I didn't sign on for this, and letting go of anger
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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Originally Posted by trailmix 
A few have touched on this and I was actually reading something last night that made me think of what you had said here about PTSD.
There is nothing "post" about your stress disorder Wamama. You are still living it. You are living in the same house with one of the people that contributed to it.
There is nothing "post" about your stress disorder Wamama. You are still living it. You are living in the same house with one of the people that contributed to it.
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I've been attending AA for 27 years and your post is a reminder why so many marriages dissolve after one person gets sober. In all honesty it takes decades to really change some behavior, and that's with a lot of work. Alcoholic drinking causes many changes and so does recovery. And as a codependent I certainly relate to your feelings as well. Some things can't be fixed and once trust and respect are lost I don't think there's any point to going on. Alanon was a huge help in making me see my part of the problem. The support is incredible and I suggest it.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by AutumnMama
This jumped out at me too when I read your post. Maybe your 'heightened alert' symptoms and general stress are just your body trying to tell you "GET OUT OF HERE" "I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE" in the only way that it knows how?
Your logical mind says - ok this is the situation (recovering Husband or house where your exHusband used to live etc) and I can CERTAINLY deal with it. I know that feeling scared or anxious is not a rational response and I need to get over it and deal with it. I have tools, sometimes they aren't working and I'm getting overwhelmed, but I can work through this (and maybe you can).
Well, all that may be true, who knows, what I do know is that if you ignore it, it can really get to you.
I've spoken before about having a "nervous breakdown". If you knew me, pre-breakdown (I hate even writing it out) - you would have said, no, not her, she's rather strong, confident, seems happy most of the time. I got a big signal when I had my very first full blown panic attack in a drug store, just standing there looking at some magazines with my Mom. Nothing spectacular going on, but I had to virtually run out of the store with my Mom.
What's strange is and this has occurred to me a few times but my memory of that day is a bit fuzzy, I believe it was that same day there was someone in the same aisle or another? that we had encountered - totally out of control, I figured a crack addict. Maybe that was the final straw, can't say.
Undaunted, I carried on as usual! Shortly thereafter I forced myself to move and basically took a car trip (from hell) from one side of the U.S. to the deep south on the other side (I live in the North).
Maybe it was a "geographical" but as you all well know, that didn't help lol
My point in this long, rambling story is. Please take care of yourself. Once you cross that line between control and panic, it's a LONG way back and during that time you are going to need someone who has your back, I am lucky I had several people, because while you sort it all out you are going to need to rely on people and that alone is hard when you are already scared.
So when I say things like - if you don't take care of yourself and you have an active or recovering addict for a partner and kiddies in the house and a mortgage to pay and you don't take care of yourself and you get overwhelmed - who is going to look after you?
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Thanks Sotired. Right now I have a whole lot of stuff to work through before I can even come close to forgiveness. I only have so much energy, so while that is my end goal, Im not there yet. It is very difficult, almost impossible, to stop looking at the past injustices when they are severely affecting your life in the present.
Originally Posted by sotired77
Your anger is not protecting you. The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference. Once you feel indifference, then you'll be protected. For now you are still trapped by your emotions. Forgiveness free's you. Forgiveness is not for him - it's for you. I watched my mom become a bitter woman, constantly reliving and repeating all of the harm my dad had done to her while married. I vowed never to be that way. And so, although I could easily go into a fit of rage thinking about all of the harm that has been done to me in my life, I instead choose to forget it. Instead, I look to my future, which I know can be better. You too can stop looking at the past injustices and save your energy to work on the future.
"The only time you should ever look back is to see how far you've come"
"The only time you should ever look back is to see how far you've come"
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Sasha, thats exactly it. Its not like you can talk to family or friends about any of this. I get the feeling, though no one has said it, except his uncle, that I shouldn't be complaining. They had a disease, they couldn't really help it. The spouse could have left, so maybe some of the problems are the spouses fault. Had they left they wouldn't be in this situation. I
t seems like we are expected to be happy they quit drinking, be supportive and keep your mouth shut. If someone is in a car accident, you certainly dont ignore or deny their injuries, and tell them to just be thankful they weren't killed. Its infuriating!
t seems like we are expected to be happy they quit drinking, be supportive and keep your mouth shut. If someone is in a car accident, you certainly dont ignore or deny their injuries, and tell them to just be thankful they weren't killed. Its infuriating!
