Coping With an Insecure Attachment Style
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Originally Posted by FireSprite 
Ok, I think I'm getting it. I'm a little slow today, lol.
This all reminds me of something DD14 said recently that made my heart soar. We were talking in general about boys - these conversations are getting more frequent with more of her friends dating & her getting over her shyness & all that early-teen stuff that most of us go through with our insecurities at these ages. (I was NOT raised in an environment that was open or that allowed conversation around maturity/development in this area so I kind of marvel when she sometimes seems so "normal".)
She said that yeah, she knows some boys are interested in her. "And when I find out, I think - good for them! But mom, those are THEIR feelings, they don't have anything to do with me. ... I don't owe them anything back. Maybe I'll "get there"... maybe I won't. I'm really busy and having fun & that's all the time I have to worry about what other people think."
Yasssssss!!!!!! That's the kind of change I'm after!!
This all reminds me of something DD14 said recently that made my heart soar. We were talking in general about boys - these conversations are getting more frequent with more of her friends dating & her getting over her shyness & all that early-teen stuff that most of us go through with our insecurities at these ages. (I was NOT raised in an environment that was open or that allowed conversation around maturity/development in this area so I kind of marvel when she sometimes seems so "normal".)
She said that yeah, she knows some boys are interested in her. "And when I find out, I think - good for them! But mom, those are THEIR feelings, they don't have anything to do with me. ... I don't owe them anything back. Maybe I'll "get there"... maybe I won't. I'm really busy and having fun & that's all the time I have to worry about what other people think."
Yasssssss!!!!!! That's the kind of change I'm after!!
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Originally Posted by Needabreak
Yes, I agree, even people with secure attachment will get into a relationship with the wrong person sometimes. The difference is that they will recognize it and pull back, mourn the relationship and move on. Those of us who are anxiously attached will hold on tenaciously for years, hoping that the other person will change.
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Originally Posted by Surfbee
Needabreak, if your statements are accurate, then how do you explain those who have (or have developed along the way) a secure attachment style and choose to continue relationships with their A partners?
Then there is the alcoholic who physically assaults his partner when drunk, or who doesn't make it home from work, leaves his or her partner home worried, stuck taking care of the kids, paying the bills, etc.
In such a case --where the alcoholic's addiction has a huge impact their ability to live a functional life, as well as on the partner's well-being -- I don't think a person with a secure attachment style would choose to stay. Why would any secure person choose to put up with the abuse and insanity that that type of addiction brings? Why would they put up with such madness? They know what secure relationships are like, and how to get / maintain one.
Even my great grandmother, back in the 1920s, managed to leave her alcoholic and abusive husband, and raise two kids as a single mother at a time when such things were usually frowned upon.
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I agree with a lot of points made. I also hear what's being said about not going from one relationship to another. Believe me this is not my pattern at all, in fact have been in very few in my life. Being single most of my life through choice.
I'm trying to work on my attachment style, rightly or wrongly in a dating scenario. I know codependency requires focus on oneself and healthy relationship with oneself, loving oneself. That said, my therapist and some material I've read say we learn, grow most in relationships with others. I tend to agree for now. That could change next week lol.
As painful as it was if I didn't meet my ex and go through what I did, I wouldn't have learned about codependency, attachment styles etc. It forced me to look at why and how I could allow myself to be drawn into this type of relationship and my responsibility in it. Perhaps I should not be dating right now, time will tell, but my instincts for now are go with it, I'm still learning.
I'm trying to work on my attachment style, rightly or wrongly in a dating scenario. I know codependency requires focus on oneself and healthy relationship with oneself, loving oneself. That said, my therapist and some material I've read say we learn, grow most in relationships with others. I tend to agree for now. That could change next week lol.
As painful as it was if I didn't meet my ex and go through what I did, I wouldn't have learned about codependency, attachment styles etc. It forced me to look at why and how I could allow myself to be drawn into this type of relationship and my responsibility in it. Perhaps I should not be dating right now, time will tell, but my instincts for now are go with it, I'm still learning.
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Surfbee- usually what happens when you have a dismissive avoidant paired with a securely attached personality type, the securely attached eventually gets sick of the lack of response towards attachment, and it may drive the secure person toward anxious/ preoccupied. Eventually they realize there must something better out there and leave. And endless amounts of patience from the securely attached type might actually be a red flag that the person is anxious/ preoccupied, not secure. In fearful avoidant/ secure pairings, the fearful avoidant tends to be the one to leave the relationship, because they can’t handle the stability. “I will leave you before you inevitably leave me” type of thing. Of course there are levels or severity, and a person’s willingness to work on their “stuff” comes into play.
