Trying to move on...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Midwest
Posts: 158
Trying to move on...
I haven’t spoken to my XAH since a short email exchange early December for some Christmas items of his that I had taken, not intentionally when I left the home. Today, he needed some figures from last year taxes. I took all the important documents when I left because I didnt want my private information on documents that was left in his possession. Instead of ignoring him or telling him to get it from the state...I provided the information to him. I understand the Christmas items, those I had to get to him but the tax information, he can call the state. It triggered me texting him today and knowing that I should have ignored him. All I have been doing since the text is googling how to get over a divorce...honestly, I try to be strong but have been crying almost daily. I am glad to be out of there so not sure what my issues are. When people talk about their spouses, I get profoundly sad. I never had a problem with being single and he was my first marriage. Just frustrated I am still struggling 6 months after my divorce, I feel I am stuck in this weird place. Part of it is that I have not lived in my own place last May when I left. I decided to build a house...it was a poor emotional decision at that point in my life and it will not be done until end of March. I am living on my own but nothing here is mine so maybe that is why...I feel stuck.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Michsm, I'm sorry you are so down. I hope you start posting more, you have a lot of experience to share.
Not being in your own place could be part of it, for sure. In the six months since the divorce, what have you done for yourself (as in self-care)? You were together for 10 years, so it's been some time since you were single, that will take some getting used to.
Do you have a social circle at all, or even a couple of close friends you meet with sometimes? Family? What do you do for fun, if anything?
Oh and next time he texts, I hope you will ignore him. It would be one thing if he had texted to let you know that someone you both know had a car accident and is in hospital, that's considerate, to just be sitting there doing taxes and decide to involve you because it's a shortcut is inconsiderate considering the circumstances, you are not on "friendly" terms with him (which is perhaps why it's triggering).
Not being in your own place could be part of it, for sure. In the six months since the divorce, what have you done for yourself (as in self-care)? You were together for 10 years, so it's been some time since you were single, that will take some getting used to.
Do you have a social circle at all, or even a couple of close friends you meet with sometimes? Family? What do you do for fun, if anything?
Oh and next time he texts, I hope you will ignore him. It would be one thing if he had texted to let you know that someone you both know had a car accident and is in hospital, that's considerate, to just be sitting there doing taxes and decide to involve you because it's a shortcut is inconsiderate considering the circumstances, you are not on "friendly" terms with him (which is perhaps why it's triggering).
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Mich......I hope that your googling "how to get over a divorce".....told you that 6 months is a little too soon to expect to get it all over with---done and dusted...!?
exactly what were you expecting...?
While I think 6 months is too soon to be completely healed.....the intense grieving episodes usually are beginning to be l ess l ong and a bit further apart....
I will ask the same question that Trailmix asked...what are you doing for yourself to help you through this...?
In some of your previous threads, I notice that you mention that the ending of the marriage makes you "feel like a failure".....That makes me wonder if you might have some issues of low self-esteem or low self image.....
You indicated that you stayed for several years in the unhappiness...even with no children or financial issues to hold you back....and that you didn't understand why you stayed so long.....I think that is a good question to ask yourself....to ask yourself until you have some answers and more self awareness...…
For some, giving themselves the gift of self exploration...with the help of a support group, or the assistance of a good therapist...
By the way....did you ever read the articles that I gave you the link to---from our library---over a hundred excellent articles.....If not...I still recommend that you do so. You will never find so much knowledge gathered in one place...!
Another thought....even though you spent the last 10 years with him....you probably brought your own baggage to the relationship.....(we all carry some baggage...lol)….If so---and you did not work through the pre-relationship baggage....you could still be dragging it around behind you....While divorce is painful, to be sure....any old baggage just adds another layer of complexity....
In addition...if you had any other losses in your life...and did not resolve them or completely grieve those losses....the current loss will trigger the remnants of old losses....another layer of complexity....
While the grief that you are feeling cuts deep and takes time to get through, to reach the healing.....there ARE a lot of techniques that really do help....that can help you a lot.....
do you know any of them....?
Maybe, you can start a new thread and ask the forum to share their extensive and collective knowledge and experience with you.....if you ask---I know you will get a lot of response.....
Dont' forget that there is a lot of stuff that can help you heal in those 100 articles that I gave you....Right here in the Classic Reading section of the stickies.
If you need the link, again...I can give it to you.....
exactly what were you expecting...?
While I think 6 months is too soon to be completely healed.....the intense grieving episodes usually are beginning to be l ess l ong and a bit further apart....
I will ask the same question that Trailmix asked...what are you doing for yourself to help you through this...?
In some of your previous threads, I notice that you mention that the ending of the marriage makes you "feel like a failure".....That makes me wonder if you might have some issues of low self-esteem or low self image.....