Originally Posted by Sasha1972
I think that telling someone in a situation like yours that you have to be patient is one of the most unhelpful things it is possible to say. The problem here is not you or your lack of patience. Your husband is doing what he's doing because he's an alcoholic with no life skills, not because he has an impatient wife. I get that he is making an attempt at recovery and that's good for him, but it doesn't mean that you have to be endlessly "supportive".
I have heard the term "recruiting for Team Alcoholic" used to refer to the alcoholic's (or other people's) attempts to get people around the alcoholic invested in his or her recovery - in the form of being endlessly patient and forgiving and supportive and cheering him or her on (and being admonished when we aren't being endlessly supportive etc). I don't think you need to be on Team Alcoholic. He can recover or not recover, you have no responsibility either way.
I get what you're saying about trying to find a way to deal with anger so you don't end up bitter like your mother. I totally agree, but I don't have any great idea about how to do it.
I have heard the term "recruiting for Team Alcoholic" used to refer to the alcoholic's (or other people's) attempts to get people around the alcoholic invested in his or her recovery - in the form of being endlessly patient and forgiving and supportive and cheering him or her on (and being admonished when we aren't being endlessly supportive etc). I don't think you need to be on Team Alcoholic. He can recover or not recover, you have no responsibility either way.
I get what you're saying about trying to find a way to deal with anger so you don't end up bitter like your mother. I totally agree, but I don't have any great idea about how to do it.
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Im really sorry that happened to you. Panic attacks are terrifying, especially when they just come out of the blue like what happened to you. Even more so if it has never happened to you. Its a good thing you had your mom there to help. Im just really tired of dealing with this and I want to just pack up some basic camping gear, get my dog and disappear into the woods for a few days. Its my favorite place to be, and always centers and calms me. But its cold, and wet, and I like to be dry and warm.
Originally Posted by trailmix
Yes, this is a "real" thing and all too easy to brush off.
Your logical mind says - ok this is the situation (recovering Husband or house where your exHusband used to live etc) and I can CERTAINLY deal with it. I know that feeling scared or anxious is not a rational response and I need to get over it and deal with it. I have tools, sometimes they aren't working and I'm getting overwhelmed, but I can work through this (and maybe you can).
Well, all that may be true, who knows, what I do know is that if you ignore it, it can really get to you.
I've spoken before about having a "nervous breakdown". If you knew me, pre-breakdown (I hate even writing it out) - you would have said, no, not her, she's rather strong, confident, seems happy most of the time. I got a big signal when I had my very first full blown panic attack in a drug store, just standing there looking at some magazines with my Mom. Nothing spectacular going on, but I had to virtually run out of the store with my Mom.
What's strange is and this has occurred to me a few times but my memory of that day is a bit fuzzy, I believe it was that same day there was someone in the same aisle or another? that we had encountered - totally out of control, I figured a crack addict. Maybe that was the final straw, can't say.
Undaunted, I carried on as usual! Shortly thereafter I forced myself to move and basically took a car trip (from hell) from one side of the U.S. to the deep south on the other side (I live in the North).
Maybe it was a "geographical" but as you all well know, that didn't help lol
My point in this long, rambling story is. Please take care of yourself. Once you cross that line between control and panic, it's a LONG way back and during that time you are going to need someone who has your back, I am lucky I had several people, because while you sort it all out you are going to need to rely on people and that alone is hard when you are already scared.
So when I say things like - if you don't take care of yourself and you have an active or recovering addict for a partner and kiddies in the house and a mortgage to pay and you don't take care of yourself and you get overwhelmed - who is going to look after you?
Your logical mind says - ok this is the situation (recovering Husband or house where your exHusband used to live etc) and I can CERTAINLY deal with it. I know that feeling scared or anxious is not a rational response and I need to get over it and deal with it. I have tools, sometimes they aren't working and I'm getting overwhelmed, but I can work through this (and maybe you can).
Well, all that may be true, who knows, what I do know is that if you ignore it, it can really get to you.
I've spoken before about having a "nervous breakdown". If you knew me, pre-breakdown (I hate even writing it out) - you would have said, no, not her, she's rather strong, confident, seems happy most of the time. I got a big signal when I had my very first full blown panic attack in a drug store, just standing there looking at some magazines with my Mom. Nothing spectacular going on, but I had to virtually run out of the store with my Mom.
What's strange is and this has occurred to me a few times but my memory of that day is a bit fuzzy, I believe it was that same day there was someone in the same aisle or another? that we had encountered - totally out of control, I figured a crack addict. Maybe that was the final straw, can't say.
Undaunted, I carried on as usual! Shortly thereafter I forced myself to move and basically took a car trip (from hell) from one side of the U.S. to the deep south on the other side (I live in the North).
