SR keep me grounded
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 66
SR keep me grounded
preparing to leave my AH and getting the promises from him he will stop. oh boy! my biggest downfall. Man, do I want to believe.
I simply told him I want to believe him. but he needs to show me and not talk about it.( I'm the should-i-stay-until-my-lease-is-up-girl.) and I am not planning any further conversations. I will see what his true intent is through his actions. I will be ok no matter what I choose.
I have plans to go look at apartments on Friday with my adult child to figure what we like and will I need a co signor, when things are available, and how much it will be.
I told her we are keeping our plans and we are going one day at a time.
just give me strength.
I simply told him I want to believe him. but he needs to show me and not talk about it.( I'm the should-i-stay-until-my-lease-is-up-girl.) and I am not planning any further conversations. I will see what his true intent is through his actions. I will be ok no matter what I choose.
I have plans to go look at apartments on Friday with my adult child to figure what we like and will I need a co signor, when things are available, and how much it will be.
I told her we are keeping our plans and we are going one day at a time.
just give me strength.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Oh Boy! I remember those kinds of promises. The begging me to give him another chance, how his life wasn't worth living if he didn't have me...quack, quack, quack.
I allowed myself to fall victim to those promises for YEARS. It broke me. I ignored my instincts, I wanted to believe him soooo badly. I think he wanted to believe himself when he said it, but he was never serious about finding ACTUAL recovery, so his sobriety never lasted. Each and every time he broke his promise, drank and lied about it... I got a little bit crazier.
You sound grounded. I am glad you are following through with plans to find another place to live. I think that is very, very smart. Just knowing what your options are and what steps you will need to take, should you decide to make that choice, will be a huge weight off your shoulders. It's the unknown that really twists us up...so one less unknown is huge!
You are doing great, your boundaries are in place and you are formulating a plan. Good stuff!
I allowed myself to fall victim to those promises for YEARS. It broke me. I ignored my instincts, I wanted to believe him soooo badly. I think he wanted to believe himself when he said it, but he was never serious about finding ACTUAL recovery, so his sobriety never lasted. Each and every time he broke his promise, drank and lied about it... I got a little bit crazier.
You sound grounded. I am glad you are following through with plans to find another place to live. I think that is very, very smart. Just knowing what your options are and what steps you will need to take, should you decide to make that choice, will be a huge weight off your shoulders. It's the unknown that really twists us up...so one less unknown is huge!
You are doing great, your boundaries are in place and you are formulating a plan. Good stuff!
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
Oh gosh don’t we all know the cycles over and over. The broken promises, the big plans, the big ideas, the same old same old.....quack quack quack. My AH came back today after 6 days overseas, sure he was drinking. He came to me to apologise and put out his hand to say sorry. I don’t want to hear him, see him needless to say we argued, one excuse after another, I told him unless he was seriously doing his 12 step programme I’m not interested in what he had to say. I was accused of never showing him emotional support, not listening to him, not communicating with him. I told him why would I need to communicate with someone who lies to my face and goes behind my back? I even at one point went ‘quack quack quack ‘ when he was talking. I should not have got into that escalation, I allowed him to rob me of my peace, now I am really angry. 😩 I was dong so well, wish he’d go away for another trip I love having the house to myself. How do we not engage in the manipulation?
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 34
Thank you for posting this morning. I have recently (one month today 😥
asked my husband to leave our home after another relapse. I am a stay at home mother of four children (12, 11, 9 and 7). I am desperately not wanting to get sucked into the empty promises again, wanting to stand my ground, protect myself and my children from the empty promises, chaos and relapses. Why do I want to feel hope?
I find most people that post here so calm, focussed, and strong. They talk about taking time for themselves, doing things that make them happy, having strong boundaries. Why am I a disaster? I don’t cry, I don’t rant, I am trying to be fair with letting him see the children (only after a breathyler test and random drug and alcohol screenings by a professional), I am so incredibly busy trying to manage all the kid’s schedules, keep up with the house, being present and available for their fears and tears, I barely sleep or eat, I am filled with fear of the unknown, I am so so sad and lonely...........
