We have to move house...
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We have to move house...
so today things might have reached that critical point. Our landlord came around and told us he wants to sell the house. As it’s totally unaffordable to us (he wants £470,000) we will have no option but to look elsewhere.
My AH has continued to drink excessively and shown no signs of attempting to even try to cut back. He’s downed almost a litre of gin today.
So here I am thinking where I go from here! I’ve been presented with an opportunity I guess. He knows it too. He tried to speak to me and said “are you ok?” No I said. I’m not ok.
“I know things haven’t been great between us lately but we will be ok won’t we? We will find somewhere else” he offered to go out to buy me wine and I declined. The old me would’ve joined him in drinking tonight. Not anymore.
i had to say I’m honesty confused and I just need to process what’s happening. He just has been very quiet since and drunk a lot. He’s now lying next to me snoring loudly like a warthog and as usual I won’t get any sleep. He stinks. His pores literally ooze gin it’s vile.
But I don’t see how me finding us all a place together is going to be a good move. Im thinking I should suggest he move into the small house we own and currently rent out, as a trial separation.
The only thing that’s holding me back is the reaction from our youngest two children. They will be heartbroken and I feel like I’m splitting up my family and being selfish. Because they need thier Dad around dont they? Even though he drinks. He currently does the school runs as he’s sober that time of the day and he cooks them dinner sometimes, but I have to say thier relationship with him after that is based on them sitting next to him on the sofa whilst he drinks. He could continue to pick them up for school if he wanted to even if he lived elsewhere. I just don’t want to damage them I want them to feel secure and loved. My eldest two girls from my first marriage are fully expecting me to leave him, we’ve discussed it a lot.
Im just here to share and vent. It’s going to be a difficult decision and it’s now unavoidable. I’m nervous to take the step. There’s a house for rent nearby and I’m thinking of going to view it tomorrow. I’d get housing benefit as a single mum. I guess I’m feeling vulnerable and very very scared. im too good at maintaining a status quo and pretending everything is ok when it’s not.
My AH has continued to drink excessively and shown no signs of attempting to even try to cut back. He’s downed almost a litre of gin today.
So here I am thinking where I go from here! I’ve been presented with an opportunity I guess. He knows it too. He tried to speak to me and said “are you ok?” No I said. I’m not ok.
“I know things haven’t been great between us lately but we will be ok won’t we? We will find somewhere else” he offered to go out to buy me wine and I declined. The old me would’ve joined him in drinking tonight. Not anymore.
i had to say I’m honesty confused and I just need to process what’s happening. He just has been very quiet since and drunk a lot. He’s now lying next to me snoring loudly like a warthog and as usual I won’t get any sleep. He stinks. His pores literally ooze gin it’s vile.
But I don’t see how me finding us all a place together is going to be a good move. Im thinking I should suggest he move into the small house we own and currently rent out, as a trial separation.
The only thing that’s holding me back is the reaction from our youngest two children. They will be heartbroken and I feel like I’m splitting up my family and being selfish. Because they need thier Dad around dont they? Even though he drinks. He currently does the school runs as he’s sober that time of the day and he cooks them dinner sometimes, but I have to say thier relationship with him after that is based on them sitting next to him on the sofa whilst he drinks. He could continue to pick them up for school if he wanted to even if he lived elsewhere. I just don’t want to damage them I want them to feel secure and loved. My eldest two girls from my first marriage are fully expecting me to leave him, we’ve discussed it a lot.
Im just here to share and vent. It’s going to be a difficult decision and it’s now unavoidable. I’m nervous to take the step. There’s a house for rent nearby and I’m thinking of going to view it tomorrow. I’d get housing benefit as a single mum. I guess I’m feeling vulnerable and very very scared. im too good at maintaining a status quo and pretending everything is ok when it’s not.
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Because they need thier Dad around dont they?
- Even though he drinks.
- He currently does the school runs as he’s sober that time of the day
- he cooks them dinner sometimes
- thier relationship with him after that is based on them sitting next to him on the sofa whilst he drinks.
I just don’t want to damage them I want them to feel secure and loved.
RainingButtons, this may sound harsh, please know it is not intended that way at all but I am going to just lay it on the line here (as a child of an alcoholic and as a parent).
No, children do not need an alcoholic parent in their lives. It teaches them all the wrong things.