Maybe it was a "geographical" but as you all well know, that didn't help lol
My point in this long, rambling story is. Please take care of yourself. Once you cross that line between control and panic, it's a LONG way back and during that time you are going to need someone who has your back, I am lucky I had several people, because while you sort it all out you are going to need to rely on people and that alone is hard when you are already scared.
So when I say things like - if you don't take care of yourself and you have an active or recovering addict for a partner and kiddies in the house and a mortgage to pay and you don't take care of yourself and you get overwhelmed - who is going to look after you?
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Thank you for the perspective from the other side. Alanon did not work for me. Counseling, my faith and SR work wonders. I agree, some things cant be fixed. But if I dont do everything in my power to fix it, I cant live with the decision to end it. I guess theres a balance between trying to work through it, and losing yourself and going crazy.
QUOTE=NYCDoglvr;7113555]I've been attending AA for 27 years and your post is a reminder why so many marriages dissolve after one person gets sober. In all honesty it takes decades to really change some behavior, and that's with a lot of work. Alcoholic drinking causes many changes and so does recovery. And as a codependent I certainly relate to your feelings as well. Some things can't be fixed and once trust and respect are lost I don't think there's any point to going on. Alanon was a huge help in making me see my part of the problem. The support is incredible and I suggest it.[/QUOTE]
QUOTE=NYCDoglvr;7113555]I've been attending AA for 27 years and your post is a reminder why so many marriages dissolve after one person gets sober. In all honesty it takes decades to really change some behavior, and that's with a lot of work. Alcoholic drinking causes many changes and so does recovery. And as a codependent I certainly relate to your feelings as well. Some things can't be fixed and once trust and respect are lost I don't think there's any point to going on. Alanon was a huge help in making me see my part of the problem. The support is incredible and I suggest it.[/QUOTE]
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To be honest, I'm scared I might be done.
I'm scared it's too late, and that I can't let go of some things to be able to meet him in the middle.
I keep getting sucked back in because I miss hugging him, eating dinner with him, listening to him talk excitingly about his garden etc. So I guess anger serves a purpose for me. If I'm mad at him, I don't want anything to do with him. I'm able to keep that wall up, and I don't get sucked back in like I am right now
Originally Posted by Wamama48
But if I dont do everything in my power to fix it, I cant live with the decision to end it. I guess theres a balance between trying to work through it, and losing yourself and going crazy.
You are done (at least for now), but you don't want to be. You can't forgive him for the damage, at least not now. That is not to say that you never will, you probably will someday.
In the meantime you are pushing back against what your mind (and your body) are telling you. You can do that but there is a price and you are paying it right now.
It sounds like you genuinely rather like him as a person, that doesn't have to change, you just might not need to be in a relationship with him right now. That's do-able. There may be 5 huge reasons why you are unable to separate physical households right now - so you have to work with that. You can live in the same house and not be in a relationship, not be married. Perhaps it's time to relinquish your responsibility for him.
No marriage counselling, no worrying about his recovery or this or that, just need to look after yourself and your kids, as it should be.
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Hello Wamama,
You are absolutely have a right to your frustration. I can only begin to imagine. Although addiction runs in my family like a thread that binds the generations--I have never been married to it.
One thing I have learned over the years is that my expectations of other people's behavior is the thing that will absolutely kill any kind of relationship. But, it may be that the relationship needed to die, so to speak.
I kind of compare it to my first marriage. My ex was unfaithful and filed for divorce. The thing I remember very clearly from one particular session with my counselor at the time was her question about whether or not I could ever trust my (now ex) husband again. In other words, even if he did all the right things at the right times in the right amounts, would I ever be able to relax and trust him again? I decided no in that case.
What do you think your reaction would be if your husband were doing everything by way of communicating and participating in the family that you want? Would you still feel the same way you do right now? Or, would you be happy to be part of this relationship again?
You are absolutely have a right to your frustration. I can only begin to imagine. Although addiction runs in my family like a thread that binds the generations--I have never been married to it.
One thing I have learned over the years is that my expectations of other people's behavior is the thing that will absolutely kill any kind of relationship. But, it may be that the relationship needed to die, so to speak.
I kind of compare it to my first marriage. My ex was unfaithful and filed for divorce. The thing I remember very clearly from one particular session with my counselor at the time was her question about whether or not I could ever trust my (now ex) husband again. In other words, even if he did all the right things at the right times in the right amounts, would I ever be able to relax and trust him again? I decided no in that case.