You indicated that you stayed for several years in the unhappiness...even with no children or financial issues to hold you back....and that you didn't understand why you stayed so long.....I think that is a good question to ask yourself....to ask yourself until you have some answers and more self awareness...…
For some, giving themselves the gift of self exploration...with the help of a support group, or the assistance of a good therapist...
By the way....did you ever read the articles that I gave you the link to---from our library---over a hundred excellent articles.....If not...I still recommend that you do so. You will never find so much knowledge gathered in one place...!
Another thought....even though you spent the last 10 years with him....you probably brought your own baggage to the relationship.....(we all carry some baggage...lol)….If so---and you did not work through the pre-relationship baggage....you could still be dragging it around behind you....While divorce is painful, to be sure....any old baggage just adds another layer of complexity....
In addition...if you had any other losses in your life...and did not resolve them or completely grieve those losses....the current loss will trigger the remnants of old losses....another layer of complexity....
While the grief that you are feeling cuts deep and takes time to get through, to reach the healing.....there ARE a lot of techniques that really do help....that can help you a lot.....
do you know any of them....?
Maybe, you can start a new thread and ask the forum to share their extensive and collective knowledge and experience with you.....if you ask---I know you will get a lot of response.....
Dont' forget that there is a lot of stuff that can help you heal in those 100 articles that I gave you....Right here in the Classic Reading section of the stickies.
If you need the link, again...I can give it to you.....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I left my XAH three years ago, divorce was final almost 6 months ago, and I still get triggered every time I see a message from him. I'm really, really, glad I left, and have had more moments of peace and happiness in the previous 3 years than in the 20 when we were together. But when I see a message from him, I feel shaky and nauseous. I look forward to the day when those message will be few and far between.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Midwest
Posts: 158
Thanks everyone, this site has increbily smart and wonderful people. I probably do have low self esteem, never really thought about that as I put on a good face. I do have a good support system and I do get out but find myself just going through the motions which leads me to believe, I may be in a bit of depression that I may need to seek out help. I feel like a failure in the marriage because looking back there were so many red flags from the first moment I met him and continued on to marry him. That is where my failure feelings come in. I really am much happier without him and know what I did was the right decision but I think I need some counseling. I also told him never to text me again but as we all know As have their head up their asses.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Michism…..lol....it probably shouldn't need to be said....but, Marriage does not, in itself, define a person's inherent value. I know that our culture gives this message to women, in lots of ways. However, this is not true.
I don't believe that people are "failures". Circumstances surrounding a person may go awray….but that does not indicate a person's inherent value.
Being married is not the only identity that a person can/should have. We all have many, many more dimentions.
Golly--I happen to know as many "messed-up" married people, as I know "messed-up" single or divorced people.....
The wiliness to seek out help and to be willing to do self examination are great indicators of self esteem, in my experience.....
Do you need that link that I spoke of?
I sincerely do hope that you will continue to read, here , and learn.....and to continue to post, yourself, as well as contributing your experience to the posts of others, on the forum.....
the more one gets involved, the more one gets out of this experience....
I don't believe that people are "failures". Circumstances surrounding a person may go awray….but that does not indicate a person's inherent value.
Being married is not the only identity that a person can/should have. We all have many, many more dimentions.
Golly--I happen to know as many "messed-up" married people, as I know "messed-up" single or divorced people.....
The wiliness to seek out help and to be willing to do self examination are great indicators of self esteem, in my experience.....
Do you need that link that I spoke of?
I sincerely do hope that you will continue to read, here , and learn.....and to continue to post, yourself, as well as contributing your experience to the posts of others, on the forum.....
the more one gets involved, the more one gets out of this experience....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Michsm 
I feel like a failure in the marriage because looking back there were so many red flags from the first moment I met him and continued on to marry him. That is where my failure feelings come in.
I felt stupid for quite a while, and part of what made it especially hard for me was that I felt I was walking in my mother's footsteps, turning a blind eye to XAH's behavior in the same way she turned a blind eye to my stepfather's behavior. Finally I'd read, heard and really absorbed enough to understand that I was not at fault for trusting the person I married. It would, in fact, be a lot stupider if I HADN'T trusted the person I married, right?
So go easy on yourself. Stop the blaming and trash-talking of yourself. Don't forget the lessons you've learned, but don't beat yourself over the head w/them all the time, either. Tuck those lessons away like a trusted book (Bible? cookbook?) in a place where they are safe but yet readily accessible when the need arises.
The only thing you're guilty of is high hopes and an open heart.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Mischsm, I think self-compassion is difficult for us, maybe due to
perfectionism or sense of failure.... But it seems to be critical for our
recovery and to move forward. Acceptance and having loving compassion
for ouselves in spite of poor choices in the past.
https://self-compassion.org/the-thre...-compassion-2/
perfectionism or sense of failure.... But it seems to be critical for our
recovery and to move forward. Acceptance and having loving compassion
for ouselves in spite of poor choices in the past.
https://self-compassion.org/the-thre...-compassion-2/
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Originally Posted by Michsm
I feel like a failure in the marriage because looking back there were so many red flags from the first moment I met him and continued on to marry him. That is where my failure feelings come in. I really am much happier without him and know what I did was the right decision but I think I need some counseling.