Also, when it comes to substance abuse, I think things can get complex when you look at how things are on a case by case basis. The substance abuser is not always the avoidant. I knew someone who developed a drug addiction later in life (30s) after having dodged all of the crap everyone else was doing in HS and college. This guy rolled in and sniffed out her abandonment issues, and she got pulled into a couple of years of addiction hell. They both were anxious/ preoccupied, I think, with severe abandonment issues. You know those relationships that center around addiction? That type of thing. Very hard to break, especially when certain drugs work on the same parts of the brain as “love” feelings.
When she got him out of her life (or more accurately, a family member chased him out), she still had to work on the physical addiction to the drug, but it wasn’t really the drug that was # 1 and driving her behavior, *he * was the hook. I think this happens more often than people realize. I also think you find a lot of anxious/ preoccupied types in 12 step groups for love addiction as well. I think avoidant types with addictions can have relationship issues/ have trouble with bonding with people underneath it all. So yeah the addiction/ alcoholism is the obvious issue, but it’s hard to know what exactly is going on and driving the behavior?
Also, when it comes to substance abuse, I think things can get complex when you look at how things are on a case by case basis. The substance abuser is not always the avoidant. I knew someone who developed a drug addiction later in life (30s) after having dodged all of the crap everyone else was doing in HS and college. This guy rolled in and sniffed out her abandonment issues, and she got pulled into a couple of years of addiction hell. They both were anxious/ preoccupied, I think, with severe abandonment issues. You know those relationships that center around addiction? That type of thing. Very hard to break, especially when certain drugs work on the same parts of the brain as “love” feelings.
When she got him out of her life (or more accurately, a family member chased him out), she still had to work on the physical addiction to the drug, but it wasn’t really the drug that was # 1 and driving her behavior, *he * was the hook. I think this happens more often than people realize. I also think you find a lot of anxious/ preoccupied types in 12 step groups for love addiction as well. I think avoidant types with addictions can have relationship issues/ have trouble with bonding with people underneath it all. So yeah the addiction/ alcoholism is the obvious issue, but it’s hard to know what exactly is going on and driving the behavior?
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Starting to think I may have anxious preoccupied attachment style from some of the info on this thread. Read this tonight:
The key to happier relationships for the anxious-preoccupied is working toward an inner feeling of security and independence. This is easier when a Secure partner is present — the reliability of the partner’s signalling and response reassures, letting inner security grow. But even the single Preoccupied can take a clue from their type label — they are preoccupied with the idea of a relationship. Getting involved with absorbing activities and friendships with others can take their mind off the problem of partner relationships. And self-coaching can help — replacing inner dialog about failings and worries about what others think of you with reassuring self-talk can help prevent overly-clingy and paranoid behavior that drives away significant others. Build confidence in yourself and your value by accomplishing real tasks, and try harder to see things from others’ point of view before acting on fears and anger about how they treat you. Soothe your own worries before they trouble others, and have more faith in their goodwill before you assume the worst.
The key to happier relationships for the anxious-preoccupied is working toward an inner feeling of security and independence. This is easier when a Secure partner is present — the reliability of the partner’s signalling and response reassures, letting inner security grow. But even the single Preoccupied can take a clue from their type label — they are preoccupied with the idea of a relationship. Getting involved with absorbing activities and friendships with others can take their mind off the problem of partner relationships. And self-coaching can help — replacing inner dialog about failings and worries about what others think of you with reassuring self-talk can help prevent overly-clingy and paranoid behavior that drives away significant others. Build confidence in yourself and your value by accomplishing real tasks, and try harder to see things from others’ point of view before acting on fears and anger about how they treat you. Soothe your own worries before they trouble others, and have more faith in their goodwill before you assume the worst.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Starting to think I may have anxious preoccupied attachment style from some of the info on this thread. Read this tonight:
The key to happier relationships for the anxious-preoccupied is working toward an inner feeling of security and independence. This is easier when a Secure partner is present — the reliability of the partner’s signalling and response reassures, letting inner security grow. But even the single Preoccupied can take a clue from their type label — they are preoccupied with the idea of a relationship. Getting involved with absorbing activities and friendships with others can take their mind off the problem of partner relationships. And self-coaching can help — replacing inner dialog about failings and worries about what others think of you with reassuring self-talk can help prevent overly-clingy and paranoid behavior that drives away significant others. Build confidence in yourself and your value by accomplishing real tasks, and try harder to see things from others’ point of view before acting on fears and anger about how they treat you. Soothe your own worries before they trouble others, and have more faith in their goodwill before you assume the worst.