What do you think your reaction would be if your husband were doing everything by way of communicating and participating in the family that you want? Would you still feel the same way you do right now? Or, would you be happy to be part of this relationship again?
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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A couple things stand out to me. Do you feel like a wife or a mom?
And yes, I totally understand that want for the sweet things that we used to do together or talks we used to have. It's very sad. Is there anyway to recapture one of these? Maybe start planning the garden?
And yes, I totally understand that want for the sweet things that we used to do together or talks we used to have. It's very sad. Is there anyway to recapture one of these? Maybe start planning the garden?
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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Originally Posted by Seren
Hello Wamama,
You are absolutely have a right to your frustration. I can only begin to imagine. Although addiction runs in my family like a thread that binds the generations--I have never been married to it.
One thing I have learned over the years is that my expectations of other people's behavior is the thing that will absolutely kill any kind of relationship. But, it may be that the relationship needed to die, so to speak.
I kind of compare it to my first marriage. My ex was unfaithful and filed for divorce. The thing I remember very clearly from one particular session with my counselor at the time was her question about whether or not I could ever trust my (now ex) husband again. In other words, even if he did all the right things at the right times in the right amounts, would I ever be able to relax and trust him again? I decided no in that case.
What do you think your reaction would be if your husband were doing everything by way of communicating and participating in the family that you want? Would you still feel the same way you do right now? Or, would you be happy to be part of this relationship again?
You are absolutely have a right to your frustration. I can only begin to imagine. Although addiction runs in my family like a thread that binds the generations--I have never been married to it.
One thing I have learned over the years is that my expectations of other people's behavior is the thing that will absolutely kill any kind of relationship. But, it may be that the relationship needed to die, so to speak.
I kind of compare it to my first marriage. My ex was unfaithful and filed for divorce. The thing I remember very clearly from one particular session with my counselor at the time was her question about whether or not I could ever trust my (now ex) husband again. In other words, even if he did all the right things at the right times in the right amounts, would I ever be able to relax and trust him again? I decided no in that case.
What do you think your reaction would be if your husband were doing everything by way of communicating and participating in the family that you want? Would you still feel the same way you do right now? Or, would you be happy to be part of this relationship again?
Good point. Sometimes anger doesn't allow us to be satisfied. Is it a need for chaos? I don't know
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I think sometimes we can get so caught up in "managing" and "trying to cope" and taking care of everything that it's all but impossible to just say STOP, wth am I actually doing here?
Separating from someone, anyone, that you care about is horrible but maybe this goes back to what Firesprite mentioned in another thread - a reminder that this is "temporary".
Nothing is set in stone, if a relationship is doing harm to you, for whatever reason, maybe it's time to separate and regroup yourselves, both of you, it's not a one-sided thing. The other person must take some responsibility.
In time, with care, there is nothing to say that problems cannot be resolved. That doesn't mean you have to stand in the fire while doing it though and in fact that is probably not the best place to be if there is hope for some kind of resolution.
Separating from someone, anyone, that you care about is horrible but maybe this goes back to what Firesprite mentioned in another thread - a reminder that this is "temporary".
Nothing is set in stone, if a relationship is doing harm to you, for whatever reason, maybe it's time to separate and regroup yourselves, both of you, it's not a one-sided thing. The other person must take some responsibility.
In time, with care, there is nothing to say that problems cannot be resolved. That doesn't mean you have to stand in the fire while doing it though and in fact that is probably not the best place to be if there is hope for some kind of resolution.
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Wamama, My phone screen is tiny so I have to confess I’ve only read your OP... but the reason for responding is something you said really resonated.
Not being ready or able to forgive is completely and totally understandable.
I don’t forgive because I approve of what someone had done. I can’t even say for certain that I’ve fully accepted all the things that I’ve felt resentment over, either.
I forgive for many reasons, but some are downright selfish. I know that if I don’t forgive, if I hang on to resentment, it will eat me alive. It has.
I think at some point in my life, resentment kept me going. In some perverse way it kept me above the chaos, gave me something to focus on. As a fellow acoa perhaps you had some of that when you were younger.
But for me, eventually it became bad for me. It ***** me up. So After a longgggg time of letting it **** me up, I had to give up on it.
Whatever you decide, I hope it leads you to peace and happiness. You deserve both.
Not being ready or able to forgive is completely and totally understandable.
I don’t forgive because I approve of what someone had done. I can’t even say for certain that I’ve fully accepted all the things that I’ve felt resentment over, either.
I forgive for many reasons, but some are downright selfish. I know that if I don’t forgive, if I hang on to resentment, it will eat me alive. It has.
