Glenjo99

Came across an article on this topic tonight. Anyone successfully changed their attachment style? This gives hope that through relationships we learn.

For those who are less fortunate and do not have a naturally secure style, there is the possibility of "earned security:" developing a secure style through relationships and interactions in adulthood. Security may also flourish in the context of friendships and psychotherapy, however, it comes primarily through adult romantic relationships.

Earned security takes an average of three to five years according to the prevailing attachment literature. Getting married and becoming a parent are critical elements to shifting one's attachment style. A good marital relationship is imperative to change your sense of security. Characteristics of a good relationship include both parties being mutually caring, supportive, respectful and loving toward one another. This, in turn, shifts the insecure attachment victim’s internal negative model. Our brains, thanks to neuroplasticity, begin to change as well.

SparkleKitty

I successfully changed my attachment style to secure, and it definitely took 3 to 5 years, but it personally would have been impossible for me to do so within the context of marriage and parenthood.

AnvilheadII

relying on changing oneself by finding a "healthy partner" is still codependent.

FallenAngelina

I'm not sure what your source is, but it contains several false premises. This one is particularly absurd.

trailmix

I think the article is just probably shorthand and poorly worded. I don't think getting married and becoming a parent are critical to changing your attachment style but I do believe it can help (assuming you feel secure with your partner).

It's probably a natural shift that takes place when you feel secure, for many - all these things are natural. Detachment, secure attachment, bonding or not, just that there are different paths to get there.

Clover71

Glenjo99

Yes I have considered it lol, I'm a big over thinker which is part of being insecure. I'm trying to live, believe me I'm living more now than last year but good point. I think a week away is due soon with no reading or learning.

As for the article I too agree it has some good points, especially like knowing security can be earned.

FireSprite

This is all very new for me but I wish she hadn't used words like "critical" & left it more open like, "hey - if you happen to get lucky & end up in this situation, it'll help tremendously."

But I think outside of that, relying on earned security in a secure environment is still externalizing your happiness to a big extent.

What happens when that other person changes or some unforeseen event removes them from your life somehow? You end right back up where you started, don't you? Maybe even a little worse off?

Aren't we far better served by developing stronger internal tools/dialogue? (remember, this whole point hinges on being in a secure relationship, not just any relationship.... that means being able to identify a healthy vs unhealthy person, etc. to begin with, right?)

Glenjo99

Yes it's complex but my thinking is that we would have the self awareness to identify a healthy relationship, possibly following an unhealthy one or series of unhealthy ones. Once we identify it then we can if we choose try and meet the other person where they are at.

My understanding is that the secure person brings up our insecurities and this (providing we are aware) allows us to address, manage or handle them in NEW ways that up to now we haven't tried. This is contingent on the secure person also being willing to co create this and hang around.

For example, I am newly dating a guy, very secure in himself, opposite to me. Already it has thrown up some of my stuff, that up to now, I would have decided I wasn't deserving or good enough to work out. I would normally retreat and say he's too good for me, whatever that means.

Because I believe I deserve a healthy relationship (with myself first) I want to see what it's like to work on stuff within a dating/relationship scenario. This is just for me where I am right now. For example last Sunday we talked about my liking a little more texting in between meeting up. He listened and heard what I said. His exact words were, if this is a need for you I'm happy to text a bit more. Low and behold he has texted me the last couple of days, nice check in texts.

I understand that no other person can fill any void in us and I'm not saying he or another person is the answer to anything, my relationship with me is the key. However I would like, as that article and others have said to work on myself in a relationship with someone else, the issues that come up I can then manage and who knows perhaps become more secure about. Being ableato state my needs and have them heard already was mind blowing. As much as I like my own company and working on myself it can be very isolating and lonely for me, perhaps, and I can only speak for me, inside a relationship I can learn to feel more secure through working on those insecurities and observing a secure person.

It only takes 3 to 5 years 😂😂😂

biminiblue

I agree, Glenjo, step away from doctor Google. Articles and blogs are a dime a dozen.

I would buy some good self-help books, some that are recommended; not articles and blogs on the internet. There's some seriously bad stuff being blogged by people online.

Not everyone needs to be married (or in a relationship) with children in order to heal their past. That's dangerous to even suggest. So many people have kids that had them to fill a void in themselves and it's messed up.

*edit to say after we cross-posted: I don't think it's very healthy to try to mimic someone else who you think is secure, or to even set him up in your mind as a healthy secure person - that may not be what's going on with him at all. Maybe he has other guys he's seeing - you don't know him very well...I wouldn't start building that pedestal just yet.

Glenjo99

I agree, there were parts of the article I didn't agree with such as the marriage or children parts, the other areas made more sense. At least it has gotten a discussion going.

I wouldn't say I am trying to mimic him, more be around and observe. I trust he is not meeting other guys, he has said he's not and if I didn't go into this trusting him there would be no point.

I agree on the pedestal building. It's something I have to watch out for, always do it.

trailmix

Yes, in theory, but you might end up with an alcoholic instead so then that scenario is blown out of the water!

I have been in secure relationships but I don't think that I had a particularly insecure attachment style to begin with and I think the result of ending those relationships is more of a less- attachment style - which isn't great but I still find it necessary and I'm ok with it.

If we are talking about attachment style though, don't we need to include the other person? I mean it's about "attachment" if you aren't attaching to someone then I guess all is well lol

People have an effect on us whether we like it or not, how much damage they can do is up to us.

If they have our best interests at heart (which will be shown over time) it shouldn't be a problem at all.

I guess there is a line between unhealthy attachment and healthy reliance on your partner, because there is a reliance and a natural intertwining. If you are coming at it from a good place within, hopefully it is easier to choose the right partner.

