out at least that way you will know. You may find it helpful and find a good group. Good luck with everything. Also be prepared to have to split custody 50/50 with him. My X had already been clean for almost 2 years when we called it quits but according to my lawyer it doesn’t take much to get 50/50. So even being sober for a short period of time is good enough for the courts.
I will be honest, it wasn’t for me. I got much more out of individual counseling and coming here then goi g to alanon. But I did try it for a few eeeks when I was in major crisis mode when my XRAH got shipped off to rehab for 3 months and things got worse than they were before.
I struggled with guilt for a long time. Because I felt like I owed it to him to stay since he got clean and was working hard at it, but the truth is I was done when I confronted him I was just afraid to admit that to myself. He was a pretty bad alcoholic though luckily never ended up in the hospital. He did not want to lose our marriage either but he will never really understand how devastating his disease was to the relationship. He got sober and was ready to move forward, I just did not love him anymore. Physically I could not even fathom ever wanting to be with him, too many bad memorie. Anyway, i felt that thérapie really helped me to work through that. Alanon was good in crisis mode for me but it just weirded me out and I am not one that likes to speak in front of others. But other people find it very helpful. The only eay to know is to go check it out. They also recommended going to different meetings as one may be a better fit than others.
The fact that your AH is already is talking about being able to drink socially is concerning for eventual relapse. My X always thought that. This last time he finally understood and believed that he could never ever touch alcohol again. Because they can’t. Watch Pleasure unwoven if you can, it is a very good documentary about alcoholism and explains it very well with the whole brian chemistry and everything.
Good for you for setting clear boundaries. My X improved a lot as far as manipulation etc was concerned but he still gets sucked back into that trap, just not near as bad. I also feel like he is a different person now, and he had to become a different person to be successful in his recovery. Just like I had to change a lot of my ways as well. It really changed the relationship. If you even decided that at some point you wanted to get back with him....you should give it at least a year to see if the changes are lasting. But it sounds like you are re done and that is ok too, it took me a long time to accept that it was ok to not love him anymore and to not wanted to be with him anymore even though I had given him the ultimatum/one more chance. I learned a lot about myself and to do what I needed to do for me, I honestly don’t know that I would’ve gotten that from Alanon. I needed a lot of individual counseling to get to that point.
So like they say, take what you like and leave the rest. I’d encourage you to check it out at least that way you will know. You may find it helpful and find a good group. Good luck with everything. Also be prepared to have to split custody 50/50 with him. My X had already been clean for almost 2 years when we called it quits but according to my lawyer it doesn’t take much to get 50/50. So even being sober for a short period of time is good enough for the courts.
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Originally Posted by DiggingForFire 
...nor have I gone to an Al-Anon meeting, because it seems to me like the approach is based on the idea that you can’t do anything about the situation. This is confusing to me – there is something I can do about the situation, and that is to remove myself from it and try to be a good parent and to take care of myself instead. ....Is there a place for someone like me at Al-Anon? Someone who doesn’t actually want to love the alcoholic anymore and is doing what she can to extract him from her life as far as she can while there is still a kid involved?
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I feel like his drinking is going to have ripple affect for me and my daughter for years, and I like the idea of having people to talk about it with, but if it means I need to admit that I am powerless over the situation, that just feels false to me. I do have power, and that power is to surround myself with people who don’t hurt me.
Would you benefit from al-anon, I’d say yes you certainly would. You would get help and understanding for………….
Having been manipulated, controlled, verbally abused, ridiculed, cut down, dismissed, feelings disregarded, criticized, now feeling guilty about leaving, worry about interacting with him in the future and the impact that will have on your daughter. It will help you help yourself in finding the answers to why you stayed as long as you did in such a toxic, uncaring, unloving environment.
Are the people who decided to not stick by the problem drinker in their life welcome? Do you think there’d be value
I'm glad you posted and I hope you stick around because your story and how you are handing it for yourself could be very beneficial to others.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
You are an amazing and strong woman--you are making the best choices for you and your daughter. Whatever he thinks, let him think it because it's his opinion only and has no basis in fact.
I agree with your findings and your feelings that much of the literature and articles try to encourage staying with the A. That's not always the right choice.
I did not find Al-Anon particularly helpful. An individual therapist was a better choice for me. Also, with what you have mentioned in your post, you might seek counseling or a support group for domestic violence.
It can feel very alone when you are making so many changes and that feeling does take some time to go away. However lonely I might still feel from time to time, it's not as bad as the loneliness I felt when he was still here and I was alone in the relationship. I wish you all the best.