I think at some point in my life, resentment kept me going. In some perverse way it kept me above the chaos, gave me something to focus on. As a fellow acoa perhaps you had some of that when you were younger.
But for me, eventually it became bad for me. It ***** me up. So After a longgggg time of letting it **** me up, I had to give up on it.
Whatever you decide, I hope it leads you to peace and happiness. You deserve both.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I think sometimes we can get so caught up in "managing" and "trying to cope" and taking care of everything that it's all but impossible to just say STOP, wth am I actually doing here?
There are no RIGHT answers, and beyond that, what you might consider "right for you" today could change over the course of the upcoming months as you yourself evolve in your recovery. Had you asked me a year ago to predict where I'd be today there is NO WAY I would've gotten it right.
What helped me this last year is this: I decided I couldn't take the pressure of feeling like I "should have" a decision made or at least a solid direction I was headed in terms of staying/leaving my marriage - whenever I hear myself "should'ing" all over myself it's a sign to stop & look deeper. Who says I should this or that?
I decided that I didn't have enough info/data collected about his side of things & couldn't force the things that had to develop & show themselves over time. He needed that time to show repeated, changed behaviors. I needed it to figure out what I wanted & needed & to separate the difference between the two.
I also couldn't just commit to fixing my marriage or working toward that as a goal until I did make a decision, which is an odd sort of limbo to be in - so I told my husband that I wanted to just take our relationship off the table of "things" being actively worked on & focus on what we had as joint assets/liabilities instead.... there we each had a vested interest in finding compromise, solutions, etc. Neither of us could predict where we'd end up, but we could try to put ourselves in the best situation by working together at home repairs, increasing home equity, paying down/off debts, learning to parent together, etc.
I sought a way for us to develop common language/common ground without the pressure of "us" & honestly I was being a tad selfish - I knew I'd get way farther way faster with his help on a ton of household stuff & that the cost savings would make a huge difference if we split & I was managing on my own.... but I also feel like it's valid to expect him to "fix" the stuff he neglected.
For us - this took a lot of pressure off the Big Picture & let us each focus on each step along the way instead. It didn't make it easy, but it definitely made a lot of it easier & it's been so helpful for me to remind myself that *this* is as much as I have committed to & that *I* am still in charge of what/when I attach to more.
Yes - I occasionally have had to back him up & remind him of this agreement & yes, sometimes it seems to irritate him but I'm not responsible for his feelings. And hey - this isn't a punishment either, but rather the natural consequences of his decisions for YEARS leading up to this point. I'm not going to be bullied into deciding on the rest of my life based on a few good-getting-better months. I'm not making all of my future decisions based on what I see through the peephole of the door - I'm wrenching that thing open wider & wider for as full of a view as possible.
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The minute I read the title of your thread, it felt as if I wrote it. Letting go of the anger, that is so hard. My AH is still drinking but we have the typical good days and bad. I’ve heard from the all our family and friends that I need to do this, I need to do that, I need to be understanding, patient, supportive, it’s a disease, he’s depressed, he has a hard job, etc.. All of their advice may be well intentioned but all it does is infuriate me. Is anyone telling him he needs to quit drinking and treat us better?! I’ve been manning this ship for 15 years basically alone, raising 3 kids and working! I’m glad everyone thinks I need to cut him a break and be more patient and understanding. I feel like the only way off this roller coaster is divorce but our family is so important to me that I stay and try to convince myself the crumbs of normality we get are enough. I know it’s not. I feel for you and understand the anger and frustration about how it feels as if it’s ( and always will be) all about HIM. Reading these threads have helped me so much. We are not alone. I want it to be acknowledged that he has caused and is causing a lot of unnecessary emotional suffering for me and our children! I guess that’s why I have to get on here and talk to you guys, the only people who seem to get it. Thanks for your post. We are here for you.
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Hi Mango! I was thinking of you today too! Doing better, had a few lightbulb moments. I love when that happens, it always brings clarity and a measure of calm. I hope you are well Mango, wishing you a very happy tomorrow.
QUOTE=Mango212;7126902]Hi Wamama,
Checking in. How are you doing today?
[/QUOTE]
QUOTE=Mango212;7126902]Hi Wamama,
Checking in. How are you doing today?
[/QUOTE]
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Wamama, what you are going through seems normal to me. Once they are on the road to recovery, then you are no longer on high alert so everything, the pain, the frustration, the resentment and anger come pouring out cause you no longer have to hold it in. You owe him NOTHING. But you owe yourself, healing and peace of ming. As someone told me here, you have to go through the pain to come out the other side. Focus on you, not on him. Feel the feelings then let them go, feel the pain, the anger, then work on your own healing, not for anyone else but for you.