FireSprite

I read this 3x & I feel like I'm just not getting what you're saying, lol. I'm not making the connection between developing stronger internal tools & ending up with an alcoholic.

A lot of what I read talks about changing the attachment issues with things like meditation, things that re-wire the brain over time to move away from unhealthy thought processes.

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articl...tachment-style

Obviously attachment in & of itself speaks to how we learn to relate to others in our tribe from the earliest ages - long before we have language, context or any kind of development - so yeah, it is about what ties us to other people. Humans ARE made this way to some extent - we can't just leave our young in the wild to fend for themselves, we have to be attached to something in order to survive from the moment we take our first breath. Those early experiences help influence how our paths develop from that point forward in life, good or bad.

pdm22

I think part of it is learning how to trust people again after being through the wringer in a bad/ dysfunctional relationship. It can go the other way, too. A securely attached person from childhood can live through some sort of traumatic break up or trauma (death maybe), and end up anxious or avoidant. Life can be tough, there are no guarantees.

There’s always that interplay going on between interdependence and dependence, too. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be suggested to go to a therapist or group therapy we someone is going through something. Sometimes we need to lean on and get support from others, so we can in turn get stronger and be more independent.

I agree about the articles via google, and that the library/ books are a better place to get info. I’m not sure what she met about the marriage/ children- plenty of us ended up in the boat we ended up in because of poor choices / lack of awareness on the part of our caregivers to begin with. Perhaps what she means is how you are interpreting it, take small steps with a secure person to help build your sense of trust in others.

I think with time you learn who is worthy of your trust when you do things slowly. For me, I have very few close friends and hardly any casual acquaintances, but the people I do have, I know through experience can be counted on. It can take a long time, as you get to know a person through various life experiences and scenarios.

Also- the boundary thing comes into play here too, I think. I remember reading in some book about boundaries, that they should be flexible and malleable when someone is worthy of trust (okay to let them in), rock solid when someone is not (put that fortress up!). You sound like a very kind and intuitive person, I think the ex really worked his way in and invaded your boundaries (holes for boundaries- those bastards sneak in- ha), and perhaps you’re learning now what your boundaries are, and what types of people you want to know your squishy sweet center? Very natural to have some fear after what you’ve been through, too. This is tough stuff .

Needabreak

I also read this several times and couldn't quite get the point you were trying to make.

Those of us who have insecure attachment (Anxious especially) are not good at picking partners who are good for us. We tend especially to pick partners who are avoidant, who absolutely do not have our best interests at heart. This is the crux of the problem, and may part of the reason be why Glenjo ended up in that horrible loop with an addict, and certainly is part of the reason why I did as well. And why it was so hard for us to break out of the loop. It is our wiring that was faulty, and one factor may be our insecure attachment issues, going back to childhood.

Again, this inner work on attachment style can help us come to a place where we can choose partners more wisely. Being that this is a support board for those who love alcoholics and addicts, I think a lot of us have faulty "pickers" as far as choosing the right partner. I know that I did!

atalose

Maybe I’m wrong but what I think trailmix is referring to is, when people jump from one relationship to another they often see what they feel is a better wrapped more put together gift. Like maybe the person does not do drugs where the previous love interest did, maybe they appear to only drink socially where the previous love interest was intoxicate daily. Maybe they have a nice home and appear financially stable where the previous love interest was an unemployed couch suffer. But once that gift gets fully opened they realize it’s the same present just in different wrapping paper. The drugs and the drinking were hidden, the appearance of the financially secure is really a house of cards ready to fall apart. A gambling addiction shows it’s ugly face. They become distant and detached. And usually by the time the present gets fully opened they have already overly invested themselves and their future in this person who made them feel more special and loved than anyone else ever did. Maybe they moved in together quickly, or even got engaged or married to this wonderful magical love. The kind of love they never felt before with anybody else until it all becomes hauntingly familiar.

I once saw here on SR………that you can’t recover in the same environment that made you sick. Alcohol is an alcoholics trigger. Drugs are a drug addicts trigger and relationships are a codependents trigger. My personal opinion is a newly recovering alcoholic can’t stay sober by hanging out in the bar. The newly recovering drug addict can’t stay clean by hanging out at the crack house and the newly recovering codependent can’t get healthy by jumping into a new relationship.

trailmix

I think my point was (based on only having had one cup of coffee at that point haha) is that you can be as self-sufficient, in touch with yourself or "healthy" as you can be and still choose the wrong (or even not ideal) partner.

Some things just don't reveal themselves until time has passed (whether that is alcoholism, a gambling addiction, being short tempered, not working well together, unable to stand the stress of having children, possessiveness etc). Some people mask all of this until the ring is on the finger.

(nicely put atalose!)

Needabreak

I couldn't agree more.

Needabreak

Yes, I agree, even people with secure attachment will get into a relationship with the wrong person sometimes. The difference is that they will recognize it and pull back, mourn the relationship and move on. Those of us who are anxiously attached will hold on tenaciously for years, hoping that the other person will change.

FireSprite

Ok, I think I'm getting it. I'm a little slow today, lol.

This all reminds me of something DD14 said recently that made my heart soar. We were talking in general about boys - these conversations are getting more frequent with more of her friends dating & her getting over her shyness & all that early-teen stuff that most of us go through with our insecurities at these ages. (I was NOT raised in an environment that was open or that allowed conversation around maturity/development in this area so I kind of marvel when she sometimes seems so "normal".)

She said that yeah, she knows some boys are interested in her. "And when I find out, I think - good for them! But mom, those are THEIR feelings, they don't have anything to do with me. ... I don't owe them anything back. Maybe I'll "get there"... maybe I won't. I'm really busy and having fun & that's all the time I have to worry about what other people think."

Yasssssss!!!!!! That's the kind of change I'm after!!