The key to happier relationships for the anxious-preoccupied is working toward an inner feeling of security and independence. This is easier when a Secure partner is present — the reliability of the partner’s signalling and response reassures, letting inner security grow. But even the single Preoccupied can take a clue from their type label — they are preoccupied with the idea of a relationship. Getting involved with absorbing activities and friendships with others can take their mind off the problem of partner relationships. And self-coaching can help — replacing inner dialog about failings and worries about what others think of you with reassuring self-talk can help prevent overly-clingy and paranoid behavior that drives away significant others. Build confidence in yourself and your value by accomplishing real tasks, and try harder to see things from others’ point of view before acting on fears and anger about how they treat you. Soothe your own worries before they trouble others, and have more faith in their goodwill before you assume the worst.
I also started getting into Buddhism a few years ago and, in the style of Tibetan Vajrayana Buddhism that I practice, there is a lot of emphasis on working with one's emotions. Instead of running from our neurotic emotions, or stuffing them down, we engage with them and work on purifying them. This is heady stuff and I'm not at all interested in proselytizing on behalf of Buddhism, but you can get much of the same benefit from secular mindfulness practice. I'm sure you will find classes on mindfulness near you if you Google for them.
It's all about working on our happiness. And sometimes being happy means letting go of things that make us unhappy. Again, I don't like talking about my Buddhist practice here, but there is a book called the 37 Practices of a Boddhisatva that I study each day. A poignant and relevant section for me is:
3
Don’t engage disturbances and reactive emotions gradually fade away;
Don’t engage distractions and spiritual practice naturally grows;
Keep awareness clear and vivid and confidence in the way arises.
Rely on silence — this is the practice of a bodhisattva.
4
You will separate from long-time friends and relatives;
You will leave behind the wealth you worked to build up;
The guest, your consciousness, will move from the inn, your body.
Forget the conventional concerns — this is the practice of a bodhisattva.
5
With some friends, the three poisons keep growing,
Study, reflection, and meditation weaken,
And loving kindness and compassion fall away.
Give up bad friends — this is the practice of a bodhisattva.
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Originally Posted by Needabreak
Glenjo, the biggest help for me was coming across work by Jeb Kinnison on attachment styles. There is an excellent forum on his website -- jebkinnisonforum.com -- and you will quickly learn who has an Anxious attachment style, who has an Avoidant attachment style and who has a Secure attachment style. And then you will start to see more examples of your own attachment style as they play out in your life.
I also started getting into Buddhism a few years ago and, in the style of Tibetan Vajrayana Buddhism that I practice, there is a lot of emphasis on working with one's emotions. Instead of running from our neurotic emotions, or stuffing them down, we engage with them and work on purifying them. This is heady stuff and I'm not at all interested in proselytizing on behalf of Buddhism, but you can get much of the same benefit from secular mindfulness practice. I'm sure you will find classes on mindfulness near you if you Google for them.
It's all about working on our happiness. And sometimes being happy means letting go of things that make us unhappy. Again, I don't like talking about my Buddhist practice here, but there is a book called the 37 Practices of a Boddhisatva that I study each day. A poignant and relevant section for me is:
3
Don’t engage disturbances and reactive emotions gradually fade away;
Don’t engage distractions and spiritual practice naturally grows;
Keep awareness clear and vivid and confidence in the way arises.
Rely on silence — this is the practice of a bodhisattva.
4
You will separate from long-time friends and relatives;
You will leave behind the wealth you worked to build up;
The guest, your consciousness, will move from the inn, your body.
Forget the conventional concerns — this is the practice of a bodhisattva.
5
With some friends, the three poisons keep growing,
Study, reflection, and meditation weaken,
And loving kindness and compassion fall away.
Give up bad friends — this is the practice of a bodhisattva.
I also started getting into Buddhism a few years ago and, in the style of Tibetan Vajrayana Buddhism that I practice, there is a lot of emphasis on working with one's emotions. Instead of running from our neurotic emotions, or stuffing them down, we engage with them and work on purifying them. This is heady stuff and I'm not at all interested in proselytizing on behalf of Buddhism, but you can get much of the same benefit from secular mindfulness practice. I'm sure you will find classes on mindfulness near you if you Google for them.
