Alcoholic Boyfriend Broke Up With Me
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Alcoholic Boyfriend Broke Up With Me
I was dating a guy who has struggled with alcoholism/depression for years. He has been to counseling, tried meds, etc. but has given up hope that anything will work for him, so he spends every night drinking half a bottle of whiskey hoping he will die. When he broke up with me his words were “I have f———d up my life so bad that there is really no chance of having a normal future. I used you as a way to pretend there was nothing wrong and everything was going to be okay.” Although everything was fine the last time we hung out, it was like a switch flipped in him overnight that we could not be together.
I let his family know about the situation, and I guess I am wondering if there is anything I can do to help him, that I haven’t already done. I feel so helpless, and I know I should not because of the way he treated me. Deep down I’m also wondering if he will realize cutting me out of his life is a mistake and reach out again.
I let his family know about the situation, and I guess I am wondering if there is anything I can do to help him, that I haven’t already done. I feel so helpless, and I know I should not because of the way he treated me. Deep down I’m also wondering if he will realize cutting me out of his life is a mistake and reach out again.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
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Im really sorry this has happened to you, but he is probably right. He probably needs to be alone to get his head straight. You need to say goodbye to him with love and compassion, and let him get on with facing his demons. Perhaps offer to catch him for a coffee if he needs a chat some time in the future.
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I’m sorry that the language he used was so strong. Those may be the most honest words he can tell you right now; he needs to be by himself to get to a place where he can get help if he wants it. It’s tough to watch them go down; they are the only ones who know how bad it has to get before they seek help, if ever.
He did you a favor, honestly. The best thing you can do is to move on.
He did you a favor, honestly. The best thing you can do is to move on.
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Hi Glasshalffull and welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us but I'm really sorry for what brings you here.
I'm sure you are very hurt by this, by the suddenness of it all and by his hurtful words. As you said, the last time you spoke with him he was "fine", now he has gone in to this very dark place.
Him cutting you out of his life right now may not be a mistake, not just for you but for him too. Recovery from alcoholism is a HUGE undertaking, if he in fact even chooses it, that hasn't been determined yet and only he can make that decision.
So while you are probably missing him and feeling very sad (totally normal of course!) by leaving him be you may well be doing him a big favour.
He said to you: "I used you as a way to pretend there was nothing wrong and everything was going to be okay.”
That doesn't necessarily mean he "used" you in the way it might sound but he probably had hope that it could turn out that way. That he could turn his life around, have a home and a great relationship etc etc. He has realized he can't do that, not right now - and that is probably accurate.
Even if he decided to quit drinking tomorrow, first there is detoxing from the alcohol but even that doesn't make him mentally "sober". He needs recovery and that can take some time.
Was he an alcoholic when you two met?
I'm sure you are very hurt by this, by the suddenness of it all and by his hurtful words. As you said, the last time you spoke with him he was "fine", now he has gone in to this very dark place.
Him cutting you out of his life right now may not be a mistake, not just for you but for him too. Recovery from alcoholism is a HUGE undertaking, if he in fact even chooses it, that hasn't been determined yet and only he can make that decision.
So while you are probably missing him and feeling very sad (totally normal of course!) by leaving him be you may well be doing him a big favour.
He said to you: "I used you as a way to pretend there was nothing wrong and everything was going to be okay.”
That doesn't necessarily mean he "used" you in the way it might sound but he probably had hope that it could turn out that way. That he could turn his life around, have a home and a great relationship etc etc. He has realized he can't do that, not right now - and that is probably accurate.
Even if he decided to quit drinking tomorrow, first there is detoxing from the alcohol but even that doesn't make him mentally "sober". He needs recovery and that can take some time.
Was he an alcoholic when you two met?