- You can use a mind-altering substance to cope with your life
- It's ok to ignore those you love if you are busy drinking
- Your Dad, one of the two people you should be able to rely on in your life - is not reliable. Who do you trust then?
- Being treated disrespectfully by someone you love is ok
- When someone is like this, walk on eggshells to avoid conflict
- When you are in a relationship you are loyal and just accept a person with all their flaws, even if it is destroying your life.
I could go on, but you get the idea.
Kids sitting with Dad on the sofa while he drinks a litre of gin is so far away from "normal" and so far away from what a child needs, but I think you have been in this dysfunction for so long that you can no longer see it.
Run Rainingbuttons! Take your life back, protect your children and yourself.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
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What trailmix said. My red flag alert went up when you said he does the school run. Alcoholism means a person is unable to control their drinking. What makes you think he can control WHEN he is sober? If he hasn't got in an accident yet... it's just a matter of time. Life WILL become more stressful (as you are already starting to see), and with that stress will come an increased desire to drink more... and more... until you're driving drunk with kids in the back.
Even if he is "sober" while driving, he still has wet brain. Being alcoholic affects the brain and impairs judgement. Just see how the issue with the landlord affected him. It seems like you're the only one worried. It takes months of sobriety for the brain to even start to heal itself.
If you don't have a job, you should rent out the mini house and live on that income while you and your kids move into a small room somewhere. I have no idea what he should do... I think people at Alanon may have some ideas. Or people here at SR. My only suggestion is that maybe he should stop drinking.
Even if he is "sober" while driving, he still has wet brain. Being alcoholic affects the brain and impairs judgement. Just see how the issue with the landlord affected him. It seems like you're the only one worried. It takes months of sobriety for the brain to even start to heal itself.
If you don't have a job, you should rent out the mini house and live on that income while you and your kids move into a small room somewhere. I have no idea what he should do... I think people at Alanon may have some ideas. Or people here at SR. My only suggestion is that maybe he should stop drinking.
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well, all of you are already damaged from living in active addiction.
that he can manage to do school runs because you think he is sober enough to do so is NOT parenting.
that he can cook dinner sometimes is not parenting.
parenting is putting the children first, always. engaging with them, not a gin bottle. having great concern for their safety, security, mental well being, environment. being plugged in 24/7/365.
parenting is not optional. or only when convenient. or sober enough.
we all asks for signs. you just got them in spades. this is your chance. yours and the children. make a break for it, run like hell.
that he can manage to do school runs because you think he is sober enough to do so is NOT parenting.
that he can cook dinner sometimes is not parenting.
parenting is putting the children first, always. engaging with them, not a gin bottle. having great concern for their safety, security, mental well being, environment. being plugged in 24/7/365.
parenting is not optional. or only when convenient. or sober enough.
we all asks for signs. you just got them in spades. this is your chance. yours and the children. make a break for it, run like hell.
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I feel for you, RB. Telling my kids I was leaving their dad was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But staying was no good, either. As TM pointed out, that was giving them all the wrong lessons about what a marriage was supposed to be, and, since I have daughters, showing them all kinds of wrong examples about how men are allowed to treat women.
That worst night of my life? It went okay. Each child responded differently, according to her age, and they all adapted well. We are so much happier today. Keep your eyes on what you want, and you can make it happen. If your life is like mine was, staying is just tolerating life, not living it.
That worst night of my life? It went okay. Each child responded differently, according to her age, and they all adapted well. We are so much happier today. Keep your eyes on what you want, and you can make it happen. If your life is like mine was, staying is just tolerating life, not living it.
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Thankyou everyone. You make such sense. My brain is so fuddled and I agree that I’ve been living so long in this situation i can’t see what’s real anymore.
I told him this morning I will be looking for a new home as a single mum. I’ve made it more of a “financial” reason to him saying that we would get housing benefit and relieve the pressure a bit. He seems to accept this right now ... oddly I think he’s known it’s been coming.
Ive told my mum sister and older kids too. Not the youngest ones yet.
Ive arranged a house viewing for Saturday morning there is a house to rent a stones throw from here which is ideal. But I’m not the only one interested and there’s a deposit to find. Keep your fingers crossed for us that we can remain civil, strong and present a united front to the kids.
This forum keeps me sane during the small hours when I feel so lonely. Appreciate all the advice. I’m not running but I’m backing towards the exit slowly and getting ready to bolt!
