Needed to vent while at work today
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 37
Needed to vent while at work today
I have been on & off this site & I have read many threads! I am married to an alcoholic & I have been sitting on the edge for quite some time of wanting to leave but holding onto hope my husband would quit. He does just enough to keep me hopeful. Last August he quit drinking & made it until the end of the year which is the longest ever. He even signed up for a 12 week out patient program but only made it 6 weeks & by NYE was drinking again & for the month of January this is the worst I have ever seen him. We finally talked separation & I felt after our conversation we both felt this was best. But my husband is king of making all sorts of comments just to see what I will say or do. But I was ready for separation. I started to see a counselor so that I could stay strong & put me & my kids first. I told him he had until March 1st to get a place. Now he says he is taking a 30 day leave of absence from work & going to his home state to be around his family. I am not sure how that will be helpful but that is not my problem & the peace of not walking on eggshells sounds nice to me. But today he is freaking out that all this is happening & texting me as I am at work asking me to come home for he needs help not drinking. He is spiraling & I am just ignoring him as I know me going home is not helpful. I know there is no text I can send that is going to help him. I am ready to separate, I am scared but I am ready for I know I will be O.K. I know it will be hard & sad . I work full time & make a decent income but it will also be scary financially but I know we will be O.K. I am just struggling as he is now feeling the affects of his actions & is desperate with all these text messages & me reminding myself that there is nothing I can say that will give him the quick fix he wants. We have been on this hamster wheel for years & I need to get off & put myself first. There is no way to know if it is rock bottom that he needs or if it will make him worse but I have to put me & my kids first. I am not sure I have a question as much as I had to type this as I am at work & trying to stay focused & remind myself I am doing the right thing! Thanks for letting me vent!
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 108
HI Stacey,
You are not alone. I suffer from this issue too. I have kids and it breaks my heart. Right now things are going ok for me so I stay, but I totally understand. From what many say on this site, they are in a much more peaceful place when they decide to leave and move on with their life. Easier said than done-right? You may need to get your courage up and just start the process of leaving if you feel that it is your "bottom" as they say. They say you will know when you hit yours. Is this it? I know mine is not yet. Its exhausting and just draining to go thru this. I am sorry that it is coming to this. Your husband sounds like he has a lot to work out and it may be good to give him space to do that. Meanwhile, try to take good care of yourself and your children. Its the best we can do in a situation like this. I hope you keep posting. It is hard to keep it all inside. People judge, they don't understand. We do.
You are not alone. I suffer from this issue too. I have kids and it breaks my heart. Right now things are going ok for me so I stay, but I totally understand. From what many say on this site, they are in a much more peaceful place when they decide to leave and move on with their life. Easier said than done-right? You may need to get your courage up and just start the process of leaving if you feel that it is your "bottom" as they say. They say you will know when you hit yours. Is this it? I know mine is not yet. Its exhausting and just draining to go thru this. I am sorry that it is coming to this. Your husband sounds like he has a lot to work out and it may be good to give him space to do that. Meanwhile, try to take good care of yourself and your children. Its the best we can do in a situation like this. I hope you keep posting. It is hard to keep it all inside. People judge, they don't understand. We do.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Yes, please vent away! Totally understandable, it's a tough spot you are in.
I think I might text back if it were me - "get to an AA meeting".
Texting that he wants to drink and is spiraling out of control is, at least from an outside view, very manipulative. He may not be manipulative, I don't know but he should know, by now, that you are not riding in on your white horse to save him from the demon drink! In fact you are not qualified to counsel him not to drink and he needs professional help.
It's HARD to do what seems "cruel" in the world. To someone on the outside they might ask, why isn't she helping him!
That's the nature of addiction though isn't it. The people closest to you can't really help, only he can help himself, with the assistance of professionals or a group like AA, that's where he should be.
Good for you for holding your boundary, at some point you have to jump off the merry-go-round (like in Stacy0701's avatar) and look forward to a better and more peaceful contentment.
Stacy also mentions hitting your "bottom". I would always hope someone would leave long before that. By the time you have reached your emotional bottom there is little in the way of self-esteem and self-worth left to drag you out the door. Fear is a debilitating force and the more you walk on eggshells, the worse it becomes (for you AND your children).
I think I might text back if it were me - "get to an AA meeting".
Texting that he wants to drink and is spiraling out of control is, at least from an outside view, very manipulative. He may not be manipulative, I don't know but he should know, by now, that you are not riding in on your white horse to save him from the demon drink! In fact you are not qualified to counsel him not to drink and he needs professional help.
It's HARD to do what seems "cruel" in the world. To someone on the outside they might ask, why isn't she helping him!
That's the nature of addiction though isn't it. The people closest to you can't really help, only he can help himself, with the assistance of professionals or a group like AA, that's where he should be.
