2018LizAnon

Went out with a guy I met through a dating app on Thursday. He is a 35 and a scientist. Very smart, has a good job, and seemed really sweet. We went to a brewery and were there for 2.5 hrs and both had 2 beers. It was a good time. He told me he had a happy hour yesterday with his lab where they were going out for karaoke.

Today he texts me telling me that the night was interesting and that he had 8 Kentucky mules. 8 whiskey drinks at a lab happy hour!? I responded, "you had eight Kentucky mules?", like not in an accusatory way, I was just surprised. And he was like, "my friend had 6, he was right behind me".

Am I being paranoid now? I really don't think this guy is an alcoholic, but come on, 8 drinks at a happy hour? That seems excessive. Especially for a 35 year old adult.

suki44883

Best advice: Trust your gut.

honeypig

^^ Yep. And he has a friend who drinks like he does. He's already telling you that drinking heavily, at least occasionally, is part of his life.

Remember that May Angelou saying? The one that goes "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time"?

xNOiSEx

Honestly I've never once drank like that in my entire life. That's a lot of drinks

trailmix

I, on the other hand, have had that many drinks in one sitting. That is a lot of drinks!

And yes, he is telling you something there, he didn't text, oh went to the lab thing and had a great time, so many stupid stories from the night.

No, he gave you a drink count, which tells its own story (granted, it was a happy hour).

Don't know that I would write him off right away, maybe you will decide to go out with him one more time and get more perspective (unless this is a boundary for you, of course), but no, you're not being paranoid in my opinion.

wehav2day

That’s odd, could be any reason. More will be revealed....

I can tell you this. When I was drinking, I would have told you anything about the night EXCEPT how much I’d drank. Active alkies don’t tend to want to draw attention to that.

velma929

"Happy hour" might go from 4 to 6 or 4 to 7, that's still a lot.

No, you're not being paranoid. He's telling you who he is before the two of you become more emotionally involved. Good for him, and you. You *can't * turn around and say you didn't know, because he's telling you before you have a second date.

SparkleKitty

Leelee168

Liz, at least you are trying to move forward by dating—that’s a big step. You’re my hero for that.

If he’s drinking more than you are comfortable, trust yourself and trust your gut. Have you had the hindsight about your ex, where now you see all the red flags that you missed or rationalized away? Don’t do it again

Best to you.

dandylion

Liz...….if you are going to go fishing, you have got to be willing to throw the small catch back......

AnvilheadII

date #1 at a brewery........not a restaurant, movie house or museum. next communication proudly stating exactly how many drinks he consumed and how he was ahead of his buddy.

if a) alcohol and b) consumption of said alcohol are concerns to you, then i think you've seen enough???

2018LizAnon

So he actually asked me if I wanted to get coffee or drinks, and I was the one that chose going to the brewery (we met in the evening and I didn't really want to get coffee), so it's not really fair to pin that on him. After the date he also told me that he'd love to grab coffee sometime during the day too (we work close to each other).

Yesterday, after I asked him about the 8 drinks, I didn't respond for a while because I wasn't sure what I wanted to say. Then last night he texted me that he was going to meet some friends but was not going to be drinking. So I think he kind of got the picture that I felt that that level of drinking was a bit immature.

For some weird reason, maybe because of the academic culture, it's really common for people (mostly men) to brag about how much they drink/party, as if they are college frat boys. Personally, I think it's because a lot of them were nerds in the real world/during college, but are now in an environment where they feel "cool" and want to brag about it.

My ex, in contrast, was actually a frat boy in college, continued to drink heavily in public and alone in grad school, and lie, not brag, about how much he drank.

It seems like, with this guy, perhaps the issue was more about him feeling like that type of thing would impress me, not that actually he has a problem with alcohol.

I'll give this guy another shot, and see.

2018LizAnon

I figure that it's good to get out there and have other experiences. Maybe I won't find the guy I want marry for a while, but at least I'll get an idea of different characteristics that I am and am not looking for. And nothing wrong with making new friends too. I think I definitely had this idea that nothing better than my ex exists, which is just absolutely ridiculous.

Yes, our relationship was littered with red flags. I don't think I missed the flags, but I certainly rationalized them away. But he was also my first love, and that feeling can trump a lot of rational thought.

SoberCAH

To continue your metaphor, I would cut bait.

Why walk down the path with a a likely, or at least potential, problem drinker?

There is a whole world of people out there who do not commence drinking every time the sun goes down.

trailmix

Yes, I also think it's great that you are getting out there and so true that you might make friends as well.

dandylion

Liz......I agree that it is good to enjoy a lot of dating experiences.....

AnvilheadII

For some weird reason, maybe because of the academic culture, it's really common for people (mostly men) to brag about how much they drink/party, as if they are college frat boys. Personally, I think it's because a lot of them were nerds in the real world/during college, but are now in an environment where they feel "cool" and want to brag about it.

ummmm, no. i have worked in a research facility with tons of academics and that is NOT the case. yes they have some on campus "beer hour" functions, but as far as bragging about their drinking habits? no. i've been there 28 years, so pretty sure i have an ear to the ground.

i'm curious if you see how quickly you jumped from concern to defend and rationalize with new guy?

suki44883

I still say trust your gut, and go with your first instinct.

2018LizAnon

Huh, that's interesting, because drinking is a huge part of the culture here for grad students, med students, postdocs, residents, PIs, etc. Definitely the work hard, play hard mentality. Tons of happy hours, bar crawls, "retreats", conferences, etc., where getting ********* is almost expected. One of the PIs on my floor is actually an active alcoholic; he's broken his collar bone falling down a flight of steps at a faculty recruiting event, is drunk at every department event, yet he still runs a lab because he's brilliant and gets funding, so the university turns a blind eye to it. I've definitely been hit on by drunk faculty members at work events. My old boss used to have a cabinet full of scotch/liquor in his office. Starting at about 3ish every Friday and sometime during the week, he and colleagues would sit around in his office and drink scotch for a few hours until they were drunk. Basically, there are two acceptable things to be doing: working in lab or drinking with colleagues. Drinking is really encouraged, and it's almost like if you don't go out to the bars or don't participate in happy hours, you miss out on work/collaboration opportunities. And if you go to these events and don't drink you're looked at as some sort of prude.

I'm not saying this to defend the guy I went out with or that what I described above is ok, just that my experience in academia has been a very, very heavy drinking culture, even more pressure to drink than during my undergrad.

dandylion

Liz...….In my experience...every environment can be different, even within the world of academia...and, even within each environment, there can be different "sub groups"....

I think that the main thing is that Liz has her eyes open, now. Eyes wide open, and the determination to have many different experiences of dating...…
Lis is not a "big girl", now...and realizes that a date is just a date. No obligations. Never to show up on a second date in a wedding dress...with the silver pattern already registered.
One can go an a second or third or more dates...if one wants to...or refuse a second date for ANY reason....."I just don't want to" is all the reason that one ever really needs.
Many will come (and that is great). but, few will be chosen (and that is o.k.)…..