When you find it hard to love yourself.
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When you find it hard to love yourself.
I'm struggling this week in particular.
Been watching lots of podcasts about codependency, self love deficit disorder, the narcissist/codependent dynamic and addiction. All the advise given is to have a healthy relationship with the self first and foremost.
Been dating someone recently and all I can think about is why isn't he in contact more, more texts, meeting up more than the twice a week. I'm looking externally again to fill a void. Codependency is not love. How can I expect someone else to fill it, I can't!
This week I'm riddled with anxiety. Ive been doing lots of gym work, yoga class last night and daily affirmations etc but I feel horrible. I really don't like myself and I thought I was making great strides on this front. I feel I've taken 100 steps back.
It's bordering on self loathing. How could I have been so stupid with my ex and allowing myself to be used and now all my Codependent stuff is glaring me right in the face with new guy. All the work I have to do. I feel flawed, like I'm damaged and could never have a decent relationship.
Anyone else go through feeling like this, please tell me it's going to get better.
Been watching lots of podcasts about codependency, self love deficit disorder, the narcissist/codependent dynamic and addiction. All the advise given is to have a healthy relationship with the self first and foremost.
Been dating someone recently and all I can think about is why isn't he in contact more, more texts, meeting up more than the twice a week. I'm looking externally again to fill a void. Codependency is not love. How can I expect someone else to fill it, I can't!
This week I'm riddled with anxiety. Ive been doing lots of gym work, yoga class last night and daily affirmations etc but I feel horrible. I really don't like myself and I thought I was making great strides on this front. I feel I've taken 100 steps back.
It's bordering on self loathing. How could I have been so stupid with my ex and allowing myself to be used and now all my Codependent stuff is glaring me right in the face with new guy. All the work I have to do. I feel flawed, like I'm damaged and could never have a decent relationship.
Anyone else go through feeling like this, please tell me it's going to get better.
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Location: Chicago
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It takes time, Glenjo.
Part of building a good relationship with yourself, with laying a founding of healthy self-esteem, is taking esteemable actions. If this new relationship is only reinforcing unhealthy behaviors, perhaps it is not time for a new relationship--not just with this person, but with anyone.
I needed to be alone to accomplish all this. There was no other way. In addition to simply not being good relationship material, all a relationship with someone else would have done was distract me from the relationship I was trying to build with myself.
You are not flawed, or broken, or damaged beyond help. You're just not. No one is! But you have to give yourself the best chance you can, and all the time you need, to heal. It will happen. If it happened for me, it can happen for anyone.
Part of building a good relationship with yourself, with laying a founding of healthy self-esteem, is taking esteemable actions. If this new relationship is only reinforcing unhealthy behaviors, perhaps it is not time for a new relationship--not just with this person, but with anyone.
I needed to be alone to accomplish all this. There was no other way. In addition to simply not being good relationship material, all a relationship with someone else would have done was distract me from the relationship I was trying to build with myself.
You are not flawed, or broken, or damaged beyond help. You're just not. No one is! But you have to give yourself the best chance you can, and all the time you need, to heal. It will happen. If it happened for me, it can happen for anyone.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
It takes time, Glenjo.
Part of building a good relationship with yourself, with laying a founding of healthy self-esteem, is taking esteemable actions. If this new relationship is only reinforcing unhealthy behaviors, perhaps it is not time for a new relationship--not just with this person, but with anyone.
I needed to be alone to accomplish all this. There was no other way. In addition to simply not being good relationship material, all a relationship with someone else would have done was distract me from the relationship I was trying to build with myself.
You are not flawed, or broken, or damaged beyond help. You're just not. No one is! But you have to give yourself the best chance you can, and all the time you need, to heal. It will happen. If it happened for me, it can happen for anyone.
Part of building a good relationship with yourself, with laying a founding of healthy self-esteem, is taking esteemable actions. If this new relationship is only reinforcing unhealthy behaviors, perhaps it is not time for a new relationship--not just with this person, but with anyone.
I needed to be alone to accomplish all this. There was no other way. In addition to simply not being good relationship material, all a relationship with someone else would have done was distract me from the relationship I was trying to build with myself.
You are not flawed, or broken, or damaged beyond help. You're just not. No one is! But you have to give yourself the best chance you can, and all the time you need, to heal. It will happen. If it happened for me, it can happen for anyone.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Thanks I do need time to heal. A lot longer than I think I do. I think I had thought that because I had moved on in my head from my ex that hey everything is ok now. Far from it. Loads of work to do on myself.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
I get it, I thought the same thing. It wasn't about my ex, and whether I'd moved on from them. It was about me, and developing that relationship from scratch.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
It's going to get better. YouTube links for you, my friend. 
