Coping With an Insecure Attachment Style
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99 
Been reading more on the anxious preoccupied attachment style. This is fascinating and is exactly what I've been experiencing with new guy. No bells going off and my attachment system is calm as he is secure, so I think this is boring, when it could actually be letting someone lovely slip away.
"If you are anxious, the reverse of what happens when you meet someone avoidant happens when you meet someone secure. The messages that come across from someone secure are very honest, straightforward, and consistent. Secures are not afraid of intimacy and know they are worthy of love. They don’t have to beat around the bush or play hard to get. Ambiguous messages are out of the mix, as are tension and suspense. As a result, your attachment system remains relatively calm. Because you are used to equating an activated attachment system with love, you conclude that this can’t be “the one” because no bells are going off. You associate a calm attachment system with boredom and indifference. Because of this fallacy you might let the perfect partner pass you by.[3]"
"If you are anxious, the reverse of what happens when you meet someone avoidant happens when you meet someone secure. The messages that come across from someone secure are very honest, straightforward, and consistent. Secures are not afraid of intimacy and know they are worthy of love. They don’t have to beat around the bush or play hard to get. Ambiguous messages are out of the mix, as are tension and suspense. As a result, your attachment system remains relatively calm. Because you are used to equating an activated attachment system with love, you conclude that this can’t be “the one” because no bells are going off. You associate a calm attachment system with boredom and indifference. Because of this fallacy you might let the perfect partner pass you by.[3]"
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Originally Posted by DontRemember
Hey,bud.. I'll just say; try not to 'over think things' and see what happens...also..continue to work on yourself. RELAX.
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Thank you, Dee 
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Ladies and gentlemen,
Several posts that contained personal attacks and "called out" other members have been removed. Sadly, several posts that referenced them have also had to be removed.
I do not want to close the thread, because this is a good discussion. Please remember that if someone personally gets "under your skin", you can place that member on your Ignore List.
Remember from Rule 4:
Respect other members of the community and don’t belittle, make fun of, or insult another member or non-member. Decisions about health and recovery are highly personal, individual choices. "Flaming" and insults, however, will not be tolerated. Agree to disagree.
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I will tentatively post in this thread again as it has some good discussion.
So as my style is anxious preoccupied, here's what apparently we do when dating or in relationships.
Believing this is your only chance for love, as in: “I’m only compatible with very few people—what are the chances I’ll find another person like him/ her?,” or “It takes years to meet someone new; I’ll end up alone.”
• Believing that even though you’re unhappy, you’d better not let go, as in: “If she leaves me, she’ll turn into a great partner—for someone else,, or “He can change,” or “All couples have problems—we’re not special in that regard.”
So last night I bucked this trend of holding on too long. Maybe it's a sign of progress that I could do it so early on, as well as NC with my ex.
The guy I was dating said his number 1 priority was himself, and that he couldn't offer me more than once a week meet up. This combined with my gut feeling he just wasn't that into me so I decided to say goodbye. Back to focusing on myself.
So as my style is anxious preoccupied, here's what apparently we do when dating or in relationships.
Believing this is your only chance for love, as in: “I’m only compatible with very few people—what are the chances I’ll find another person like him/ her?,” or “It takes years to meet someone new; I’ll end up alone.”
• Believing that even though you’re unhappy, you’d better not let go, as in: “If she leaves me, she’ll turn into a great partner—for someone else,, or “He can change,” or “All couples have problems—we’re not special in that regard.”
So last night I bucked this trend of holding on too long. Maybe it's a sign of progress that I could do it so early on, as well as NC with my ex.
The guy I was dating said his number 1 priority was himself, and that he couldn't offer me more than once a week meet up. This combined with my gut feeling he just wasn't that into me so I decided to say goodbye. Back to focusing on myself.
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Very proud of you, Glenjo. That must have been difficult, and it is that very challenge that makes it one of those "esteemable actions" I was talking about on this or another of your recent threads.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Very proud of you, Glenjo. That must have been difficult, and it is that very challenge that makes it one of those "esteemable actions" I was talking about on this or another of your recent threads.
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
I'm so happy for you Glenjo. That was the right thing for you to do.
Onward! It's so much easier to go through life without those doubts when someone is being stand-offish, and it doesn't have to be like that.
Onward! It's so much easier to go through life without those doubts when someone is being stand-offish, and it doesn't have to be like that.
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I hope you take a moment to think about all the work you have put in to getting to know yourself and see how far you have come. The work is working!
There are quite a few people in the world like this. Some are upfront and open about the fact that (especially if they have been single for some time) they are their number one focus and alone time is also a big focus.
I just think it's important to keep in mind - it's not about "you" as such, it's just not a match (for you as well, since that is not what you are looking for).
There are quite a few people in the world like this. Some are upfront and open about the fact that (especially if they have been single for some time) they are their number one focus and alone time is also a big focus.
I just think it's important to keep in mind - it's not about "you" as such, it's just not a match (for you as well, since that is not what you are looking for).
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I hope you take a moment to think about all the work you have put in to getting to know yourself and see how far you have come. The work is working!
