Changing the terminology doesn’t change the outcome
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Changing the terminology doesn’t change the outcome
My ah hated the word/term alcoholic. He would almost react as if I hit him if I said alcoholic. Instead he came up with the term ‘chronic’ to describe others (not him of course!) that are alcoholics. He explained the difference between someone who was ‘chronic’ and someone like himself. A Chronic was someone who couldn’t get physically through the day without drinking. A chronic hid how much he drank and often drank alone. My husband didn’t hide anything, therefore= not chronic. My husband could go a day or two without drinking (only did this maybe 1x a year and only to show he could do it). My husband didn’t think he was physically dependent on alcohol but chose to drink because of boredom, being social, happy/celebrate, sad/stressed out, etc. If I had a problem with it (which I often did) that was because I was evil/jealous and wanted to spoil his having fun. All those jobs he got fired from we’re in no way related to his drinking. There was a “bitch that was lazy and out to get him.” Or the company was failing even though he was the “best employee there”. after a while I started pointing out he was the only constant in all these situations. He got defensive/angry and told me I wasn’t being supportive, that I was taking ‘their side’. No, I was just sick of the denial and hypocrisy
In October I found my husband unresponsive downstairs at 10am. Im pretty sure the paramedics could tell right away he was gone but still worked on him for 30 minutes. He died from a cardiac arrest brought on by doing cocaine the day before while on golf course. His heart was enlarged and diseased due to CHRONIC ethanol consumption and intoxication. This is on his death certificate, by a doctor. Not written by me, the mean jealous wife.
So in the end, he was considered chronic after all. Even if he didn’t think so, his heart disagreed.
In October I found my husband unresponsive downstairs at 10am. Im pretty sure the paramedics could tell right away he was gone but still worked on him for 30 minutes. He died from a cardiac arrest brought on by doing cocaine the day before while on golf course. His heart was enlarged and diseased due to CHRONIC ethanol consumption and intoxication. This is on his death certificate, by a doctor. Not written by me, the mean jealous wife.
So in the end, he was considered chronic after all. Even if he didn’t think so, his heart disagreed.
Last edited by Mamapajama; 02-07-2019 at 04:26 AM. Reason: Add more info
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
I'm sorry to hear this. Please accept my condolences.
Hearing about your husbands contrived mechanisms of denial and the tragic end it came to was like reading a psychological study. We often say, "Anyone can recover." While that might be true, it tends to minimize individual differences in psychological make up.
Recovering alcoholics here are quick to admit that denial was once a part of their life. At some point, they admitted to their denial, and whether they were in AA or just stopped on their own, everyone that recovers at one time or another, "Admitted we were powerless over alcohol." This insight is essential, but not everyone can do it as easily as others. And it's not just an alcoholic trait. It's a human trait and much deeper ingrained in some than others. For some, it's so deeply ingrained, they may very well be beyond help.
Why? It's easy for recovering alcoholics to man up and admit they were licked, or own up to their mistakes, but we have all met people who are incapable of changing perceptions, or who carry protecting their egos to religious extremes, and who deny and even lie for no reason.
You husband reminded me of one of those. People like that are not in short supply. Alcohol is very dangerous for these psychological types, and when such people get seduced by alcohol, the chances of finding their way out is near the Impossible end of the Possible/Impossible scale.
Hearing about your husbands contrived mechanisms of denial and the tragic end it came to was like reading a psychological study. We often say, "Anyone can recover." While that might be true, it tends to minimize individual differences in psychological make up.
Recovering alcoholics here are quick to admit that denial was once a part of their life. At some point, they admitted to their denial, and whether they were in AA or just stopped on their own, everyone that recovers at one time or another, "Admitted we were powerless over alcohol." This insight is essential, but not everyone can do it as easily as others. And it's not just an alcoholic trait. It's a human trait and much deeper ingrained in some than others. For some, it's so deeply ingrained, they may very well be beyond help.
Why? It's easy for recovering alcoholics to man up and admit they were licked, or own up to their mistakes, but we have all met people who are incapable of changing perceptions, or who carry protecting their egos to religious extremes, and who deny and even lie for no reason.
You husband reminded me of one of those. People like that are not in short supply. Alcohol is very dangerous for these psychological types, and when such people get seduced by alcohol, the chances of finding their way out is near the Impossible end of the Possible/Impossible scale.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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Originally Posted by Mamapajama 
His heart was enlarged and diseased due to CHRONIC ethanol consumption and intoxication. This is on his death certificate, by a doctor. Not written by me, the mean jealous wife.
So in the end, he was considered chronic after all. Even if he didn’t think so, his heart disagreed.
So in the end, he was considered chronic after all. Even if he didn’t think so, his heart disagreed.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
I am so sorry for your loss, Mama
Sadly, the old "Terminal Uniqueness" they talk about in the programs ultimately proved terminal literally in your husband's case.
This is strong evidence to me that AA's claim that addiction is a spiritual problem, is correct.
Sadly, the old "Terminal Uniqueness" they talk about in the programs ultimately proved terminal literally in your husband's case.
This is strong evidence to me that AA's claim that addiction is a spiritual problem, is correct.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi mamapajama,
Words mean nothing, and they mean everything. Paradoxical wisdom. There are many ways of looking at any subject and the intent or meanings behind the words can mean a lot.
I see words thrown around in defense and deflection as much different than the same words given with no strings attached and an open heart.
I see pajamas as comfy, cozy, relaxing and abundant varieties of designs, styles and types. I recently read an article that held lots of great info, yet viewed pajamas as "baggy/lazy/sloppy. That part I don't relate to. I continually learn to take what I like and leave the rest.
The Mayo Clinic has an article about "Alcohol use disorder (which includes a level that's sometimes called alcoholism)". Many ways of looking at a disease that affects many, many people. We're not alone.
How are you and kids doing now? Grieving is a journey of it's own.
Words mean nothing, and they mean everything. Paradoxical wisdom. There are many ways of looking at any subject and the intent or meanings behind the words can mean a lot.
I see words thrown around in defense and deflection as much different than the same words given with no strings attached and an open heart.
I see pajamas as comfy, cozy, relaxing and abundant varieties of designs, styles and types. I recently read an article that held lots of great info, yet viewed pajamas as "baggy/lazy/sloppy. That part I don't relate to. I continually learn to take what I like and leave the rest.
The Mayo Clinic has an article about "Alcohol use disorder (which includes a level that's sometimes called alcoholism)". Many ways of looking at a disease that affects many, many people. We're not alone.
How are you and kids doing now? Grieving is a journey of it's own.
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