Curious George & Plain White T's. Tap into curiosity and playfulness.
https://youtu.be/1ZcNR5Asxtg
Tim McMorris, On Top of the World
https://youtu.be/-ZWMzn6_SYk
A Higher Power thing
https://youtu.be/HsHT1fmiLr4
Are you familiar with the song, "Best Day of My Life"? This is a brief, slower acoustic version:
https://youtu.be/6YIeBdJ8j8M
A.H.
https://youtu.be/T3vIJgWkXhU
Rain and Native American Flute
https://youtu.be/rQJqgMMjFDg
It's a learned practice. As I recognize I simply have been knocked down a bunch of times, I can become much more resilient at getting back up!!!!!
https://youtu.be/3Q_-9FyIxQE
Curious George & Plain White T's. Tap into curiosity and playfulness.
https://youtu.be/1ZcNR5Asxtg
Tim McMorris, On Top of the World
https://youtu.be/-ZWMzn6_SYk
A Higher Power thing
https://youtu.be/HsHT1fmiLr4
Are you familiar with the song, "Best Day of My Life"? This is a brief, slower acoustic version:
https://youtu.be/6YIeBdJ8j8M
A.H.
https://youtu.be/T3vIJgWkXhU
Rain and Native American Flute
https://youtu.be/rQJqgMMjFDg
It's a learned practice. As I recognize I simply have been knocked down a bunch of times, I can become much more resilient at getting back up!!!!!
https://youtu.be/3Q_-9FyIxQE
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Yeh that's it. So you think it's better to be on my own for now and work on myself, than date this new person and deal with the issues that it brings up for me?
2. Do you have fun together?
3. What was the question ---- do you like having fun and being treated well? Perhaps simply start applying the good aspects of ***this*** new relationship to the relationship you're learning to have with yourself.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Yeh that's it. So you think it's better to be on my own for now and work on myself, than date this new person and deal with the issues that it brings up for me?
Of course this is just my experience. Your mileage may vary.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
It takes time, Glenjo.
Part of building a good relationship with yourself, with laying a founding of healthy self-esteem, is taking esteemable actions. If this new relationship is only reinforcing unhealthy behaviors, perhaps it is not time for a new relationship--not just with this person, but with anyone.
I needed to be alone to accomplish all this. There was no other way. In addition to simply not being good relationship material, all a relationship with someone else would have done was distract me from the relationship I was trying to build with myself.
You are not flawed, or broken, or damaged beyond help. You're just not. No one is! But you have to give yourself the best chance you can, and all the time you need, to heal. It will happen. If it happened for me, it can happen for anyone.
Part of building a good relationship with yourself, with laying a founding of healthy self-esteem, is taking esteemable actions. If this new relationship is only reinforcing unhealthy behaviors, perhaps it is not time for a new relationship--not just with this person, but with anyone.
I needed to be alone to accomplish all this. There was no other way. In addition to simply not being good relationship material, all a relationship with someone else would have done was distract me from the relationship I was trying to build with myself.
You are not flawed, or broken, or damaged beyond help. You're just not. No one is! But you have to give yourself the best chance you can, and all the time you need, to heal. It will happen. If it happened for me, it can happen for anyone.
There is NO other way that I've seen that doesn't include massive amounts of denial & "settling" (NOT compromising) in life. You take yourself everywhere you go, right?
I'm going to go find & bump a thread for you from the stickys about Interventions for the Codie - the author's story may be different from yours, but the article itself does an amazing job of illustrating exactly how insidious codependency is - how it is, in reality, an addiction sometimes. Maybe you'll find something useful in this read.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 319
When you put down your drug of choice (alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, sex, a person, focusing too much on or trying to control others, over working yourself... whatever), and you just sit quietly with yourself, it’s very normal for all of your “issues stuff” that’s been masked by all of that other stuff to come up. Things can get uncomfortable :/. Sounds like maybe that’s what’s happening?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Originally Posted by Glenjo99
It's bordering on self loathing. How could I have been so stupid with my ex and allowing myself to be used and now all my Codependent stuff is glaring me right in the face with new guy. All the work I have to do. I feel flawed, like I'm damaged and could never have a decent relationship.
Anyone else go through feeling like this, please tell me it's going to get better.