I agree with your findings and your feelings that much of the literature and articles try to encourage staying with the A. That's not always the right choice.
I did not find Al-Anon particularly helpful. An individual therapist was a better choice for me. Also, with what you have mentioned in your post, you might seek counseling or a support group for domestic violence.
It can feel very alone when you are making so many changes and that feeling does take some time to go away. However lonely I might still feel from time to time, it's not as bad as the loneliness I felt when he was still here and I was alone in the relationship. I wish you all the best.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
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Thank you for your thoughtful responses, and for being supportive of the choices I am making for myself and my kiddo. I have seen a counselor myself once since all this started coming out, but I don’t think it was a good fit so I may have to keep digging. I did speak with the child psychologist about helping my daughter to handle the feelings that must be coming up for her, but at her age they talk to the parent more than the kid. I will give Al-Anon a shot and see if it feels like something that would be helpful to me.
regarding custody, we made an agreement for now that will be built into the divorce decree, but I know that he will be able to go back to court and ask for more later if he wants. My hope is that the uphill battle of having to actually take me to court and succeed will discourage that from coming up for a while. When we were married he put literally no time or effort into parenting, and I think there is at least some chance that when the novelty wears off and he realizes it isn’t getting any points with me, he’s going to back off the idea of wanting 50-50 custody. Parenting a preschooler is a lot of work that he has never really engaged in and I really hope he will leave it mostly to me in the long run. He’s already started dating ( and why wouldn’t he, having a woman in his life has historically taken all of the chores off of his plate) and I imagine that will influence his interest in having a small person around all the time.
thanks for the kind words. In a way I am grateful that everything came crashing down so dramatically. I was aware he was not treating me properly for a long time, and I had my reasons for sticking it out while I felt like it was tolerable, but I felt like it got to a point that there was only one choice I could make, and I saw the opportunity to extract myself and I took it. The disaster was something of a gift and that it presented me a very clear path forward.
I plan to stick around. I’m a newbie in the sense that I haven’t really been thinking and dealing with alcoholism in my own head that long, even though obviously it’s affected me for years anyway I hadn’t really articulated myself, so while I have taken some pretty significant steps, seems like there’s a lot of insight here that would be helpful to me that I don’t have to share with others yet. But I’m happy to share what experiences I do have
regarding custody, we made an agreement for now that will be built into the divorce decree, but I know that he will be able to go back to court and ask for more later if he wants. My hope is that the uphill battle of having to actually take me to court and succeed will discourage that from coming up for a while. When we were married he put literally no time or effort into parenting, and I think there is at least some chance that when the novelty wears off and he realizes it isn’t getting any points with me, he’s going to back off the idea of wanting 50-50 custody. Parenting a preschooler is a lot of work that he has never really engaged in and I really hope he will leave it mostly to me in the long run. He’s already started dating ( and why wouldn’t he, having a woman in his life has historically taken all of the chores off of his plate) and I imagine that will influence his interest in having a small person around all the time.
thanks for the kind words. In a way I am grateful that everything came crashing down so dramatically. I was aware he was not treating me properly for a long time, and I had my reasons for sticking it out while I felt like it was tolerable, but I felt like it got to a point that there was only one choice I could make, and I saw the opportunity to extract myself and I took it. The disaster was something of a gift and that it presented me a very clear path forward.
I plan to stick around. I’m a newbie in the sense that I haven’t really been thinking and dealing with alcoholism in my own head that long, even though obviously it’s affected me for years anyway I hadn’t really articulated myself, so while I have taken some pretty significant steps, seems like there’s a lot of insight here that would be helpful to me that I don’t have to share with others yet. But I’m happy to share what experiences I do have
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
DiggingforFire…...I am glad to hear that you plan to stick around! I think that the more you participate, the more you will benefit....
Did you know that we have an extensive library about alcoholism and the effects o n the loved ones....? More than 100 excellent articles....It is contained within the "stickies"...at the top of the threads, on the front page. the library is called "Classic Readings"...
I am giving you the following link to this library, for your convenience....there is enough for you to read an article every single day!
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Have you read "Co-Dependence No More"? It is a classic, in these circles.....It is an easy read and I think you will find a lot that resonates with you. I highly recommend it...
A comment about alanon….for so many...just being in a room with others who understand, beyond mere words, what it is like to live with or love an alcoholic, is a tremendous emotional support in itself. Especially, in that, there is no judgement. It can be very validating, in itself. Even if one goes for only that....that can be reason enough....to just know that you are not alone...and, that you are understood.....