I told him this morning I will be looking for a new home as a single mum. I’ve made it more of a “financial” reason to him saying that we would get housing benefit and relieve the pressure a bit. He seems to accept this right now ... oddly I think he’s known it’s been coming.
Ive told my mum sister and older kids too. Not the youngest ones yet.
Ive arranged a house viewing for Saturday morning there is a house to rent a stones throw from here which is ideal. But I’m not the only one interested and there’s a deposit to find. Keep your fingers crossed for us that we can remain civil, strong and present a united front to the kids.
This forum keeps me sane during the small hours when I feel so lonely. Appreciate all the advice. I’m not running but I’m backing towards the exit slowly and getting ready to bolt!
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You know RB, there is a upside to all of this (hard to believe but true).
Once you are living separately the children will only see their Dad when he is sober.
This is actually a gift you are giving them, they will form a much better relationship with him just because of that one thing. As an aside, you are also doing him a favour as well.
Once you are living separately the children will only see their Dad when he is sober.
This is actually a gift you are giving them, they will form a much better relationship with him just because of that one thing. As an aside, you are also doing him a favour as well.
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^^^ What trailmix said. Moving away from your husband doesn't mean the kids will lose their father; it means that you will be able to put better boundaries around the conditions in which they see their father (when he's not sitting on the sofa drunk).
Also agree that his ability to plan and organize his drinking around the kids' needs (e.g. not drink when he has to pick them up from school) is likely to deteriorate to the point where he drinks whenever he feels so inclined, without regard for whether he has to drive or otherwise be responsible.
Also agree that his ability to plan and organize his drinking around the kids' needs (e.g. not drink when he has to pick them up from school) is likely to deteriorate to the point where he drinks whenever he feels so inclined, without regard for whether he has to drive or otherwise be responsible.
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Told the kids ... 😢
Oh dear...an emotional day.
I told the kids tonight that we had to move soon. I wasn’t planning on telling them about AH not moving with us but it came out. I wasn’t strong enough to hold my tears back with all the questions they had.
My daughter 10 has ASD and she was very upset. Didn’t want to leave this house she loves it so much. Doesn’t wasn’t Daddy to live alone. When I said Daddy can come and see us any time he wants to she said “but what if he’s drunk? Then he can’t drive over” 😢😢😢 my son is 13 he took it very well about moving but was upset about his Dad moving into a different house. I tried to explain that we wouldn’t be able to afford a house with Dad living with us as his business doesn’t earn enough to pay the rent. He said “yeah he spends it all on alcohol I know.” But it upset me that he started to say what if Dad drinks more without us there to stop him? What if we bought him some low alcohol beers then he might not drink the stronger stuff?” I tried to explain that we can’t control what Dad does. That I’ve tried and Ive learnt nobody can change someone else. It was very upsetting and we've had a lot of tears and hugs. I feel such guilt. So bad I can’t protect them from this.
I feel so bad that I’ve had to have this conversation with them on my own. AH has gone out for the rugby and is staying over at his brothers. Since we decided all this, he’s pretty much drunk consistently and I haven’t wanted to talk to the kids with him there if he was going to be drunk. He tends to close his eyes a lot and just breath in deeply when things get emotional. He can’t handle it.
He might be angry with me when he comes home tomorrow and they tell him that they know. But I can’t keep pretending to them nothings wrong, they are old enough to pick things up. Was it wrong to use the quiet time to explain things to them? I was shocked they both mentioned alcohol without me saying anything but if they mention it to him he will say I’ve put that idea into thier heads. (He openly drinks in front of them daily so he just wants them to think it’s not an issue)
I feel like he’s tried to pretend it’s all not happening. I was supposed to view a house this morning (agent cancelled it until Monday) and although I’d told AH at the time I’d arranged this two days earlier, he seemed shocked this morning and said I’d not told him. (This happens a LOT) he doesn’t remember conversations. I’m sick of repeating myself.
I did the recycling today and there was no hiding what he’s drunk in the last two days. I don’t monitor it anymore but as he was away I did it and I was confronted with the undeniable truth once again. Three litre gin bottles, four cans of cider and two red wine bottles. I’m just so sad it’s come to this.
Thanks for reading xx
I told the kids tonight that we had to move soon. I wasn’t planning on telling them about AH not moving with us but it came out. I wasn’t strong enough to hold my tears back with all the questions they had.
