Can someone please help me with this
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 194
Can someone please help me with this
I went to Al Anon today, but had to leave too quickly (childcare constraints) before I could ask a lady to sponsor me. I have appointments set up this coming week with a therapist, a consultation with an attorney also. To catch you guys up, my AH relapsed Thursday and I caught him driving under the influence at .25 BAC with our son in the car.
I have asked him to leave or told him I will. There is a hotel nearby that is daily/weekly/monthly that can accommodate either one of us. I don't know what else to do, other than ask him not to live with us and subject us to this since he is not a safe parent right now. If he won't seek professional help (again, inpatient this time), the cycle won't stop, and I have to draw this boundary.
I need help with our son two nights a week--I could ask AH's mother, but I'm trying to let him tell her what's happening. I could hire a nanny as well. I guess I am asking for help on how to tell my son what is going on, he is 8. Legally and morally I can't let this go on. My AH thinks he is still okay to drive at .25; how could I let him stay with us when I am gone, he is in active addiction (now I know he's been at it more than just Thursday), and he may just try to drive w/son again? Should I go ahead and tell his parents, who are my only support nearby?
I am crushed, depressed, unable to concentrate, feel paralyzed, and angry as hell.
I have asked him to leave or told him I will. There is a hotel nearby that is daily/weekly/monthly that can accommodate either one of us. I don't know what else to do, other than ask him not to live with us and subject us to this since he is not a safe parent right now. If he won't seek professional help (again, inpatient this time), the cycle won't stop, and I have to draw this boundary.
I need help with our son two nights a week--I could ask AH's mother, but I'm trying to let him tell her what's happening. I could hire a nanny as well. I guess I am asking for help on how to tell my son what is going on, he is 8. Legally and morally I can't let this go on. My AH thinks he is still okay to drive at .25; how could I let him stay with us when I am gone, he is in active addiction (now I know he's been at it more than just Thursday), and he may just try to drive w/son again? Should I go ahead and tell his parents, who are my only support nearby?
I am crushed, depressed, unable to concentrate, feel paralyzed, and angry as hell.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 34
Hi Clarity.
This is a very difficult sitauation and I am sorry you are faced with it. I am in a similar boat and have kids that are the same age as your son. I would start with discussing the situation with your husband. I would say that it is time to have a conversation with your son and his Mom (parents). He can choose to be the leader of the discussions (with you present) or you can take the lead. He needs to face the reality of the situation with truth and honesty and if he is not in that place it is your job. No one loves him more than you but his Mom with be a close second. She is safe to bring this to and should offer support to all of you. This has become out of control and dangerous and he needs to acknowledge it. I have told my children that Daddy is sick. He has a disease and he needs help right now. It is very sad but we need to use “tough love” right now. Tough meaning it will be awful for all of us and the love part is because he is too sick to love himself so we need to do it for him
by asking him to leave and fight his disease. He may choose to “not be ready” or see it as “not a big deal” but you know the reality, and the boundaries you are ready to set up. Follow your heart but also your instincts to protect yourself, your son and ultimately your husband.
This is a very difficult sitauation and I am sorry you are faced with it. I am in a similar boat and have kids that are the same age as your son. I would start with discussing the situation with your husband. I would say that it is time to have a conversation with your son and his Mom (parents). He can choose to be the leader of the discussions (with you present) or you can take the lead. He needs to face the reality of the situation with truth and honesty and if he is not in that place it is your job. No one loves him more than you but his Mom with be a close second. She is safe to bring this to and should offer support to all of you. This has become out of control and dangerous and he needs to acknowledge it. I have told my children that Daddy is sick. He has a disease and he needs help right now. It is very sad but we need to use “tough love” right now. Tough meaning it will be awful for all of us and the love part is because he is too sick to love himself so we need to do it for him
by asking him to leave and fight his disease. He may choose to “not be ready” or see it as “not a big deal” but you know the reality, and the boundaries you are ready to set up. Follow your heart but also your instincts to protect yourself, your son and ultimately your husband.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 194
You are all my Godsend. AH did tell his parents, and was very upset and crying when he did, and described it more as "we have separated as we are not getting along right now", and he also told them it was over alcohol. The day after his binge, he worked early and came home, not moving from the couch from 3 pm until 9 pm. I stewed because it seemed he just didn't have a care in the world, watching The Office on Netflix. I ended the night furious, lashed out in front of our son, and I regret it deeply. What I said was "are you still drunk, ____?". And he used the F word w/me. I asked him to leave Sat. afternoon, to give us some space, and that I didn't know for how long or what to do. He was gone two nights, and DS was upset throughout, crying B4 school Monday, knowing things are horrible. My mother called AH and said he told her he would go to inpatient. He told me he most likely would. He hated being away and that I told him I will speak to an attorney next week. He seems almost willing to accept the victim role than take responsibility or initiate action towards recovery, but hi might be coming around to leaving for the treatment. His mother insists I calm my anger, and I know I have to, and have, and for now he is back here and unable to drive DS and I have help to enforce it until he leaves for inpatient. In a way, it feels like he called my bluff, in another way, I feel I need to support w/loving detachment his claim that he will attend inpatient. I won't sit in this limbo very long. I've prepared DS for AH leaving for 4 weeks, and explained that the fighting is about dad's health. DS said he hates whoever invented "those drugs", so he gets it, partially. I know not to ever let a fight be heard, but the loud, 2nd fight occurred Sat. when I thought DS went out the front door, and AH must've thought I knew that (he yelled too). I have help on my street when I need it, thankfully. Trying to stay the course and not freak out; Al Anon and SR are my lifeline. 
