MsGrace

I have a question for the wise ones here. My husband's ex-wife is a decades-long alcoholic who seems to have switched from alcohol addiction to Jesus addiction. Every alcoholic tendency is still in place, just changed faces. It's all she ever talks about. Their 12-year-old son is very disturbed about it, so much so he wants to come live with us. She threatens to tell the child every evil thing she can make up about my husband, as she blames him, of course.
We want to preserve our peace of mind and also help this boy. We have him one 3 day weekend each month, longer school holidays and all summer. He has a very different experience in our home.
Any ideas about how to navigate this?

Mango212

Hi Ms Grace,

Are you in Al-anon? This is where sponsorship can be immensely valuable. My sponsor and her sponsor have both dealt with these things for years, and after a meeting last week one of the men was able to share many things from his own experience with someone who's just starting on this journey. I shared a bit, yet I gained more.

SR is amazing and I look forward to the great info this thread is bound to have. Al-anon can also provide a huge wealth of information through in person interactions.

Parallel parenting is something that's come up lately.

hopeful4

Does your husband have any sort of relationship with the X? If so, I would speak to her about it first. Then, when that does not work (and it likely won't), I would then have son write a letter to his mom in a very honest way explaining how it is affecting him and asking her to not do X thing that is disturbing him, including talking negatively about the other parent. Get a copy of the letter.

Document these steps with times, etc. Document everything, keep a journal. Do not council son at all, just offer him suggestions that these are things that may help.

Then, if that does not work, take the entire lot of documentation including letter to an attorney and get advise. Family court is very much up to the judges in your area and a local attorney will know how a judge will react to this business.

I would also get said child into counseling.

Those are just my suggestions and the path I have taken with the help of counseling.

I hope any of this helps. I am sorry you all are going through this.

dafunbra

There are several good books on co-parenting with an ex who has issues, be they alcoholic, narcissitic, whatever. I'm at work and don't have the titles in front of me but I have several and I had my ex-girlfriend read a couple to better manage her ex-husband with their kids in mind.

Sasha1972

I'm going to differ from some of the advice above. The boy is 12, and you and your husband have him only 3 days a month plus school holidays? It is not very likely that you'll go from very limited contact to having the boy living with you full time, unless there's a full-blown emergency. If you think he would benefit from being in your house more frequently, maybe look into adding another weekend or two.

Is his mother neglecting or abusing him? If so, take appropriate action with the child protection services in your area. Is he an adolescent who wants to come and live with Dad because he's not getting along with Mom, and may have grass-is-greener syndrome? If so, I think this issue is between him and Mom, and the best thing you can do is stay out. Don't encourage him to write letters to his mother about the things he doesn't like about her - that's just fanning the flames.

A counsellor would be a good idea - a safe neutral place to talk about and express feelings.

Seren

Hi MsGrace!

I have no children, so take this with a grain of salt

I think what Sasha says here is probably what I would do in your shoes. Provide your stepson with someone completely neutral to talk to and work through this. That way, you and your husband won't ever become the bad guys if something changes and your stepson will have the support he needs right now.

FeelingGreat

I would approach with caution. It's no small thing to have a non-custodial child move to the other parent and it could cause a great deal of disruption.
I'm sure your SS does feel annoyed with his mother but also loves her, and it's pretty normal to reject your parent at that age. You might find that he starts to get annoyed at you once he's with you full time.

Just take it slow unless there's reason to move faster like concern for his mental health.