My daughter 10 has ASD and she was very upset. Didn’t want to leave this house she loves it so much. Doesn’t wasn’t Daddy to live alone. When I said Daddy can come and see us any time he wants to she said “but what if he’s drunk? Then he can’t drive over” 😢😢😢 my son is 13 he took it very well about moving but was upset about his Dad moving into a different house. I tried to explain that we wouldn’t be able to afford a house with Dad living with us as his business doesn’t earn enough to pay the rent. He said “yeah he spends it all on alcohol I know.” But it upset me that he started to say what if Dad drinks more without us there to stop him? What if we bought him some low alcohol beers then he might not drink the stronger stuff?” I tried to explain that we can’t control what Dad does. That I’ve tried and Ive learnt nobody can change someone else. It was very upsetting and we've had a lot of tears and hugs. I feel such guilt. So bad I can’t protect them from this.
I feel so bad that I’ve had to have this conversation with them on my own. AH has gone out for the rugby and is staying over at his brothers. Since we decided all this, he’s pretty much drunk consistently and I haven’t wanted to talk to the kids with him there if he was going to be drunk. He tends to close his eyes a lot and just breath in deeply when things get emotional. He can’t handle it.
He might be angry with me when he comes home tomorrow and they tell him that they know. But I can’t keep pretending to them nothings wrong, they are old enough to pick things up. Was it wrong to use the quiet time to explain things to them? I was shocked they both mentioned alcohol without me saying anything but if they mention it to him he will say I’ve put that idea into thier heads. (He openly drinks in front of them daily so he just wants them to think it’s not an issue)
I feel like he’s tried to pretend it’s all not happening. I was supposed to view a house this morning (agent cancelled it until Monday) and although I’d told AH at the time I’d arranged this two days earlier, he seemed shocked this morning and said I’d not told him. (This happens a LOT) he doesn’t remember conversations. I’m sick of repeating myself.
I did the recycling today and there was no hiding what he’s drunk in the last two days. I don’t monitor it anymore but as he was away I did it and I was confronted with the undeniable truth once again. Three litre gin bottles, four cans of cider and two red wine bottles. I’m just so sad it’s come to this.
Thanks for reading xx
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Hi RB,
im so sorry you are going through this. It must be so difficult but I admire your strength and resolve to move without him. Let him do what he think he needs to do and then live your life with your kids in peace. Geez I wish I could do what you did but I’m still stuck in the turbulent storm with no decisions yet. Sounds like you have reached your bottom with him at this point. He won’t understand but maybe he will when he’s alone. Time will tell. Personally I think it was fine to have a quiet talk with your kids. If it just came out let it be. You are all processing some major changes. It’s ok they know and coming from their rock, their mom, the one they can rely on, that speaks volumes.
im so sorry you are going through this. It must be so difficult but I admire your strength and resolve to move without him. Let him do what he think he needs to do and then live your life with your kids in peace. Geez I wish I could do what you did but I’m still stuck in the turbulent storm with no decisions yet. Sounds like you have reached your bottom with him at this point. He won’t understand but maybe he will when he’s alone. Time will tell. Personally I think it was fine to have a quiet talk with your kids. If it just came out let it be. You are all processing some major changes. It’s ok they know and coming from their rock, their mom, the one they can rely on, that speaks volumes.
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I'm sorry RB, yes a tough day. I'm sorry it has come to this as well, however I think it's a really good thing you talked to them and told them the whole story.
Yes, they know. When you say:
Truthfully (and I say this with kindness) you two might be pretending, but only to yourselves. They absolutely know. They know his world revolves around alcohol and your world revolves around the alcoholic (so, by default, so do theirs). Also, by not discussing it regularly, you could well end up looking like the bad guy here. Now, I know, you can take that, but I'm talking about even when they are adults. Now you don't want to vilify him, of course, but the truth is the truth. For instance if he can't pick them up when he says he will because he has been drinking, they really need to know that, same with visitation.
No surprise they are upset, that's inevitable. Luckily they have you to look after them and ensure their well-being.
As for him blaming you, if he does, you can ignore it or I would reply with what you said, basically: You openly drink in front of them daily, it's only you that wants to pretend it’s not an issue.