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Join Date: May 2010
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I am glad he is considering treatment, but that is on him.
As for now, it is true, living in an angry state affects everything, who you become. I say that from experience because I did it for so very long. Little did I know how much I affected my kids living in that state as well. Please don't let that happen to you friend.
I am always here for you. PM me anytime you need a buddy! You do not have to do this alone!
Huge Hugs!
As for now, it is true, living in an angry state affects everything, who you become. I say that from experience because I did it for so very long. Little did I know how much I affected my kids living in that state as well. Please don't let that happen to you friend.
I am always here for you. PM me anytime you need a buddy! You do not have to do this alone!
Huge Hugs!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Originally Posted by clarity888 
My mother called AH and said he told her he would go to inpatient. He told me he most likely would.
Hi Clarity, what a tough time for you and your child, I'm sorry you are having to go through this. What you said above reminded me of this part of one of the stickies in the Classic Reading section, which I have thought to be true and important for me to remember:
"Probably"
Alcoholics are the very best liars because they are able to use rationalization and justification to convince themselves that a lie is truth. This happens subconsciously. They are not aware that they are, if you’ll pardon the term – mind screwing themselves. Alcoholics adopt a language that facilitates lying in a way that sounds very well intentioned. Their favorite word is, “probably.” This word implies intention where in fact none exists. An alcoholic who tells you they will probably do something is highly unlikely to do it. Using words like these provides them a loop hole – an escape hatch in which no absolutes are given and no promises made.
The alcoholic relies on words and phrases like: possibly, maybe, would, could, should, I’d like to, I want to, I need to. These words mean nothing. They sound good but almost always lead to disappointment. Progressively, alcoholism blurs every line and impacts every interaction, every relationship, every part of the alcoholic’s world.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-thinking.html (A good article on Alcoholic Thinking)
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
I've been angry too. Can I suggest you do some reading about mindfulness? It has helped me so much. Now when I start to get angry / overwhelmed/ panicky I use mindfulness. It works really well and I'm getting better at it the more I do it.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 62
I remember yelling at my AH when he relapsed. I was so so angry! I thought the kids were asleep, but when I went in their room to check on them I could hear them crying. I had just made a bad situation even worse. I vowed never to yell at my AH for his drinking again. It's not like yelling helped anyway. I've kept my promise since then and it's paid off. I was able to think clearly and walk away without letting emotions consume me. I made a plan and stuck to it. He wouldn't leave, so I left. I had to explain to the kids why we were leaving but I made it clear we would be just fine. Being away from the chaos actually allows peace and calm, which is crucial for a young child. I made sure we had extra fun and self care, while we were away. Once we were gone and I filed for divorce, AH knew there were only two options: get better or die alone. He chose to get better, and has been in an intensive outpatient treatment ever since. It sounds like you will have to be extra strong for you and your DS. I know feels like your world is crumbling, but you can get through this. Use all the support you have available and do extra self care. Keep those boundaries; you're doing great! Big hugs!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it's likely a mistake to let him back in so quickly with no solid treatment plan in place. now he can cook up all sorts of excuses, delays, deferrals, and so on, and still be in the house, being a jackass.
as you know, treatment is NOT going to fix this. it won't FIX him, and it won't resolve your marital strife. he will not be cured. if you read around here enough you will see that AFTER rehab can be the worst times....the newly sober addict feels entitled and bullet proof, the spouse resentful as hell, the kids confused. it is better that the recovering person go live elsewhere until they have the sober thing a bit more under control. sober living, half way house, somebody else's house. because all the dynamics and resentments and bad memories and angry words are still very much alive and bouncing off the walls of the home. it's like the dope house.....it's where he drank, got drunk, was loud, abusive, a terror.
IF he were serious, he'd be on the phone arranging to get in to a facility as fast as humanly possible. he'd be taking action RIGHT THIS MINUTE. he'd be scared but a little excited too. he'd be motivated.
as you know, treatment is NOT going to fix this. it won't FIX him, and it won't resolve your marital strife. he will not be cured. if you read around here enough you will see that AFTER rehab can be the worst times....the newly sober addict feels entitled and bullet proof, the spouse resentful as hell, the kids confused. it is better that the recovering person go live elsewhere until they have the sober thing a bit more under control. sober living, half way house, somebody else's house. because all the dynamics and resentments and bad memories and angry words are still very much alive and bouncing off the walls of the home. it's like the dope house.....it's where he drank, got drunk, was loud, abusive, a terror.
IF he were serious, he'd be on the phone arranging to get in to a facility as fast as humanly possible. he'd be taking action RIGHT THIS MINUTE. he'd be scared but a little excited too. he'd be motivated.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
My mother called AH and said he told her he would go to inpatient. He told me he most likely would.
it feels like he called my bluff,
When is he leaving for rehab? Has he attended any AA meetings, sought out counseling? Something? Anything?