It's all about working on our happiness. And sometimes being happy means letting go of things that make us unhappy. Again, I don't like talking about my Buddhist practice here, but there is a book called the 37 Practices of a Boddhisatva that I study each day. A poignant and relevant section for me is:
3
Don’t engage disturbances and reactive emotions gradually fade away;
Don’t engage distractions and spiritual practice naturally grows;
Keep awareness clear and vivid and confidence in the way arises.
Rely on silence — this is the practice of a bodhisattva.
4
You will separate from long-time friends and relatives;
You will leave behind the wealth you worked to build up;
The guest, your consciousness, will move from the inn, your body.
Forget the conventional concerns — this is the practice of a bodhisattva.
5
With some friends, the three poisons keep growing,
Study, reflection, and meditation weaken,
And loving kindness and compassion fall away.
Give up bad friends — this is the practice of a bodhisattva.
Would you believe that piece I posted on how to overcome that attachment style was from Jen Kinnison, from his website! Only just came across it and it makes so much sense. I have been curious about buddhism for a while do might look into that book. Thanks for sharing. My feeling is right now being aware of our attachment style is massively helpful in healing and dealing with relationships. Awareness is where it starts.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Would you believe that piece I posted on how to overcome that attachment style was from Jen Kinnison, from his website! Only just came across it and it makes so much sense. I have been curious about buddhism for a while do might look into that book. Thanks for sharing. My feeling is right now being aware of our attachment style is massively helpful in healing and dealing with relationships. Awareness is where it starts.
Ugh, what the @#*& was I thinking ?! I am thankful for my personal growth since those days.
And you're right, awareness is where it starts. It's a difficult path, but a very rewarding one.......
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Originally Posted by Needabreak
Read especially about the Anxious / Avoidant trap. I think that's what was going on with you and your ex. I had the same problem with my ex and, when I found out about attachment theory, the first thing I did was to run to tell him all about what I had learned and how we could go to therapy and fix things Ugh, what the @#*& was I thinking ?!
I am thankful for my personal growth since those days.
And you're right, awareness is where it starts. It's a difficult path, but a very rewarding one.......
Ugh, what the @#*& was I thinking ?!I am thankful for my personal growth since those days.
And you're right, awareness is where it starts. It's a difficult path, but a very rewarding one.......
• Thinking about your mate, difficulty concentrating on other things.
• Remembering only their good qualities.
• Putting them on a pedestal: underestimating your talents and abilities and overestimating theirs.
• An anxious feeling that goes away only when you are in contact with them.
• Believing this is your only chance for love, as in: “I’m only compatible with very few people—what are the chances I’ll find another person like him/ her?,” or “It takes years to meet someone new; I’ll end up alone.”
• Believing that even though you’re unhappy, you’d better not let go, as in: “If she leaves me, she’ll turn into a great partner—for someone else,, or “He can change,” or “All couples have problems—we’re not special in that regard.”
And anxious feeling that only goes away when your in contact with them. That was the whole 6 months I didn't hear from my ex!!!!!!!! I feel like I've cracked the code, this is me. At least I know what I'm dealing with now.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Thanks I will read lots more from him now. He talks about strategies that anxious preoccupied use. I'm flabbergasted, as especially the putting people on pedestals part, I do this with everyone and discount myself. (Someone even mentioned it here earlier).
• Thinking about your mate, difficulty concentrating on other things.
• Remembering only their good qualities.
• Putting them on a pedestal: underestimating your talents and abilities and overestimating theirs.
• An anxious feeling that goes away only when you are in contact with them.
• Believing this is your only chance for love, as in: “I’m only compatible with very few people—what are the chances I’ll find another person like him/ her?,” or “It takes years to meet someone new; I’ll end up alone.”
• Believing that even though you’re unhappy, you’d better not let go, as in: “If she leaves me, she’ll turn into a great partner—for someone else,, or “He can change,” or “All couples have problems—we’re not special in that regard.”
And anxious feeling that only goes away when your in contact with them. That was the whole 6 months I didn't hear from my ex!!!!!!!! I feel like I've cracked the code, this is me. At least I know what I'm dealing with now.
• Thinking about your mate, difficulty concentrating on other things.
• Remembering only their good qualities.