I am desperately trying to get up the courage to attend an AlAnon meeting on Thursday evening. Trying to find the time, trying to explain to the children that I will only be a short time (my youngest follows me around the house right now), trying to make peace with the fact that this is my new reality,
Is the unhappy marriage, lies and mask I have been wearing for years easier than this unknown?
I have to be strong for my children! This selfish, chaotic behaviour is not normal, cannot be tolerated, is damaging all our mental health and happiness.
I need some SR strength - Thank you for listening.
asked my husband to leave our home after another relapse. I am a stay at home mother of four children (12, 11, 9 and 7). I am desperately not wanting to get sucked into the empty promises again, wanting to stand my ground, protect myself and my children from the empty promises, chaos and relapses. Why do I want to feel hope?I find most people that post here so calm, focussed, and strong. They talk about taking time for themselves, doing things that make them happy, having strong boundaries. Why am I a disaster? I don’t cry, I don’t rant, I am trying to be fair with letting him see the children (only after a breathyler test and random drug and alcohol screenings by a professional), I am so incredibly busy trying to manage all the kid’s schedules, keep up with the house, being present and available for their fears and tears, I barely sleep or eat, I am filled with fear of the unknown, I am so so sad and lonely...........
I am desperately trying to get up the courage to attend an AlAnon meeting on Thursday evening. Trying to find the time, trying to explain to the children that I will only be a short time (my youngest follows me around the house right now), trying to make peace with the fact that this is my new reality,
Is the unhappy marriage, lies and mask I have been wearing for years easier than this unknown?
I have to be strong for my children! This selfish, chaotic behaviour is not normal, cannot be tolerated, is damaging all our mental health and happiness.
I need some SR strength - Thank you for listening.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Originally Posted by SorNS 
This selfish, chaotic behaviour is not normal, cannot be tolerated, is damaging all our mental health and happiness.
When you are in a relationship with a taker, be that an alcoholic or not, you cannot sustain a true relationship.
Good relationships are a natural give and take (whether that's your friend or your Husband/Wife).
Natural give and take is what fills us up, hugging someone who genuinely cares about you, discussing your life, dreams or the day at work and being understood. Being taken care of, someone bringing you a cup of coffee while you relax on the sofa because you think you might be getting a cold.
All those little things add to our joy and happiness in life. No one needs to keep score, it just is.
When you are in a relationship with a taker, they just take and take and take and ask you to sacrifice your happiness and your time and your joy for their benefit. Now, again, you don't have to keep score but eventually you will run out of compassion and joy and energy to give, it is inevitable.
By leaving an alcoholic you are not "abandoning" them, you are saying, you need to help yourself. You don't have to worry about ending the relationship forever or for the next two weeks, more will be revealed and it is up to them as the grown people they are to do the work, not up to you, you do not need to hold them up.
If you want to leave, you should leave. You can always revisit the relationship in a year or so, after they have proven solid sobriety, if you want to.
You living with them will make no difference, if you could solve alcoholism you already would have, true? This is a one man show and they need to do the work.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
jen….."Man, do I want to believe".....
Lol...I agree with you....that can really be your biggest downfall.....
When we want to believe, so bad.....we are willing to take premature signs of "improvement" as that they are in recovery, and, then capitulate and let them come back,or return to them....When this decision is premature, the result is that, once again, there is almost sure , relapse, again...only, even worse, each time.....
If I had a nickel for every time I have seen that pattern, on this forum, and in my own life observations....I would be quite rich....
I think the best way to avoid that pitfall is to learn exactly what genuine recovery looks like....to know how much time and work the alcoholic has to be willing to out in....and, how it requires sobriety as their first priority...for the rest of their lives....
This requires education for the non-alcoholic partner....for most people....
In recovery circles....early recovery is, at minimum, one year of uninterrupted sobriety....but, it may be 2--3--5yrs....depending on who you talk to.
It requires a program...like AA...and a sponsor, and working the 12 steps...and, a counselor, in addition. It requires a lot of effort and a desire to live a sober life......Not just some initial efforts to satisfy the partner.....
Support and education is just as important for the non-alcoholic partner, as it is for the alcoholic.....