Anyone else go through feeling like this, please tell me it's going to get better.
First things first. You might want to ditch the self talk that includes any words like "flawed" and "damaged". You aren't. That's the key, you are ok just the way you are - even being co-dependent.
Now, we ALL have things to work on, whether that's patience, anger or co-dependency. Doesn't mean we are "broken" - btw I really dislike that label - whichever song writer decided that was a good way to describe people should be fined, possibly do jail time.
I understand that anxiety completely, when your mind is rushing around, trying to settle somewhere and can't, for whatever reason (because that's hard to pin down). Because it's so hard to pin down it seems all encompassing and how do you solve THAT? It's tough.
It's fear.
What is that fear? Abandonment? If he called every day, texted every hour, you would be reassured. That's the clincher, your grounded-ness is fleeting, you need the reassurance that all is well because if it isn't, how will you cope? What if he never calls again. (This is where your work on your own self-worth and "ok-ness" will kick in).
The fine line here is between being able to full engage with another person and trust and having to dis-engage to hold on to your mental well-being.
Maybe this new guy, for all his good points, is not the guy for you? You consider him to be just great (and I'm sure he is) but maybe he isn't great for you? Bring it back to what you need. Maybe you want someone who wants to see you 4 times a week, maybe you don't like casual - that's ok! Not talking about being joined at the hip etc etc - that goes without saying, just saying that what you want in a relationship is OK!
I've been in good relationships and not good ones and I tell you they are worlds apart. When the match is good you won't have all of this wondering. There is a trust and a foundation that you can rely on.
So I'm not saying you are not co-dependant and I'm not saying you are not looking for validation elsewhere just saying that might be something else you look at. What do you want, who is that person and maybe someone more involved and trustworthy is who you need, not who you are currently dating.
Sometimes people bring out negative things in us (not their fault necessarily).
I do agree that not being in a relationship while you sort some of this out is probably necessary.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Been dating someone recently and all I can think about is why isn't he in contact more, more texts, meeting up more than the twice a week. I'm looking externally again to fill a void. Codependency is not love. How can I expect someone else to fill it, I can't!
correct and you gave yourself about 26 hours between romantic interests....so everything you were feeling with #1 immediately transferred to #2. its like switching from gin to beer.......different label, different bottle, same substance.
#1 was never going to fill your void and #2 won't either.
your void is for you to fill.
give yourself the time and space to do the work. just as it's not recommended to smoke while also doing yoga..........or take up jogging in your house slippers. pare it down, simply, clear space to focus on the task at hand.
correct and you gave yourself about 26 hours between romantic interests....so everything you were feeling with #1 immediately transferred to #2. its like switching from gin to beer.......different label, different bottle, same substance.
#1 was never going to fill your void and #2 won't either.
your void is for you to fill.
give yourself the time and space to do the work. just as it's not recommended to smoke while also doing yoga..........or take up jogging in your house slippers. pare it down, simply, clear space to focus on the task at hand.
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Originally Posted by Clover71
Mango has a good point above. Also, this is just a tough time of the year in general. Just live and do the things you enjoy. Take some time to binge watch a new show, etc.
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Originally Posted by pdm22
When you put down your drug of choice (alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, sex, a person, focusing too much on or trying to control others, over working yourself... whatever), and you just sit quietly with yourself, it’s very normal for all of your “issues stuff” that’s been masked by all of that other stuff to come up. Things can get uncomfortable :/. Sounds like maybe that’s what’s happening?
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Originally Posted by trailmix
It's going to get better. Truly.
First things first. You might want to ditch the self talk that includes any words like "flawed" and "damaged". You aren't. That's the key, you are ok just the way you are - even being co-dependent.
Now, we ALL have things to work on, whether that's patience, anger or co-dependency. Doesn't mean we are "broken" - btw I really dislike that label - whichever song writer decided that was a good way to describe people should be fined, possibly do jail time.
I understand that anxiety completely, when your mind is rushing around, trying to settle somewhere and can't, for whatever reason (because that's hard to pin down). Because it's so hard to pin down it seems all encompassing and how do you solve THAT? It's tough.
It's fear.
What is that fear? Abandonment? If he called every day, texted every hour, you would be reassured. That's the clincher, your grounded-ness is fleeting, you need the reassurance that all is well because if it isn't, how will you cope? What if he never calls again. (This is where your work on your own self-worth and "ok-ness" will kick in).
The fine line here is between being able to full engage with another person and trust and having to dis-engage to hold on to your mental well-being.
