Well I wasn’t expecting that...
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Well I wasn’t expecting that...
I’ve been lazy about scheduling divorce mediation with my husband because other things have taken a higher priority. There wasn’t any real consequence so far... we are living apart and I have our son.
Anyway, that has changed. I’m calling a lawyer on Monday and getting this party started
Why? Well I noticed on the statement for our joint checking account that I could see his credit card balance and how many “points” he earns a month ($1 spent = point). I could also see the balance of his savings account. We’ve had a joint checking account for years.. I’m not sure why I just noticed or thought to even look at the statement? Divine intervention? Haha
Anyway, it appears as he has blown through almost his entire savings in 2 years. Tens of thousands of dollars. He’s also spending thousands each month on his credit card. So I immediately think—what the f is he doing?
I call the bank 1-800 # and get a list of the recent transactions. He’s pulling $600 out of atms at LEAST once a week. Doing what? I don’t know. He also does it when he’s out of town for work. It’s not on a set schedule. He’s also putting money back into the account so he’s not just draining it to hide it somewhere. I have a feeling he’s going to strip clubs. A lot. And spending a lot. How sad is that? When I found the prescription drugs in his closet I also found a large wad of $1 bills.
He has just been spending his money so far(we both have our own savings) which I don’t really care about. But I want to file ASAP in case there are other credit cards I don’t know about, etc.
Just.... wow....
Anyway, that has changed. I’m calling a lawyer on Monday and getting this party started
Why? Well I noticed on the statement for our joint checking account that I could see his credit card balance and how many “points” he earns a month ($1 spent = point). I could also see the balance of his savings account. We’ve had a joint checking account for years.. I’m not sure why I just noticed or thought to even look at the statement? Divine intervention? Haha
Anyway, it appears as he has blown through almost his entire savings in 2 years. Tens of thousands of dollars. He’s also spending thousands each month on his credit card. So I immediately think—what the f is he doing?
I call the bank 1-800 # and get a list of the recent transactions. He’s pulling $600 out of atms at LEAST once a week. Doing what? I don’t know. He also does it when he’s out of town for work. It’s not on a set schedule. He’s also putting money back into the account so he’s not just draining it to hide it somewhere. I have a feeling he’s going to strip clubs. A lot. And spending a lot. How sad is that? When I found the prescription drugs in his closet I also found a large wad of $1 bills.
He has just been spending his money so far(we both have our own savings) which I don’t really care about. But I want to file ASAP in case there are other credit cards I don’t know about, etc.
Just.... wow....
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I will say I have no evidence of where this cash goes, but there is no explanation that isn’t awful. He’s also doing a bunch of cash advances on his credit card. He complains about living with his parents so much... with the amount of money he’s spending he could have a nice apartment to himself. 🙄. I almost feel sorry for him.
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Yes, I'm sorry to hear that. It's terrible what goes on. I would really like to read a post from someone where the alcoholic "surprises" them when they look at an account and they have upped the deposits in the joint account by 25 percent or something.
Doesn't ever seem to work that way.
The selfishness is amazing and saddening.
As dandylion said though, I wouldn't waste one moment feeling sorry for him. He has money, he's having a party (a sad party yes, but there is help available, I imagine that's enough money for some really good treatment), that's his choice though.
Doesn't ever seem to work that way.
The selfishness is amazing and saddening.
As dandylion said though, I wouldn't waste one moment feeling sorry for him. He has money, he's having a party (a sad party yes, but there is help available, I imagine that's enough money for some really good treatment), that's his choice though.
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Before I figured it all out I asked him if I could see a credit card statement because our monthly payment seemed high (from the joint checking acct). He has ignored my request. But I don’t confront him about this, do I? I know it’s pointless, and I don’t want to, but having unspoken things with people gives me anxiety. I’m the worst liar on the face of the planet. (Opposites attract?)
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Originally Posted by AutumnMama 
Before I figured it all out I asked him if I could see a credit card statement because our monthly payment seemed high (from the joint checking acct).
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
AM, are you on the hook for these credit card debts?
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your credit score can be affected as "only" an authorized user. when my partner and i considered buying a house together, he didn't have any credit, so no credit score. the quickest way was to add him on to some of my existing credit. i did such a good job that he had a better score than i did!!!!
but the reverse could easily happen too. the sooner you have your finances legally separated the better.
but the reverse could easily happen too. the sooner you have your finances legally separated the better.
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FWIW when XAH left his second wife (the one after me), she discovered he had ten credit cards she didn't know about (when she picked up the mail after he moved out). Total balance was over $100K, no payments being made. Lots and lots of cash advances for a few hundred dollars and liquor charges, as well as lots of purchases of goods she had never seen. She wasn't on the hook for repayment, but it did complicate their divorce because XAH claimed that some of the outstanding costs were for the marital household (he bought furniture and art for cash on kijiji??) and therefore should form part of the property that was being divided (in other words, he tried to hand off some of his debt to her because the costs were incurred while they were living together). She managed to get out from under it, but it involved a lot of lawyer time and affidavits from her to the effect that none of the expenditures on the cards went into their joint property.
