When you find it hard to love yourself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 319
Originally Posted by Glenjo99 
I'm familiar with transference and I think there may be quite a lot in that whole triggering of my ex. Cancelling on me on a Saturday night triggered how I used to feel when my ex would do it. Brought up all those feelings of not being good enough, over analysing why he would put his mum's plumbing issue over meeting up etc.
As for trust you know it was something I really liked from talking to him. I felt I could trust him, says he didn't drink much or go partying etc, runs his own business and seemed genuine. However, since around Saturday night I did start to question the trust so perhaps this triggered mistrust too. I was thinking, how well could I know him after 9 meets, what if he's actually on a date with someone else etc etc. When we met the next day he explained what happened the night before yet I was sceptical which was probably my stuff then. I really dislike that feeling of not trusting. So now haven't heard from him since Sunday and my feeling is that I won't! So to relate to what you said, very probably cancelled plans means to me, rejection, not good enough, I won't hear from them again. I take everything so personally 😂.
As for trust you know it was something I really liked from talking to him. I felt I could trust him, says he didn't drink much or go partying etc, runs his own business and seemed genuine. However, since around Saturday night I did start to question the trust so perhaps this triggered mistrust too. I was thinking, how well could I know him after 9 meets, what if he's actually on a date with someone else etc etc. When we met the next day he explained what happened the night before yet I was sceptical which was probably my stuff then. I really dislike that feeling of not trusting. So now haven't heard from him since Sunday and my feeling is that I won't! So to relate to what you said, very probably cancelled plans means to me, rejection, not good enough, I won't hear from them again. I take everything so personally 😂.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by pdm22
It’s like a PTSD reaction from being in a past relationship with all of that turmoil, or something. Probably, it will take some time to heal from that. And I hear you about trust, I know for me personally, just in general, it takes a very long time for me to trust people. Then eventually when you get to know them & their pattern, and you see that they are steady and come back, it gets easier. But that can take a while.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
Originally Posted by Glenjo99
I feel like I have been ghosted and it's not a nice feeling. Doesn't seem like he's coming back.
"I feel like I have been ghosted and it's not a nice feeling. If he doesn't contact me again it's probably for the best. But if he does, I will have to take the time to explain to him:
"Your silence felt like ghosting to me. I only date people who take the time to communicate properly, and since our communication doesn't seem very good, maybe it's best if we stop dating."
If he says he wants to work on it, you can choose whether to give him another chance.
The first 2-3 months of dating is a time to get to know someone. It's not wise to form long-term expectations after the third (or even 9th) date. Ghosting sucks; it shows bad character. But you can exercise discernment about the behavior that you accept from the people who you date as well.
Look how much you let the drug addict you dated last year get away with. How much misery you put yourself through over him.
Not every shiny object is made of gold. And it isn't only addicts who make bad relationship partners. Expect that you'll have to kiss a few frogs, toss a few fish back into the sea. All those cliches exist for a reason.
And you will also discover a lot about yourself through your dating experiences.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by Needabreak
How about reframing that. Instead of taking such a passive stance, you might want to frame it as:
"I feel like I have been ghosted and it's not a nice feeling. If he doesn't contact me again it's probably for the best. But if he does, I will have to take the time to explain to him:
"Your silence felt like ghosting to me. I only date people who take the time to communicate properly, and since our communication doesn't seem very good, maybe it's best if we stop dating."
If he says he wants to work on it, you can choose whether to give him another chance.
The first 2-3 months of dating is a time to get to know someone. It's not wise to form long-term expectations after the third (or even 9th) date. Ghosting sucks; it shows bad character. But you can exercise discernment about the behavior that you accept from the people who you date as well.
Look how much you let the drug addict you dated last year get away with. How much misery you put yourself through over him.
Not every shiny object is made of gold. And it isn't only addicts who make bad relationship partners. Expect that you'll have to kiss a few frogs, toss a few fish back into the sea. All those cliches exist for a reason.
And you will also discover a lot about yourself through your dating experiences.
"I feel like I have been ghosted and it's not a nice feeling. If he doesn't contact me again it's probably for the best. But if he does, I will have to take the time to explain to him:
"Your silence felt like ghosting to me. I only date people who take the time to communicate properly, and since our communication doesn't seem very good, maybe it's best if we stop dating."
If he says he wants to work on it, you can choose whether to give him another chance.
The first 2-3 months of dating is a time to get to know someone. It's not wise to form long-term expectations after the third (or even 9th) date. Ghosting sucks; it shows bad character. But you can exercise discernment about the behavior that you accept from the people who you date as well.
Look how much you let the drug addict you dated last year get away with. How much misery you put yourself through over him.
Not every shiny object is made of gold. And it isn't only addicts who make bad relationship partners. Expect that you'll have to kiss a few frogs, toss a few fish back into the sea. All those cliches exist for a reason.
And you will also discover a lot about yourself through your dating experiences.
Thanks for the reframing idea it really does help. I do feel I am being very passive. I know I could text him but the fear is of coming across too needy. However in the waiting I'm being passive. "If he doesn't contact me again it's probably for the best. But if he does, I will have to take the time to explain to him:". I would relish the opportunity to have this discussion.