Lots of denial going on, which stems from him. If he can't see what he is doing, nothing you can do to force that, he will come to that on his own (or not).
So hard to think of there being an upside here, but there is, the peace you will experience from not running around after an alcoholic will be priceless.
No telling where your relationship will end up but when he is ready to get help he will, of his own accord.
You have been really courageous, your children will appreciate that eventually.
Yes, they know. When you say:
But I can’t keep pretending to them nothings wrong
No surprise they are upset, that's inevitable. Luckily they have you to look after them and ensure their well-being.
As for him blaming you, if he does, you can ignore it or I would reply with what you said, basically: You openly drink in front of them daily, it's only you that wants to pretend it’s not an issue.
Lots of denial going on, which stems from him. If he can't see what he is doing, nothing you can do to force that, he will come to that on his own (or not).
So hard to think of there being an upside here, but there is, the peace you will experience from not running around after an alcoholic will be priceless.
No telling where your relationship will end up but when he is ready to get help he will, of his own accord.
You have been really courageous, your children will appreciate that eventually.
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Yes I think alateen and alanon when we move and have a bit of “freedom” is on the cards. I don’t want to make things tense at home now and he’s still actively drinking in front of us all.
he got home today at lunchtime and opened a can of cider. Our son came outside to talk to me (I was washing my car) and he said “ I noticed Dads opened a beer already he’s only just got home” 😢. So he’s acutely aware. He’s watching football on tv so cracked open several and went to get the kids McDonald’s for tea rather than cook.
on the plus side he has told his brother what’s going on and seems to accept that I’ve told the kids ok! I’m viewing a house tomorrow. He needs to give notice to the tennent in our little terrace that’s rented and get the ball rolling.
he got home today at lunchtime and opened a can of cider. Our son came outside to talk to me (I was washing my car) and he said “ I noticed Dads opened a beer already he’s only just got home” 😢. So he’s acutely aware. He’s watching football on tv so cracked open several and went to get the kids McDonald’s for tea rather than cook.
on the plus side he has told his brother what’s going on and seems to accept that I’ve told the kids ok! I’m viewing a house tomorrow. He needs to give notice to the tennent in our little terrace that’s rented and get the ball rolling.
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Hi RainingButtons,
A huge part of recovery for myself has been letting go of always having to be strong and simply feeling my emotions and support around me from others who've been there. In person support changed everything.
Gentle encouragement here to explore Al-anon and Alateen now, before moving, to help you and your kids through this. ((((hugs))))
You're doing great.
A huge part of recovery for myself has been letting go of always having to be strong and simply feeling my emotions and support around me from others who've been there. In person support changed everything.
Gentle encouragement here to explore Al-anon and Alateen now, before moving, to help you and your kids through this. ((((hugs))))
You're doing great.
From a suggested Al-anon meeting opening:
We welcome you to this Al-Anon Family Group meeting, and hope you will find in this fellowship the help and friendship we have been privileged to enjoy.
We who live, or have lived, with the problem of alcoholism understand as perhaps few others can.
We welcome you to this Al-Anon Family Group meeting, and hope you will find in this fellowship the help and friendship we have been privileged to enjoy.
We who live, or have lived, with the problem of alcoholism understand as perhaps few others can.
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Thankyou. I just still feel on egg shells bringing up the subject of alcohol in front of him. He reacts like it’s the first time I’ve mentioned it every time.
If he knew I’d been to alanon or taken the kids to alateen he’d be furious because he’s in denial there’s an issue. He’d say I was turning them against him. He wants to drink openly and for it not to be an issue. To him “everyone has a couple of beers to watch the rugby” but obviously we know it’s way more than that.
tonight he’d come back from McDonald’s with a bottle of gin and red wine after 4 cans of cider he’s actually seeming to be drinking MORE in my face since we’ve agreed to live apart. It’s like he’s relaxed and is thinking “well I dare her to start nagging me now! I can do what I like now she’s leaving me”
hes not even tried. Not put up a fight for us. Chose drink over his family.
I am actually dreading putting new boundaries in place when we move because we’ve reassured the kids he can come over whenever he wants but I’m actually going to be saying he doesn’t drink at ours. Will cross that bridge when I come to it though.