Would you like to have some recommended readings?
Knowledge is power.
alanon is a good place to get the kind of emotional support that you may need for yourself....
I remember your other thread....may I ask...will you still be on the hook for the remainder of rent on your present lease.....?
Lol...I agree with you....that can really be your biggest downfall.....
When we want to believe, so bad.....we are willing to take premature signs of "improvement" as that they are in recovery, and, then capitulate and let them come back,or return to them....When this decision is premature, the result is that, once again, there is almost sure , relapse, again...only, even worse, each time.....
If I had a nickel for every time I have seen that pattern, on this forum, and in my own life observations....I would be quite rich....
I think the best way to avoid that pitfall is to learn exactly what genuine recovery looks like....to know how much time and work the alcoholic has to be willing to out in....and, how it requires sobriety as their first priority...for the rest of their lives....
This requires education for the non-alcoholic partner....for most people....
In recovery circles....early recovery is, at minimum, one year of uninterrupted sobriety....but, it may be 2--3--5yrs....depending on who you talk to.
It requires a program...like AA...and a sponsor, and working the 12 steps...and, a counselor, in addition. It requires a lot of effort and a desire to live a sober life......Not just some initial efforts to satisfy the partner.....
Support and education is just as important for the non-alcoholic partner, as it is for the alcoholic.....
Would you like to have some recommended readings?
Knowledge is power.
alanon is a good place to get the kind of emotional support that you may need for yourself....
I remember your other thread....may I ask...will you still be on the hook for the remainder of rent on your present lease.....?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Originally Posted by SorNS
I find most people that post here so calm, focussed, and strong. They talk about taking time for themselves, doing things that make them happy, having strong boundaries. Why am I a disaster?
Many here are grounded and calm, but that took work and focussing on themselves, it probably wasn't always so. I hear you speaking a lot about being fair to your AH and running around after the kids, what are you doing for yourself?
Your child will not be traumatized by you going to an Al-Anon meeting - I guarantee it. It might help to realize you don't have to explain it to them, Mom is going to a meeting and will be back is short and sweet, they are children, you get to be in charge. No need to be frightened of going either, generally you are just going to meet a bunch of nice people. You don't even have to speak if you don't want to, no one will think you are odd, remember, they have all been where you are.
Maybe think of it like an SR meeting - as people speak apply one of our names to them! Perhaps that will add a little humour and calm for you.
The absolute best thing you can do for yourself and your children right now is take care of yourself. If you need help, ask for it. Whether that is posting here or calling a family member to babysit for a few hours.
As for visitation, do you figure the "fairness" for yourself? Do you have a schedule that works for you?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
jen…..trailmix is right....attending an alanon meeting will not traumatize your children....I imagine that the youngest following you around is a result of insecurity from the chaos that you have been living in. They probably sense your tenseness and feeling insecurity from the environment, in general.
Kids are like little sponges...and they absorb everything in the environment...all of the bad and all of the good.....
Most of the posters, here, report an almost immediate improvement in the moods of the children when the alcoholic behavior is absent from the home.
They will take their cues from you...if they sense that you are more relaxed and happy...more "yourself".....they respond, in the same. As the non-alcoholic parent....you are the Captain of their ship...the one that they can depend on and gain their sense of security from.....
Some alanon meetings have child care for the children, in nearby rooms. It may be possible for you to take them, at their ages. You can, actually, make it a fun experience for them.....take some things to keep them busy,,,or they may do some homework, too. Maybe, stop for ice cream after the meetings.....etc.
for the older ones, there may be alateen meetings, at the same time...in some places.....they would probably really enjoy that.....I have heard that some meetings will take children as young as 8yrs. You may have to check around on this.....
I think that being around nice, compassionate, understanding people will be a positive and healing experience, for all of you!
Kids are like little sponges...and they absorb everything in the environment...all of the bad and all of the good.....
Most of the posters, here, report an almost immediate improvement in the moods of the children when the alcoholic behavior is absent from the home.
They will take their cues from you...if they sense that you are more relaxed and happy...more "yourself".....they respond, in the same. As the non-alcoholic parent....you are the Captain of their ship...the one that they can depend on and gain their sense of security from.....