So it might be wise to check with your lawyer as to how these new credit cards affect your own division of property (and divorce ASAP!).
So it might be wise to check with your lawyer as to how these new credit cards affect your own division of property (and divorce ASAP!).
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Really good point Sasha, especially since the payment for the card is coming out of your joint account (that is something that perhaps you could get rid of right away?)
My understanding of being an authorized user is that you are not legally responsible for making payments on a card (as opposed to actually being added to the cardholder account), so hopefully that is not an issue, but the - what did he buy thing, as Sasha mentions could just make things messy.
My understanding of being an authorized user is that you are not legally responsible for making payments on a card (as opposed to actually being added to the cardholder account), so hopefully that is not an issue, but the - what did he buy thing, as Sasha mentions could just make things messy.
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I feel like he isn't a good role model for our son, but he hasn't done anything to endanger him so I'm kind of stuck on the sidelines for that whole pile of crap.
Side thought--is sex addiction any better or worse than an alcohol or drug addiction? I mean you don't have the chemicals going into your body, but it still seems like a downward spiral of mental health.
Anyway--today I checked my credit report. Nothing surprising there. So that's good! I also called and left a message with a lawyer to schedule a consultation. I'm going to get a recommendation from a coworker as well--he said he had a good suggestion when I told him my situation.
All my friends have suggested I not confront my husband about any of this, so I am keeping it to myself right now. It's definitely not in my character though, so that may be the hardest part of this whole deal. I don't feel any anger or jealousy or anything... just feel like life is taking me by the shoulders and shaking me. "FINISH THIS!" If anything, I feel disgust and a little "wow he is worse than I thought".
Side thought--is sex addiction any better or worse than an alcohol or drug addiction? I mean you don't have the chemicals going into your body, but it still seems like a downward spiral of mental health.
Anyway--today I checked my credit report. Nothing surprising there. So that's good! I also called and left a message with a lawyer to schedule a consultation. I'm going to get a recommendation from a coworker as well--he said he had a good suggestion when I told him my situation.
All my friends have suggested I not confront my husband about any of this, so I am keeping it to myself right now. It's definitely not in my character though, so that may be the hardest part of this whole deal. I don't feel any anger or jealousy or anything... just feel like life is taking me by the shoulders and shaking me. "FINISH THIS!" If anything, I feel disgust and a little "wow he is worse than I thought".
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Keeping your mouth shut and avoiding the confrontation is absolutely so hard.
I don't know which is worse of an addiction. I have seen in my XAH that he is addicted to many things because of his addictive personality. It is literally a part of who he is. It does not make it right, it's just a fact about him. It will never change, and I have accepted that.
My suggestion would be to make sure you are as stable and strong as you can possibly be, because your son is the one who will ultimately pay the price of his father's bad behavior, there is nothing you can do about that. Be stable for him, be the rock he will need as he grows.
Hugs.
I don't know which is worse of an addiction. I have seen in my XAH that he is addicted to many things because of his addictive personality. It is literally a part of who he is. It does not make it right, it's just a fact about him. It will never change, and I have accepted that.
My suggestion would be to make sure you are as stable and strong as you can possibly be, because your son is the one who will ultimately pay the price of his father's bad behavior, there is nothing you can do about that. Be stable for him, be the rock he will need as he grows.
Hugs.
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it's always worse then thought (or hoped). and in this case, it sounds like strip clubs would be the better of other options. sounds more like escorts and dope........but that is just suspicious lil ole me. and the amounts.
however - since it is HIS account and HIS money, as you said, it's not really your business, unless some of that money should be paying bills or obligations and they are not getting paid - kid's school tuition, college, car payments etc. but if it's truly his and you don't have dibs on any of it, then you really do need to stay radio silent. as i like to say, don't keep handing bullets to the guy with the gun.
however - since it is HIS account and HIS money, as you said, it's not really your business, unless some of that money should be paying bills or obligations and they are not getting paid - kid's school tuition, college, car payments etc. but if it's truly his and you don't have dibs on any of it, then you really do need to stay radio silent. as i like to say, don't keep handing bullets to the guy with the gun.
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If you share joint bills with him, and the money he is spending is something you will be responsible for, then you have a right to know all about it.
I personally would bypass him all together. If your name is on anything, call them and tell them you want copies of everything. Take him out of the equation and avoid that confrontation.
Just my two cents friend.
I personally would bypass him all together. If your name is on anything, call them and tell them you want copies of everything. Take him out of the equation and avoid that confrontation.
Just my two cents friend.
Originally Posted by AutumnMama
Before I figured it all out I asked him if I could see a credit card statement because our monthly payment seemed high (from the joint checking acct). He has ignored my request. But I don’t confront him about this, do I? I know it’s pointless, and I don’t want to, but having unspoken things with people gives me anxiety. I’m the worst liar on the face of the planet. (Opposites attract?)
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This sounds like one of these situations in which having a lawyer makes things possible which would not be possible otherwise. A lawyer could request all records related to joint accounts as part of financial disclosure, so you don't have to do it. I can't recall - have you retained anyone?
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