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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I'm sorry this has happened to you. I agree with the previous posters, and especially what Trail mix said here....Even if he decided to quit drinking tomorrow, first there is detoxing from the alcohol but even that doesn't make him mentally "sober". He needs recovery and that can take some time
If you want to see what it's like living with a recovering alcoholic, please read my past posts. I'm not exageratting when I say it is brutal, ten times worse than when they are actively drinking. Just a different perspective since you are hoping to get back together. Hugs to you.
If you want to see what it's like living with a recovering alcoholic, please read my past posts. I'm not exageratting when I say it is brutal, ten times worse than when they are actively drinking. Just a different perspective since you are hoping to get back together. Hugs to you.
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Originally Posted by trailmix 
He said to you: "I used you as a way to pretend there was nothing wrong and everything was going to be okay.”
That doesn't necessarily mean he "used" you in the way it might sound but he probably had hope that it could turn out that way. That he could turn his life around, have a home and a great relationship etc etc. He has realized he can't do that, not right now - and that is probably accurate.
Even if he decided to quit drinking tomorrow, first there is detoxing from the alcohol but even that doesn't make him mentally "sober". He needs recovery and that can take some time.
Was he an alcoholic when you two met?
He has struggled with drinking and depression for years. He had been drinking before we met. It was one of those things where I was not aware of his problem until I was already invested in the relationship. His tolerance is so high that you can’t even tell when he’s 5 drinks in, making it easy to forget he is never really in the right state of mind, even when he seems to be. He knows he has a problem, but I don’t think he is looking to change his ways.
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not your job to fix him. that is not why we date. his alcohol problems were there long before you came along, you are only seeing a very short capsule of a lifelong problem.
if you were his solution, he would not be drinking now. however no person can MAKE another get sober. no person can LOVE another sober. we simply do not have that kind of power over another human life.
it doesn't sound like it could have been much "fun" hanging out while he gets soused night after night. leave him to it, he knows exactly what he's doing.
if you were his solution, he would not be drinking now. however no person can MAKE another get sober. no person can LOVE another sober. we simply do not have that kind of power over another human life.
it doesn't sound like it could have been much "fun" hanging out while he gets soused night after night. leave him to it, he knows exactly what he's doing.
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It doesn’t matter what you do to show them how much you care, and you give and give and give without receiving anything in return.
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Originally Posted by Glasshalffull9
But when it’s all done and over all you can remember are the good times with that person.
This is where you have to help yourself out. No one wants to dwell on the sad and the mean and the ugly parts of a relationship, so the mind has a way of kind of diminishing that.
This is where you step in. You might want to write a list of all the destructive things he has done. Is he belligerent when drinking? Mean? Miss dates and special occasions? Disappear for hours or days?
The sad thing is, I know that you will answer yes to at least one or all of these things because alcoholic relationships don't exist without a downside.
So if you list out all these things and keep that list with you, you can refer to it when your heart starts glossing over things. So maybe like:
Disappeared many times for days at a time and just left me to worry
Would be rude to other people, friends, family - me!
Called me names
Would ramble on for hours with promises of doing this and that and getting in to treatment and starting a family - but never did any of it
Etc etc, be short but specific so you can glance at that list and go - oh yeah, that's why! You will find after a while it's not something you want to go back to.
That's the second part. You have been hurt, it's going to take time to get through this and there is nothing that's really going to speed it up, except perhaps focusing on yourself and taking good care of yourself.
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Originally Posted by atalose
This is the deep question you need to seek the answer to. Why did you give and give, not receiving anything in return then give more? What benefit were you getting by all of that giving without receiving?
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Originally Posted by trailmix
So if you list out all these things and keep that list with you, you can refer to it when your heart starts glossing over things. So maybe like:
Disappeared many times for days at a time and just let me to worry
Would be rude to other people, friends, family - me!
Called me names
Would ramble on for hours with promises of doing this and that and getting in to treatment and starting a family - but never did any of it
Etc etc, be short but specific so you can glance at that list and go - oh yeah, that's why! You will find after a while it's not something you want to go back to.
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