Some alanon meetings have child care for the children, in nearby rooms. It may be possible for you to take them, at their ages. You can, actually, make it a fun experience for them.....take some things to keep them busy,,,or they may do some homework, too. Maybe, stop for ice cream after the meetings.....etc.
for the older ones, there may be alateen meetings, at the same time...in some places.....they would probably really enjoy that.....I have heard that some meetings will take children as young as 8yrs. You may have to check around on this.....
I think that being around nice, compassionate, understanding people will be a positive and healing experience, for all of you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 66
update
I'm the OP. I do not have little kids, and I am thankful for that. I imagine navigating an alcoholic relationship with small children must be so difficult.
Thank you for allowing me to post this morning, you guys kept me grounded, objective, and in reality.
he went to one of his court ordered outpatient meetings tonight (his first) and... stopped at a bar on the way home. 😂
I wanted to believe him but I am so grateful I didnt change my plans or go all emotional. I'm grateful he went to the meeting. that's one good decision on his part and maybe something will get through to him. good for him. but I didnt future trip too bad. I saw the promise for what it was. well intentioned, but unrealistic.
thanks for being here friends. None of my plans have changed at this time. 💜
jen
Thank you for allowing me to post this morning, you guys kept me grounded, objective, and in reality.
he went to one of his court ordered outpatient meetings tonight (his first) and... stopped at a bar on the way home. 😂
I wanted to believe him but I am so grateful I didnt change my plans or go all emotional. I'm grateful he went to the meeting. that's one good decision on his part and maybe something will get through to him. good for him. but I didnt future trip too bad. I saw the promise for what it was. well intentioned, but unrealistic.
thanks for being here friends. None of my plans have changed at this time. 💜
jen
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 415
Yep I remember that rollercoaster. Even now that we are getting a divorce whenever I start to question my decision he shows his true colors and his narcissistic tendencies and reminds me of how much he has NOT changed despite the fact he no longer drinks, he still has alcoholic brain!
hang in there and keep taking steps on looking at your options. I agree the unknown is scary so find out thé answers you need.
hugs to you!
hang in there and keep taking steps on looking at your options. I agree the unknown is scary so find out thé answers you need.
hugs to you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by SorNS
Thank you for posting this morning. I have recently (one month today 😥 asked my husband to leave our home after another relapse. I am a stay at home mother of four children (12, 11, 9 and 7). I am desperately not wanting to get sucked into the empty promises again, wanting to stand my ground, protect myself and my children from the empty promises, chaos and relapses. Why do I want to feel hope?
I find most people that post here so calm, focussed, and strong. They talk about taking time for themselves, doing things that make them happy, having strong boundaries. Why am I a disaster? I don’t cry, I don’t rant, I am trying to be fair with letting him see the children (only after a breathyler test and random drug and alcohol screenings by a professional), I am so incredibly busy trying to manage all the kid’s schedules, keep up with the house, being present and available for their fears and tears, I barely sleep or eat, I am filled with fear of the unknown, I am so so sad and lonely...........
I am desperately trying to get up the courage to attend an AlAnon meeting on Thursday evening. Trying to find the time, trying to explain to the children that I will only be a short time (my youngest follows me around the house right now), trying to make peace with the fact that this is my new reality,
Is the unhappy marriage, lies and mask I have been wearing for years easier than this unknown?
I have to be strong for my children! This selfish, chaotic behaviour is not normal, cannot be tolerated, is damaging all our mental health and happiness.
I need some SR strength - Thank you for listening.
asked my husband to leave our home after another relapse. I am a stay at home mother of four children (12, 11, 9 and 7). I am desperately not wanting to get sucked into the empty promises again, wanting to stand my ground, protect myself and my children from the empty promises, chaos and relapses. Why do I want to feel hope?I find most people that post here so calm, focussed, and strong. They talk about taking time for themselves, doing things that make them happy, having strong boundaries. Why am I a disaster? I don’t cry, I don’t rant, I am trying to be fair with letting him see the children (only after a breathyler test and random drug and alcohol screenings by a professional), I am so incredibly busy trying to manage all the kid’s schedules, keep up with the house, being present and available for their fears and tears, I barely sleep or eat, I am filled with fear of the unknown, I am so so sad and lonely...........