There are quite a few people in the world like this. Some are upfront and open about the fact that (especially if they have been single for some time) they are their number one focus and alone time is also a big focus.
I just think it's important to keep in mind - it's not about "you" as such, it's just not a match (for you as well, since that is not what you are looking for).
There are quite a few people in the world like this. Some are upfront and open about the fact that (especially if they have been single for some time) they are their number one focus and alone time is also a big focus.
I just think it's important to keep in mind - it's not about "you" as such, it's just not a match (for you as well, since that is not what you are looking for).
It was more down to compatibility in the end, no one wrong, each entitled to our own needs and wants.
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Originally Posted by Clover71
Trail mix is spot on.
Glenjo, you take care. This can be difficult stuff. As hard as it is, try to remember that this one wasn't right for you.
Glenjo, you take care. This can be difficult stuff. As hard as it is, try to remember that this one wasn't right for you.
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It can be that thing where it's hard to remember the actual good reasons why you did it.
He did have a lot of good attributes and things you like about him, that's true.
However, do you really want to date someone who only wants to get together say, once a week? If you are looking for an actual longer-term relationship - he's not the guy for that.
Are your friends like that, I mean do you have those deep conversations?
He did have a lot of good attributes and things you like about him, that's true.
However, do you really want to date someone who only wants to get together say, once a week? If you are looking for an actual longer-term relationship - he's not the guy for that.
Are your friends like that, I mean do you have those deep conversations?
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Originally Posted by trailmix
It can be that thing where it's hard to remember the actual good reasons why you did it.
He did have a lot of good attributes and things you like about him, that's true.
However, do you really want to date someone who only wants to get together say, once a week? If you are looking for an actual longer-term relationship - he's not the guy for that.
Are your friends like that, I mean do you have those deep conversations?
He did have a lot of good attributes and things you like about him, that's true.
However, do you really want to date someone who only wants to get together say, once a week? If you are looking for an actual longer-term relationship - he's not the guy for that.
Are your friends like that, I mean do you have those deep conversations?
i think it is that thing of only remembering the good. I'm sure some people might say, once a week is enough to meet someone but I'd like more and for it not to be a chore lol.
Yes I know it's compatibility, and we want different things, although I wonder should I have given him the opportunity to meet some of my needs instead of saying goodbye straight away (overreacting as codependents do). Then if he wanted to bad enough he could have asked to discuss or meet to trash it out.
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When my ex-fiance broke up with me, I had two relationships and a whole bunch of dates before I met my husband.
The first relationship was rather demeaning - I knew he slept around, and one of his closest friends pulled me aside one day and told me that I was making a huge mistake. Things eventually ground to a halt.
The second relationship happened right on the heels of the first one, and after a while my gut screamed that something was wrong. On the surface, it was fine, but I knew that our relationship was a placeholder for him until something better came along. I drove myself crazy looking for any bit of evidence that would prove otherwise. When I asked for more and he broke up with me, honestly it was a bit of a relief (although I listened to Wynonna Judd's cover of "Anyone Who Had a Heart" at least a hundred times).
When I met my now-husband, I immediately got the sense that this was something very different than before. For one thing, I was incredibly attracted to him (usually took me a while to actually like someone pursuing me). I didn't like him just because he liked me. Even though, in the beginning, we could only meet occasionally (we could only meet once every two weeks because of travel and previous commitments), it was clear that he wanted to see me. We took things somewhat slow because I think we both realized that we had something special and we didn't want to screw it up which is VERY DIFFERENT from not making more of an investment to the relationship because you want to keep things light and non-committal. Once the previous commitments were cleared, we were good.
Your gut led you to the right direction, even though you're naturally second-guessing yourself.
The first relationship was rather demeaning - I knew he slept around, and one of his closest friends pulled me aside one day and told me that I was making a huge mistake. Things eventually ground to a halt.
The second relationship happened right on the heels of the first one, and after a while my gut screamed that something was wrong. On the surface, it was fine, but I knew that our relationship was a placeholder for him until something better came along. I drove myself crazy looking for any bit of evidence that would prove otherwise. When I asked for more and he broke up with me, honestly it was a bit of a relief (although I listened to Wynonna Judd's cover of "Anyone Who Had a Heart" at least a hundred times).
When I met my now-husband, I immediately got the sense that this was something very different than before. For one thing, I was incredibly attracted to him (usually took me a while to actually like someone pursuing me). I didn't like him just because he liked me. Even though, in the beginning, we could only meet occasionally (we could only meet once every two weeks because of travel and previous commitments), it was clear that he wanted to see me. We took things somewhat slow because I think we both realized that we had something special and we didn't want to screw it up which is VERY DIFFERENT from not making more of an investment to the relationship because you want to keep things light and non-committal. Once the previous commitments were cleared, we were good.
Your gut led you to the right direction, even though you're naturally second-guessing yourself.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Then if he wanted to bad enough he could have asked to discuss or meet to trash it out.
