It's been 15 years, 15 wasted miserable lonely years..
 

What I want to say to everyone else on here is that if you can run away from the alcoholic in your life then get on with it. Now. Don't stick around. Don't engage in hope. Don't keep trying. Seriously just suck it up, pack it up, and go. Cry as much and for as long as you need to but don't go back. Don't wait another day. Go now. Run.

I haven't been on here in a couple years. I'm still entwined with my alcoholic bf of 15 years. And I keep reaching new personal lows. I'm not the same person I was 15 years ago or even 5 years ago. I live in desolation. I live with self loathing. I have been able to improve a few things in my life. Despite him. But I live a desperate life devoid of joy. Don't for a minute kid yourself. If you stick around with your alcoholic desolation is your destiny. Run, don't walk, to the nearest exit.

Hi Jaguar,

I'm glad you're here and posting. I'm sorry for what you're going through.

"If you stick around with your alcoholic desolation is your destiny."

It doesn't have to be. There are many day to day opportunities to change our lives, right where we are. Are you willing to go to Al-anon or counseling with someone who understands this completely counterintuitive disease of alcoholism?

This disease affects us, just as much as the person who is drinking.

We take the actions first, feelings follow. Posting here. Alanon or Celebrate Recovery meetings. Calling a domestic violence help center. Emotional/psychological abuse are abuse. Healing is possible.

What's your plan?

Yeah I should try Al-Anon again. Haven't been in years. I was just reading the intermittent chicken story on another thread. Boy is that me.

Good morning, Jaguar!

I'm sorry you find yourself feeling so low :( But I can tell you....there is hope!

You can have a joy-filled future :) It just may not look like the future you have always wanted--the fantasy one with this man you have been fighting so hard to create because he has "potential".

So what is one thing you can do today--just for you? One little thing that will make you happy! It can be as simple as pursuing a hobby you have put aside for a long time or as bold as opening your own savings account to plan for your future!

I hope you'll keep posting because you'll find plenty of support here for you.

Hi Jaguar55. Did you know that not only is the Jaguar a fancy car, it is a beautiful cat, of which there are only about 15,000 jaguars left in the wild? I am sure you knew that. They also eat deer, crocodiles, frogs, snakes, turtles, monkeys, eggs, fish, and anything else that they can catch. What have you, Jaguar55, eaten today?

If the thought of leaving him is too much, just start small: for the next week, cook something nice for yourself (not for him, for you), start doing some exercise, maybe do a closet clean-out or house clean-out and donate anything that is not useful to you or that you don't love. Secure your finances. Do you need more work? See what support groups are near you (Alanon). Keep posting here. Eventually you will find the courage to leave.

Leaving after 15 years is better than leaving after 20 years. If you want to leave... you can do it. If you can't leave now... you can make plans... and leave later (or not), but if you decide to stay, Alanon will be helpful. :grouphug:

The AlAnon program shows us that our lives are full of choices and one is to find happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. Your experience is your experience, but it is not the destiny of every person who chooses to remain in the life of an alcoholic. It's important that we each take responsibility for our own individual choice of how to view things, no matter how hurt we are.

The past is gone. You are free in THIS moment.
Peace,
B.

Jaguar...…...how "still entwined" are you with him....? Specifically?
Are you still living with him? In what ways do you depend on him....if you do....
Do you have a job?
I remember you saying that you were working o n your graduate degree.....how is that going. You speak well and sound like an intelligent woman.....so, it makes sense that you should be employable....Yes? No?
Where are you, right now, in your own story...your own mind? do you still have hope for yourself....or have you decided to go no further, in your life.....?
do you have any goals, at all...or do you ever dream of anything better...?

I believe that it would be a good step for you to hang on here, in SR and talk to us about these things.....One thing, for Sure---there are always [ep[;e, here, who will listen with compassion and non-judgement---you are always welcome. and are in the company of those who have been in similar situations---or even worse....!
There is no situation that cannot be made better, in some way....

You are not alone....you say that, in the past, you have had a psychiatrist, and a therapist...and, you say that you went to alanon, at one time.....have these persons fallen by the wayside----maybe, time to each out your hand, to them, again.....

Yes, I do hear that you feel at the bottom of a hole....but, I promise you that there is a way out of the hole....out into the sunlight....
just...reach...out...your....hand, and we will grab a hold!

I wish I could hug you. I'm so sorry you're feeling bad.

You got it. Time does not cure and hope will only go so far. I'm guilty of the samething to an extent. Family politics prolonged things along with making them worse too many times. If you have a choice chose to change or leave. Over a decade with no progress? Things will only get worse.

Sounds like this alcoholic is waiting for the proverbial bottom, for many it takes more than financial issues, duis, divorces etc. It takes a combination and/or timing of events and circumstances which is about as probably as hitting the lottery for many.

You did your time, 14 years too many.

If you exit the relationship and situation just be safe, assume or account for possible repercussions.

Good Luck

Jag, do you care to share what has happened to prompt you to post right now? Was there something that triggered this outpouring? And are there some personal circumstances that make you feel you can't escape now?

Your description of how you feel about yourself reminded me of when I was drinking. After drinking the night before I would wake up in the morning hating myself, and then go on and drink again that evening. I wanted out so badly but had had multiple attempts to moderate, only to start again.

What helped me was a series of small steps. Talk to my doctor. Look up the subject online. Confide in some friends. Eventually it all added up to a strong desire to take action, 7 years ago. It's not like life is perfect, but at least I don't have that awful burden to bear.

I hope you can relate your situation to mine. It's not easy to take action, but once you have you'd never go back.