Concernedhubs

My wife, in my opinion, is an alcoholic. She doesn't drink every day. Sometimes goes a few days without alcohol but you can see the anxiety and restlessness building the longer she goes. She states that because she doesn't drink every night that she is not an alcoholic. Sometimes(mostly) she drinks beers. Ranging from 3-4 to a 12 pack. Sometimes she drinks wine, ranging from a bottle to a box. Sometimes she drinks liquor, usually less than half a fifth sometimes she finishes the bottle. When she drinks she gets all of her built up emotions and problems out. In the middle of the night with our 8 year old sleeping in the room next door. She has a "puke pot" as I call it the brings to bed with her as she knows she will be sick the next day. She goes from fine to psychotic(screaming, yelling, breaking things) in a matter of a few drinks. She has left driving, she has left walking, etc. To me it seems like alcoholism, but the pesky fact that she doesn't drink everyday leaves me wandering. She says that she has anxiety and was diagnosed as a child with insomnia and uses it as an "excuse" in my opinion to drink.

Zevin

Are you positive she doesn't drink everyday? The "puke pot" sounds very odd to me....

trailmix

Hi and welcome to SR. Alcoholism isn't defined by whether someone drinks every day or not.

The dictionary defines it as:

"an addiction to the consumption of alcoholic liquor or the mental illness and compulsive behavior resulting from alcohol dependency".

That's a short example. If your wife is not physically addicted to alcohol she certainly seems to have a drinking problem.

It's said around here a lot that knowledge is power. I would recommend you learn as much about alcoholism as you can. You might want to start in the stickies section of this forum, in particular these threads:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

In that list are two that might be particularily helpful right now:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-thinking.html (A good article on Alcoholic Thinking)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)

You might also find these articles helpful:

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

"First the addict lies to himself about his addiction, then he begins to lie to others. Lying, evasion, deception, manipulation, spinning and other techniques for avoiding or distorting the truth are necessary parts of the addictive process. They precede the main body of the addiction like military sappers and shock troops, mapping and clearing the way for its advance and protecting it from hostile counterattacks".

Keep posting, lots of wisdom here and lots of information.

suki44883

The frequency of drinking doesn't really matter. Many alcoholics are binge drinkers who can go days and sometimes weeks without alcohol. The problem is when they start drinking they are unable to stop.

I highly recommend you read the links trailmix provided. Knowledge is power.

Awal

Im sorry to hear you are having to deal with this and your 8 year old must have noticed what is happening too. There is a definite problem with drinking, it doesn't need the label "alcoholic" to define the upset this is causing in your home. I hope the links that Trailmix has put on here help you.
An awful situation for you x

PeacefulWater12

I am so sorry you are in this heart breaking situation. I also strongly recommend you reading up about alcoholism. It really helps to deal with it. Then to decide what you want to do to move forward.

D122y

Conc,

I have never been diagnosed as an addict or alcoholic but I sure acted like one. If I wasn't one when I quit drinking, I was very close to being one.

Your wife is like me in some ways. I was a mellow drunk. Would hurt a fly. Never lashed out etc. That is probably why I was able to drink for so long.

Your drunk wife, I prefer the term drunk or addict, is in a world of hell on earth. You and your 8 year old are along for the ride.

Active addicts are in an insane state. No normal person would lash out and hurt the ones they love on a routine basis. No normal person would ingest something that they know is going to make them sick.

Active addicts will look for reasons to drink. Good, bad, whatever. As long as they get their booze.

Her drinking problem is not going to be fun for anyone anymore. It might even turn into a horror show...e.g. someone getting stabbed or something.

If your wife keeps getting violent while drinking, you can have her locked up. The cops will 5150 her. Google it.

Of course, she will hate you, maybe forever, but it is better than your poor 8 year old going insane because his mom is an abusive drunk.

You don't deserve to deal with a drunk's nonsense either.

You are in the driver's seat once she gets intoxicated. You have a duty to protect that child if she is endangering its body or soul.

It is a bad place to be for you right now. You deserve honest advice and that is what I have given you.

Your wife will quit drinking when she is ready. She may never be ready. Nothing else, not even prison, can stop an addict intent on getting high.

Addiction is insanity. The only way out is to suffer and that is why so many never make it out. The suffering gets unbearable and they relapse.

Education and the desire to quit are the key. Without those two things I was doomed.

It is the sad truth.

Thanks.

Wamama48

An alcoholic, or problem drinker, is the most selfish person on the face of the earth. I'm really sorry you and your daughter are on the receiving end of her selfishness. Remember that unless a person stops drinking, alcoholism is always, always progressive. It will get worse.

Eddiebuckle

The label is meaningless. Whether she is an alcoholic or not, the way she acts when she drinks is not even remotely normal or healthy. Non-alcoholics can choose to not drink, so either a: she doesn't care about the consequences of her drinking or b: she cannot not drink.

You have no control over her choices, only your own. If you find the status quo to be untenable, the hula hoop analogy is one people mention in AA & Al Anon. Step inside a hula hoop: what exists outside of the hoop are things you likely need to accept, and things inside the hoop are things you likely need to change.

So... what are you going to accept and/or change?

Mango212

The only denial we can do anything about is our own.

atalose

What if you were to get a concrete diagnosis that she is in fact an alcoholic, then what? What might be your next step?

FallenAngelina

I never understand what "denial" has to do with anything. It doesn't matter what you label someone, what matters is your experience in the relationship. Your experience is your experience and if it's not working for you, then stand by that. You don't need anyone's consent or agreement to have the perspective that you have. I have never seen accusations of "denial" get anywhere but push someone into defensiveness. Focus on your experience in the relationship, not on how much she's drinking or what label you assign her. Our local Al-Anon just changed the wording on the website from "alcoholic" to "problem drinker," I suppose because so many people get caught up in thinking that seeking help is only for hard case alcoholics (or friends of.) If someone's drinking is a problem for you, then there's a problem.

Paperbag

I occasionaly went a day without drinking, but I'm definitely an alcoholic, no doubt about it. If I wasn't drinking, I'd be thinking of drink.
Reading others posts from family members, the drinkers are showing all the signs that I used to. Explaining that it isn't a problem, knowing when I would be sick the next day, nt caring what type of alcohol I was drinking, pointing the finger at others.
No matter what anyone said to me, I wouldn't have dreamt of quitting until I realise dthe problems for myself. I knew it was bad when I was hiding empties in my shed and keeping a bottle of whisky in the bottom of the fling cabinet, or waking the dog then dangling a bag of drink on a string over the back gate, so I could retrieve it when I went out for a fag.

Sliding empties right down t the bottom of the recycling bin. Drinking wine out of a plastic beaker in case my wife came home early and I could neck it, then say it was a lemsip or something. Brushing my teeth between drinks in case the wife came home early and smelt it on my breath. Putting my empty wine bottle in my work bag to dispose of them at work.

We're a very crafty bunch you know.

Cyranoak

she's an alcoholic. you know it. her opinion on the matter is irrelevant. now that that's put to bed you need to figure out how you are going to live the rest of your life and protect yourself and your child. your number one responsibility is your child which makes taking care of yourself extremely important. do not put your wife before your child and make sure you care for yourself in such a way as you can care for your child.

Start with Alanon and it will help you figure the rest out. Your wife, regretfully, is on a path you have very little control over, and it's going to get worse over time, not better. The fact she chooses to drink when you have a child, and that she becomes angry when she does, is all you need to know. how frequently it happens is irrelevant ********. Good luck to you.

Cyranoak

Clover71