• Putting them on a pedestal: underestimating your talents and abilities and overestimating theirs.
• An anxious feeling that goes away only when you are in contact with them.
• Believing this is your only chance for love, as in: “I’m only compatible with very few people—what are the chances I’ll find another person like him/ her?,” or “It takes years to meet someone new; I’ll end up alone.”
• Believing that even though you’re unhappy, you’d better not let go, as in: “If she leaves me, she’ll turn into a great partner—for someone else,, or “He can change,” or “All couples have problems—we’re not special in that regard.”
And anxious feeling that only goes away when your in contact with them. That was the whole 6 months I didn't hear from my ex!!!!!!!! I feel like I've cracked the code, this is me. At least I know what I'm dealing with now.
• Saying (or thinking) “I’m not ready to commit”—but staying together nonetheless, sometimes for years.
• Focusing on small imperfections in your partner: the way s/ he talks, dresses, eats, or (fill in the blank) and allowing it to get in the way of your romantic feelings.
• Pining after an ex-girlfriend/ boyfriend—( the “phantom ex”— more on this later).
• Flirting with others—a hurtful way to introduce insecurity into the relationship.
• Not saying “I love you”—while implying that you do have feelings toward the other person.
• Pulling away when things are going well (e.g., not calling for several days after an intimate date).
• Forming relationships with an impossible future, such as with someone who is married.
• “Checking out mentally” when your partner is talking to you.
• Keeping secrets and leaving things foggy—to maintain your feeling of independence.
• Avoiding physical closeness—e.g., not wanting to share the same bed, not wanting to have sex, walking several strides ahead of your partner.
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Originally Posted by Needabreak
And have you read yet about characteristics of those with Avoidant Attachment Style? Do any of these avoidant deactivation strategies that avoidants use to create distance (from Jeb Kinnison's site) sound familiar from your relationship with your ex?
• Saying (or thinking) “I’m not ready to commit”—but staying together nonetheless, sometimes for years.
• Focusing on small imperfections in your partner: the way s/ he talks, dresses, eats, or (fill in the blank) and allowing it to get in the way of your romantic feelings.
• Pining after an ex-girlfriend/ boyfriend—( the “phantom ex”— more on this later).
• Flirting with others—a hurtful way to introduce insecurity into the relationship.
• Not saying “I love you”—while implying that you do have feelings toward the other person.
• Pulling away when things are going well (e.g., not calling for several days after an intimate date).
• Forming relationships with an impossible future, such as with someone who is married.
• “Checking out mentally” when your partner is talking to you.
• Keeping secrets and leaving things foggy—to maintain your feeling of independence.
• Avoiding physical closeness—e.g., not wanting to share the same bed, not wanting to have sex, walking several strides ahead of your partner.
• Saying (or thinking) “I’m not ready to commit”—but staying together nonetheless, sometimes for years.
• Focusing on small imperfections in your partner: the way s/ he talks, dresses, eats, or (fill in the blank) and allowing it to get in the way of your romantic feelings.
• Pining after an ex-girlfriend/ boyfriend—( the “phantom ex”— more on this later).
• Flirting with others—a hurtful way to introduce insecurity into the relationship.
• Not saying “I love you”—while implying that you do have feelings toward the other person.
• Pulling away when things are going well (e.g., not calling for several days after an intimate date).
• Forming relationships with an impossible future, such as with someone who is married.
• “Checking out mentally” when your partner is talking to you.
• Keeping secrets and leaving things foggy—to maintain your feeling of independence.
• Avoiding physical closeness—e.g., not wanting to share the same bed, not wanting to have sex, walking several strides ahead of your partner.
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I have parents and a brother who have very psychologically abusive narcissistic behaviors. I had naturally messed up everything in my childhood, yet it was my familiar and I found happiness in my life in spite of it.
It's been a bugger discovering how deep this goes and dealing with the aftermath of leaving a narcissistic family of origin. It's been very worthwhile!
I pray for clarity, healing and joy. Being able to hold an awareness and continually moving forward with enjoying this breath, this moment, this day is a learned practice.
Looking at the wellness in my life allows it to expand. Where focus goes, energy flows.
In doing focus wheels, security, confidence and strength often wind up in the center for me. I take new actions, I practice directing my focus and in these things I become secure within myself and my life.
One day at a time.
Allowing core beliefs to be transformed creates new opportunities.
I've experienced this. This can and does happen for many people.