Our last meeting was last Sunday for lunch, we left it by both saying if you want to do something during the week let me know. I said yes and there's 2 of us in this dating scenario (yes I used those words) so would be nice if you initiated contact first sometimes too. No contact since from either of us.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Thanks for the reframing idea it really does help. I do feel I am being very passive. I know I could text him but the fear is of coming across too needy. However in the waiting I'm being passive. "If he doesn't contact me again it's probably for the best. But if he does, I will have to take the time to explain to him:". I would relish the opportunity to have this discussion.
If you do get the chance to have this discussion, then say what you need to say. But afterward, step back and listen to what he says. What he doesn't say. Who he reveals himself to be.
A big part of our sickness as codependents is that we tend to overlay our idea of who we want a person to be on top of who they are. This is not kind. It's actually very selfish, harmful, dysfunctional behavior on our parts. It hurts us and it repeals healthy people, attracting only dysfunctional people with poor boundaries.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by Needabreak
Yes, you would relish it, I'm sure. But would he?
If you do get the chance to have this discussion, then say what you need to say. But afterward, step back and listen to what he says. What he doesn't say. Who he reveals himself to be.
A big part of our sickness as codependents is that we tend to overlay our idea of who we want a person to be on top of who they are. This is not kind. It's actually very selfish, harmful, dysfunctional behavior on our parts. It hurts us and it repeals healthy people, attracting only dysfunctional people with poor boundaries.
If you do get the chance to have this discussion, then say what you need to say. But afterward, step back and listen to what he says. What he doesn't say. Who he reveals himself to be.
A big part of our sickness as codependents is that we tend to overlay our idea of who we want a person to be on top of who they are. This is not kind. It's actually very selfish, harmful, dysfunctional behavior on our parts. It hurts us and it repeals healthy people, attracting only dysfunctional people with poor boundaries.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
One thing for sure is that people sense "needyness" and it can be pff-putting or cause a change in the power dynamic of the relationship not for the better.
I agree some time away is a great idea.
People don't make you happy or fulfilled--that's an inside job.
People enhance the peace you already have if things are to be optimal.
You deserve that Glenjo--make it happen
I agree some time away is a great idea.
People don't make you happy or fulfilled--that's an inside job.
People enhance the peace you already have if things are to be optimal.
You deserve that Glenjo--make it happen
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
One thing for sure is that people sense "needyness" and it can be pff-putting or cause a change in the power dynamic of the relationship not for the better.
I agree some time away is a great idea.
People don't make you happy or fulfilled--that's an inside job.
People enhance the peace you already have if things are to be optimal.
You deserve that Glenjo--make it happen
I agree some time away is a great idea.
People don't make you happy or fulfilled--that's an inside job.
People enhance the peace you already have if things are to be optimal.
You deserve that Glenjo--make it happen
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
Perhaps.
I have to say though, I have a problem with the whole "neediness" thing.
In this instance, you want more contact from the guy. Is that neediness or is that just the way you are. You like to be contacted.
Claiming you are "needy" because you NEED something is really horribly negative. This guy may not be the guy for you, but hold your horses on putting yourself down and thinking there is something wrong with you.
That is hugely counter-productive. Now, if you want to be more self-contained in general, that's something you can work on. For you, not for anyone else.
This does not add up to me and this kind of "there is something wrong with me, I must change if I want to keep this person around" thinking is what gets you where you are. You are ok just the way you are. If you want to date someone that wants to spend more time together, that's OK! Nothing wrong with that, you might just have the wrong guy for that - that's OK too!
I have to say though, I have a problem with the whole "neediness" thing.
In this instance, you want more contact from the guy. Is that neediness or is that just the way you are. You like to be contacted.
Claiming you are "needy" because you NEED something is really horribly negative. This guy may not be the guy for you, but hold your horses on putting yourself down and thinking there is something wrong with you.
That is hugely counter-productive. Now, if you want to be more self-contained in general, that's something you can work on. For you, not for anyone else.
This does not add up to me and this kind of "there is something wrong with me, I must change if I want to keep this person around" thinking is what gets you where you are. You are ok just the way you are. If you want to date someone that wants to spend more time together, that's OK! Nothing wrong with that, you might just have the wrong guy for that - that's OK too!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by trailmix
Perhaps.
I have to say though, I have a problem with the whole "neediness" thing.
In this instance, you want more contact from the guy. Is that neediness or is that just the way you are. You like to be contacted.
Claiming you are "needy" because you NEED something is really horribly negative. This guy may not be the guy for you, but hold your horses on putting yourself down and thinking there is something wrong with you.
That is hugely counter-productive. Now, if you want to be more self-contained in general, that's something you can work on. For you, not for anyone else.
This does not add up to me and this kind of "there is something wrong with me, I must change if I want to keep this person around" thinking is what gets you where you are. You are ok just the way you are. If you want to date someone that wants to spend more time together, that's OK! Nothing wrong with that, you might just have the wrong guy for that - that's OK too!