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I have also come to the conclusion (based on my own friends and family), no-one and I mean no-one knows what it is like to be with an A. Only if you have lived it, will you know, so I put little store by what those people say. Yes they may be well intentioned but they just don't know, so do not take their advice seriously.
The other day my dearest friend couldn't understand why I was upset that my AH had bought 2 beers ( I found a receipt in the kitchen worktop). To you here, you would get it, to her i was making a mountain out of a molehill but I didn't take it seriously.
The other day my dearest friend couldn't understand why I was upset that my AH had bought 2 beers ( I found a receipt in the kitchen worktop). To you here, you would get it, to her i was making a mountain out of a molehill but I didn't take it seriously.
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Hi
I haven’t been here very regularly hence the late reply.
I just got divorced in November. My RAH has been sober since 9/2016 and did 3 months in rehab to get there and is still being followed very closely. So from a sobriety stand point he is doing great. They told us not to make any life changing decision that first year after rehab and I agree that you shouldn’t. He had to change a lot and I myself as well. We did marriage counseling for 16 months before he finally called it quits. Not because he really wanted a divorce but because he was tired of me treating him like a doormat. We were married for 12 years and together for 16 and he had been a drunk since before I met him, I just didn’t realize the extent of his drinking or really the seriousness and the ins and outs of addiction. Love makes blind and in retrospect I had my codependency issues which is why this was a perfect match.
I think truth be told, I was just done when I confronted him in 2016. The 2 years leading up to that were the worst. He had quit in 2014 after I had confronted him then but did it in his own and white knuckled it and was a dry drunk (which I was not familiar with at the time). At that point I still loved him and was hopeful it would work. He stayed clean for 13 months before relapsing and drank for a year before I confronted him the last time. During those 2 years however I (without really knowing consciously what I was doing) I started detaching and doing my own thing with my kid. It was also the time she started school and so I was now meeting a lot more moms with kids and making my own friends really for the first time in forever. I started having my own social life that he could be part of but more often than not was too tired/cranky/drunk to participate. I quit caring.i became indifferent and angry because I was the only one that knew what was going on and my kid was not safe with him. I knew when he was drinking and just got more angry as time went on. I also had decided that I was not going to step in because every time I had done that he would stop for a while and then relapse. I realized he or I had to hit rock bottom for something to change long term. I honestly think I hit rock bottom first which is why I ended up confronting him because I could no longer pretend and go with the flow. He really disgusted me on many levels, especially on the intimate level, and I did not want to be around him. Rehab was really rough, things got a lot worse because he was a manipulative jerk and it took several weeks before he finally saw that and started to slowly change.
Marriage counseling was good to get a lot out but I never really felt like I could get to the point where I wanted to be with him intimately. I realized how many things, including really important convos about things that upset me, he has no memory of and it made me question what kind of relationship we had had for many years.
He changed a lot, but still those manipulative tendencies/reactivity would come out. A lot less, but still there. And it remains a trigger for me to this day with him. I did counseling weekly for 2 years. It took me a long time to accept that I just did not want to be with him anymore. Lots of guilt, I should want to be with him because he finally quit. I should be happy that he quit. I don’t want my child to grown up in a broken home. I don’t want to be divorced....again. But none of those reasons had anything to do with what I really felt or my happiness. They were all reasons not to hurt other people, and they were all reasons that would have left me continuing my codependent tendencies and taking care of others while plugging along to keep everyone else happy. I also knew that I just could not picture myself with him once out kiddo was out of the house. And I didn’t want to stay for her sake and then have wasted 10 years of my life only to still get divorced. It also would not have been healthy for our kiddo.
My XH made quite a bit of progress in a relatively short period of time. I am 99.9% positive that it would have taken him years to get where he was after 6 months had he not been forced to to 3 months of inpatient rehab. And he may not have ever gotten there. I don’t think your RaH has done any real significant treatment other than AAbut maybe I am wrong. Is he doing individual counseling as well? Because I know AA is helpful but most people that have been a drunk for many years need individual counseling or some sort of program in addition to AA. It took my XH 6 weeks to finally start making a dent in his manipulative ways and that was with many hours of courseling, AA, and other groups.
