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Old 02-13-2019, 06:30 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Provocation


Of course now that heís had his physical, heís drunk again. And trying to pick fights, eg, ďmy cholesterol was good. Howís yours?Ē (Iím very overweight and we had a fight this morning because he was critical of my efforts)

i just want want to punch him in the throat. How do you handle drunken provocation? He texted me that because it pisses me off even more than his stupid mouth.
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Old 02-13-2019, 06:49 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I would try and ignore it. That kind of stuff hurts so bad and itís unfair. Iím sorry. Had something similar tonight happen to me. I shed some tears and didnít really argue or say anything back.
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Old 02-13-2019, 06:52 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Of course now that he’s had his physical, he’s drunk again. And trying to pick fights, eg, “my cholesterol was good. How’s yours?” (I’m very overweight and we had a fight this morning because he was critical of my efforts)

i just want want to punch him in the throat. How do you handle drunken provocation? He texted me that because it pisses me off even more than his stupid mouth.
J A D E

Don't Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain

You are under no obligation to argue with him. Who defines you and what you are, him, or you?

Well the answer, of course, is you.

I went back and read some of your threads. These are the facts as you have presented them:

- He abuses you and your children
- He is alcoholic
- You fight often
- You find no joy in your marriage
- You believe you cannot leave because you won't be able to protect your children if you are not with them.

The truth is, you aren't protecting them now. They are teenagers, not little kids, if you divorce and there is a problem when he is with them, they can call you, or walk out the door and call you. They are fighting with him all the time now, saying "vile" things to him. That's not protecting them. He blames you for their poor behaviour. If you weren't there and he abuses them verbally, it is possible you could use the legal system to control when and for how long he gets to be around them.

There is no reason for you to stay with him, so the question you might really want to ask yourself is, why do you stay?
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Old 02-13-2019, 06:52 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I would try and ignore it. That kind of stuff hurts so bad and itís unfair. Iím sorry. Had something similar tonight happen to me. I shed some tears and didnít really argue or say anything back.

Iím sorry. Mine ups the ante when I ignore. Like telling me about so and so who was coming on to him. Or provoking the kids. And never apologizes the next day.
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Old 02-13-2019, 06:56 PM   #5 (permalink)
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J A D E

Don't Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain

You are under no obligation to argue with him. Who defines you and what you are, him, or you?

Well the answer, of course, is you.

I went back and read some of your threads. These are the facts as you have presented them:

- He abuses you and your children
- He is alcoholic
- You fight often
- You find no joy in your marriage
- You believe you cannot leave because you won't be able to protect your children if you are not with them.

The truth is, you aren't protecting them now. They are teenagers now, not little kids, if you divorce and there is a problem when he is with them, they can call you, or walk out the door and call you. They are fighting with him all the time now, saying "vile" things to him. That's not protecting them.

There is no reason for you to stay with him, so the question you might really want to ask yourself is, why do you stay?
1) because I donít trust his judgment with our youngest, who doesnít completely despise him yet
2) finances and health insurance
3) dreading the narcissistís revenge. Read up on what they do when you divorce them.
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Old 02-13-2019, 07:02 PM   #6 (permalink)
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nm
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Old 02-13-2019, 07:25 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I divorced a narcissist. It was a year and a half of hell, but I made it through and never looked back. If you contact the domestic abuse hotline, they can help you get away safely and keep you safe. They can recommend an attorney who can help you get through the divorce. He will probably be required to pay for insurance and also give you child support. These things can be worked out. You are not doing your kids any favors by staying with someone so cruel.
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Old 02-13-2019, 07:55 PM   #8 (permalink)
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One day at a time, Lunchbox.

It's not you. It's him.

You can't do anything about him. You are absolutely allowed to enjoy life. It's our birthright.
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Old 02-13-2019, 08:02 PM   #9 (permalink)
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nm
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Old 02-13-2019, 08:27 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Oh that was just an abbreviation for "never-mind" - just changed my mind about posting.