I have to say though, I have a problem with the whole "neediness" thing.
In this instance, you want more contact from the guy. Is that neediness or is that just the way you are. You like to be contacted.
Claiming you are "needy" because you NEED something is really horribly negative. This guy may not be the guy for you, but hold your horses on putting yourself down and thinking there is something wrong with you.
That is hugely counter-productive. Now, if you want to be more self-contained in general, that's something you can work on. For you, not for anyone else.
This does not add up to me and this kind of "there is something wrong with me, I must change if I want to keep this person around" thinking is what gets you where you are. You are ok just the way you are. If you want to date someone that wants to spend more time together, that's OK! Nothing wrong with that, you might just have the wrong guy for that - that's OK too!
I hate the word needy and when I hear it I feel less than, dirty and damaged. It's so easy for me to go to putting myself down. The crazy thing is that every time we have met, we have had great deep conversations, talked about things we could do in future and was so natural. Lots of affection too. Surely sending him one affectionate text letting him know I was thinking of him didn't make him go cold turkey on me, canceling plans for sat night and being different on Sunday??? I don't know if I'm catastrophising or maybe he's not right guy for me. But the last 9 meetings told me otherwise.
This stuff is hard. Appreciate the reframe on needyness too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by Mango212
Connection with Higher Power gives me strength, inner peace, etc. The rest gets shook out along the way.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
He text back to say he was having a relaxing night in and thinking of me. However I feel in heinsight this was a shift in power dynamic. But on other side wasn't it just nice thing to say to someone, and I'm too old for game playing.
I hate the word needy and when I hear it I feel less than, dirty and damaged.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by trailmix
It was a shift in the dynamic to YOU, maybe not to him. What's with the power play anyway? This is game-playing by the way.
Now, that comes from somewhere and appears a lot in your threads, where does that come from, do you know?
Now, that comes from somewhere and appears a lot in your threads, where does that come from, do you know?
Think it comes from my ex. He used to always say I was needy. But he would say that about most people around him, no surprise there.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
trailmix makes some smart points here Glenjo (as usual) 
You are enough, and you don't have to change to fit someone else's idea to be "good enough".
You already are good enough.
What I was trying to get at was that if someone seems to cool off or want some distance, that's OK too--it doesn't mean anything is wrong, but it is a wiser move to give them that space in many cases early in a relationship.
You've been hurt recently and that makes everything a bit harder.
A little space for yourself to reflect and relax is a good thing, and doesn't have to come from a place of neediness at all
You are enough, and you don't have to change to fit someone else's idea to be "good enough".
You already are good enough.
What I was trying to get at was that if someone seems to cool off or want some distance, that's OK too--it doesn't mean anything is wrong, but it is a wiser move to give them that space in many cases early in a relationship.
You've been hurt recently and that makes everything a bit harder.
A little space for yourself to reflect and relax is a good thing, and doesn't have to come from a place of neediness at all
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
Ah if only you could erase every insult he has every cast your way.
And that is just what it is you know, a controlling way to put someone down. I mean what can you do with that statement?
So there you are, in this really dysfunctional relationship. He is narcissistic and controlling and then he says - "you are too needy".
Well isn't that just the icing on the cake.
What he was really saying is you need to NOT need anything from me, ever. Don't put your feelings or needs on my plate, no room here, I'm really busy focusing on myself. All you are left with is no support and a nice "label". Nice guy.
Here is a book you might find interesting, don't know if it will speak to you but it might. I've only read the sample but I have read about the author:
Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse
by Jackson MacKenzie
And that is just what it is you know, a controlling way to put someone down. I mean what can you do with that statement?
So there you are, in this really dysfunctional relationship. He is narcissistic and controlling and then he says - "you are too needy".
Well isn't that just the icing on the cake.
What he was really saying is you need to NOT need anything from me, ever. Don't put your feelings or needs on my plate, no room here, I'm really busy focusing on myself. All you are left with is no support and a nice "label". Nice guy.
Here is a book you might find interesting, don't know if it will speak to you but it might. I've only read the sample but I have read about the author:
Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse
by Jackson MacKenzie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
trailmix makes some smart points here Glenjo (as usual)
You are enough, and you don't have to change to fit someone else's idea to be "good enough".
You already are good enough.
What I was trying to get at was that if someone seems to cool off or want some distance, that's OK too--it doesn't mean anything is wrong, but it is a wiser move to give them that space in many cases early in a relationship.
You've been hurt recently and that makes everything a bit harder.
A little space for yourself to reflect and relax is a good thing, and doesn't have to come from a place of neediness at all
You are enough, and you don't have to change to fit someone else's idea to be "good enough".
You already are good enough.
What I was trying to get at was that if someone seems to cool off or want some distance, that's OK too--it doesn't mean anything is wrong, but it is a wiser move to give them that space in many cases early in a relationship.
You've been hurt recently and that makes everything a bit harder.
A little space for yourself to reflect and relax is a good thing, and doesn't have to come from a place of neediness at all
My friend keeps telling me to text him, that it might be a stand off on both sides, but I'm unsure.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