It is all about you....and, your own feelings. No one will tell you what to do. It is all about you...not the alcoholic....
Did you know that we have an extensive library about alcoholism and the effects o n the loved ones....? More than 100 excellent articles....It is contained within the "stickies"...at the top of the threads, on the front page. the library is called "Classic Readings"...
I am giving you the following link to this library, for your convenience....there is enough for you to read an article every single day!
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Have you read "Co-Dependence No More"? It is a classic, in these circles.....It is an easy read and I think you will find a lot that resonates with you. I highly recommend it...
A comment about alanon….for so many...just being in a room with others who understand, beyond mere words, what it is like to live with or love an alcoholic, is a tremendous emotional support in itself. Especially, in that, there is no judgement. It can be very validating, in itself. Even if one goes for only that....that can be reason enough....to just know that you are not alone...and, that you are understood.....
It is all about you....and, your own feelings. No one will tell you what to do. It is all about you...not the alcoholic....
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Location: New York, NY
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Clearly I should not have read the “for wives” chapter in the AA book... The whole stand by your man who has destroyed your family approach was not consistent with my playbook.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Another thing about that chapter is the many ways it can be interpreted with different meanings, emotions, days...
I attended an open AA meeting recently where "To Wives" was read by group members and discussed. It was an amazing experience in absolute great timing in my life.
Good things happen in each day. As I open my heart to looking for them, I see more and more that supports my recovery and my family's.
Life changes. We get to take what we like and leave the rest. 12 step programs help me with that.
I attended an open AA meeting recently where "To Wives" was read by group members and discussed. It was an amazing experience in absolute great timing in my life.
Good things happen in each day. As I open my heart to looking for them, I see more and more that supports my recovery and my family's.
Life changes. We get to take what we like and leave the rest. 12 step programs help me with that.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
Mine is not a popular view, so please take it with a big grain of salt. I attended Alaonon for six years - sometimes two meetings per day.
I was never really into the step work, but did it anyway.
My beliefs have evolved since I first attended Alanon - I listen to Abraham Hicks on YouTube and they talk a lot about these kinds of programs that focus on "the problem." (According to Law of Attraction, what you focus on expands).
I found that people spoke about the alcoholic all meeting - so focusing on the alcoholic - and there is this idea that you are "just as sick" as the alcoholic - that it is a "family disease." Well, yeah, you do get "sick" from being around dysfunctional people - but that does not mean that you have character flaws yourself.
The "powerless" thing is a really big stumbling block, and I am with you - I have "power" over my thinking and my actions. I am "powerless" over the alcoholic, so that is a good thing to remember - but if I am not focusing on the alcoholic (including going to meetings to talk about the terrible things they did recently), then I am not powerless over my life.
Many people find solace in Alanon - and many fully ascribe to the 12 Step Model (which is based on Christian principles). I am more eclectic in my beliefs and so while it gave me something to do, it did not really help me.
There are also some very sick people in those groups and I had one for a sponsor - she said terrible things to me about my loved one - that they should die in the streets - as someone who is in a position of power over me, that could have devastated me, but I saw her for who she is and got away and I won't ever be back. I feel sorry for her sponsees. They expect you to put yourself in a subservient position to those who "know better."
Not for me, but as I said, many people love it!
I was never really into the step work, but did it anyway.
My beliefs have evolved since I first attended Alanon - I listen to Abraham Hicks on YouTube and they talk a lot about these kinds of programs that focus on "the problem." (According to Law of Attraction, what you focus on expands).
I found that people spoke about the alcoholic all meeting - so focusing on the alcoholic - and there is this idea that you are "just as sick" as the alcoholic - that it is a "family disease." Well, yeah, you do get "sick" from being around dysfunctional people - but that does not mean that you have character flaws yourself.
The "powerless" thing is a really big stumbling block, and I am with you - I have "power" over my thinking and my actions. I am "powerless" over the alcoholic, so that is a good thing to remember - but if I am not focusing on the alcoholic (including going to meetings to talk about the terrible things they did recently), then I am not powerless over my life.
Many people find solace in Alanon - and many fully ascribe to the 12 Step Model (which is based on Christian principles). I am more eclectic in my beliefs and so while it gave me something to do, it did not really help me.
There are also some very sick people in those groups and I had one for a sponsor - she said terrible things to me about my loved one - that they should die in the streets - as someone who is in a position of power over me, that could have devastated me, but I saw her for who she is and got away and I won't ever be back. I feel sorry for her sponsees. They expect you to put yourself in a subservient position to those who "know better."