I am desperately trying to get up the courage to attend an AlAnon meeting on Thursday evening. Trying to find the time, trying to explain to the children that I will only be a short time (my youngest follows me around the house right now), trying to make peace with the fact that this is my new reality,
Is the unhappy marriage, lies and mask I have been wearing for years easier than this unknown?
I have to be strong for my children! This selfish, chaotic behaviour is not normal, cannot be tolerated, is damaging all our mental health and happiness.
I need some SR strength - Thank you for listening.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
CORRECTION...…
Jen......I am sooo sorry! I did get your post confused with that of SorNS……
I apologize to the both of you.
Jen.....I am glad that you are sticking to your plans....
I hope that you will continue to post on the forum.....I think the more you put in...the more you get out of the sharing.....
SorNS…..I hope that you will see that one of the posts that I made to jen (about the children) was really meant for you....!
Jen......I am sooo sorry! I did get your post confused with that of SorNS……
I apologize to the both of you.
Jen.....I am glad that you are sticking to your plans....
I hope that you will continue to post on the forum.....I think the more you put in...the more you get out of the sharing.....
SorNS…..I hope that you will see that one of the posts that I made to jen (about the children) was really meant for you....!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by dandylion
CORRECTION...…
Jen......I am sooo sorry! I did get your post confused with that of SorNS……
I apologize to the both of you.
Jen.....I am glad that you are sticking to your plans....
I hope that you will continue to post on the forum.....I think the more you put in...the more you get out of the sharing.....
SorNS…..I hope that you will see that one of the posts that I made to jen (about the children) was really meant for you....!
Jen......I am sooo sorry! I did get your post confused with that of SorNS……
I apologize to the both of you.
Jen.....I am glad that you are sticking to your plans....
I hope that you will continue to post on the forum.....I think the more you put in...the more you get out of the sharing.....
SorNS…..I hope that you will see that one of the posts that I made to jen (about the children) was really meant for you....!
I read somewhere the more active people are here the more successful they seem so I am going to be active, because hopefully that will help me succeed. Also my alanon meetings
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 34
Thanks Jen and Dandylion and all the others that have posted here.
I feel a connection to all of you and I am gaining strength by reading all of the posts. I am still planning to go to Alanon tonight and take a new step on my new path. I am going with one day at a time right now and hope to bring some more peace into my life.
I feel a connection to all of you and I am gaining strength by reading all of the posts. I am still planning to go to Alanon tonight and take a new step on my new path. I am going with one day at a time right now and hope to bring some more peace into my life.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Midwest
Posts: 158
@SorNS to answer your question about the “Is the unhappy marriage, lies and mask I have been wearing for years easier than this unknown” ...the answer from me is a NO. I was with a functional alcholic for 10 years and left last May and I am starting to feel like myself again. I lost myself in the marriage. It is not a easy road, I have gone through so many emotions during the year and emotions I did not even know existed but I got through it and you can too! Keep posting, this site has helped me a great deal.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 66
I put money down on a place kiddo and I love it! but my credit is so bad. so bad. I just have everything from being with my AH. Even an eviction. I am so upset with myself for allowing my credit to be ruined for so many years. But I have gratitude I have the most supportive parents and mom will cosign for me. even though her credit Is perfect I'm still nervous. But, I've done a pretty good job of putting it into the hands of my hp. Something somewhere will work out. I will just keep doing the next right thing. thank you for asking 😊 anyway we will know if I'm approved this week.
kiddo and I love it! but my credit is so bad. so bad. I just have everything from being with my AH. Even an eviction. I am so upset with myself for allowing my credit to be ruined for so many years. But I have gratitude I have the most supportive parents and mom will cosign for me. even though her credit Is perfect I'm still nervous. But, I've done a pretty good job of putting it into the hands of my hp. Something somewhere will work out. I will just keep doing the next right thing. thank you for asking 😊 anyway we will know if I'm approved this week.
credit too bad.
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