It sounds like you still love him. I really don’t think I had that anymore. Like someone mentioned earlier I think I just detached and became indifferent which might be worse than anger. And yes it is frustrating when everyone is telling you to be patient. And like someone pointed out, you will need to continue to be patient, IF you want to stay in the marriage. Because it is a slow process especially if someone has been like that for many years. Alcoholics stop maturing opwhen they start drinking so my XH was basically a 13-14 year old in a 50 something body. That is a lot of years of bad behaviors and no coping skills that need to change and it does take time. My XH would have done anything for me to be able to stay married. And I just could not accept it and saw it as way to “buy” me so to speak. He is not an evil or bad person, he never laid a hand on me but the emotional abuse and neglect took a toll on me. I didn’t know how much until I started doing counseling and was finally to admit all these suppressed feelings I had had for so long. I don’t think he will ever really understand it. We have addressed it in counseling many times. But he will never understand how repulsed I was and why I could not come back from that even if he was sober now.
I have been on my own now since end of November and I don’t have any regrets other than having to split my kid 50/50 now (he was very uninvolved most of the time since she was born so I did all the care) but I guess she gets to see him more and now he has to actually be a real parent and not just be Disney dad. So for her it is probably a good thing. But I also knew that that was no reason to stay. I would have continued to sacrifice my happiness.
If you are truly committed to the marriage for the right reason (not just because you want to spare everyone the pain of divorce at your cost) then you will need to continue to be patient with him and continue to work on yourself. Maybe he needs a more intensive treatment program to try and improve himself. At AA your not really forced to confront your feelings I think and in individual counseling he would be forced to face his feelings and deal with them. You get to speak for a couple of minute in AA and then listen to the rest. Maybe he is just passively listening and not really processing things. It would be easy to do, that is why alanin did not work for me. Counseling was much more productive as well as coming here and reading and having time to process everything that was said here and read it again if needed.
Don’t forget yourself and really explore why you want to stay. Practical reasons may not be good enough and then you will just resent yourself later for having stayed for the wrong reasons, no one can give you an answer. My counselor played the devils advocate many times to be sure that I had explored all options feelings etc so I could feel good about whatever decision I made (staying vs leaving). It took a long time but it was very helpful. I think you need to focus on you and your kids mostly. Do marriage counseling for sure but he should do his own as well. I am surprised you are using your own counselor for both, they typically recommend against that and a lot of counselors won’t do it. But if it works for both of you then cool. It is so hard, and for you even more so I think because your H has poor vision and probably wouldn’t do well alone. That puts a huge burden on you as far as feeling like you can’t abandon him. I know it would’ve made things harder for me if I was in yiur shoes. Just know that if you feel like you are done that it is ok. Both people change a lot once one gets sober and that means that you’re not always compatible anymore. and that is ok, but I know it is hard to accept fro personal experience.
Hang in there and lots of self careless!
I haven’t been here very regularly hence the late reply.
I just got divorced in November. My RAH has been sober since 9/2016 and did 3 months in rehab to get there and is still being followed very closely. So from a sobriety stand point he is doing great. They told us not to make any life changing decision that first year after rehab and I agree that you shouldn’t. He had to change a lot and I myself as well. We did marriage counseling for 16 months before he finally called it quits. Not because he really wanted a divorce but because he was tired of me treating him like a doormat. We were married for 12 years and together for 16 and he had been a drunk since before I met him, I just didn’t realize the extent of his drinking or really the seriousness and the ins and outs of addiction. Love makes blind and in retrospect I had my codependency issues which is why this was a perfect match.
I think truth be told, I was just done when I confronted him in 2016. The 2 years leading up to that were the worst. He had quit in 2014 after I had confronted him then but did it in his own and white knuckled it and was a dry drunk (which I was not familiar with at the time). At that point I still loved him and was hopeful it would work. He stayed clean for 13 months before relapsing and drank for a year before I confronted him the last time. During those 2 years however I (without really knowing consciously what I was doing) I started detaching and doing my own thing with my kid. It was also the time she started school and so I was now meeting a lot more moms with kids and making my own friends really for the first time in forever. I started having my own social life that he could be part of but more often than not was too tired/cranky/drunk to participate. I quit caring.i became indifferent and angry because I was the only one that knew what was going on and my kid was not safe with him. I knew when he was drinking and just got more angry as time went on. I also had decided that I was not going to step in because every time I had done that he would stop for a while and then relapse. I realized he or I had to hit rock bottom for something to change long term. I honestly think I hit rock bottom first which is why I ended up confronting him because I could no longer pretend and go with the flow. He really disgusted me on many levels, especially on the intimate level, and I did not want to be around him. Rehab was really rough, things got a lot worse because he was a manipulative jerk and it took several weeks before he finally saw that and started to slowly change.