Not for me, but as I said, many people love it!
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
lol, seek --- I understand. Both of those things are also some of my experiences. Yet the concept of "take what you like and leave the rest" is what helps me in this, too. Along with the A.H. recording about the concept of us liking a feathered nest, yet we grow stronger by practicing keeping our balance when we don't have the feathered nest. I loved my month in a vacation home, super self-care time with peeps of similar positivity all around me. Then here I am at my cabin I'm renting, learning to bring my best in a new way.
The Al-anon meetings I've been going to are as before in being "just what I need". The principles of the program and my Alanon friends are a type of family that help me practice everyday stuff in safe, supportive places. Things skills are helping me immensely through the past months.
As some other members may have different views, it's now easy for me to allow that -- internally, externally and without contradiction. I still get to have my voice in new, ever-changing ways.
The Al-anon meetings I've been going to are as before in being "just what I need". The principles of the program and my Alanon friends are a type of family that help me practice everyday stuff in safe, supportive places. Things skills are helping me immensely through the past months.
As some other members may have different views, it's now easy for me to allow that -- internally, externally and without contradiction. I still get to have my voice in new, ever-changing ways.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
Mango: "Take what you like and leave the rest" is everything! So glad it is all working for you - sounds wonderful! I want to vacation away for a month!
Funny, on the slogan, I thought it came from AA, and was quoting it to the alcoholic who said it has nothing to do with AA - did a little research and read that it is an Alanon slogan - the person I was reading said they thought it would be too dangerous for alcoholics to have that as a slogan, and upon a second's consideration, I "get it!"
But it's great for me!
Funny, on the slogan, I thought it came from AA, and was quoting it to the alcoholic who said it has nothing to do with AA - did a little research and read that it is an Alanon slogan - the person I was reading said they thought it would be too dangerous for alcoholics to have that as a slogan, and upon a second's consideration, I "get it!"
But it's great for me!
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by seek
I found that people spoke about the alcoholic all meeting...
...They expect you to put yourself in a subservient position to those who "know better."
...They expect you to put yourself in a subservient position to those who "know better."
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
I'm so sorry the you experienced this in your AlAnon meetings. Neither of these are part of the AlAnon program principles.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
I went to my first Al Anon meeting a few weeks after I left my XAH. I had hesitation as well, as my perception was that Al Anon would pressure me to reconcile. But, my life was "unmanageable", and I wanted to feel better. What I learned in Al Anon, was how to take care of me... whether the alcoholic was drinking or not.... and whether I stayed with the alcoholic of not. Many of the members were children or parents if alcoholics. Our meetings were not focused on the alcoholics at all. The focus was on how to best take care of ourselves. This was something so new and foreign to me! I felt so much peace during every meeting, even though I mostly sat and listened, often crying. I would encourage you to give it a try for yourself.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
I honestly believe everyone's Al Anon meetings are different. The ones I went to many years ago were very focused on following a format, reciting some of the rules, etc. I didn't get much comfort from it tbh. I would much prefer SR.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 2
Hi, this is my first post, I registered today.
I found this site and thread since I have been considering going to Alanon meetings for a while. I did attend one meeting so far, just last week. I am more comfortable sharing online for various reasons. Anyway I am very into the Abraham-Hicks material and I was wondering what they would say about Alanon. I did a search and found this thread with the relevant comments by seek. Hearing of your experience with Alanon, seek, and how you think it does or does not align with Abe's teachings, helped me feel better about my own tentativeness about going to meetings. I'd love to talk more about AA and Alanon and how they do or don't work with the Law of Attraction (which is not something really new).
"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."
Basically what Abe says--reach for better-feeling thoughts.
I found this site and thread since I have been considering going to Alanon meetings for a while. I did attend one meeting so far, just last week. I am more comfortable sharing online for various reasons. Anyway I am very into the Abraham-Hicks material and I was wondering what they would say about Alanon. I did a search and found this thread with the relevant comments by seek. Hearing of your experience with Alanon, seek, and how you think it does or does not align with Abe's teachings, helped me feel better about my own tentativeness about going to meetings. I'd love to talk more about AA and Alanon and how they do or don't work with the Law of Attraction (which is not something really new).
"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."
Basically what Abe says--reach for better-feeling thoughts.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Altamisal
I am very into the Abraham-Hicks material and I was wondering what they would say about Alanon.