#lifeisgood
#healingactions
It's been a bugger discovering how deep this goes and dealing with the aftermath of leaving a narcissistic family of origin. It's been very worthwhile!
I pray for clarity, healing and joy. Being able to hold an awareness and continually moving forward with enjoying this breath, this moment, this day is a learned practice.
Looking at the wellness in my life allows it to expand. Where focus goes, energy flows.
In doing focus wheels, security, confidence and strength often wind up in the center for me. I take new actions, I practice directing my focus and in these things I become secure within myself and my life.
One day at a time.
Allowing core beliefs to be transformed creates new opportunities.
I've experienced this. This can and does happen for many people.
#lifeisgood
#healingactions
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
Originally Posted by Mango212
I have parents and a brother who have very psychologically abusive narcissistic behaviors. I had naturally messed up everything in my childhood, yet it was my familiar and I found happiness in my life in spite of it.
It's been a bugger discovering how deep this goes and the aftermath of leaving a narcissistic family of origin. It's been very worthwhile!
I pray for clarity, healing and joy. Being able to hold an awareness and continually moving forward with enjoying this breath, this moment, this day is a learned practice.
Looking at the wellness in my life allows it to expand. Where focus goes, energy flows.
In doing focus wheels, security, confidence and strength often wind up in the center for me. I take new actions, I practice directing my focus and in these things I become secure within myself and my life.
One day at a time.
It's been a bugger discovering how deep this goes and the aftermath of leaving a narcissistic family of origin. It's been very worthwhile!
I pray for clarity, healing and joy. Being able to hold an awareness and continually moving forward with enjoying this breath, this moment, this day is a learned practice.
Looking at the wellness in my life allows it to expand. Where focus goes, energy flows.
In doing focus wheels, security, confidence and strength often wind up in the center for me. I take new actions, I practice directing my focus and in these things I become secure within myself and my life.
One day at a time.
My Mom was a narcissist, and I agree, it's amazing how deep this sh*t can go, but I find that as I practice with it, I've come to have more compassion. Better boundaries too, but compassion as well. My Mom's father was abusive, and I wrote in a post earlier in this thread about her mother being raised by a single mother who left an abusive alcoholic. Outwardly they looked highly succesful, but plenty of dysfunction was handed down from generation to generation in her family.
We as individuals and as a a culture are starting to face all these things, attachment styles, personality disorders, addiction, abuse in our churches and religious institutions, etc., etc. these are things that millions of people, including my mother, used to just suffer through silently. I think it will lead to positive transformations.
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Originally Posted by pdm22
I think part of it is learning how to trust people again after being through the wringer in a bad/ dysfunctional relationship. It can go the other way, too. A securely attached person from childhood can live through some sort of traumatic break up or trauma (death maybe), and end up anxious or avoidant. Life can be tough, there are no guarantees.
There’s always that interplay going on between interdependence and dependence, too. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be suggested to go to a therapist or group therapy we someone is going through something. Sometimes we need to lean on and get support from others, so we can in turn get stronger and be more independent.
I agree about the articles via google, and that the library/ books are a better place to get info. I’m not sure what she met about the marriage/ children- plenty of us ended up in the boat we ended up in because of poor choices / lack of awareness on the part of our caregivers to begin with. Perhaps what she means is how you are interpreting it, take small steps with a secure person to help build your sense of trust in others.
I think with time you learn who is worthy of your trust when you do things slowly. For me, I have very few close friends and hardly any casual acquaintances, but the people I do have, I know through experience can be counted on. It can take a long time, as you get to know a person through various life experiences and scenarios.
Also- the boundary thing comes into play here too, I think. I remember reading in some book about boundaries, that they should be flexible and malleable when someone is worthy of trust (okay to let them in), rock solid when someone is not (put that fortress up!). You sound like a very kind and intuitive person, I think the ex really worked his way in and invaded your boundaries (holes for boundaries- those bastards sneak in- ha), and perhaps you’re learning now what your boundaries are, and what types of people you want to know your squishy sweet center? Very natural to have some fear after what you’ve been through, too. This is tough stuff
.
There’s always that interplay going on between interdependence and dependence, too. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be suggested to go to a therapist or group therapy we someone is going through something. Sometimes we need to lean on and get support from others, so we can in turn get stronger and be more independent.
I agree about the articles via google, and that the library/ books are a better place to get info. I’m not sure what she met about the marriage/ children- plenty of us ended up in the boat we ended up in because of poor choices / lack of awareness on the part of our caregivers to begin with. Perhaps what she means is how you are interpreting it, take small steps with a secure person to help build your sense of trust in others.