Marriage counseling was good to get a lot out but I never really felt like I could get to the point where I wanted to be with him intimately. I realized how many things, including really important convos about things that upset me, he has no memory of and it made me question what kind of relationship we had had for many years.
He changed a lot, but still those manipulative tendencies/reactivity would come out. A lot less, but still there. And it remains a trigger for me to this day with him. I did counseling weekly for 2 years. It took me a long time to accept that I just did not want to be with him anymore. Lots of guilt, I should want to be with him because he finally quit. I should be happy that he quit. I don’t want my child to grown up in a broken home. I don’t want to be divorced....again. But none of those reasons had anything to do with what I really felt or my happiness. They were all reasons not to hurt other people, and they were all reasons that would have left me continuing my codependent tendencies and taking care of others while plugging along to keep everyone else happy. I also knew that I just could not picture myself with him once out kiddo was out of the house. And I didn’t want to stay for her sake and then have wasted 10 years of my life only to still get divorced. It also would not have been healthy for our kiddo.
My XH made quite a bit of progress in a relatively short period of time. I am 99.9% positive that it would have taken him years to get where he was after 6 months had he not been forced to to 3 months of inpatient rehab. And he may not have ever gotten there. I don’t think your RaH has done any real significant treatment other than AAbut maybe I am wrong. Is he doing individual counseling as well? Because I know AA is helpful but most people that have been a drunk for many years need individual counseling or some sort of program in addition to AA. It took my XH 6 weeks to finally start making a dent in his manipulative ways and that was with many hours of courseling, AA, and other groups.
It sounds like you still love him. I really don’t think I had that anymore. Like someone mentioned earlier I think I just detached and became indifferent which might be worse than anger. And yes it is frustrating when everyone is telling you to be patient. And like someone pointed out, you will need to continue to be patient, IF you want to stay in the marriage. Because it is a slow process especially if someone has been like that for many years. Alcoholics stop maturing opwhen they start drinking so my XH was basically a 13-14 year old in a 50 something body. That is a lot of years of bad behaviors and no coping skills that need to change and it does take time. My XH would have done anything for me to be able to stay married. And I just could not accept it and saw it as way to “buy” me so to speak. He is not an evil or bad person, he never laid a hand on me but the emotional abuse and neglect took a toll on me. I didn’t know how much until I started doing counseling and was finally to admit all these suppressed feelings I had had for so long. I don’t think he will ever really understand it. We have addressed it in counseling many times. But he will never understand how repulsed I was and why I could not come back from that even if he was sober now.
I have been on my own now since end of November and I don’t have any regrets other than having to split my kid 50/50 now (he was very uninvolved most of the time since she was born so I did all the care) but I guess she gets to see him more and now he has to actually be a real parent and not just be Disney dad. So for her it is probably a good thing. But I also knew that that was no reason to stay. I would have continued to sacrifice my happiness.
If you are truly committed to the marriage for the right reason (not just because you want to spare everyone the pain of divorce at your cost) then you will need to continue to be patient with him and continue to work on yourself. Maybe he needs a more intensive treatment program to try and improve himself. At AA your not really forced to confront your feelings I think and in individual counseling he would be forced to face his feelings and deal with them. You get to speak for a couple of minute in AA and then listen to the rest. Maybe he is just passively listening and not really processing things. It would be easy to do, that is why alanin did not work for me. Counseling was much more productive as well as coming here and reading and having time to process everything that was said here and read it again if needed.
Don’t forget yourself and really explore why you want to stay. Practical reasons may not be good enough and then you will just resent yourself later for having stayed for the wrong reasons, no one can give you an answer. My counselor played the devils advocate many times to be sure that I had explored all options feelings etc so I could feel good about whatever decision I made (staying vs leaving). It took a long time but it was very helpful. I think you need to focus on you and your kids mostly. Do marriage counseling for sure but he should do his own as well. I am surprised you are using your own counselor for both, they typically recommend against that and a lot of counselors won’t do it. But if it works for both of you then cool. It is so hard, and for you even more so I think because your H has poor vision and probably wouldn’t do well alone. That puts a huge burden on you as far as feeling like you can’t abandon him. I know it would’ve made things harder for me if I was in yiur shoes. Just know that if you feel like you are done that it is ok. Both people change a lot once one gets sober and that means that you’re not always compatible anymore. and that is ok, but I know it is hard to accept fro personal experience.
Hang in there and lots of self careless!
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