paranoid addict
 

I'm just feeling the need for a little rant. Last night one of my boys didn't have his door keys for my house. It came out in the reason why that he now has a key to our family home, where his dad is living and he is living most of the time. We have never carried door keys, there has always been a key hidden outside. It's been like that for years. So what happened to the hidden key? My son proceeds to tell me that the key has gone missing and someone has been in the house, taking stuff. His dad thinks it was me so he is no longer hiding a key. But you know I haven't been there, I say, defending myself, as usual. I know he says but did you send one of your friends? I have to defend myself again and end up saying your dad is paranoid. If I want to go to my house I have every right to do so but you know I would not do that without talking to you, your brother and your dad first. Yes I do need to go there at some point to pick up the rest of my stuff and it is actually still my house.

Unbelievable that my husband is infecting our kids with his paranoia. I don't even have a key to my own house!!! He changed the locks in the summer after he admitted to sleeping with his new girlfriend because he was convinced I would come and take the house back and throw all his stuff out. I told him I would never do that. I don't do those sorts of things.

I'm preparing myself to go and see a lawyer. Just to know my rights and where I stand legally. I never wanted to go down that road but I can see that this is never going to be sorted out amicably .

And today is my wedding anniversary......

"Unbelievable that my husband is infecting our kids with his paranoia"

Actually, on re-reading this, it's not unbelievable at all. But it is happening and I have no idea what to do about it.

Alcoholism is a family disease and of course it affects the children. I'm glad you're seeing a lawyer, you may be in for a fight over the house. Big hug.

Personally? I would call a meeting with all of your kids and explain to them how it is.

I know this scenario, the blaming, the paranoia, how people are ripping him off blah blah blah, quack quack quack.

Growing up (well as I got to be older) I knew to take everything said with a grain of salt, so it was a given after a while. I don't know how old your kids are but they do need to be put straight about this. Somehow you have become the person in question here and that needs to be nipped as soon as possible.

It should also be clear that you aren't going to JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain every little situation that comes up.

I hope he didn't believe his Dad?

i think rather than caught up in what AH may or may not be thinking (cuz god knows, right?) take a step back and think the situation through. it's time for each person who lives in the home to have their own key, which they carry with them. hiding a key nearby IS asking for bad guys to waltz on in and waltz on out with armloads of stuff. safety first.

how the father chooses to handle THAT door on THAT home is his business. you have no control over what he thinks or what he says or to whom he says it.

One characteristic of paranoia is that it is an entirely closed system - new knowledge or information cannot change the beliefs of the person with paranoia. Everything becomes more evidence for their delusion (my ex has these tendencies). So there may be no point in defending yourself or trying to use reason to change these beliefs.

If your ex is paranoid, it won't have any effect on him (it will in fact produce more proof, in his mind, that you really are sneaking into the house), and if your son has to go along with his father's beliefs in order to maintain his relationship with his father, whom he lives with, your son will not be receptive to anything that challenges the delusion either.

In your position, what I've done is just state once that I am not doing what I am accused of doing, and then leave it. You can't reason with someone who lives in a closed system.

JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain

Thank you for this trailmix. Yes I do hear myself doing a LOT of justifying, of myself. I will pay attention to that and try not to.