Co-dependant need advice non alcohol related
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Join Date: May 2018
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Co-dependant need advice non alcohol related
Long story short: I grew up with an alcoholic mother and I have all the typical characteristics of a codependent. I have read co dependant no more and have been really trying to make changes so that I take care of me and stop with the people pleasing. But when it comes down to it, it’s very hard when I feel that I have hurt someone’s feelings. I have a weekend coming up where people I care about want me at their important events and here and it’s causing me a lot of anxiety. So here it is. My sister in law is having a bridal shower where we meet at a craft thing for about 2 hours and then go to her mother in laws for lunch for another couple hours. That same day a friend of mine wants me to go to her place for bday dinner with her “3 best friends.” I haven’t been called someone’s best friend in years and so it means a lot to me to be there. And then the next day my oldest childhood friend is having a baby shower so I have to be there because she went to mine as well. Now first of all I’m a HUGE introvert and the idea of ONE social event has me cringing let alone 3. So I decided to tell my sister in law (who kind of scares me) that I can only go to the morning part of her shower because I want to see my young daughter before I have to go to my friends birthday so I’m not away from her all day. Plus it will give me a mental break. I thought she would be okay with it but she is trying to guilt trip me. She said, “oh You’ll he the third person who cancelled and now there is only 3 people who can make it to the lunch part. But it’s okay I guess I can drive myself.” So now I feel horrible because she also wanted me to drive her. But I am literally trying to please everyone by going to everything and it’s still not enough. I know no one can make me feel bad, only I can do that. But I feel bad. And now I have even more anxiety than before. Anyways, just needed to get my anxiety out and I feel like only other codependents can truly understand how awful this feels.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
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For me I would do what makes me happiest. People respect me more when I put myself first. Strange how that happens. The ones who don't, I let drift away. This has helped my anxiety immensely. It's my form of self love.
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a radical thought would be to say NO to all the invites. they are after just INVITATIONS, not commands or demands. you always retain the right to DECLINE, at any time and for any reason. and it is perfectly ok to do so. they will get over it.
unless you are IN the wedding, they aren't likely to cancel it just because you don't show up. same with baby showers, bridal showers, birthday parties for 3 year olds, high school reunions or toga parties.
there is actually a layer UNDER "wanting to be nice and people please" and that is believing that we are THAT important. and that other grown ups are incapable of managing their own emotional landscape. the sooner we get down to right size and quit making a federal case out of all the requests and invites and do what suits US best, then just that much sooner will the drama and chaos begin to fade away.
unless you are IN the wedding, they aren't likely to cancel it just because you don't show up. same with baby showers, bridal showers, birthday parties for 3 year olds, high school reunions or toga parties.
there is actually a layer UNDER "wanting to be nice and people please" and that is believing that we are THAT important. and that other grown ups are incapable of managing their own emotional landscape. the sooner we get down to right size and quit making a federal case out of all the requests and invites and do what suits US best, then just that much sooner will the drama and chaos begin to fade away.
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Originally Posted by Jess2014 
I thought she would be okay with it but she is trying to guilt trip me. She said, “oh You’ll he the third person who cancelled and now there is only 3 people who can make it to the lunch part. But it’s okay I guess I can drive myself.” So now I feel horrible because she also wanted me to drive her. But I am literally trying to please everyone by going to everything and it’s still not enough. I know no one can make me feel bad, only I can do that. But I feel bad. And now I have even more anxiety than before. Anyways, just needed to get my anxiety out and I feel like only other codependents can truly understand how awful this feels.[/left]
"but she is trying to guilt trip me"
"So now I feel horrible because she also wanted me to drive her"
If you just pause and see what you have written there, does that make any sense to you as a person?
Someone is trying to guilt trip you (yes what she said is obvious manipulation) and you feel horrible? If you break it down to that, does it make sense? It doesn't.
So, if she (or anyone) is treating you badly and you are feeling horrible for - letting them down - who's looking out for you exactly?
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