I don't see that as a failure at all. These are experiences in life, it's not little compartments of ourselves (if that makes sense). If we never went out of our comfort zones that would be pretty damn boring.
Now, that said, once we learn things it's wise to follow our wisdom. How do we get wise if we never venture?
If you feel you might be depressed, if you feel you need counselling, I hope you will seek it out today. When you are down it's probably the last thing you want to do, but baby steps, maybe make a phone call and make an appointment to see someone, even your GP, to talk about how you are feeling.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Originally Posted by Michsm
I have not lived in my own place last May when I left. I decided to build a house...it was a poor emotional decision at that point in my life and it will not be done until end of March. I am living on my own but nothing here is mine so maybe that is why...I feel stuck.
I am almost at the 5 year mark of my separation. It took over 4 years for me to start feeling halfway normal. We were together 14 years. Grief takes on a life of its own. It just IS what it IS.
Now, you go and start acquiring items for that new house. You will feel better once you are moved in. Keep working your recovery program. You GO girl!!!!
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Sometimes it takes a conscious decision made throughout each day to move ahead, to choose joy and get up again and again after being beaten up emotionally.
"Reframing is a way to turn any difficult situation into new opportunities. With reframing, you take power back from others and make something positive out of your not-so-positive situation. Instead of remaining stuck in the strong emotion that you feel, you use your strong emotion to make positive changes in your life both internally and externally."
Mindfulness and meditation help me with reframing my experiences and emotions.
Learning ways to fully relax has helped greatly with enjoying this day, this breath, this moment.
Stress in small doses, in safe spaces, can be looked at as a challenge:
"Frame stress as a challenge rather than a threat. When you do this, you become alive to opportunities,."
Moving on is knowing in your heart that there’s a bright future ahead.
- Accept the truth and be thankful.
To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and helped you learn and grow. It’s the acceptance of everything you have, everything you once had, and the possibilities that lie ahead. It’s all about finding the strength to embrace life’s changes, to trust your intuition, to learn as you go, to realize that every experience has value, and to continue taking positive steps forward.
- Distance yourself for a while.
Sometimes you need to take several steps back in order to gain clarity on a situation. The best way to do this is to simply take a break and explore something else for a while. Why? So you can return to where you started and see things with a new set of eyes. And the people there may see you differently too. Returning where you started is entirely different than never leaving.
- Focus only on what can be changed.
Realize that not everything in life is meant to be modified or perfectly understood. Live, let go, learn what you can and don’t waste energy worrying about the things you can’t change. Focus exclusively on what you can change, and if you can’t change something you don’t like, change the way you think about it. Review your options and then re-frame what you don’t like into a starting point for achieving something better.
- Take a chance.
When life sets you up with a challenge, there’s a reason for it; it’s meant to test your courage and willingness to make a change and take a chance on something new. There’s no point in denying that things are different now, or being fearful of the next step. The challenge will not wait even if you hesitate. Life only moves in one direction – forward. This challenge is your chance to let go of the old and make way for the new. Your destiny awaits your decision.
- Accept the truth and be thankful.
To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and helped you learn and grow. It’s the acceptance of everything you have, everything you once had, and the possibilities that lie ahead. It’s all about finding the strength to embrace life’s changes, to trust your intuition, to learn as you go, to realize that every experience has value, and to continue taking positive steps forward.
- Distance yourself for a while.
Sometimes you need to take several steps back in order to gain clarity on a situation. The best way to do this is to simply take a break and explore something else for a while. Why? So you can return to where you started and see things with a new set of eyes. And the people there may see you differently too. Returning where you started is entirely different than never leaving.
- Focus only on what can be changed.
Realize that not everything in life is meant to be modified or perfectly understood. Live, let go, learn what you can and don’t waste energy worrying about the things you can’t change. Focus exclusively on what you can change, and if you can’t change something you don’t like, change the way you think about it. Review your options and then re-frame what you don’t like into a starting point for achieving something better.
- Take a chance.
When life sets you up with a challenge, there’s a reason for it; it’s meant to test your courage and willingness to make a change and take a chance on something new. There’s no point in denying that things are different now, or being fearful of the next step. The challenge will not wait even if you hesitate. Life only moves in one direction – forward. This challenge is your chance to let go of the old and make way for the new. Your destiny awaits your decision.
Mindfulness and meditation help me with reframing my experiences and emotions.
Learning ways to fully relax has helped greatly with enjoying this day, this breath, this moment.
Stress in small doses, in safe spaces, can be looked at as a challenge:
"Frame stress as a challenge rather than a threat. When you do this, you become alive to opportunities,."
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