Maybe this new guy, for all his good points, is not the guy for you? You consider him to be just great (and I'm sure he is) but maybe he isn't great for you? Bring it back to what you need. Maybe you want someone who wants to see you 4 times a week, maybe you don't like casual - that's ok! Not talking about being joined at the hip etc etc - that goes without saying, just saying that what you want in a relationship is OK!
I've been in good relationships and not good ones and I tell you they are worlds apart. When the match is good you won't have all of this wondering. There is a trust and a foundation that you can rely on.
So I'm not saying you are not co-dependant and I'm not saying you are not looking for validation elsewhere just saying that might be something else you look at. What do you want, who is that person and maybe someone more involved and trustworthy is who you need, not who you are currently dating.
Sometimes people bring out negative things in us (not their fault necessarily).
I do agree that not being in a relationship while you sort some of this out is probably necessary.
First things first. You might want to ditch the self talk that includes any words like "flawed" and "damaged". You aren't. That's the key, you are ok just the way you are - even being co-dependent.
Now, we ALL have things to work on, whether that's patience, anger or co-dependency. Doesn't mean we are "broken" - btw I really dislike that label - whichever song writer decided that was a good way to describe people should be fined, possibly do jail time.
I understand that anxiety completely, when your mind is rushing around, trying to settle somewhere and can't, for whatever reason (because that's hard to pin down). Because it's so hard to pin down it seems all encompassing and how do you solve THAT? It's tough.
It's fear.
What is that fear? Abandonment? If he called every day, texted every hour, you would be reassured. That's the clincher, your grounded-ness is fleeting, you need the reassurance that all is well because if it isn't, how will you cope? What if he never calls again. (This is where your work on your own self-worth and "ok-ness" will kick in).
The fine line here is between being able to full engage with another person and trust and having to dis-engage to hold on to your mental well-being.
Maybe this new guy, for all his good points, is not the guy for you? You consider him to be just great (and I'm sure he is) but maybe he isn't great for you? Bring it back to what you need. Maybe you want someone who wants to see you 4 times a week, maybe you don't like casual - that's ok! Not talking about being joined at the hip etc etc - that goes without saying, just saying that what you want in a relationship is OK!
I've been in good relationships and not good ones and I tell you they are worlds apart. When the match is good you won't have all of this wondering. There is a trust and a foundation that you can rely on.
So I'm not saying you are not co-dependant and I'm not saying you are not looking for validation elsewhere just saying that might be something else you look at. What do you want, who is that person and maybe someone more involved and trustworthy is who you need, not who you are currently dating.
Sometimes people bring out negative things in us (not their fault necessarily).
I do agree that not being in a relationship while you sort some of this out is probably necessary.
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
^^This, x100.
There is NO other way that I've seen that doesn't include massive amounts of denial & "settling" (NOT compromising) in life. You take yourself everywhere you go, right?
I'm going to go find & bump a thread for you from the stickys about Interventions for the Codie - the author's story may be different from yours, but the article itself does an amazing job of illustrating exactly how insidious codependency is - how it is, in reality, an addiction sometimes. Maybe you'll find something useful in this read.
There is NO other way that I've seen that doesn't include massive amounts of denial & "settling" (NOT compromising) in life. You take yourself everywhere you go, right?
I'm going to go find & bump a thread for you from the stickys about Interventions for the Codie - the author's story may be different from yours, but the article itself does an amazing job of illustrating exactly how insidious codependency is - how it is, in reality, an addiction sometimes. Maybe you'll find something useful in this read.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Yes I always find this a tough time of year. At the moment Im struggling to enjoy anything.
I find what helps is stopping and saying - that is not about ME. Whatever it is.
Him not calling, your friend not showing up for lunch, manager at work being an ass - it is not about you.
This, in my opinion, is key.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Something for me to think about. My friend says to have a conversation with him and explain my anxieties. If he runs for the hills then he is not a good fit. I realise I have HUGE amounts of work to do on being able to state my needs and wants. I'm anxious even writing those words, almost as if it makes me needy! A word which I hate but there is fear around that. Saying what I want is ok. Thanks for that, I need to drum that into myself.
Have you discussed what each of you are looking for? A relationship or a casual dating thing? You might be looking for something different and have differing expectations. maybe he isn't the type of guy that stays in touch every day, etc. I've had a lot of friends go through this. Some were simply with chicken guys (that wonderful story in that stickie), and some were with guys that simply don't communicate every day with someone or didn't have the same expectations
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