I agree with AnvilheadII, if he was serious his actions yesterday, last night, today would be showing it, not just saying it.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi clarity,
How are you today?
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ens-again.html (and it happens again.)
This was really big stuff that happened last week. Be kind to yourself. There's a lot on your plate right now.
How are you today?
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ens-again.html (and it happens again.)
This was really big stuff that happened last week. Be kind to yourself. There's a lot on your plate right now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 194
Hopeful, I will take you up on the IM...Wombaticus, mindfulness is something I've been interested in and will continue studying it via You Tube & Thich Hanh. Sotired, I made the same vow to control myself, my reactions, after this week.
I guess Tue. (two days ago), AH returned from AA and I knew he'd been drinking because that's one way for him to get it done. He tried to avoid the breathalyzer and would not just admit to a beer or two--he blew a .01 or so. I know why he lied, it's shame, all that. Anyway, DS has cried at home a lot. As of today, I now know AH needs to detox again. I knew he'd slipped up, and could not see how badly (again), I just knew something was off and told myself "more will be revealed". Which it was. Today, I met DS at school for lunch and he was crying over something another kid said to him. DS's teacher saw me, and mentioned DS crying at school all week (which I did not know about), and she asked me to go speak with the school counselor (she texted the counselor right then to tell her I was there). After getting a text back, his teacher informed me the counselor had just called AH to come meet, I guess due to today's incident with the other child. Teacher said to go meet w/AH and counselor in 30 minutes. There, counselor said all DS's teachers are very concerned and that DS won't tell them why he is sad. AH sat as far from me as possible in the three areas we sat today. I told the counselor we had argued a lot recently, and left it at that. She gave a list of local counselors and said to let her know how she can help (daily, if need be, but DS would have to confide/communicate). I got DS a counseling appointment from her list of referrals, either tomorrow for $300 (walk in place, reimbursable later as out of network) or next week for $50.
Walking out of the school, all I said to AH was that we both knew why DS was upset this week. I told him I f-ed up with DS and I hope not irreparably. I said "I don't know how to help DS right now, because I don't know if you will get help, and it's all in limbo, but we have to agree on how to proceed in a calm fashion". AH said the usual "I don't want to go for 28 days, I am scared, etc.". He did say his boss ok'd it though. Then we parted ways for 2 hours. Then, I got a text from AH saying he'd found an inpatient rehab that uses Refuge Recovery, which he likes a lot, and that he will start detox next week and start inpatient the next week. Oh, and I saw an attorney today, which is a totally different story. It is good knowing what she taught me. So, it's been a wild, weird week, and I guess I've been in denial for God knows how long this time around. Thanks for all the support. Am taking extra care of DS and self by going to Chuck E Cheese tonight for Valentine's Day (DS is off school tomorrow). Thanks for letting me share.
I guess Tue. (two days ago), AH returned from AA and I knew he'd been drinking because that's one way for him to get it done. He tried to avoid the breathalyzer and would not just admit to a beer or two--he blew a .01 or so. I know why he lied, it's shame, all that. Anyway, DS has cried at home a lot. As of today, I now know AH needs to detox again. I knew he'd slipped up, and could not see how badly (again), I just knew something was off and told myself "more will be revealed". Which it was. Today, I met DS at school for lunch and he was crying over something another kid said to him. DS's teacher saw me, and mentioned DS crying at school all week (which I did not know about), and she asked me to go speak with the school counselor (she texted the counselor right then to tell her I was there). After getting a text back, his teacher informed me the counselor had just called AH to come meet, I guess due to today's incident with the other child. Teacher said to go meet w/AH and counselor in 30 minutes. There, counselor said all DS's teachers are very concerned and that DS won't tell them why he is sad. AH sat as far from me as possible in the three areas we sat today. I told the counselor we had argued a lot recently, and left it at that. She gave a list of local counselors and said to let her know how she can help (daily, if need be, but DS would have to confide/communicate). I got DS a counseling appointment from her list of referrals, either tomorrow for $300 (walk in place, reimbursable later as out of network) or next week for $50.
Walking out of the school, all I said to AH was that we both knew why DS was upset this week. I told him I f-ed up with DS and I hope not irreparably. I said "I don't know how to help DS right now, because I don't know if you will get help, and it's all in limbo, but we have to agree on how to proceed in a calm fashion". AH said the usual "I don't want to go for 28 days, I am scared, etc.". He did say his boss ok'd it though. Then we parted ways for 2 hours. Then, I got a text from AH saying he'd found an inpatient rehab that uses Refuge Recovery, which he likes a lot, and that he will start detox next week and start inpatient the next week. Oh, and I saw an attorney today, which is a totally different story. It is good knowing what she taught me. So, it's been a wild, weird week, and I guess I've been in denial for God knows how long this time around. Thanks for all the support. Am taking extra care of DS and self by going to Chuck E Cheese tonight for Valentine's Day (DS is off school tomorrow). Thanks for letting me share.
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