Boundaries vs Kindness
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 34
Boundaries vs Kindness
Hi everyone.
I am struggling with how to establish boundaries with my AH and trying to be compassionate/kind with allowing access to the kids. He relapsed again (3 weeks ago) and this time drove with my 9 year old son in the vehicle (first time ever). He has struggled with alcoholism for at least 15 years and his longest sobriety was just under three years. The relapses have become more frequent in the last two years.
He is NOW attending meetings daily, or twice a day, is working with a new sponsor 2-3 times a week, has agreed to random drug testing and uses the breathalyzer every time he sees the children.
He was asked to leave the family home (gone three weeks now) and of course we are all struggling. Our children are 12,11,9 and 7, I am a stay at home mother and this is so difficult. I don’t want to punish him (actually sometimes I do) but he is sick and needs to fight his disease. I want the kids to see their Dad but also understand the consequences he must face for the terrible decisions he is making and choosing not to fight his illness everyday. Of course “he looks healthy and better now” so the questions of “why can’t he come home?” are beginning from two of the children. He needs to face his problems without shame. He is not the only one in the world with the disease and there are so many resources out there to help him.
This is not my problem to solve...........
Apologies for going off on a tangent.......guess I needed to vent.
I am struggling with how to establish boundaries with my AH and trying to be compassionate/kind with allowing access to the kids. He relapsed again (3 weeks ago) and this time drove with my 9 year old son in the vehicle (first time ever). He has struggled with alcoholism for at least 15 years and his longest sobriety was just under three years. The relapses have become more frequent in the last two years.
He is NOW attending meetings daily, or twice a day, is working with a new sponsor 2-3 times a week, has agreed to random drug testing and uses the breathalyzer every time he sees the children.
He was asked to leave the family home (gone three weeks now) and of course we are all struggling. Our children are 12,11,9 and 7, I am a stay at home mother and this is so difficult. I don’t want to punish him (actually sometimes I do) but he is sick and needs to fight his disease. I want the kids to see their Dad but also understand the consequences he must face for the terrible decisions he is making and choosing not to fight his illness everyday. Of course “he looks healthy and better now” so the questions of “why can’t he come home?” are beginning from two of the children. He needs to face his problems without shame. He is not the only one in the world with the disease and there are so many resources out there to help him.
This is not my problem to solve...........
Apologies for going off on a tangent.......guess I needed to vent.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Breaking down words, I learned compassion is based on "to suffer with". I've mostly scrapped that from my vocabulary. 
Kindness can be setting firm boundaries. As we learn to trust in our healthy instincts, this does get easier.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...d-my-life.html (Recovery: allowing good in my life)
Why do you want the kids to see their dad? What motives and beliefs are involved in this? Simply good things to reflect on.
Kindness can be setting firm boundaries. As we learn to trust in our healthy instincts, this does get easier.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...d-my-life.html (Recovery: allowing good in my life)
Why do you want the kids to see their dad? What motives and beliefs are involved in this? Simply good things to reflect on.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
A boundary is for you, so first and foremost you must establish what you want and what you are ready to stand behind. Boundaries are not dependent on the good behavior of others, they are only dependent on our own clarity within ourselves. Boundaries are internal. What are your boundaries right now?
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
The trauma we and our kids go through is fully seen later on, with looking back at it.
Something I've been doing for quite a while is writing down two different types of documentation. One is labeled "Just The Facts". I keep it pared down, stepping away from emotions. Another is a collection of text messages from my husband. I copy/paste and let it be for at least a day or two. Revisiting it with a bit of distance and after meditation I have new outlooks and interpretations that come up. I write these down, too.
Something I've been doing for quite a while is writing down two different types of documentation. One is labeled "Just The Facts". I keep it pared down, stepping away from emotions. Another is a collection of text messages from my husband. I copy/paste and let it be for at least a day or two. Revisiting it with a bit of distance and after meditation I have new outlooks and interpretations that come up. I write these down, too.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
You might find this thread, found in the Classic Reading stickies at the top of the forum, helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...oundaries.html (So what ARE Boundaries?)
It is tough, once the initial anger starts to wane. That's where you need to have resolve, perhaps even start writing your boundaries and why you have them, so you can refer to it.
His good work right now is commendable, but remember, this is all new and shocking to him too. He has had to leave his family to go live somewhere that is not "home", he knows he has hurt everyone involved, including his children. I don't think that anything can really be shown in such a short period of time, you can't judge his resolve just yet.
I would be very cautious at this point. Recovery takes time. Really it will take years, which does not mean, of course, that he needs to be separate from you for all that time but until such time as he has proven himself, you should probably stick with what you are doing right now.
The children won't really understand because how can they, they don't have this life experience. All you can do is let them know it will take time and to be patient. It would not be a bad idea, perhaps, for him to explain this to them as well. Children like consistency, as you know, perhaps having him visit with them on certain days at certain times would be helpful. This way they can know when to look forward to seeing Dad and it provides a framework they can focus on and not just - when do we see him again?
A year of solid sobriety is probably a good marker. Whether you can continue on as-is until then, I don't know. I would suggest perhaps counselling for yourself if you aren't already in counselling, someone with a lot of experience with addictions.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...oundaries.html (So what ARE Boundaries?)
It is tough, once the initial anger starts to wane. That's where you need to have resolve, perhaps even start writing your boundaries and why you have them, so you can refer to it.
His good work right now is commendable, but remember, this is all new and shocking to him too. He has had to leave his family to go live somewhere that is not "home", he knows he has hurt everyone involved, including his children. I don't think that anything can really be shown in such a short period of time, you can't judge his resolve just yet.
I would be very cautious at this point. Recovery takes time. Really it will take years, which does not mean, of course, that he needs to be separate from you for all that time but until such time as he has proven himself, you should probably stick with what you are doing right now.
The children won't really understand because how can they, they don't have this life experience. All you can do is let them know it will take time and to be patient. It would not be a bad idea, perhaps, for him to explain this to them as well. Children like consistency, as you know, perhaps having him visit with them on certain days at certain times would be helpful. This way they can know when to look forward to seeing Dad and it provides a framework they can focus on and not just - when do we see him again?
A year of solid sobriety is probably a good marker. Whether you can continue on as-is until then, I don't know. I would suggest perhaps counselling for yourself if you aren't already in counselling, someone with a lot of experience with addictions.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I think it's a good idea to establish who the boundaries are for. They're for you and your children so none is ever at risk again. Sounds like you're taking the right precautions but please don't assume he'll never drink again because he's in recovery now. I'd give it at least a year.
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