I do wish you well though Lunchbox.
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Old 02-13-2019, 08:51 PM   #11 (permalink)
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"Don't JADE" was life-changing for me. As was "you don't have to attend every argument you're invited to".
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Old 02-14-2019, 03:57 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Is this how you want to spend your one precious life?

Is this the role model you want your kids to internalize about relationships?

What about talking to a lawyer and seeing what your options are as a small first step?
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Old 02-14-2019, 05:24 AM   #13 (permalink)
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He sounds like a nightmare to live with. And he's actually picking on the children.

I know everyone's saying this, but have you started making plans for an exit? Money, accomodation, belongings, legal advice, etc?
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Old 02-14-2019, 06:02 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Is this how you want to spend your one precious life?

Is this the role model you want your kids to internalize about relationships?

What about talking to a lawyer and seeing what your options are as a small first step?
can do without shaming. Just wanted advice on provocation.
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Old 02-14-2019, 06:05 AM   #15 (permalink)
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If you determined to stay in the situation, then you need to learn to recognize provocation as exactly that--something said to get a reaction from you. It only has the value and the weight that YOU give it. The more reaction he gets, the more he will provoke. I know that you have said if you ignore it, he just pushes harder--this is evidence that his goal is to get the desired reaction. Try to breathe your way through these times, continue to ignore, and remember that he is very sick and likely can't help himself. But you can.
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Old 02-14-2019, 06:11 AM   #16 (permalink)
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1) because I don’t trust his judgment with our youngest, who doesn’t completely despise him yet
2) finances and health insurance
3) dreading the narcissist’s revenge. Read up on what they do when you divorce them.
Trust your gut instincts. I hear you. I get it.

As I prayed and reached out for healthy support where I could, things started to change. Small changes start building momentum. (((hugs))))

Meditation and connecting with our own healthy inner voice sometimes brings us to taking actions of waiting, doing, staying, or whatever in illogical timing that again and again works out. The ability to feel and self-regulate our emotions is super important. We can't pass on to our kids what we don't have within us. This is where Al-anon, Celebrate Recovery and domestic violence help centers can greatly help (narc abuse is a very real type of abuse dynamic). These groups don't tell us what to do -- they provide safe spaces, tools and skills for us, for our own resiliency, support and growth.

There are many paths to healing.
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Old 02-14-2019, 06:14 AM   #17 (permalink)
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can do without shaming. Just wanted advice on provocation.
I didn't intend it as shaming Lunchbox--at all

I'm very sorry if it came across that way.

I grew up being bullied by an alcoholic parent so it's a tender thing for me.

I wish you only the best
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Only action can do that."


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Old 02-14-2019, 06:15 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Hawkeye,

Your words speak to my heart where I am today. Lawyers can only do so much, yet can be a part of the equation at some point. I'm planning on talking to mine again today. Meditating first.

Between now and before were many baby steps much smaller and much more needed for me.
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Old 02-14-2019, 08:11 AM   #19 (permalink)
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what is a bit troubling, is that you posted about this exact same scenario well over a year ago:
Hi guys. He drinks at night and textfights. If ignore provocation he "ups the ante" by escalating, upsetting the kids, etc. yesterday he implied I packed spoiled food in the kids' lunches. Confronting the behavior also provokes a fight. I can't leave and leave the kids part time with a functional alcoholic (he doesn't do things that would limit his custody etc). Help

have you taken the steps to speak to a few attorneys? thinking you know what the laws are and how they may affect your specific case is far different than seeking legal counsel on the matter. it seems as tho nothing has changed - he still drinks and attacks, and you and the kids are still there as his targets.
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Old 02-14-2019, 08:24 AM   #20 (permalink)
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I hope you get the courage to leave. There is a lot of support on here and we all are rooting for you and your children. You all deserve happiness and peace.
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