If he knew I’d been to alanon or taken the kids to alateen he’d be furious because he’s in denial there’s an issue. He’d say I was turning them against him. He wants to drink openly and for it not to be an issue. To him “everyone has a couple of beers to watch the rugby” but obviously we know it’s way more than that.
tonight he’d come back from McDonald’s with a bottle of gin and red wine after 4 cans of cider he’s actually seeming to be drinking MORE in my face since we’ve agreed to live apart. It’s like he’s relaxed and is thinking “well I dare her to start nagging me now! I can do what I like now she’s leaving me”
hes not even tried. Not put up a fight for us. Chose drink over his family.
I am actually dreading putting new boundaries in place when we move because we’ve reassured the kids he can come over whenever he wants but I’m actually going to be saying he doesn’t drink at ours. Will cross that bridge when I come to it though.
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I think that's wise, no use rocking the boat more than you need to at this point. I'm guessing no drinking around the kids and only visiting sober?
As for him drinking more, I doubt he is actually drinking "at" you - he's just drinking. He probably (guessing) feels that finally he can just relax and drink as much as he likes.
Ditto with the "choosing" drink. To him he's probably not choosing it, he made that choice a long time ago - he may well see it as you not accepting him, since drinking is part of him?
If this house is ok tomorrow do you think you can leave right away? I'm just asking because the escalating drinking is so negative for the rest of you.
Don't know if you have already seen this article: Addiction, Lies and Relationships
"As the addictive process claims more of the addict's self and lifeworld his addiction becomes his primary relationship to the detriment of all others. Strange as it sounds to speak of a bottle of alcohol, a drug, a gambling obsession or any other such compulsive behavior as a love object, this is precisely what goes on in advanced addictive illness. This means that in addiction there is always infidelity to other love objects such as spouses and other family - for the very existence of addiction signifies an allegiance that is at best divided and at worst -and more commonly- betrayed. For there comes a stage in every serious addiction at which the paramount attachment of the addict is to the addiction itself. Those unfortunates who attempt to preserve a human relationship to individuals in the throes of progressive addiction almost always sense their own secondary "less than" status in relation to the addiction - and despite the addict's passionate and indignant denials of this reality, they are right: the addict does indeed love his addiction more than he loves them.
Addiction protects and augments itself by means of a bodyguard of lies, distortions and evasions that taken together amount to a full scale assault upon consensual reality. Because addiction involves irrational and unhealthy thinking and behavior, its presence results in cognitive dissonance both within the addict himself and in the intersubjective realm of ongoing personal relationships".
Floyd P. Garrett, M.D.
As for him drinking more, I doubt he is actually drinking "at" you - he's just drinking. He probably (guessing) feels that finally he can just relax and drink as much as he likes.
Ditto with the "choosing" drink. To him he's probably not choosing it, he made that choice a long time ago - he may well see it as you not accepting him, since drinking is part of him?
If this house is ok tomorrow do you think you can leave right away? I'm just asking because the escalating drinking is so negative for the rest of you.
Don't know if you have already seen this article: Addiction, Lies and Relationships
"As the addictive process claims more of the addict's self and lifeworld his addiction becomes his primary relationship to the detriment of all others. Strange as it sounds to speak of a bottle of alcohol, a drug, a gambling obsession or any other such compulsive behavior as a love object, this is precisely what goes on in advanced addictive illness. This means that in addiction there is always infidelity to other love objects such as spouses and other family - for the very existence of addiction signifies an allegiance that is at best divided and at worst -and more commonly- betrayed. For there comes a stage in every serious addiction at which the paramount attachment of the addict is to the addiction itself. Those unfortunates who attempt to preserve a human relationship to individuals in the throes of progressive addiction almost always sense their own secondary "less than" status in relation to the addiction - and despite the addict's passionate and indignant denials of this reality, they are right: the addict does indeed love his addiction more than he loves them.
Addiction protects and augments itself by means of a bodyguard of lies, distortions and evasions that taken together amount to a full scale assault upon consensual reality. Because addiction involves irrational and unhealthy thinking and behavior, its presence results in cognitive dissonance both within the addict himself and in the intersubjective realm of ongoing personal relationships".
Floyd P. Garrett, M.D.
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Thankyou I’ll read that now.
You are right I know he’s not drinking to spite me... it’s just how it feels sometimes that he’s knows it’s driven me away but im not worth making an effort for. Alcohol had won him years ago. When I was overdue with my babies and hospital was a 10mile drive away and I asked him not to drink incase i went into labour... he still drank. He was drunk when he drove me eventually and I let him because I was in such pain.