I think with time you learn who is worthy of your trust when you do things slowly. For me, I have very few close friends and hardly any casual acquaintances, but the people I do have, I know through experience can be counted on. It can take a long time, as you get to know a person through various life experiences and scenarios.
Also- the boundary thing comes into play here too, I think. I remember reading in some book about boundaries, that they should be flexible and malleable when someone is worthy of trust (okay to let them in), rock solid when someone is not (put that fortress up!). You sound like a very kind and intuitive person, I think the ex really worked his way in and invaded your boundaries (holes for boundaries- those bastards sneak in- ha), and perhaps you’re learning now what your boundaries are, and what types of people you want to know your squishy sweet center? Very natural to have some fear after what you’ve been through, too. This is tough stuff
.Greatt post about boundaries. Thanks
i felt in the beginning that some of mine were just mean and were done out of anger. I went too far.
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
Ok, I think I'm getting it. I'm a little slow today, lol.
This all reminds me of something DD14 said recently that made my heart soar. We were talking in general about boys - these conversations are getting more frequent with more of her friends dating & her getting over her shyness & all that early-teen stuff that most of us go through with our insecurities at these ages. (I was NOT raised in an environment that was open or that allowed conversation around maturity/development in this area so I kind of marvel when she sometimes seems so "normal".)
She said that yeah, she knows some boys are interested in her. "And when I find out, I think - good for them! But mom, those are THEIR feelings, they don't have anything to do with me. ... I don't owe them anything back. Maybe I'll "get there"... maybe I won't. I'm really busy and having fun & that's all the time I have to worry about what other people think."
Yasssssss!!!!!! That's the kind of change I'm after!!
This all reminds me of something DD14 said recently that made my heart soar. We were talking in general about boys - these conversations are getting more frequent with more of her friends dating & her getting over her shyness & all that early-teen stuff that most of us go through with our insecurities at these ages. (I was NOT raised in an environment that was open or that allowed conversation around maturity/development in this area so I kind of marvel when she sometimes seems so "normal".)
She said that yeah, she knows some boys are interested in her. "And when I find out, I think - good for them! But mom, those are THEIR feelings, they don't have anything to do with me. ... I don't owe them anything back. Maybe I'll "get there"... maybe I won't. I'm really busy and having fun & that's all the time I have to worry about what other people think."
Yasssssss!!!!!! That's the kind of change I'm after!!
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I understand why this might be an emotive issue for some of us and I don't want to close or suspend a thread where the OP is not causing problems - but unless we all take a deep breath and stay civil I and the other mods may be forced to thread ban individuals until the regular mod has time to look at this.
Some of the posts in this thread look like they're better off as PMs, if they need to be 'said' at all.
Cool it guys.
Dee
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SR
Some of the posts in this thread look like they're better off as PMs, if they need to be 'said' at all.
Cool it guys.
Dee
Moderator
SR
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Been reading more on the anxious preoccupied attachment style. This is fascinating and is exactly what I've been experiencing with new guy. No bells going off and my attachment system is calm as he is secure, so I think this is boring, when it could actually be letting someone lovely slip away.
"If you are anxious, the reverse of what happens when you meet someone avoidant happens when you meet someone secure. The messages that come across from someone secure are very honest, straightforward, and consistent. Secures are not afraid of intimacy and know they are worthy of love. They don’t have to beat around the bush or play hard to get. Ambiguous messages are out of the mix, as are tension and suspense. As a result, your attachment system remains relatively calm. Because you are used to equating an activated attachment system with love, you conclude that this can’t be “the one” because no bells are going off. You associate a calm attachment system with boredom and indifference. Because of this fallacy you might let the perfect partner pass you by.[3]"
"If you are anxious, the reverse of what happens when you meet someone avoidant happens when you meet someone secure. The messages that come across from someone secure are very honest, straightforward, and consistent. Secures are not afraid of intimacy and know they are worthy of love. They don’t have to beat around the bush or play hard to get. Ambiguous messages are out of the mix, as are tension and suspense. As a result, your attachment system remains relatively calm. Because you are used to equating an activated attachment system with love, you conclude that this can’t be “the one” because no bells are going off. You associate a calm attachment system with boredom and indifference. Because of this fallacy you might let the perfect partner pass you by.[3]"
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