Good for you for holding your boundary, at some point you have to jump off the merry-go-round (like in Stacy0701's avatar) and look forward to a better and more peaceful contentment.
Stacy also mentions hitting your "bottom". I would always hope someone would leave long before that. By the time you have reached your emotional bottom there is little in the way of self-esteem and self-worth left to drag you out the door. Fear is a debilitating force and the more you walk on eggshells, the worse it becomes (for you AND your children).
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
"he needs help not drinking"?
That is not your problem - you can't make him drink or not drink.
If he wants help distracting himself from the urge to drink, or reminders of why he shouldn't drink, there are plenty of resources and people out there who can help him. You shouldn't have to be his Alcohol Manager and Support Staff.
It sounds pretty stressful, but good for you that you are managing all this without getting drawn into his attention-seeking behavior!
That is not your problem - you can't make him drink or not drink.
If he wants help distracting himself from the urge to drink, or reminders of why he shouldn't drink, there are plenty of resources and people out there who can help him. You shouldn't have to be his Alcohol Manager and Support Staff.
It sounds pretty stressful, but good for you that you are managing all this without getting drawn into his attention-seeking behavior!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by trailmix 
Yes, please vent away! Totally understandable, it's a tough spot you are in.
I think I might text back if it were me - "get to an AA meeting".
Texting that he wants to drink and is spiraling out of control is, at least from an outside view, very manipulative. He may not be manipulative, I don't know but he should know, by now, that you are not riding in on your white horse to save him from the demon drink! In fact you are not qualified to counsel him not to drink and he needs professional help.
It's HARD to do what seems "cruel" in the world. To someone on the outside they might ask, why isn't she helping him!
That's the nature of addiction though isn't it. The people closest to you can't really help, only he can help himself, with the assistance of professionals or a group like AA, that's where he should be.
Good for you for holding your boundary, at some point you have to jump off the merry-go-round (like in Stacy0701's avatar) and look forward to a better and more peaceful contentment.
Stacy also mentions hitting your "bottom". I would always hope someone would leave long before that. By the time you have reached your emotional bottom there is little in the way of self-esteem and self-worth left to drag you out the door. Fear is a debilitating force and the more you walk on eggshells, the worse it becomes (for you AND your children).
I think I might text back if it were me - "get to an AA meeting".
Texting that he wants to drink and is spiraling out of control is, at least from an outside view, very manipulative. He may not be manipulative, I don't know but he should know, by now, that you are not riding in on your white horse to save him from the demon drink! In fact you are not qualified to counsel him not to drink and he needs professional help.
It's HARD to do what seems "cruel" in the world. To someone on the outside they might ask, why isn't she helping him!
That's the nature of addiction though isn't it. The people closest to you can't really help, only he can help himself, with the assistance of professionals or a group like AA, that's where he should be.
Good for you for holding your boundary, at some point you have to jump off the merry-go-round (like in Stacy0701's avatar) and look forward to a better and more peaceful contentment.
Stacy also mentions hitting your "bottom". I would always hope someone would leave long before that. By the time you have reached your emotional bottom there is little in the way of self-esteem and self-worth left to drag you out the door. Fear is a debilitating force and the more you walk on eggshells, the worse it becomes (for you AND your children).
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
I've been there, Stacey. One day at a time--visualize what you want, and then start working toward it. You and your children really can have your lives back; many of us on here are living proof that it can be done, and it's so worth it.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
His "spiraling" is not your problem. He's put himself in this situation by choosing to ignore his illness rather than treat it. If he really wants to get sober, he will do it with or without you, and to be perfectly honest, it's probably better if it's without you. He's a grown man. He can figure it out.
I don't mean any of this to sound harsh, but I'm speaking from experience. I was your husband at one time, and when I was finally allowed to hit bottom with NO support from my (now ex) wife, I finally got a clue and made the changes I needed to make. Her walking away and letting me crash utterly and completely was the best thing that ever happened to me.
I don't mean any of this to sound harsh, but I'm speaking from experience. I was your husband at one time, and when I was finally allowed to hit bottom with NO support from my (now ex) wife, I finally got a clue and made the changes I needed to make. Her walking away and letting me crash utterly and completely was the best thing that ever happened to me.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Stacy.
Sounds like you know what you need to do for your own sanity and serenity.
You know from his past behavior that he will do just enough so that you stay, but it won't last.
That's pretty much addiction 101.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Sounds like you know what you need to do for your own sanity and serenity.
You know from his past behavior that he will do just enough so that you stay, but it won't last.
That's pretty much addiction 101.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
You are doing the right thing, it will not be easy.
It has not been easy I am sure leading up to this, get ready for a different kind of difficult, figuring things out for on your own. But being on your own terms is priceless.
Good luck, you got this.
It has not been easy I am sure leading up to this, get ready for a different kind of difficult, figuring things out for on your own. But being on your own terms is priceless.
Good luck, you got this.
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