I didnt want to see it then but then but now I can. I’m just so sad.
If the house today is available i can move as soon as I secure a deposit. It will take a week or two. I’m scared because there’s another family interested. Hoping being a single mum on benefits won’t go against me. I have great references.
Everything crossed xx
You are right I know he’s not drinking to spite me... it’s just how it feels sometimes that he’s knows it’s driven me away but im not worth making an effort for. Alcohol had won him years ago. When I was overdue with my babies and hospital was a 10mile drive away and I asked him not to drink incase i went into labour... he still drank. He was drunk when he drove me eventually and I let him because I was in such pain.
I didnt want to see it then but then but now I can. I’m just so sad.
If the house today is available i can move as soon as I secure a deposit. It will take a week or two. I’m scared because there’s another family interested. Hoping being a single mum on benefits won’t go against me. I have great references.
Everything crossed xx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Applying for the house!
So... good news AND bad in a way..! The house we viewed is mine to apply for! BUT... the agent “assumed” there was a “Mr” also applying! When I said no it will be a single application she started to quiz me on my income.
Now I’m worried she will go back to the landlord and that he will judge me and take back the offer!
I spent hours yesterday cancelling my current tax credit claims and applying for universal credit asca single mum. According to my maths I will be better off!!! Not funding a £400 a month booze habit will help of course but I can’t exactky put THAT on the application form.
I have to continue to work with AH. We have several jobs this week together. He’s still sleeping in the same bed. It’s all very awkward and strange and I keep bursting into tears and crave a hug - but it’d be wrong to try and hug him now. He brought me tea in bed this morning which choked me up as it’s one of the small things he has always done. (Trust me there aren’t many though 😢
its just a very emotional time - i found the idea of my being the mountain whilst the snow and storms rage around me helpful to picture.
Not sleeping. Worrying about having to divide everything up and just generally .. everything.
Now I’m worried she will go back to the landlord and that he will judge me and take back the offer!
I spent hours yesterday cancelling my current tax credit claims and applying for universal credit asca single mum. According to my maths I will be better off!!! Not funding a £400 a month booze habit will help of course but I can’t exactky put THAT on the application form.
I have to continue to work with AH. We have several jobs this week together. He’s still sleeping in the same bed. It’s all very awkward and strange and I keep bursting into tears and crave a hug - but it’d be wrong to try and hug him now. He brought me tea in bed this morning which choked me up as it’s one of the small things he has always done. (Trust me there aren’t many though 😢
its just a very emotional time - i found the idea of my being the mountain whilst the snow and storms rage around me helpful to picture.
Not sleeping. Worrying about having to divide everything up and just generally .. everything.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
It's stressful I know; I've been through it. Hope you get the house, and I bet you will be better off financially and, most importantly, be in control.
Hang in there a little longer and it will settle down. Glad your AH is not making difficulties.
Hang in there a little longer and it will settle down. Glad your AH is not making difficulties.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
You are taking all the steps and that's great. I hope getting all the paperwork done was a huge weight off your shoulders.
Hopefully the house owner won't have preconceived notions about a person who currently needs a hand up with income.
People do separate and get divorced all the time and hopefully this will be nothing new to him.
As for the worry, try not to worry to much (I know, easy for me to say). It will all work out. As for division of things, that can all be worked out once everyone knows where they are going to be living and probably won't be as complicated or terrible as your mind is dreaming up. Trust it will work out.
Also remember HALT - Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. These are all things that will make you extra emotional. If sleeping is a problem, try to nap when you can and be sure to eat well and take care of yourself. While your focus is on moving out, you still need to look after yourself.
Please keep us updated!
Hopefully the house owner won't have preconceived notions about a person who currently needs a hand up with income.
People do separate and get divorced all the time and hopefully this will be nothing new to him.
As for the worry, try not to worry to much (I know, easy for me to say). It will all work out. As for division of things, that can all be worked out once everyone knows where they are going to be living and probably won't be as complicated or terrible as your mind is dreaming up. Trust it will work out.
Also remember HALT - Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. These are all things that will make you extra emotional. If sleeping is a problem, try to nap when you can and be sure to eat well and take care of yourself. While your focus is on moving out, you still need to look after yourself.
Please keep us updated!
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