jen5508

He's happy when he's drinking but the next morning he wakes up full of rage... picking arguments with me and the kids... tells me he wants a divorce...slams the door.... then 5 hours later he's back to normal... Why the roller coaster ride?
I'm sure he knows I'm unhappy with him for the drinking and staying out late, but I don't say anything to him the next morning, so what does he start it??

Jen

Snowydelrico

5 hours and a few beers later maybe?
Drinking impaires the cognitive part of the brain.
His emotions are all over the place because he’s lost control.

SparkleKitty

Jen, does it matter why he is mean? There's no excuse for that kind of behavior. Is this acceptable to you? Is it acceptable that you are sure he knows you are unhappy but continue the behavior anyway?

Can you accept that nothing you do or don't do will change him?

jen5508

I need to accept it... it's so hard... I know he will never change, even though he promises to it's hard letting go of 27 years married for almost 20 but together for 27 and I'm only 42... he's been my life

Jen

trailmix

Please take to heart what Sparklekitty has said. It doesn't really matter and there is no excuse for that behaviour.

He could be unhappy for many reasons, hangovers suck? He isn't drunk anymore and would like to be? There is no alcohol in the house? The world should revolve around him and his problems (which from the sound of it, it probably does).

You may not like it and he may well know that, but obviously that is irrelevant to him, or he has no control over himself.

Do you and the children walk on eggshells?

The question is, why do you put up with it? What are you doing to protect yourself and your kiddies?

SparkleKitty

I understand how hard this is, and I'm glad you're here for support. There are a lot of people here who have been through and dealt with the exact same things you have been through.

There's no need right now to decide what the outcome of your relationship will be. What you can do right now (that is maybe less scary ) is turn the focus off of him and onto yourself and your kids. What can you do today to make things better for you? (Actually you've already done that by coming here)

He's going to do what he's going to do. But you don't have to engage with him in the same old ways as you always have. When he is hungover and picks a fight, you can leave the room, or the house if necessary. You can detach from his behavior and maintain your own peace. It's not easy, but it gets easier with practice.

trailmix

How long has he been promising to?

jen5508

He quit drinking Feb 8th, 2018 and that lasted until August 7, 2018... it's been a roller coaster ever since... he is seeing a counselor for help but only once/week.

Jen

dandylion

Jen.....seeing a counselor only once a week...and no other type of recovery program is not enough "help". Most l ikely, it is just enough to give you false hope and keep you off of his back.....
Letting Go is not the same thing as "giving up".
Letting go of that which is bringing misery to your and the children's lives is a healthy thing to do...…
Even if you feel like you love him....realize that love is not enough to stand up to alcoholism....Alcoholism is a family disease...in that it not only destroys the alcoholic, him/her self...it destroys all that are entwined with the alcoholic...most especially the loved ones that live with him.....
LOL....obviously, you have never experienced a bad hangover, yourself....It is a very miserable physical and mental state....and, alcoholic thinking dictates that the alcoholic must blame others for everything negative in their life....
After this long, it is likely that he has to drink to even feel "normal".
This is not going to change, unless you change the situation....and, that means that you will have to face the reality of it.
You are going to need lots of support and help to do what you already know that you need to do....You will need to face the short-term pain for the long-term gain.....
42 is still young....don't let this continue until you are 52. Your children deserve to live in a home that is not under the cloud of alcoholism....as it will affect the rest of their lives.....
Consider the fact that you are already living "alone", for the most part, anyway.....
Life becomes so much easier when you are not riding that roller coaster....

dandylion

Jen......I suggest that you go back and read all of your other threads.
If you click on your name....on the left hand side of your posts....there is a drop-down menu. Click on the one that says: "past threads".

Have you ever read through the extensive library of articles.....there are over 100 articles. the library is in the classic reading section of the stickies---at the top of the forum.
I mentioned this in another of your threads...but, I will give you the following link, again....
Here it is....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

Get thyself to an alanon meeting for your own emotional support.....

Read "Co-dependent No More".....it is an easy read, and I think that a lot will resonate with you....

Find a counselor for yourself.....and start making baby steps toward your future.....

These are some ways to begin to make the changes that you will need to make....

AnvilheadII

as others have asked...does it matter WHY? you and the kids are not there for bloodsport, or to be his emotional targets or punching bags. and the "mean when hungover" is really only PART of what living with someone who has a serious drinking problem is like.....it's all pretty awful, isn't it? you are all damaged.

Michsm

When you ask why it means you are holding on to hope. Unfortunately, there are not a lot of logical answers to the why. I had a laundry list of whys everyday and finally said I have never been in a relationship like this, this should not be this hard. My XAH at first was just angry when drinking then it was when he was not, then it was seemed like everyday at the end. For 10 years I held onto hope and it never happened, had its waves.

hearthealth

If I knew why than I thought I could fix it. The solution wasn't with me, never was. My his band would become angry to. I think it was to deflect the harm he caused. If I got caught up in it then it was about me. It was never about me. It made it easier for him not us. H didn't change until he realized I wasn't going to take it anymore. Also when it happens when he's sober than it is his personality not a hangover or drinking rationalization.

Mango212

Whatever it takes. One day at a time.

My local domestic violence help center hotline and Al-anon groups were safe spaces that allowed me to have a voice. I've received feedback, empowerment, much needed emotional releases and many healthy in-person connections and resources.

It's a journey. Each phone call, post here, connecting with solutions and baby steps forward creates a new tomorrow.

[edit] shortened this up! I've said some of this before.

Clover71

Clover71