I always find it interesting that there can be such divergent experiences in AlAnon meetings. Some people find AlAnon encourages supporting the alcoholic, some people feel pressured by AlAnon to leave their alcoholic, some people feel at home and embraced by love and acceptance the minute they walk into the room. AlAnon is the Law of Attraction in full bloom: we always find whatever our thoughts are leading us to. It's a living Rorschach test. AlAnon has no religious dogma, totally shared leadership, very few rules and really only one strong recommendation: that we keep the focus on ourselves, not on the alcoholic, so that we can learn to drive our lives from the inside. The teachings of Abraham are much the same: keep your focus on how thoughts feel to you for they are your valuable and constant guidance. Both approaches are about strengthening our inner voice and learning to use it as our primary navigation device in life instead of looking to another (as so many of us have learned to do.)
I have been to several open AA meetings and find everything there in total alignment with the Abraham teachings, as well. Before anything, tune in and listen to the guidance of your higher power/Inner Being/Source Energy (which are all the same.) "Work the program, not the problem" is the mindset that Abraham encourages.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 2
What a great post, thank you FallenAngelina! I have actually been on this path for many years with my explorations of metaphysics in general and teachers like AH in particular. Also my Ho'oponopono practice is much in line with AA.
Ho'oponopono is about taking total responsibility for anything that shows up in our lives including an alcoholic partner. And about surrendering to our Divinity/Higher Power. Anything that we perceive as a problem, including an alcoholic, is a memory replaying in the subconscious. Divinity "cleans" on those old memories so we are not stuck in that repeating loop, and opens up the way for inspiration to flow.
I confess there are times, even with this understanding, that I feel anger and resentment about others' actions. When I feel like venting! And sometimes I do. But at the same time I keep on cleaning, accepting, surrendering. And recognizing, per Abe, that "the contrast serves" and I can use these manifestations of what I don't want, to get clearer on what I DO want.
A couple other Abe-isms I've found v. helpful: "That which offends me only weakens me" and "Things are always working out for me."
Oh, and this little book. I think it is made to order for partners of alcoholics and other "impossible" relationships. In fact, the author, Ken Keyes Jr., talks about "loving the unlovable and accepting the unacceptable." Accepting doesn't mean we don't work toward change, however.
(Tried to post link to pdf of book, Prescriptions For Happiness, but it seems I am not yet able to post links here. So you could do a search if interested for the free pdf.)
I am not sure I will get into face to face Alanon meetings. For one thing I am hearing impaired, and at the one meeting I've attended so far, I had trouble following everything that was said. But I might have better luck at another one, so I am not closing the door to that possibility.
Ho'oponopono is about taking total responsibility for anything that shows up in our lives including an alcoholic partner. And about surrendering to our Divinity/Higher Power. Anything that we perceive as a problem, including an alcoholic, is a memory replaying in the subconscious. Divinity "cleans" on those old memories so we are not stuck in that repeating loop, and opens up the way for inspiration to flow.
I confess there are times, even with this understanding, that I feel anger and resentment about others' actions. When I feel like venting! And sometimes I do. But at the same time I keep on cleaning, accepting, surrendering. And recognizing, per Abe, that "the contrast serves" and I can use these manifestations of what I don't want, to get clearer on what I DO want.
A couple other Abe-isms I've found v. helpful: "That which offends me only weakens me" and "Things are always working out for me."
Oh, and this little book. I think it is made to order for partners of alcoholics and other "impossible" relationships. In fact, the author, Ken Keyes Jr., talks about "loving the unlovable and accepting the unacceptable." Accepting doesn't mean we don't work toward change, however.
(Tried to post link to pdf of book, Prescriptions For Happiness, but it seems I am not yet able to post links here. So you could do a search if interested for the free pdf.)
I am not sure I will get into face to face Alanon meetings. For one thing I am hearing impaired, and at the one meeting I've attended so far, I had trouble following everything that was said. But I might have better luck at another one, so I am not closing the door to that possibility.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome! I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here. This is a place of great support.
I think you are doing the absolute right thing. I agree that you have to take the time to find the right meetings, and the right counselor. It's worth it if you dig. I don't know what your faith base is, but Celebrate Recovery is a wonderful resource much like Alanon but was a better fit for me.
Keep coming back, you are not alone!
I think you are doing the absolute right thing. I agree that you have to take the time to find the right meetings, and the right counselor. It's worth it if you dig. I don't know what your faith base is, but Celebrate Recovery is a wonderful resource much like Alanon but was a better fit for me.
Keep coming back, you are not alone!
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