Yes, maybe it could have worked out in the long run, maybe he would have decided this or that, eventually. But maybe not and that's the thing you reacted to I think? He told you what and who he is and what he's looking for, you believed him.
Do you want to put in a year or two with this guy, who at least initially, is only going to be available for a date a week? No matter how great he is.
Then, maybe (or maybe not) he might be interested in more. In the meantime, you might end up really attached to him, then you are a year in to it, attached to the guy, who cannot commit to anyone (possibly).
Personally, I think you did the right thing. I get the second guessing yourself, that seems normal, but again, time to start trusting yourself. I see this as protecting yourself, not over-reacting.
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Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart
When my ex-fiance broke up with me, I had two relationships and a whole bunch of dates before I met my husband.
The first relationship was rather demeaning - I knew he slept around, and one of his closest friends pulled me aside one day and told me that I was making a huge mistake. Things eventually ground to a halt.
The second relationship happened right on the heels of the first one, and after a while my gut screamed that something was wrong. On the surface, it was fine, but I knew that our relationship was a placeholder for him until something better came along. I drove myself crazy looking for any bit of evidence that would prove otherwise. When I asked for more and he broke up with me, honestly it was a bit of a relief (although I listened to Wynonna Judd's cover of "Anyone Who Had a Heart" at least a hundred times).
When I met my now-husband, I immediately got the sense that this was something very different than before. For one thing, I was incredibly attracted to him (usually took me a while to actually like someone pursuing me). I didn't like him just because he liked me. Even though, in the beginning, we could only meet occasionally (we could only meet once every two weeks because of travel and previous commitments), it was clear that he wanted to see me. We took things somewhat slow because I think we both realized that we had something special and we didn't want to screw it up which is VERY DIFFERENT from not making more of an investment to the relationship because you want to keep things light and non-committal. Once the previous commitments were cleared, we were good.
Your gut led you to the right direction, even though you're naturally second-guessing yourself.
The first relationship was rather demeaning - I knew he slept around, and one of his closest friends pulled me aside one day and told me that I was making a huge mistake. Things eventually ground to a halt.
The second relationship happened right on the heels of the first one, and after a while my gut screamed that something was wrong. On the surface, it was fine, but I knew that our relationship was a placeholder for him until something better came along. I drove myself crazy looking for any bit of evidence that would prove otherwise. When I asked for more and he broke up with me, honestly it was a bit of a relief (although I listened to Wynonna Judd's cover of "Anyone Who Had a Heart" at least a hundred times).
When I met my now-husband, I immediately got the sense that this was something very different than before. For one thing, I was incredibly attracted to him (usually took me a while to actually like someone pursuing me). I didn't like him just because he liked me. Even though, in the beginning, we could only meet occasionally (we could only meet once every two weeks because of travel and previous commitments), it was clear that he wanted to see me. We took things somewhat slow because I think we both realized that we had something special and we didn't want to screw it up which is VERY DIFFERENT from not making more of an investment to the relationship because you want to keep things light and non-committal. Once the previous commitments were cleared, we were good.
Your gut led you to the right direction, even though you're naturally second-guessing yourself.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I think, as PuzzledHeart describes, you will know when it's right. You have to trust yourself.
Yes, maybe it could have worked out in the long run, maybe he would have decided this or that, eventually. But maybe not and that's the thing you reacted to I think? He told you what and who he is and what he's looking for, you believed him.
Do you want to put in a year or two with this guy, who at least initially, is only going to be available for a date a week? No matter how great he is.
Then, maybe (or maybe not) he might be interested in more. In the meantime, you might end up really attached to him, then you are a year in to it, attached to the guy, who cannot commit to anyone (possibly).
Personally, I think you did the right thing. I get the second guessing yourself, that seems normal, but again, time to start trusting yourself. I see this as protecting yourself, not over-reacting.
Yes, maybe it could have worked out in the long run, maybe he would have decided this or that, eventually. But maybe not and that's the thing you reacted to I think? He told you what and who he is and what he's looking for, you believed him.
Do you want to put in a year or two with this guy, who at least initially, is only going to be available for a date a week? No matter how great he is.
Then, maybe (or maybe not) he might be interested in more. In the meantime, you might end up really attached to him, then you are a year in to it, attached to the guy, who cannot commit to anyone (possibly).
Personally, I think you did the right thing. I get the second guessing yourself, that seems normal, but again, time to start trusting yourself. I see this as protecting yourself, not over-reacting.
With the attachment style I have comes with it, protest behaviours such as the one below
• Threatening to leave: Making threats—“ We’re not getting along, I don’t think I can do this anymore,” “I knew we weren’t really right for each other,” “I’ll be better off without you”—all the while hoping [partner] will stop you from leaving.
Here's hoping I didn't finish with him as one of these behaviours to seek assurance.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Here's hoping I didn't finish with him as one of these behaviours to seek assurance.
Don't look at that as a negative. Better to question yourself than just react all the time with no particular plan?
That's how you grow, by questioning yourself (within reason, you don't want to over-analyze, but if you do you will need glasses and a pipe probably - oh and a desk light and a fireplace).
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